8 Simple Hacks for Happiness

a woman jumping in the air on a bridge.

As a mental health professional, I’m often faced with questions about how to reduce suffering; how to manage tough transitions; and, perhaps most often, how to experience real happiness. As it turns out, it’s this third question that people tend to struggle with the most. For so many of us, happiness is an ideal we’ve been sold on that’s so transient and elusive as to make us wonder whether it exists at all. We all want it, but most of us have no idea where to find it.

When we’re young, happiness is much easier to access, so much more lasting an experience. But as time goes on and our responsibilities and obligations increase, happiness tends to register far less frequently on our emotional radar. Why is this, and what can we do about it?

What I’ve learned in my years of practicing therapy and studying the science of happiness and wellbeing is that happiness is—as the worn-out cliché suggests—about the journey, not the destination. It’s an experience that we cultivate in the day-to-day encounters of our lives—one that we’re capable of creating at will and get to experience more vividly the more we conjure it. There are many ways to harness happiness and hack your brain to experience it more often; here are eight.

1. Smile for “no reason.” It might sound silly, but this one really works wonders. Research shows that when your body works the muscles that form a smile, a signal gets sent to your brain, letting it know that you’re happy. But don’t’ rely on the research; try this out for yourself. Chances are, the more you smile, the better you’ll feel—and, of course, the better you feel, the more you’ll smile. Before you know it, you’ll have generated a fun feedback loop that sparks happiness for you and everyone you meet. We’re hardwired to respond to nonverbal forms of communication, and smiles are the universal language for connection, joy, and positive vibes. As you practice smiling for no reason at all, you’ll see more smiling faces around you. And if those faces continue to move through the world transmitting that positive energy, you’ll have created a ripple effect of happiness; not only will you be happier, but the world will be that much happier, too. Put this little trick in practice, and you’ll be off to a fabulous start.

2. Practice kindness. Let’s be real; it feels really good to have others be kind to us. And, the research is clear, it feels just as good to be kind to others. When we go through the world guarded, jaded, and walled off to other people, we isolate ourselves from a source of happiness and wellbeing that we’d otherwise get to access. It might take a little practice, especially if you’ve been hurt by other people and feel the need to protect yourself, but making kindness a deliberate practice promises to yield great rewards in terms of happiness and general positivity. Being kind to others promotes good feelings in them, of course, but it also delivers us a powerful happiness boost. Beyond that, it has the potential to enrich and strengthen our relationships with others, allowing us to feel connected and supported—both of which are vital contributors to happiness.

3. Be in awe. This is one of my favorites. Recent research has shown that a regular experience of being in awe is associated with decreased rates of depression and anxiety. When we do, read about, witness, or otherwise experience things that make us feel a true sense of how awesome life can be, we make a significant contribution to our overall wellbeing. And this is something we can deliberately practice in an effort to generate those good vibrations. Go for a walk in nature; marvel at the intricacies of artwork or the architecture in your neighborhood; read about new scientific discoveries or human achievements; watch a newborn baby discover the world. As much and as often as you can, put yourself in a position to be in awe, and watch how much more easily happiness comes to you.

4. Affirm your worthiness. With so many messages telling us who we should be—the ones coming from the media, communicated silently by the people around us, or echoing in our own minds—we sometimes need to strive to remember that we are enough. Doing this for ourselves, intentionally and regularly, can boost our sense of self-confidence and increase our sense of contentment. To fold this into your happiness practice, regularly check in with how you’re thinking and feeling throughout the day. Whenever you find yourself caught in the web of comparing, criticizing, or cutting yourself down, repeat worthiness-boosting affirmations. You might say something like, “I am whole and complete, exactly as I am,” “I am worthy of love and connection,” “I am worthy of forgiveness, including my own,” or create your own affirmations that help you remember your worthiness. Watch your happiness meter rise.

5. Tune out. We already know that we live in a digital era, in which technology pervades every aspect of our lives. But as many advantages as this provides us, there are also some pretty considerable drawbacks to consider. The research is clear that if we aren’t mindful about how we engage online, we risk doing harm to our happiness. The more mindlessly we engage online, the less connected we feel to our actual lives. And this is worth adjusting, because as it turns out, mindfulness—the practice of deliberately connecting to our actual experience in the moment—is known to increase happiness. To harness happiness by tuning out, practice limiting your online engagement. Take social media fasts; dedicate time to going offline; cultivate your real-life relationships; limit your TV time, and try a new activity instead.

6. Drop in. Our waking hours are spent swimming through a stream of distractions that vie determinedly for our attention. From the moment we wake up until the moment we go to sleep, many of us are either busy doing something or thinking about the next thing we’ll do. But when we fill our days with work and obligations, constantly thinking about what’s next, we get tired. And often when we’re tired, we numb ourselves out in an effort to rest and disconnect. There’s nothing wrong with this, except that it often doesn’t work very well. Instead of feeling refreshed, we can feel even less energized. Worse, we can find ourselves lethargic, bored, or apathetic. Developing practices that connect us inward can help us increase our happiness as we learn to nurture and give to ourselves. Meditation is a remarkably effective tool for helping us turn inward and generate positive feelings. Exercise is another great way for us to practice connecting with ourselves and attuning to our mind and body. Journaling, another useful tool for hacking happiness, helps us to learn from the wisdom of our own free-flowing thoughts and let go of things in our minds that weigh us down and contribute negatively to our lives. Try incorporating one or all of these into your daily life, and enjoy the uptick in happiness that comes with it.

7. Get your hands dirty. One of the best ways to experience more happiness is to get in touch with our abundance, and helping others is a marvelous way to do this. Volunteering has been shown to boost our sense of contentment, gratitude, and overall wellbeing. But we don’t need to be Rockefellers to make this happen. When we contribute to others, in ways both large and small, we also contribute to our own happiness. Take some time to seek ways that you can get involved in your world and your life, and enjoy the bonus prize of a sizable boost in happiness.

8. Get your feet dirty, too. This final happiness hack is my personal favorite. I don’t know about you, but I have fond recollections of how fun and freeing it felt to be a child. Back when my responsibilities were few and my options felt limitless, happiness always seemed to be right at my fingertips. If you can relate to this, then you’ll be glad to know that engaging in play activities is one of the best ways to experience more happiness. Let loose, access your imagination, and be creative. And if you want to up-level your efforts to get happier through play, take the fun outdoors! Being in nature is an unparalleled mood-booster. Kick of your shoes, ground yourself in the earth, and soak up all the good vibes it has to share with you.

I hope these 8 simple hacks set you on the path toward inviting more happiness into your life. Got some happiness hacking tips of your own? Share them with me in the comments section below!

Be Careful What You Wish For

a dandelion with drops of water on it.

I recently visited a primary school and noticed an array of student assignments lining the school’s main hallway. Attracted by the bright colors and creative handwriting, I decided to take a closer look. What I saw was a collection of students’ answers to the question: What do you want to be when you grow up? I smiled as I read some of the kids’ responses—predictable ones, like doctor and astronaut, along with some surprises, like aeronautical engineer and toothpaste inventor. As much as I enjoyed seeing the fun stuff these kids came up with, I couldn’t help but feel a bit troubled by the whole thing. Of course, getting kids to think about what they want to be sparks creativity and imagination. It plants seeds of inspiration, inviting them to think about the future and consider what’s possible. But as a therapist who’s spent a lot of time working with disillusioned, distressed, and disappointed adults, I can’t help but see the other side of this well-intentioned thought exercise: It sets the tone for a life spent wishing and wanting.

Now, before you deem me cynical and stop reading, hear me out. As I mentioned before, I appreciate the value in thinking about what we want for the future. If we don’t give it any thought whatsoever, we end up aimless, with no clear direction for our lives. But at a certain point, the act of wanting can become damaging. Research in the field of Positive Psychology has demonstrated that the more we want, the more dissatisfied and unhappy we tend to be. And we don’t really need a bunch of fancy studies to tell us this is the case. If you’ve ever invested time or energy into wanting a bigger house, a better job, or a more compassionate spouse, you’ve felt the sting of not having those things now. Thinking about what we want naturally invites thoughts about what’s lacking—and this, of course, is an obvious downer. Furthermore, since wishing and wanting tend to be future-focused, they pull us out of the present moment, robbing us of our ability to be satisfied with what is. If you’ve read any of my previous blog posts, you already know how vital present-moment awareness and satisfaction are to our overall wellbeing; so while wanting is natural and somewhat necessary for our lives, we have to be aware of this particular pitfall.

Another issue that occurs when we focus on what we want is that we fail to consider the many implications associated with getting it. The expression Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it applies perfectly here. There’s a reason many lottery winners wind up depressed, broke, or suicidal. We might have a clear idea of what we want, but if we don’t consider how our lives will change when we get it, we could end up less happy than when we started. I once worked with a client who spent most of her professional life focused on retirement. She wanted to get there so badly, for so long, that it shaped her life and influenced many of her choices. When we started working together, it had been eight months since she retired, and she was completely miserable. She explained to me that in all the years of rushing toward retirement, she never considered what her life would be like once she got there. With tears flowing, she said this about her experience: “It never occurred to me that once I got to this point in my life, my parents would be dead, I’d be too tired to do the traveling I’d put off until now, and I wouldn’t have any hobbies to keep my busy mind quiet. This is nothing at all like I thought it would be.” We can learn a great deal from the examples of people like my client, who suffer as a result of getting what they once wanted. If we aren’t careful, getting what we want could be a recipe for disaster.

Above all else, the biggest reason to be mindful of what we wish for is that we’re prone to believe we’ll be happier once we acquire what we desire. Social science research has proven that thinking this way is a setup, because the more we get, the more we want. We believe that getting what we wish for will be the answer to all of our problems, granting us lifelong joy and satisfaction. But happiness happens to be an inside job; without knowing how to cultivate it internally for ourselves, no amount of money or external rewards will allow us to experience or maintain it. Considering this and the other points of caution I mentioned earlier, it’s easy to wonder whether wishing and wanting is worth the risk. But let me assure you, there’s some good news here for those willing to take heed.

Despite the potential dangers associated with wanting, there is a way to utilize it in order to enrich our lives without suffering from all the unintended, messy side effects. First, and most importantly, we have to be clear that getting what we want is not a guaranteed solution to our problems. We aren’t going to reach some utopian state of bliss once our desires manifest; life just simply doesn’t work that way. Optimal wanting starts with generating this important awareness. If happiness is what we’re after—and most of the time, it is—we’re wise to focus on how we can cultivate it right here and now, before we’ve bought the yacht, backpacked through Europe, or married our one true love. Life is always happening in the present moment, so it’s important for us to realize that while we wish, want, dream, and fantasize, our real lives are taking place. For me, there’s nothing more terrifying than the prospect of reaching the end of my life and realizing I missed out on all of it, because I was too busy thinking about what I wanted instead of appreciating what I had. Don’t let this happen to you. Set goals for your life and, by all means, get intentional about going after them. But know that everything you hope to feel when you get what you wish for is available to you right here, right now.

The Making of a Grateful Mind

the sun is setting over a city with tall buildings.

If you’re the type of person who actively seeks ways to improve your quality of life, you’re likely to have come across a thing or two about the importance of gratitude. Just about every self-help book on the shelves makes mention of gratitude, and researcher after researcher has touted its many benefits. People who practice gratitude have been found to be more compassionate, more optimistic, more joyful, and more content with themselves and their lives. Gratitude has been associated with higher levels of positive emotions, stronger immune systems, and lower blood pressure. Clearly, it wields a great deal of power.

But for many people, gratitude doesn’t come naturally.

In a culture that values the attainment of more (more money, more friends, more social media “likes,” more material things), it’s easy for us to feel like we’re lacking. We’re flooded with messages that tell us we don’t have enough and, even worse, that we aren’t enough. We like to believe that if only we had the right salary, the right body type, the right car, the right romantic partner, the right house, then we could be satisfied. But it doesn’t quite work that way. You see, research has shown that when we think that acquiring certain things—like money, status, or fame—will make us happier, we’re only setting ourselves up for dissatisfaction. Just as soon as we get what we wanted, we come up with other things to aim for; and until we acquire those things, we remain discontented. Social scientists call this the hedonic treadmill effect: the more we get, the more we want, and the more we want, the more unhappy we are.

The biggest problem with the hedonic treadmill is that once you step on, it’s really tough to hop off. However, there’s one thing that works particularly well for escaping this dilemma. Yep, you guessed it; it’s gratitude.

People who cultivate a sense of gratitude are able to appreciate and enjoy their lives, regardless of their external circumstances. They understand that by acknowledging what they have to give thanks for, they’re generating a sense of contentment and satisfaction that isn’t dependent on outside sources. If you’re one of those people who lives in gratitude, you know what I’m talking about. If you’re not one of those people but would like to be, here are a few ways you can begin to practice more gratitude in your life:

1) Greet Each Day Gratefully –The first thing many people do upon waking up is grumble about the fact that it’s morning. They grumpily get out of bed and start the day lethargically, begrudging the fact that they can’t sleep any longer. What we do when we first wake up has the potential to shape our entire day. That’s why the best time to practice gratitude is first thing in the morning. A few years ago I started a personal practice of not letting myself get up until I’ve thought of five things I’m grateful for. I might say to myself something like, “This morning I’m grateful for this comfortable bed, for having a reason to wake up in the morning, for the light of the beautiful sun shining through my window, for my air conditioner, and for the clothes I’ll wear to work today.” Reflecting on how fortunate I am automatically puts me in a joyful mood, and it’s in that spirit that I emerge from bed. You may come up with your own practice, but however you do it, maintain the intention of shaping your day with thankfulness.

2) Keep a Gratitude Journal – Researchers who study gratitude suggest that keeping a written record of the things we’re grateful for can have tremendous psychological and emotional benefits. Not only does the act of writing down things you’re thankful for get you in a positive mind state, it also allows you to put your experiences in context and create meaning in your life. The results of studies on gratitude journaling suggest that the practice is most effective when it’s done intentionally. In other words, people get the most of out it when they take their time to think about what they’re grateful for and experience the emotions that arise while they write it down. Researchers recommend writing about five items each time, and journaling only a couple of times per week rather than every day. So what are you waiting for? Get the lead out, and get grateful!

3) Make the Switch – Have you heard it said that we create our own reality? What about the saying “Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it”? Well, there’s great wisdom in these expressions. As we go through life, we get to choose how to perceive what we experience. And what we choose makes all the difference. For example, sitting in traffic on your morning commute can either be agonizing or enjoyable. If you think, “I hate traffic! I wish I didn’t have to deal with this in the morning. I’m so jealous of people who work from home,” you’re going to feel really lousy. And who wants to feel lousy when you have a choice to feel otherwise? If you think, “I’m so grateful to have a car that gets me to work. I’m grateful to have the extra time to myself that I can use to listen to music and relax before the work day begins,” you generate an entirely different feeling. Suddenly that morning commute isn’t so bad. And it’s not just traffic that can be transformed this way. We can switch our minds to gratitude in absolutely every situation. It’s all a matter of focus. The best part is, when you regularly practice switching your perspective to look for what you’re grateful for rather than what’s lacking, you train your brain to pay attention in this way more often. Do this long enough and you’ll automatically see the upside without having to give it much effort.

4) Get Grateful Through Giving – One of the best ways to be reminded of what you have to be grateful for is to keep company with someone who’s less fortunate than you are. Most of us can agree that it feels really good to give to others; it serves as a reminder of our abundance. Volunteer work, service, and random acts of kindness are all incredible ways to cultivate a sense of gratitude. The more we give, the more we realize how much we have to give. And the more we realize that, the more grateful we become. When we give to others we also give to ourselves. It’s the greatest win-win situation of all.

When you start getting grateful you start to see your life transform right before you. You begin to realize that no matter what’s happening, there’s always something to be thankful for. Why not start getting grateful right here, right now? I challenge you to stay on this screen until you’ve named five things you’re grateful for.

Ready?

 

Set?

 

Go!!!

Want a Better Life? Do Less, Be More

a person sitting on top of a cliff.

Take a moment to ask yourself the following questions:

  • When was the last time I jumped out of bed in the morning with the energy of a child, eager to face the day?  
  • When did I last take a moment to pause, look up at the sky, and marvel at its vastness? 
  • What was the last thing I did that made me feel completely and utterly in love with myself?
  • How long has it been since I had a meaningful interaction with another person?
  • When was the last time I felt fully satisfied with the life I’m living?

Chances are you had a difficult time answering a few, if not all, of those questions. Most people do.

In our increasingly fast-paced society, in which we glorify being busy and contend with countless demands on our time, life can often feel like a struggle to keep up. Emails flood our inboxes at a frenzied pace, and every issue in our lives seems to require our immediate attention. Our technology keeps us flooded with information that’s impossible to keep up with, and we’re in a constant state of sensory overload. It’s no wonder we often feel exhausted and (ironically) disconnected so much of the time.

Don’t get me wrong, much can be gained from working hard, seeking advancement, and making the most of the technology available to us. The problem is that it comes at quite a cost.

Here’s the thing. There’s a reason we’re called human beings and not human doings. Although we’re highly capable of doing, we were designed for being. And when we allow ourselves to slow down and just be, we discover how much we’re missing and overlooking when we’re zipping through life at lightning speed.

Shifting from doing mode to being mode can create a monumental shift in our experience of life. When we make this shift, we start to feel more centered, more balanced, more grounded, more connected. We start deliberately using our five senses to encounter the world around us. We start getting curious about our internal experience, noticing our thoughts and emotions as they arise. We start to get intentional about engaging with everything that surrounds us, including other human beings. We start discovering and enjoying the miraculous nature of being alive.

People who learn how to create the shift from doing to being tend to have a positive outlook on life. They tend to find their relationships meaningful and satisfying. Most importantly, they tend to experience deep love for themselves and their lives.

Are you interested in becoming one of those people? I’m happy to tell you that you can be. It’s only a matter of practice.

The best way to begin the practice of doing less and being more is to create small rituals and commit to carrying them out each day. You might start by doing something as simple as setting an alarm on your phone that goes off 5 times a day. Each time the alarm goes off, you stop whatever you’re doing and take 5 full, deep breaths, allowing yourself to rest your attention completely on the sensation of breathing. Another entry point to being mode is meditation. You might begin by searching YouTube for guided meditations, choosing one you feel comfortable with, and doing it 2 times a week.

When you commit to living more intentionally, you’re committing to a life of more vitality and deeper awareness. You’re giving yourself the gift of living life more fully, with a greater sense of purpose. I welcome you to explore some other ways you can engage your natural state of being, and I invite you to stay tuned for more posts here at Evergreen Therapy that will guide your journey toward slowing down and tuning in.

 

 

 

 

Get Out of Your Head, Get Into Your Experience

a view of the top of a snowy mountain.

“Experience, contrary to popular belief, is mostly imagination” – Ruth Benedict

I came across this quote recently, and it really struck a chord with me. It got me thinking about perspective and how much it influences the way we experience our lives. Recently I worked with a client who was struggling with a sense of being “stuck in a rut.” She knew she should be happy with her two fabulous jobs, her gorgeous new home, her adoring partner, and her ever-expanding wardrobe, but she just didn’t feel satisfied. And it seemed the more she tried to remind herself of all the reasons she had to be happy, the less content she felt. By the time she came to see me, she was convinced that she was “self-sabotaging,” setting herself up for “a miserable life.”

My client’s experience is not uncommon. Who can’t relate to being surrounded by things that should produce joy, yet feeling underwhelmed? The truth is, things like appreciation and gratitude—the things my client wanted to feel but didn’t—are just like muscles; they have to be conditioned and put to work in order to grow stronger. And the first step in the process of conditioning these mental muscles is paying attention.

If we want to shift our experience of life and become more aware of how good we have it, we must start by tuning in to what’s going on. We often feel dissatisfied because we’re distracted and consumed by our own thoughts. Rather than taking stock of what we do have, we think about what we’d rather have or compare ourselves to people who have more. We get caught up in anxious thinking, dreaming up catastrophe situations or wondering when things will go wrong. Or we simply get carried away by the chitter-chatter taking place inside our minds. The problem with this is that whenever we’re in our minds, it’s a guarantee that we’re not present for our experiences. We’re living in our imaginations rather than living our actual lives. Going through life this way is a setup for disappointment and disillusionment. It’s one of the biggest reasons why so many people search for happiness and fail to find it.

Through our work together, my client came to realize that a big culprit for her discontent was that instead of living her life, she was telling herself stories about her life. I taught her techniques to ground herself in the present moment and flex the mental muscles of attention, awareness, and appreciation. Within just a few weeks, she was feeling completely differently. She had achieved a sense of deep satisfaction, and the important people in her life noticed a big difference in her attitude and outlook.

Just as a picture of a place will never do it justice, a story about our experience will never compare to the real thing. The time to start appreciating what you have is right now. But first you’ve got to get out of your head so you can get into your experience. When you learn to do this and commit yourself to practicing it, you’ll be surprised to find that happiness is well within your reach.