Be Careful What You Wish For

a dandelion with drops of water on it.

I recently visited a primary school and noticed an array of student assignments lining the school’s main hallway. Attracted by the bright colors and creative handwriting, I decided to take a closer look. What I saw was a collection of students’ answers to the question: What do you want to be when you grow up? I smiled as I read some of the kids’ responses—predictable ones, like doctor and astronaut, along with some surprises, like aeronautical engineer and toothpaste inventor. As much as I enjoyed seeing the fun stuff these kids came up with, I couldn’t help but feel a bit troubled by the whole thing. Of course, getting kids to think about what they want to be sparks creativity and imagination. It plants seeds of inspiration, inviting them to think about the future and consider what’s possible. But as a therapist who’s spent a lot of time working with disillusioned, distressed, and disappointed adults, I can’t help but see the other side of this well-intentioned thought exercise: It sets the tone for a life spent wishing and wanting.

Now, before you deem me cynical and stop reading, hear me out. As I mentioned before, I appreciate the value in thinking about what we want for the future. If we don’t give it any thought whatsoever, we end up aimless, with no clear direction for our lives. But at a certain point, the act of wanting can become damaging. Research in the field of Positive Psychology has demonstrated that the more we want, the more dissatisfied and unhappy we tend to be. And we don’t really need a bunch of fancy studies to tell us this is the case. If you’ve ever invested time or energy into wanting a bigger house, a better job, or a more compassionate spouse, you’ve felt the sting of not having those things now. Thinking about what we want naturally invites thoughts about what’s lacking—and this, of course, is an obvious downer. Furthermore, since wishing and wanting tend to be future-focused, they pull us out of the present moment, robbing us of our ability to be satisfied with what is. If you’ve read any of my previous blog posts, you already know how vital present-moment awareness and satisfaction are to our overall wellbeing; so while wanting is natural and somewhat necessary for our lives, we have to be aware of this particular pitfall.

Another issue that occurs when we focus on what we want is that we fail to consider the many implications associated with getting it. The expression Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it applies perfectly here. There’s a reason many lottery winners wind up depressed, broke, or suicidal. We might have a clear idea of what we want, but if we don’t consider how our lives will change when we get it, we could end up less happy than when we started. I once worked with a client who spent most of her professional life focused on retirement. She wanted to get there so badly, for so long, that it shaped her life and influenced many of her choices. When we started working together, it had been eight months since she retired, and she was completely miserable. She explained to me that in all the years of rushing toward retirement, she never considered what her life would be like once she got there. With tears flowing, she said this about her experience: “It never occurred to me that once I got to this point in my life, my parents would be dead, I’d be too tired to do the traveling I’d put off until now, and I wouldn’t have any hobbies to keep my busy mind quiet. This is nothing at all like I thought it would be.” We can learn a great deal from the examples of people like my client, who suffer as a result of getting what they once wanted. If we aren’t careful, getting what we want could be a recipe for disaster.

Above all else, the biggest reason to be mindful of what we wish for is that we’re prone to believe we’ll be happier once we acquire what we desire. Social science research has proven that thinking this way is a setup, because the more we get, the more we want. We believe that getting what we wish for will be the answer to all of our problems, granting us lifelong joy and satisfaction. But happiness happens to be an inside job; without knowing how to cultivate it internally for ourselves, no amount of money or external rewards will allow us to experience or maintain it. Considering this and the other points of caution I mentioned earlier, it’s easy to wonder whether wishing and wanting is worth the risk. But let me assure you, there’s some good news here for those willing to take heed.

Despite the potential dangers associated with wanting, there is a way to utilize it in order to enrich our lives without suffering from all the unintended, messy side effects. First, and most importantly, we have to be clear that getting what we want is not a guaranteed solution to our problems. We aren’t going to reach some utopian state of bliss once our desires manifest; life just simply doesn’t work that way. Optimal wanting starts with generating this important awareness. If happiness is what we’re after—and most of the time, it is—we’re wise to focus on how we can cultivate it right here and now, before we’ve bought the yacht, backpacked through Europe, or married our one true love. Life is always happening in the present moment, so it’s important for us to realize that while we wish, want, dream, and fantasize, our real lives are taking place. For me, there’s nothing more terrifying than the prospect of reaching the end of my life and realizing I missed out on all of it, because I was too busy thinking about what I wanted instead of appreciating what I had. Don’t let this happen to you. Set goals for your life and, by all means, get intentional about going after them. But know that everything you hope to feel when you get what you wish for is available to you right here, right now.

Want a Better Life? Do Less, Be More

a person sitting on top of a cliff.

Take a moment to ask yourself the following questions:

  • When was the last time I jumped out of bed in the morning with the energy of a child, eager to face the day?  
  • When did I last take a moment to pause, look up at the sky, and marvel at its vastness? 
  • What was the last thing I did that made me feel completely and utterly in love with myself?
  • How long has it been since I had a meaningful interaction with another person?
  • When was the last time I felt fully satisfied with the life I’m living?

Chances are you had a difficult time answering a few, if not all, of those questions. Most people do.

In our increasingly fast-paced society, in which we glorify being busy and contend with countless demands on our time, life can often feel like a struggle to keep up. Emails flood our inboxes at a frenzied pace, and every issue in our lives seems to require our immediate attention. Our technology keeps us flooded with information that’s impossible to keep up with, and we’re in a constant state of sensory overload. It’s no wonder we often feel exhausted and (ironically) disconnected so much of the time.

Don’t get me wrong, much can be gained from working hard, seeking advancement, and making the most of the technology available to us. The problem is that it comes at quite a cost.

Here’s the thing. There’s a reason we’re called human beings and not human doings. Although we’re highly capable of doing, we were designed for being. And when we allow ourselves to slow down and just be, we discover how much we’re missing and overlooking when we’re zipping through life at lightning speed.

Shifting from doing mode to being mode can create a monumental shift in our experience of life. When we make this shift, we start to feel more centered, more balanced, more grounded, more connected. We start deliberately using our five senses to encounter the world around us. We start getting curious about our internal experience, noticing our thoughts and emotions as they arise. We start to get intentional about engaging with everything that surrounds us, including other human beings. We start discovering and enjoying the miraculous nature of being alive.

People who learn how to create the shift from doing to being tend to have a positive outlook on life. They tend to find their relationships meaningful and satisfying. Most importantly, they tend to experience deep love for themselves and their lives.

Are you interested in becoming one of those people? I’m happy to tell you that you can be. It’s only a matter of practice.

The best way to begin the practice of doing less and being more is to create small rituals and commit to carrying them out each day. You might start by doing something as simple as setting an alarm on your phone that goes off 5 times a day. Each time the alarm goes off, you stop whatever you’re doing and take 5 full, deep breaths, allowing yourself to rest your attention completely on the sensation of breathing. Another entry point to being mode is meditation. You might begin by searching YouTube for guided meditations, choosing one you feel comfortable with, and doing it 2 times a week.

When you commit to living more intentionally, you’re committing to a life of more vitality and deeper awareness. You’re giving yourself the gift of living life more fully, with a greater sense of purpose. I welcome you to explore some other ways you can engage your natural state of being, and I invite you to stay tuned for more posts here at Evergreen Therapy that will guide your journey toward slowing down and tuning in.

 

 

 

 

Get Out of Your Head, Get Into Your Experience

a view of the top of a snowy mountain.

“Experience, contrary to popular belief, is mostly imagination” – Ruth Benedict

I came across this quote recently, and it really struck a chord with me. It got me thinking about perspective and how much it influences the way we experience our lives. Recently I worked with a client who was struggling with a sense of being “stuck in a rut.” She knew she should be happy with her two fabulous jobs, her gorgeous new home, her adoring partner, and her ever-expanding wardrobe, but she just didn’t feel satisfied. And it seemed the more she tried to remind herself of all the reasons she had to be happy, the less content she felt. By the time she came to see me, she was convinced that she was “self-sabotaging,” setting herself up for “a miserable life.”

My client’s experience is not uncommon. Who can’t relate to being surrounded by things that should produce joy, yet feeling underwhelmed? The truth is, things like appreciation and gratitude—the things my client wanted to feel but didn’t—are just like muscles; they have to be conditioned and put to work in order to grow stronger. And the first step in the process of conditioning these mental muscles is paying attention.

If we want to shift our experience of life and become more aware of how good we have it, we must start by tuning in to what’s going on. We often feel dissatisfied because we’re distracted and consumed by our own thoughts. Rather than taking stock of what we do have, we think about what we’d rather have or compare ourselves to people who have more. We get caught up in anxious thinking, dreaming up catastrophe situations or wondering when things will go wrong. Or we simply get carried away by the chitter-chatter taking place inside our minds. The problem with this is that whenever we’re in our minds, it’s a guarantee that we’re not present for our experiences. We’re living in our imaginations rather than living our actual lives. Going through life this way is a setup for disappointment and disillusionment. It’s one of the biggest reasons why so many people search for happiness and fail to find it.

Through our work together, my client came to realize that a big culprit for her discontent was that instead of living her life, she was telling herself stories about her life. I taught her techniques to ground herself in the present moment and flex the mental muscles of attention, awareness, and appreciation. Within just a few weeks, she was feeling completely differently. She had achieved a sense of deep satisfaction, and the important people in her life noticed a big difference in her attitude and outlook.

Just as a picture of a place will never do it justice, a story about our experience will never compare to the real thing. The time to start appreciating what you have is right now. But first you’ve got to get out of your head so you can get into your experience. When you learn to do this and commit yourself to practicing it, you’ll be surprised to find that happiness is well within your reach.