Get Out of Your Head, Get Into Your Experience

a view of the top of a snowy mountain.

“Experience, contrary to popular belief, is mostly imagination” – Ruth Benedict

I came across this quote recently, and it really struck a chord with me. It got me thinking about perspective and how much it influences the way we experience our lives. Recently I worked with a client who was struggling with a sense of being “stuck in a rut.” She knew she should be happy with her two fabulous jobs, her gorgeous new home, her adoring partner, and her ever-expanding wardrobe, but she just didn’t feel satisfied. And it seemed the more she tried to remind herself of all the reasons she had to be happy, the less content she felt. By the time she came to see me, she was convinced that she was “self-sabotaging,” setting herself up for “a miserable life.”

My client’s experience is not uncommon. Who can’t relate to being surrounded by things that should produce joy, yet feeling underwhelmed? The truth is, things like appreciation and gratitude—the things my client wanted to feel but didn’t—are just like muscles; they have to be conditioned and put to work in order to grow stronger. And the first step in the process of conditioning these mental muscles is paying attention.

If we want to shift our experience of life and become more aware of how good we have it, we must start by tuning in to what’s going on. We often feel dissatisfied because we’re distracted and consumed by our own thoughts. Rather than taking stock of what we do have, we think about what we’d rather have or compare ourselves to people who have more. We get caught up in anxious thinking, dreaming up catastrophe situations or wondering when things will go wrong. Or we simply get carried away by the chitter-chatter taking place inside our minds. The problem with this is that whenever we’re in our minds, it’s a guarantee that we’re not present for our experiences. We’re living in our imaginations rather than living our actual lives. Going through life this way is a setup for disappointment and disillusionment. It’s one of the biggest reasons why so many people search for happiness and fail to find it.

Through our work together, my client came to realize that a big culprit for her discontent was that instead of living her life, she was telling herself stories about her life. I taught her techniques to ground herself in the present moment and flex the mental muscles of attention, awareness, and appreciation. Within just a few weeks, she was feeling completely differently. She had achieved a sense of deep satisfaction, and the important people in her life noticed a big difference in her attitude and outlook.

Just as a picture of a place will never do it justice, a story about our experience will never compare to the real thing. The time to start appreciating what you have is right now. But first you’ve got to get out of your head so you can get into your experience. When you learn to do this and commit yourself to practicing it, you’ll be surprised to find that happiness is well within your reach.

 

Retaining Your Resolutions in 2016

a bunch of fireworks are lit up in the night sky.

The start of a new year is an exciting time. It’s an opportunity to wipe the slate clean and approach the upcoming 365 days with new intentions. For many people, New Year’s Day is an occasion for setting resolutions in the spirit of self-improvement. But as we all know, even the most sincerely set resolutions often go unfulfilled. By the middle of the year, most people will have lost sight of what they promised themselves on January 1st. So how can you dodge this trend and follow through with your commitment? Start by following these five simple steps:

1) Reflect on Your Past Efforts

When setting resolutions for a new year, a good place to start is by reflecting on your efforts from previous years. Ask yourself: “What got in my way of sticking to previous years’ resolutions?” Then ask: “What goals have I been able to stick to and attain?” Take notes to get a sense of what works for you and what doesn’t. Learn from your own successes, and figure out how to bypass the obstacles that could keep you from fulfilling your resolution this year.

2) Set Clear and Reasonable Resolutions

Be clear about the change you want to achieve. “Getting in shape” isn’t very specific, but “fitting comfortably into that too-tight pair of skinny jeans in the closet” is. Once you’ve clarified the resolution, break it down into small, manageable objectives—something you can work on little by little. When you break the big goal down into incremental steps, you’ll find it’s easy to stay on track by doing a little something every day. Today it might be taking a walk around the neighborhood, tomorrow buying fresh produce at the local farmer’s market. Before you know it, you’re rocking the skinny jeans in April and feeling like a winner!

3) Be Kind to Yourself While You Work On Your Resolution

The way we speak to ourselves has a whole lot to do with how we feel, how we function, and whether we fulfill our resolutions. Think about it: If you had someone following you around all the time saying critical, insulting things to you, wouldn’t you feel defeated? So why would you say such things to yourself? Many of us walk around saying self-deprecating, even hurtful, things to ourselves, which saps our energy, keeping us from going after what we want. It’s important when setting resolutions and working toward them to act in a spirit of love and a desire to improve our lives.

4) Find a Way to Check in With Your Resolution EVERY DAY

Most people who fail to fulfill their new year’s resolution do so because they simply stop thinking about it. Despite their best intentions to do something different, life—and everything that comes with it—just gets in the way. But this doesn’t have to be the case. It doesn’t take much time or effort to make even major changes; sometimes all it takes is checking in with the resolution to keep it alive. The simplest way to do this is to write it down and keep it visible. Write it on your bathroom mirror, your refrigerator, your office desktop, your cell phone’s home screen, or all of the above! Make it a point to read the resolution every day, mindfully reminding yourself of what you set out to do at the start of the year. You’ll be amazed at how much this works to keep you on track!

5) Create an Audience of Affirmation

Commit yourself to change by making it known that you’ve set a goal for yourself. I call this creating an audience of affirmation. If your resolution for 2016 is to run a marathon, tell everyone you know about it (after you’ve registered for the race, of course). By creating an audience for your efforts, you’re implicitly committing yourself to completing it. Won’t it feel good to be able to tell your coworker, or sister-in-law, or neighbor that you’re up to 15 miles when they ask you five months from now how your training is going? Won’t it be wonderful to see your marathon medal on the mantelpiece next New Year’s Eve? Invite people into your process of change and transformation, and let their excitement for you serve as fuel to motivate your efforts.

May 2016 bring new opportunities for transformation, inspiration, growth, and positive change. Resolve to do it, put in the work, and revel in the joy of accomplishing what you set out to. Cheers!

Taking the Plunge: Vulnerability and Authenticity in Intimate Relationships

a person making a heart shape with their hands.

Human beings are wired for connection. It’s in our DNA. But as much as our nature primes us to connect with others, we often struggle to make and maintain these connections. Part of the reason for this difficulty is that connection requires quite a bit of risk. To truly experience intimacy with another human being, we have to be willing to be vulnerable and show up with our full selves. For most of us, this means tapping into raw emotions and deep desires that are difficult for us to confront, let alone share with another person.

Drawing from a model of couples therapy that urges partners to access and share their emotions so they can strengthen their connection, Dr. John Amadeo talks about the power of being authentic in our intimate relationships. Check out his thought-provoking article here, and share your thoughts with me. What do you think makes authenticity such a challenge? What are some ways you could become more authentic in your relationships?

Responding Versus Reacting

a large body of water sitting under a blue sky.

Life is beautiful, but it can also be pretty stressful and unpredictable. One minute things are going just fine and the next you’re faced with an unplanned for, unpleasant situation. Let’s say you’re at the grocery store after a long workday. You’re finally unloading your items onto the conveyor belt after waiting in line for 10 minutes, when suddenly the cashier tells you, “I need to close this line. Please go to another register.” You can’t believe what you’ve just heard. Suddenly your body kicks into stress mode: your heart starts pounding, your mind starts racing, and you tense up from head to toe. You feel agitated, frustrated, disappointed, angry, and anxious all at once. So what happens next?

When unanticipated stressful events occur, a number of pretty predictable things happen inside of us. Just like in the grocery store scenario I depicted, a number of emotions arise; the mind gets flooded with thoughts; and the body gets activated, preparing to fight or flee. These things occur automatically when we experience some stressor in the environment, because we’re wired to do what we need to do to survive. But what happens when the stressor isn’t threatening our survival? What happens when it’s just an annoyance, a disruption, or a temporary inconvenience?

In most cases, immediate reactions to non-life-threatening stressful events are unhelpful and wind up causing more stress than the initial event. Let’s say, for example, that when the cashier tells you the checkout line is closed, you blow up at her, cussing loudly while slamming your items back in the cart. Reacting this way might draw negative attention from the people around you and cause you to damage some of the food items you intended to purchase—both of which get you more stressed and more agitated than you started out.

But not all hope is lost. You see, reacting to stressful events isn’t the only option we have. Unlike other living creatures—and even unlike our less evolved ancestors—we have the capacity to respond to situations thoughtfully, rather than just reacting based on instinct or impulse. To do this, however, takes practice. It’s important to remember that you can’t control the thoughts that enter your mind or the emotions that rise up within you when you experience some stressful event. What you can control is what you do next.

Practicing meditation and other relaxation techniques helps to prepare us to be responsive rather than reactive. They train us to be aware of when we’ve been triggered to react so that we can take the hit, take a breath, and take a minute to decide how to respond. Responding mindfully to events, rather than simply reacting, allows us to take command of our experience in the present moment. And it certainly makes grocery shopping a lot more pleasant.

Therapy: It’s Not Supposed To Last Forever

a close up of grass with water droplets on it.

When the New York Times recently posted an opinion piece about the right amount of therapy for optimal change, I felt excited and gratified all at once. You see, as a brief therapist, I understand all too well that like most things, therapy is subject to the law of diminishing returns. This economics term essentially means that after a certain amount of input and effort, the benefits reaped from that effort—therapeutic change, for example—peak and plateau. More effort doesn’t yield more benefits; in fact, increased efforts could even do more harm than good.

It used to be that therapy was a lifelong process intended to get at the root of people’s unconscious drives and motivations—but quite frankly, nobody has time for that anymore! As the article mentions, most people these days seek therapy to overcome particular challenges and stuck situations in their lives. The truth is, it doesn’t take endless amounts of therapy to gain the perspective and tools necessary for overcoming those kinds of issues.

Every individual’s experience in therapy is different, but many years of practicing therapy have taught me (and the research supports) that most people see positive results from therapy after only a few sessions. The key is setting clear, measurable goals at the start of therapy and maintaining an open, honest therapist/client dialogue to be sure that progress is being made along the way.

Therapy isn’t for sick people; it isn’t for crazy people. When we treat it as an opportunity to get through difficulties, expand our view of the world, resolve relationship issues, and become better versions of ourselves, it’s clear that therapy is for absolutely everyone. And real change can happen sooner than most people think!

Check out the New York Times article here:

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/22/opinion/sunday/in-therapy-forever-enough-already.html?_r=1