When the Unimaginable Happens: Coping With Tragedy

rows of lit candles in a dark room.

I had to take a few weeks off from writing, and I was really looking forward to getting back to it. But this post is not at all what I had in mind. It’s been an incredibly trying few days for countless people who are finding themselves dumfounded and devastated in the wake of the mass shooting at Pulse nightclub in Orlando, Florida. Forty-nine innocent queer individuals and allies lost their lives, and the world is still reeling. I’m not yet able to fully articulate my thoughts and emotions about this horrific event, but I would be remiss if I didn’t take an opportunity to address what happened in some fashion. If you have been affected—as most of us have—by what happened in Orlando, I offer these suggestions:

  • Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Events like this one can stoke a number of unpleasant emotions. Feelings of anger, sadness, despair, fear, and defeat are common; and though it never feels good to keep company with those emotions, it’s important that you allow yourself to do it. Failing to attend to the natural emotions that arise when tragedy strikes can lead to what we in the mental health field call complicated grief. It can prolong the bereavement process and lead to the development of other, more chronic emotional and psychological challenges. Remember that all feelings are okay. Whatever emotions arise for you are completely valid—and like all emotions, they will eventually pass.
  • Set limits on your media consumption. If you tune in to any form of media in the wake of a tragedy, you’re guaranteed to be inundated with images, videos, commentary, and debates that are, to some extent, informative but can become completely overwhelming if not limited. When a traumatic event occurs, it’s natural to want to seek information in an effort to make sense of what happened. But how much is too much? Social science researchers tell us that repeated exposure to tragic events through the media can result in vicarious trauma, a secondhand form of trauma that is incited and perpetuated by the flooding of imagery and information about a tragic event. It’s okay to inform yourself, but do it mindfully and in moderation.
  • Seek the comfort of community. Connect with the people around you, and seek solace in the relationships you have with them. Find strength in togetherness, and lean in to the supportive structure that community provides. There’s something very soothing about recognizing that we’re all in this together. Do everything possible to remind yourself of that.
  • Get involved. One of the most difficult things about coping with a tragedy is the feeling of helplessness it provokes. Knowing that people are suffering as a result of what happened can be troubling, especially if it feels like there’s nothing you can do about it. But in most cases, there are plenty of ways that you can make a difference in the lives of the people most affected by the tragic event. One of the greatest things about social media is that when disaster strikes, we can quickly and easily connect with people, organizations, and resources that will help us get involved and give in whatever ways we can. Volunteering your time or contributing in other ways—like giving blood, making financial contributions, donating necessary items, or building houses—is a helpful way to cope with the tragedy and regain a sense of hope.
  • Talk to a professional. It isn’t always easy to recover from the shock and trauma of a tragic event. Everyone processes things differently, and how long it takes to feel okay again is completely unique to each individual. But while it’s normal to be affected, you should seek the help of a therapist or other professional if your functioning is impaired. Having someone to talk to about what you’re experiencing is incredibly important during times like these; through the support of a professional experienced in treating trauma, you can learn ways to cope effectively and manage to stay well.

 Dealing with the emotional impact of a largescale tragedy is never easy. But it’s important that you find ways to adaptively cope and take care of yourself. Try to keep your hope alive, and remember that you are not alone. Give yourself permission to grieve, and then gather your strength and continue living. The world needs you. Be well, today and always.

Relationship Problems and How to Fix Them: Tips from an Expert

two people walking down a dirt road in the fog.

This week I want to share with you an article I came across in Time online, which explores the four most common problems couples face, along with some on-target suggestions for how to fix them. I’ll be honest, I usually tend to skeptically raise an eyebrow when I come across articles like this one—but, in this case, I was pleasantly surprised. The author really did his homework. To find out what problems couples most commonly face, he turned to Dr. John Gottman, a premier expert in romantic relationships and a pioneer in couples therapy research. Gottman’s research on the strengths that characterize successful relationships and the pitfalls that characterize the not-so-successful ones has significantly influenced my work with couples. So it seems appropriate that I should share this article with you.

If you’re looking to strengthen your relationship, you’ll certainly find the information in the article to be helpful. But, of course, tips like the ones contained within it are only beneficial if you put them to use. If you believe your relationship could use some fine tuning, couples therapy may be the right choice for you. Contact me for a free consultation! 305-814-4863

Happy reading!

http://time.com/3629761/fix-relationship-problems/?xid=time_socialflow_facebook

 

 

 

Don’t Tread on Me: The Essential Nature of Relationship Rules

padlocks on a railing near a lake with mountains in the background.

We don’t tend to enter romantic relationships with the intention of getting our hearts stepped on, but at some point or another most of us have felt that pain. There are few things more agonizing than reflecting on a romance turned sour and wondering what could have been done differently. However, there’s also a lot we can learn from looking back at what went wrong. One thing that’s really helpful to look into when exploring our past relationships is the way we dealt with rules and boundaries.

All relationships, romantic and otherwise, operate based on certain rules. Each person comes into the relationship with a personal set of rules, and together the couple establishes rules that dictate what works and what doesn’t in the relationship. While we tend to put some of the rules on the table, many of them go unspoken. We communicate those unspoken rules—with varying degrees of subtlety—through our actions and interactions in the relationship. For example, if a man gets agitated and rigid every time his partner attempts to show affection in public, he’s silently communicating one of his personal rules—in this case, that PDA is off limits. But if his partner doesn’t pick up on this nonverbal communication, it’s almost a guarantee that the interaction will generate some unpleasant friction. A single instance of this may not cause much damage, but if it happens often, it could unravel the relationship.

That’s why it’s so important to be clear about our personal rules and boundaries. We need to know what they are and maintain them firmly, ensuring that whoever we enter a relationship with is willing to respect them as much as we do. When processing breakups in therapy, many of my clients come to realize that they and their partners failed to speak up about their rules, which set in motion negative patterns of interaction that destroyed the relationship.

I recently worked with a client who was devastated after breaking up with a woman he thought would become his wife. When we explored the series of events that he identified as the cause for the breakup, he started to get agitated and experience feelings of anger and resentment. The further he went into these feelings, the closer he got to understanding where they were coming from. He realized that he felt disrespected and taken advantage of by this woman. This is how he put it: “I did everything for her and didn’t ask for anything in return. There were tons of things that she did that I wasn’t okay with, but I let her do them because I didn’t want any problems. And she didn’t appreciate any of it. She just took and took from me and then ended things without considering what I wanted.”

My client’s feelings of resentment and anger were understandable. His pain was justified. But for him to learn from what went wrong in that relationship, it was important for him to look at the role he played. By examining this in therapy, my client came to realize that he had specific personal rules he never communicated to his girlfriend and, more importantly, didn’t uphold or respect himself. He came to acknowledge that while he wanted respect from his girlfriend, he wasn’t showing much respect for himself by allowing her to do things he wasn’t okay with. By violating his own rules, he was silently telling his girlfriend she could violate them also.

How we treat our own rules sends a message to our partners about how they can treat them. Think about it this way: If you have a no shoes in the house policy in your home but walk around with shoes on, you can’t expect your guests to know the rule and follow it. By breaking the rule yourself, you’ve given them permission to break it as well.

Nobody’s perfect, and no relationship is perfect either. But most of us do strive to have intimate relationships that are as healthy and harmonious as possible. It’s important to remember that harmony at the relationship level starts with clarity at the individual level. Take some time to identify your personal rules and boundaries, and be intentional about respecting them so your partner will respect them too.

Taking the Plunge: Vulnerability and Authenticity in Intimate Relationships

a person making a heart shape with their hands.

Human beings are wired for connection. It’s in our DNA. But as much as our nature primes us to connect with others, we often struggle to make and maintain these connections. Part of the reason for this difficulty is that connection requires quite a bit of risk. To truly experience intimacy with another human being, we have to be willing to be vulnerable and show up with our full selves. For most of us, this means tapping into raw emotions and deep desires that are difficult for us to confront, let alone share with another person.

Drawing from a model of couples therapy that urges partners to access and share their emotions so they can strengthen their connection, Dr. John Amadeo talks about the power of being authentic in our intimate relationships. Check out his thought-provoking article here, and share your thoughts with me. What do you think makes authenticity such a challenge? What are some ways you could become more authentic in your relationships?