In one of the first classes I took as a graduate student, the professor began her first lecture by saying something along the lines of, “So, you want to be a therapist? Well, let’s start with some ground rules. Rule number one: Never help anyone.” I was flabbergasted. Dumbfounded. For a moment I thought I’d sat down in the wrong class. I wondered how a professor could give such an incomprehensible instruction to a group of students who, by and large, chose their career path so they could help and serve others. I started to rethink everything that influenced my decision to become a therapist.
That professor never directly explained what she meant by her shocking introductory message. Instead, she assured us that through the course of our experiences as students, interns, and professionals, we would come to learn exactly what she was talking about. I’ll admit that it took me some time to understand the meaning behind her injunction to “never help anyone.” During the first couple years of my career, I exhausted myself with efforts to help my clients. I put all my energy into trying to motivate them, heal them, free them from their unfortunate circumstances, inspire them to change. In many cases, I worked harder than my clients at making a difference in their lives, only to find myself disappointed and depleted when things didn’t go according to my plan. I can’t recall the specific moment when my professor’s teaching became clear to me, but once it did, it revolutionized my work and inspired me to pass the wisdom on to others.
What I came to understand is that if I was to truly be of service to my clients, I had to transform my understanding of what it meant to “help” them. All along I had been working from the premise that helping others means doing things for them, taking action on their behalf, grabbing the reins and steering their lives in a particular direction. The truth is, I acted from this definition of help not only in my relationships with clients, but in my relationships with everyone. I always saw myself as a giving and helping person, and I regularly went out of my way to be there for the people in my life, even when it meant inconveniencing myself or taking on more than I could handle.
What I finally realized is that my professor wasn’t telling us to be unavailable for our clients. She wasn’t commanding us to be unhelpful. Instead, she was nudging us toward the understanding that to truly be of service to others, we have to position ourselves in a very particular way. In essence, we have to help them by empowering them to help themselves. That brilliant professor wanted her students to understand that the best thing therapists can do for their clients is keep them company on their journey toward solving their own problems, finding their own way. And now that I understand that, I want everyone I know to understand it as well.
There’s a quote from psychologist, author, and spiritual teacher Ram Dass that I’m totally crazy about. It goes: “I can do nothing for you but work on myself. You can do nothing for me but work on yourself.” The wisdom in that quote is the same wisdom imparted on me by my professor. You see, if you are to be of service to anyone in this world, your primary task is to be stable, centered, and well. It is only when you are well that you can help others be well. Think about it this way: When flight attendants give the safety instructions just before takeoff they remind you that in the case of an emergency, when the oxygen masks drop down, you must put yours on first before helping anyone else with theirs. The logic of this is very simple: If you run out of air, you’ll be in no position to assist anyone around you. Helping others, in that case, won’t be very much help at all. And so it is in every aspect of our lives. If we want to be helpful, we must first be well.
When my professor told us to “never help anyone,” she wasn’t telling us to be unkind. And I’m not telling you to be unkind either. Instead, I’m telling you that the greatest gift you can give to anyone in this world is to be the best version of yourself. First, because your doing so is likely to inspire other people, motivating them to work on themselves. Second, because it is only when you are centered and attending to your own needs that you have the capacity to be available to others. And finally, because helping others doesn’t mean taking over for them; it means being a source of support—someone they can lean on when they need it. If they’re going to lean on you, you’ve got to be sturdy. Your foundation has got to be solid.
Once I was able to shift my way of helping others, I never again felt the fatigue or resentment I was once so susceptible to experiencing. Instead, I felt a vitality that was invigorating for me and inspiring for the people around me. When I started to focus on stabilizing and centering myself, my capacity to support others expanded; at last, I became helpful in the truest sense.
I invite you to begin your own journey of rethinking what it means to be helpful, and I welcome you to consider that the best way to give to others is to first give to yourself.