Ask a Therapist: How Do I Find the Right Therapist for Me?

two glasses of tea with green leaves in them.

In this edition of Ask a Therapist, I’m addressing a question I get asked pretty often. It’s an everyday occurrence for me to receive a phone call or text from someone in my personal network who’s looking for a therapist—and, of course, I regularly have conversations with potential clients of my own. These conversations always center on an essential question: How do I find a therapist who’s a good fit for me? If you’re presently looking for a therapist or think you could benefit from finding one, here are some simple, straightforward steps to get your search moving in the right direction.

1. Start with the end in mind. Therapy doesn’t operate according to a one-size-fits-all model, so it’s important to consider what you want to gain from the experience. Before you start your search, spend some time thinking about what you want to get out of therapy. I recommend doing this by starting with the end of the experience in mind. In other words, imagine that you’ve just completed your last session with your ideal therapist. How will you know that your work with this person had been helpful? What will you be able to do that you struggle to do now? What will be possible for you then that seems impossible for you now? What will be different in your life, and what will you have done in therapy to make that happen? By imagining what you’ll get out of therapy in your best-case-scenario, you can begin to get some ideas about who can best support you in the process.

2. Reflect on what’s most important to you. Many people assume that if they have mental health benefits through their insurance provider, they should start by finding someone who accepts their plan. This is a logical place to start the search process, of course, but it may not lead you to the therapist who’s right for you. If spending as little money as possible on therapy is your primary consideration, then going through your insurance company makes perfect sense. But it may be that other factors are more important to you, like finding someone who has experience working with a particular issue, or working with someone who utilizes a more holistic approach. Think carefully about what matters most to you, and allow that criteria—rather than the cost of services—to guide your search. You can’t put a price on your wellbeing, and your best life is well worth whatever money you’ll spend on your sessions; so before you let your wallet or insurance card make your decision for you, spend some time thinking carefully about what really matters to you. Thoughtfully consider what qualities your ideal therapist will possess. Whether you want someone of a particular gender, age, secondary language, training, location, availability, skill set, theoretical approach, or background experience, there’s someone out there who fits the bill. Get clear about your must-haves, and let these be your guide.

3. Do the research. Once you have a sense of what you want out of therapy and what qualities your ideal therapist will possess, you can begin the actual search process. Therapy is an intimate interpersonal experience, so word-of-mouth referrals and recommendations from people in your network are a good place to start. If you’re comfortable doing so, reach out to people in your life and ask them to share the names of therapists they’ve worked with and would recommend. Start a list of potential therapists based on the responses you get. Then start exploring other avenues, like the Psychology Today online database or even a Google search for therapists or counselors in your area. Keep adding to your list of potential therapists until you’ve got somewhere between 3 and 10 possibilities. Gather as much preliminary information as you can about these therapists, and narrow the list according to the information you gathered in the first two steps of your search process. Use your personal criteria as well as your intuition to come up with the top 3 therapists on your list.

4. Start the audition process. Once you’ve gotten to this point in the process, the trickier, more annoying stuff is out of the way. Now it’s just a matter of picking up the phone! Many of my clients tell me it took them months, sometimes years, to pick up the phone and call me—and they almost always say they wish they’d done it sooner! I know how intimidating it can be to make that first phone call, but if you’ve done the work of generating a list of potential therapists based on your personal search criteria, you’re likely to find that the initial call is a pleasant and encouraging experience. It’s bringing you one step closer to that future you envisioned, where the problems leading you to therapy are no longer problematic! As you carry out this step, remember that you’re essentially auditioning or interviewing your potential therapist. Prepare a short list of questions to ask during your initial phone call, to be sure you’re talking to someone who’s right for you. Make your phone call(s) at a time when you feel relaxed and won’t be interrupted. You want to be as centered and focused as possible, so you can get a sense of whether or not the person is a good fit. Make an appointment with whoever you feel best about, and remember that you don’t have to commit to the process until you’ve found someone who’s right for you.

5. Evaluate honestly. Once you’ve had a session with a therapist (or two, or three, depending on how you choose to go about the audition process), reflect on what you experienced during the session. Did you feel a sense of connection with the therapist? Did he/she show an interest in getting to know you without judging, labeling, or jumping to conclusions? Was the environment somewhere you can feel comfortable accessing deep emotions and getting vulnerable? Did you leave feeling hopeful? Remembering your reasons for seeking therapy in the first place, reflect on your experience and evaluate accordingly. If the session was unpleasant or the therapist wasn’t a god fit, don’t be discouraged! You may not find the therapist who’s right for you on the first go-around, but that doesn’t mean he or she doesn’t exist. Go to the next person on your list, and keep trying. You are worth the effort it takes to find someone who’s right for you—and when you do, you’ll be glad you put in the work and stuck with the process.

Ready to Take Your Life to the Next Level? Start Here

a snow globe sitting on top of a pile of snow.

My name is Dr. Denise Fournier, and I’m addicted to personal growth and transformation.

If you haven’t noticed, I live for the stuff. There’s just something about watching people go through the process of discovering and achieving their potential that gives me boundless joy. It is, without question, the greatest source of fulfillment and inspiration in my life. Many years ago, before deciding to become a therapist, I took on the project of connecting intimately with myself and discovering what was possible for me. I made personal development and self-mastery a priority, and it’s made all the difference in my life. Having the opportunity to share that with other people through the work I do as a therapist and coach is an invaluable gift—one that I’ll be dedicated to for as long as I live.

Through the work I’ve done on myself and with my clients, I’ve come to identify a few factors that I believe to be essential for personal transformation and goal attainment.

  1. Start at The End. Whenever I meet a new coaching or therapy client, I almost always start with a conversation about our final session together. That’s because I believe strongly in starting a journey with the destination in mind. Like I say to my clients, personal development is similar to traveling: you’ve got to know where you’re going before you can take any action to get there. If you haven’t decided on a destination for your trip, you won’t know which flight to book or what to pack in your suitcase. Similarly, you won’t know what to do along your journey of personal development if you haven’t clearly defined your goals. Everyone defines their best, most successful life differently. Before you start plotting the course to yours, give some thought to where you’re going and what it will look like when you get there.
  1. Establish Your Future Vision, But Be Here Now. Once you’ve created the vision for your best life, you’ll do well to shift your view from the future to the present. I’ve seen many clients get so attached to their goals and outcomes that they lose sight of what they’re doing in the moment. This causes them to get frustrated, impatient, distracted, and disconnected. The future—like the past—is a great place to visit, but it won’t serve you to live there. Once you set your goals and design the life you envision for your future, come back to the now, where life is happening, and be present to your experience in the moment. The more connected you are to your life as it’s happening, the more command you’ll have over your process, and the closer you’ll be to creating the life of your dreams.
  1. Assemble Your Audience of Accountability. You are worthy and capable of great things, and the possibilities for your best life are endless. But no matter who you are or what you’re working with, you won’t get nearly as far alone as you will with the support of others. When asked about the keys to their success, most accomplished individuals will say that they have people in their lives whom they can count on to hold them accountable and support them every step of the way. I call these people the audience of accountability. They’re the ones who will always tell you the truth. They’ll push you to be your best and won’t let you sell out or play small. If you’re up to big things in your life, make sure to surround yourself with trusted people who know about your goals and are invested in helping you achieve them. By creating your audience of accountability, you can be sure that you’ll be reminded of your commitments and held to them, which goes a long way on those days when you’re feeling less than motivated.
  1. Let Your Commitments, Not Your Emotions, Drive You. It isn’t always easy to achieve and maintain success, and setbacks are part of the process. But there’s no doubt about it: If you commit yourself to success, it will happen. You just have to remember to stay the course no matter what arises. This is especially true when it comes to your own emotions. Sometimes the journey of personal transformation will be challenging, and some days you just won’t feel up to it. On those days, it’s important that you honor your emotions, allowing yourself to feel them without being driven by them. If you make your commitments your guiding force, you’ll be able to stay focused on your goals no matter what emotions come up for you along the way.
  1. Feel Fear, But Do It Anyway. If you’re really stretching and challenging yourself in your personal growth process, there’s one emotion you’re almost guaranteed to feel: fear. When you’re doing something you’ve never done before, it’s only natural to experience some degree of it. But it’s important to recognize that fear isn’t a barrier; it’s an indicator that you’re up to something new and different. The only way to avoid fear is to stay cocooned in your comfort zone—and I promise you, no growth will happen there. One of the biggest differences between the people who achieve their goals in life and the people who don’t is that the former feel fear and take the next step anyway, while the latter back down and avoid it at all costs. If you really want to take your life to the next level, practice making fear your friend; because the truth is, as long as you’re committed to transforming yourself, you can count on it coming around.
  1. Understand That You Can’t Fail. How free would you feel if you knew that no matter what you tried, you couldn’t fail? Well, I’m happy to tell you that this is, in fact, the case. You see, success and failure are subjective interpretations that we make up to define our results. So failure is only failure if you define it that way. Sure, you won’t get the results you want 100% of the time, but that doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Whenever you make an attempt at changing or accomplishing something, pay close attention to the result. If it doesn’t go the way you wanted it to, resist your temptation to tell yourself the failure story. Instead, recognize that you’re being presented with a priceless opportunity to gather information that will support your next attempts. What we’re quick to define as failure can be the biggest contributor to our success. If you’re willing to learn from your results and recognize that it’s impossible to fail, you can be free to try anything and break down any barriers in your way.

 I hope these tips inspire you to take your life to the next level. What’s the first step you’ll take, and where are you headed?

 

 

I Can Do Nothing For You

a person holding a bunch of leaves in their hands.

In one of the first classes I took as a graduate student, the professor began her first lecture by saying something along the lines of, “So, you want to be a therapist? Well, let’s start with some ground rules. Rule number one: Never help anyone.” I was flabbergasted. Dumbfounded. For a moment I thought I’d sat down in the wrong class. I wondered how a professor could give such an incomprehensible instruction to a group of students who, by and large, chose their career path so they could help and serve others. I started to rethink everything that influenced my decision to become a therapist.

That professor never directly explained what she meant by her shocking introductory message. Instead, she assured us that through the course of our experiences as students, interns, and professionals, we would come to learn exactly what she was talking about. I’ll admit that it took me some time to understand the meaning behind her injunction to “never help anyone.” During the first couple years of my career, I exhausted myself with efforts to help my clients. I put all my energy into trying to motivate them, heal them, free them from their unfortunate circumstances, inspire them to change. In many cases, I worked harder than my clients at making a difference in their lives, only to find myself disappointed and depleted when things didn’t go according to my plan. I can’t recall the specific moment when my professor’s teaching became clear to me, but once it did, it revolutionized my work and inspired me to pass the wisdom on to others.

What I came to understand is that if I was to truly be of service to my clients, I had to transform my understanding of what it meant to “help” them. All along I had been working from the premise that helping others means doing things for them, taking action on their behalf, grabbing the reins and steering their lives in a particular direction. The truth is, I acted from this definition of help not only in my relationships with clients, but in my relationships with everyone. I always saw myself as a giving and helping person, and I regularly went out of my way to be there for the people in my life, even when it meant inconveniencing myself or taking on more than I could handle.

What I finally realized is that my professor wasn’t telling us to be unavailable for our clients. She wasn’t commanding us to be unhelpful. Instead, she was nudging us toward the understanding that to truly be of service to others, we have to position ourselves in a very particular way. In essence, we have to help them by empowering them to help themselves. That brilliant professor wanted her students to understand that the best thing therapists can do for their clients is keep them company on their journey toward solving their own problems, finding their own way. And now that I understand that, I want everyone I know to understand it as well.

There’s a quote from psychologist, author, and spiritual teacher Ram Dass that I’m totally crazy about. It goes: “I can do nothing for you but work on myself. You can do nothing for me but work on yourself.” The wisdom in that quote is the same wisdom imparted on me by my professor. You see, if you are to be of service to anyone in this world, your primary task is to be stable, centered, and well. It is only when you are well that you can help others be well. Think about it this way: When flight attendants give the safety instructions just before takeoff they remind you that in the case of an emergency, when the oxygen masks drop down, you must put yours on first before helping anyone else with theirs. The logic of this is very simple: If you run out of air, you’ll be in no position to assist anyone around you. Helping others, in that case, won’t be very much help at all. And so it is in every aspect of our lives. If we want to be helpful, we must first be well.

When my professor told us to “never help anyone,” she wasn’t telling us to be unkind. And I’m not telling you to be unkind either. Instead, I’m telling you that the greatest gift you can give to anyone in this world is to be the best version of yourself. First, because your doing so is likely to inspire other people, motivating them to work on themselves. Second, because it is only when you are centered and attending to your own needs that you have the capacity to be available to others. And finally, because helping others doesn’t mean taking over for them; it means being a source of support—someone they can lean on when they need it. If they’re going to lean on you, you’ve got to be sturdy. Your foundation has got to be solid.

Once I was able to shift my way of helping others, I never again felt the fatigue or resentment I was once so susceptible to experiencing. Instead, I felt a vitality that was invigorating for me and inspiring for the people around me. When I started to focus on stabilizing and centering myself, my capacity to support others expanded; at last, I became helpful in the truest sense.

I invite you to begin your own journey of rethinking what it means to be helpful, and I welcome you to consider that the best way to give to others is to first give to yourself.