What Can Only Be Gained When You’re Willing to Venture

a person standing on top of a mountain.

Working on this blog post is a particular treat for me. As I write, I’m sitting on a beautiful terrace overlooking a landscape I couldn’t have imagined in my sweetest dreams. It’s the end of a two-week journey I’ve spent traveling through a part of the world that isn’t exactly a popular tourist destination; and I can’t help but smile as I think about everything that led up to this moment. You see, I’ve spent these two weeks in a corner of the world that’s appeared in countless international news headlines. A dark specter of terror hangs over it. When I first began sharing with people that I’d be traveling here, most of them thought I was crazy. Their responses to my travel plans ranged from bewilderment to outrage. Some couldn’t understand why I’d chosen such a controversial destination; others projected their own fears onto me. But a few of the people I told were excited about the adventure ahead of me. And those people had something very specific in common with each other: They’re accustomed to seeking new experiences outside their comfort zones.

I, like the people who supported my decision to visit this part of the world, believe that in order to experience life at its fullest and richest, we must challenge and stretch ourselves. We must reach beyond our modes of everyday living in order to access new experiences, new perspectives, new ways of being in the world. My choice to travel to a destination that had many people shaking their heads has paid off tremendously. It’s been a liberating adventure filled with countless discoveries and profound insights. It’s been fascinating, freeing, and unforgettable. Most importantly, it’s been nothing at all like what the naysayers told me it would be.

This adventure I’ve been enjoying has served as a reminder that there’s always a pot of gold awaiting us on the other side of our fears, doubts, and self-imposed limitations. Life gets so much bigger, so much more thrilling, when we move beyond the confines of our comfort and get intentional about seeing what else is out there. Of course, the kind of expansion I’m talking about can be experienced by traveling to new destinations; but getting on an airplane isn’t a requirement. There are countless ways to access it, and everyone’s process will look and feel different. What matters is the spirit with which these life-expanding experiences are approached, and the questions that guide the journey of discovery: What do you want to see that you haven’t yet seen? What does life look like outside the boundaries of your customary way of living? Who do you get to be to explore the world in a new and different way? What are you willing to risk in order to live the life of your dreams?

As humans, we’re driven to seek comfort in what’s familiar to us. We create habits, structure our lives in repetitive and routine ways, follow predictable patterns, and limit our options to keep ourselves safe. Now, there’s nothing wrong with this natural tendency to stick with what we know; but anyone who wants to get more out of life must be willing to get a little uncomfortable. As personal achievement philosopher Jim Rohn put it, “If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary.” Most of us would love to have exciting, extraordinary lives. But are we willing to step into unfamiliar territory to have it happen? Are we up for ignoring the naysayers and redefining what’s possible? Are we ready to stop settling and start daring greatly to get what we want? Though not everybody sees it this way, the possibilities for our lives are truly endless. We are not who we think we are, and the limitations we place on ourselves are almost always make believe.

You’ve heard it before: nothing ventured, nothing gained. But are you willing to live into this truth? What is the life you envision for yourself? What’s been stopping you from getting it? Maybe the biggest adventure of your life is awaiting you in a coffee shop on the other side of town. Maybe saying hello to the stranger behind you at the checkout line will change your life forever. Maybe you’ll apply for that job, make that phone call, book that flight, get that haircut, tell that person what you’ve been wanting to say. Maybe today will be the day you stand boldly in your declaration to live as fully and freely as you can—no matter what it costs you to do it. You probably don’t need to be reminded that life is short, and every moment matters. Let this nod of encouragement and gentle, loving push to take risks and live courageously propel you into your next big adventure. Aren’t you eager to see all the greatness life has in store for you?

From Panic to Peace: Learning to Manage and Minimize Anxiety

the sun is setting over a body of water.

The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that 18.1% of the US population suffers from chronic anxiety. But that number only includes those individuals who have been formally diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. The percentage of people who get anxious but don’t meet criteria for a formal disorder is much, much higher. That’s because anxiety is a natural human response to life circumstances. Though it affects everyone differently, it’s a pretty universal fact of life. At some point in our lives, we’ll all experience some form of anxiety. The question is, how do we manage it?

Inevitably, I end up talking to most of my clients about ways they can cope with the natural anxiety that arises in the course of everyday life. Whether it’s managing impossible demands and deadlines at work or waiting for medical test results, there’s always something in their path that they want to deal with as effectively and steadily as possible. The work we do in therapy or coaching to help them achieve this objective is twofold—first, we address their relationship to the issue provoking their anxiety; then we work on helping them be with and cope with the anxiety itself . Since everyone responds differently to anxiety, I always engage in unique conversations with my clients and tailor unique interventions to help them manage it. But there are a few general suggestions that are broadly applicable. I’ll share them with you here in hopes that they support you the next time anxiety gets you in its grips.

  1. Be Present to What’s Happening. As I mentioned before, the first part of managing anxiety is getting clear about what’s causing it in the first place. This means being highly attuned to your experience, paying attention to what you’re encountering in the world and the feelings it’s provoking within you. One of my clients speaks to me often about her boss—a perpetually stressed out small business owner—and the effect he has on her. For a long time, she’d come home from work completely depleted, having spent most of the 8-hour workday in a state of anxiety. It wasn’t until we began working together that she was able to identify what was happening throughout the course of the day to get her in such a state. Once she recognized that her interactions with her boss were the source of her anxiety, she was able to create a shift in her experience. The awareness my client demonstrated is the first step to managing anxiety. The more aware you are of your day-to-day experiences and how they affect you, the greater chance you’ll have of minimizing your anxiety. It helps to have a mindfulness practice, remaining as grounded as possible in the present moment and attuned to what’s unfolding within it. When you’re mindful of what’s happening around you, you can quickly notice what’s occurring and prepare to deal with it as effectively as possible. A mindfulness practice will also help with being aware of how anxiety feels and moves through you. As you become familiar with the signs of anxiety—especially the initial ones—you can get better and better at stopping it from progressing. Being present to what’s happening and maintaining an in-the-moment awareness of your experience will support you with responding in a calm and measured way to your anxiety triggers.
  1. Check Your Breathing. One of the first questions I ask my clients when we’re addressing the topic of anxiety is, “How good are you at noticing your breath?” Most people look at me quizzically, because their breath isn’t something they think about often. This might be true of you, too. How aware are you of your breath right now? I’ll bet that you’re much more aware of it at this moment than you’ve been at any other point throughout your day. And that’s okay. Most of us tend not to pay much attention to our breath. But getting connected to the breath is one of the best ways to manage and diminish anxiety. Most adults do a pretty poor job of breathing. It might sound silly, but it’s the truth. We breathe enough to keep ourselves alive, but not enough to get the maximum value out of each inhale and exhale. And when we’re anxious, our breath gets even more superficial. Most people—whether they suffer from acute anxiety or deal with the typical nervousness and stress of everyday living—find that taking a few deep, mindful breaths goes a long way in soothing and relaxing them. Once you get present to your experience, as I spoke about previously, it’s time to get connected to your breath. Find the spot in your body where you’re most aware of your breath. It might be your nostrils, or your chest, or your belly. Once you connect with it, breathe intentionally, tracking the movement of your breath throughout your body. Make an effort to take deep, belly breaths—the same way a baby does. As you inhale, let your belly expand. As the air moves through you, feel your chest opening and your shoulders slightly lifting. Hold your breath at the top for just a moment, and then slowly and intentionally exhale, feeling your body relax and your belly button move toward your spine when the breath is complete. I promise that just three of these intentional breaths will have you feeling calmer, more relaxed, and much less anxious than you began. Breathing deeply sends more oxygen to your brain, stimulates the part of your nervous system responsible for promoting relaxation, and calms your body down. Furthermore, when you pay attention to your breath, you shift your attention away from the flood of thoughts that tends to accompany stress and anxiety. Your breath is one of the most potent tools for anxiety relief, and it helps significantly if you use it often. So find a way to make mindful breathing a regular practice. I always recommend to my clients that they set reminders in their phones to go off at various times throughout the day, reminding them to slow down, take a few deep breaths, and get connected. Practicing this often will help you maintain a lower baseline of arousal and will come in handy whenever you get anxious.
  1. Check Your Thinking. In the course of a typical day, you’re likely to come across plenty of people, events, and situations that have the potential to trigger anxiety. But getting anxious is really an inside job. What I mean is that the way we think about those people, events, and situations is what determines whether or not we get anxious. Psychologist Aaron Beck, known as the father of Cognitive Therapy, identified a series of cognitive distortions—a.k.a. irrational ways of thinking—that trigger and exacerbate stress and anxiety. Some of these distortions include the following:
  • All or Nothing Thinking – seeing things in a rigid, either/or kind of way (e.g., “If I don’t get every question right on this test, I’m a total failure.”)
  • Personalization – taking things personally; blaming yourself for things that are out of your control (e.g., “My colleague was in a bad mood today because I’m not pulling my weight enough around here.” )
  • Catastrophizing – anticipating and predicting the worst; filling in the blanks of uncertainty with doomsday predictions (e.g., “I’m going to get fired if I don’t make it to work on time today, and nobody will ever hire me in this industry again.”)
  • Magnifying – exaggerating and blowing things out of proportion (e.g., “These expense reports are a mess. This is way too much work for me to handle. I’m never going to get this all done in time. This always happens. I can’t deal with it!”)

When you familiarize yourself with these cognitive distortions and other irrational lines of thinking, you can catch yourself and redirect your thinking, thus minimizing or halting your anxiety.

  1. Take Your Time Responding. When you’re anxious, a false sense of urgency can arise, prompting you to react hastily when it isn’t necessary to do so. Your thoughts move more quickly than usual in an anxious state, so it’s easy to become impulsive and feel as though you need to take immediate action. But this isn’t the case. You’re much likelier to respond effectively to a situation if you’re thinking clearly and taking your time. When you’re anxious, you’re essentially handicapped; your emotions are turned up, and it’s difficult to think clearly and rationally. When something triggers your anxiety, go slowly and deliberately through the process of responding. Think carefully and critically about how you want to make sense of what’s happening; then move forward with intention. Following the three suggestions above will support you in getting centered so you can reflect on your response to the situation at hand. One of my clients told me just this week that learning to go slow when she’s anxious has made a monumental change in her life. As she explained it, “When I notice the first signs of anxiety, I start paying attention to how I’m breathing and what assumptions I’m having about what’s going on. It slows me down so I don’t just freak out like I used to and feel out of control. It makes me feel powerful to be able to think clearly and not do things I regret because I’m anxious or worked up.” Like my client, you can learn to go slow and get in the driver’s seat of your experience when anxiety arises. This—as my client put it—is a pretty powerful thing.

Norman Mailer said that “the natural role of twentieth century [wo]man is anxiety.” He’s right. If we’re not acting with awareness, it’s easy for us to be driven blindly by anxiety. But being aware is a process and a practice; and when we engage in it deliberately and systematically, we can minimize our anxiety and navigate through our lives with more peace, presence, and purpose.

The Making of a Mind Master

a silhouette of a bird flying over a palm tree.

In his bestselling book, The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, author Robin Sharma wisely states: “The mind is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master.” The simple wisdom of these words speaks to the heart of the human experience, for to be human is to be in constant thought. It is to live inside an endless loop of inner chitter chatter about everything that is, was, and ever could be. Without the light of our awareness and the spirit of our conscious intention, we are bound to be the servants of our minds. And most of us know what it feels like to live this way, at the mercy of our own thoughts, consumed by the contents of our minds. But through subtle shifts in attention and the implementation of simple practices, we can enter a new relationship with our minds, becoming their masters and wielding their greatest potential.

Our minds are remarkably powerful, and they’re particularly good at three specific things: storytelling, meaning making, and time traveling. As a therapist and coach, I know all too well how heavily these functions of mind can impact people’s lives. When the mind is the master, the stories it tells, the meanings it makes, and the places it goes can create tremendous suffering. But I also know that while these activities of the mind can be enslaving, they can also serve as the doorways for liberation; they present an opportunity to become the mind’s master.

As storytelling machines, our minds run an ongoing narrative of everything that happens in our lives. The stories they tell us are captivating and distracting, holding our attention and heavily influencing our experience. Our minds can keep us from connecting with the present moment, because instead of attending to what’s happening in that moment, we’re caught up in the stories they tell us—either about what’s happening, or about something else altogether. It’s easy to feel disconnected when the mind is in control; while life unfolds right in front of us, our stories keep us trapped and unable to make contact.

To move from servitude to mastery, we must heighten our awareness of the mind’s propensity for storytelling. Through the development of practices like mindfulness and meditation, we can learn to notice when the stories in our minds are pulling us away from the present moment. The quicker we notice, the quicker and more effectively we can bring our attention back to our experience in the here-and-now. Becoming the master in this way means being more grounded, connected, and present to life.

Our minds are not only great at storytelling, they’re also pretty magnificent meaning-making machines. They interpret everything, filtering information through our personal biases and beliefs, and influencing how we make sense of the world. When we are servants to our minds, the meanings they make can blind and constrict us, keeping us stuck and limiting our perspective. We hold these interpretations—the meaning our minds generate about our experiences—as truths, and we get completely caught up in them. A great example of how this operates is a former client of mine, who came to me after suffering for 30 years from a sense of unworthiness. He shared with me that when he was in the 3rd grade, a couple of boys in his class teased him about his haircut, and a few other kids within earshot laughed along with them. The meaning my client made of that experience was that he was an “unlovable reject,” and he carried that with him throughout the rest of his life, until the point that we met. This example is as common as it is painful; we all know what it’s like to believe what our minds make up about some event or experience, and we know how limiting and damaging that can be.

The shift from servitude to mastery with respect to meaning-making comes with identifying our core beliefs and recognizing the things our minds make up about what we encounter in life. Therapy and coaching are particularly effective ways to develop mind mastery in this area. The more aware we are of the interpretations our minds create—and, most importantly, the ways in which those interpretations affect us—the more we can distinguish the facts from the interpretations, and the less we suffer.

As I mentioned before, our minds are highly sophisticated time-travel machines. At any given moment, we can travel to the near or distant past, the anticipated or imagined future. And while this is, no doubt, a pretty cool thing, it can also get pretty ugly. Because the reality is, our minds let us travel to the past and future, but we have absolutely no control over either one of them. The past is gone, and the future hasn’t happened yet, so dwelling in either one can be an exercise in suffering. When the mind is the master, its time-traveling adventures can cause depression, by dwelling on what’s already happened, and anxiety, by agonizing about what could happen. And that’s not to mention the ways in which all that time-hopping robs us of our ability to be in the present, where life is happening. Many of my clients speak to me about how terrible it can feel when their minds take control and zap them back into an ugly past or zoom them forward into an uncertain future. There’s a reason the Buddha taught so much about being in the present moment; he was wise to the reality that the mind likes to travel, and when it takes us with it, we’re liable to suffer.

To become a master of the mind’s time-traveling nature is to acknowledge that there are some undeniable upsides to this capability. The past is full of rich material; it contains our memories, the lessons we’ve learned, and valuable information that can guide us through life. Thinking about the future can also be advantageous, as we can plan, get excited about upcoming events, and anticipate things on the horizon in order to prepare for them effectively. When we learn how to travel to the past and future with intention and be in the driver’s seat for the voyage, we can use this function of our minds to its greatest capacity and avoiding unnecessary suffering.

The human mind is magnificent. As John Milton so aptly put it, it can “make a heaven of hell, a heal of heaven.” To master the mind is to master life, so why not start moving toward mastery right here and now? As always, I wish you peace and love and am here to keep you company on your journey however it supports you.

Ready to Take Your Life to the Next Level? Start Here

a snow globe sitting on top of a pile of snow.

My name is Dr. Denise Fournier, and I’m addicted to personal growth and transformation.

If you haven’t noticed, I live for the stuff. There’s just something about watching people go through the process of discovering and achieving their potential that gives me boundless joy. It is, without question, the greatest source of fulfillment and inspiration in my life. Many years ago, before deciding to become a therapist, I took on the project of connecting intimately with myself and discovering what was possible for me. I made personal development and self-mastery a priority, and it’s made all the difference in my life. Having the opportunity to share that with other people through the work I do as a therapist and coach is an invaluable gift—one that I’ll be dedicated to for as long as I live.

Through the work I’ve done on myself and with my clients, I’ve come to identify a few factors that I believe to be essential for personal transformation and goal attainment.

  1. Start at The End. Whenever I meet a new coaching or therapy client, I almost always start with a conversation about our final session together. That’s because I believe strongly in starting a journey with the destination in mind. Like I say to my clients, personal development is similar to traveling: you’ve got to know where you’re going before you can take any action to get there. If you haven’t decided on a destination for your trip, you won’t know which flight to book or what to pack in your suitcase. Similarly, you won’t know what to do along your journey of personal development if you haven’t clearly defined your goals. Everyone defines their best, most successful life differently. Before you start plotting the course to yours, give some thought to where you’re going and what it will look like when you get there.
  1. Establish Your Future Vision, But Be Here Now. Once you’ve created the vision for your best life, you’ll do well to shift your view from the future to the present. I’ve seen many clients get so attached to their goals and outcomes that they lose sight of what they’re doing in the moment. This causes them to get frustrated, impatient, distracted, and disconnected. The future—like the past—is a great place to visit, but it won’t serve you to live there. Once you set your goals and design the life you envision for your future, come back to the now, where life is happening, and be present to your experience in the moment. The more connected you are to your life as it’s happening, the more command you’ll have over your process, and the closer you’ll be to creating the life of your dreams.
  1. Assemble Your Audience of Accountability. You are worthy and capable of great things, and the possibilities for your best life are endless. But no matter who you are or what you’re working with, you won’t get nearly as far alone as you will with the support of others. When asked about the keys to their success, most accomplished individuals will say that they have people in their lives whom they can count on to hold them accountable and support them every step of the way. I call these people the audience of accountability. They’re the ones who will always tell you the truth. They’ll push you to be your best and won’t let you sell out or play small. If you’re up to big things in your life, make sure to surround yourself with trusted people who know about your goals and are invested in helping you achieve them. By creating your audience of accountability, you can be sure that you’ll be reminded of your commitments and held to them, which goes a long way on those days when you’re feeling less than motivated.
  1. Let Your Commitments, Not Your Emotions, Drive You. It isn’t always easy to achieve and maintain success, and setbacks are part of the process. But there’s no doubt about it: If you commit yourself to success, it will happen. You just have to remember to stay the course no matter what arises. This is especially true when it comes to your own emotions. Sometimes the journey of personal transformation will be challenging, and some days you just won’t feel up to it. On those days, it’s important that you honor your emotions, allowing yourself to feel them without being driven by them. If you make your commitments your guiding force, you’ll be able to stay focused on your goals no matter what emotions come up for you along the way.
  1. Feel Fear, But Do It Anyway. If you’re really stretching and challenging yourself in your personal growth process, there’s one emotion you’re almost guaranteed to feel: fear. When you’re doing something you’ve never done before, it’s only natural to experience some degree of it. But it’s important to recognize that fear isn’t a barrier; it’s an indicator that you’re up to something new and different. The only way to avoid fear is to stay cocooned in your comfort zone—and I promise you, no growth will happen there. One of the biggest differences between the people who achieve their goals in life and the people who don’t is that the former feel fear and take the next step anyway, while the latter back down and avoid it at all costs. If you really want to take your life to the next level, practice making fear your friend; because the truth is, as long as you’re committed to transforming yourself, you can count on it coming around.
  1. Understand That You Can’t Fail. How free would you feel if you knew that no matter what you tried, you couldn’t fail? Well, I’m happy to tell you that this is, in fact, the case. You see, success and failure are subjective interpretations that we make up to define our results. So failure is only failure if you define it that way. Sure, you won’t get the results you want 100% of the time, but that doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Whenever you make an attempt at changing or accomplishing something, pay close attention to the result. If it doesn’t go the way you wanted it to, resist your temptation to tell yourself the failure story. Instead, recognize that you’re being presented with a priceless opportunity to gather information that will support your next attempts. What we’re quick to define as failure can be the biggest contributor to our success. If you’re willing to learn from your results and recognize that it’s impossible to fail, you can be free to try anything and break down any barriers in your way.

 I hope these tips inspire you to take your life to the next level. What’s the first step you’ll take, and where are you headed?

 

 

If It Isn’t Yours, Don’t Take It

a purple flower with rain falling down on it.

You know that person at the office who’s always sick with whatever bug is going around and chooses to go to work anyway? No matter how hard you try to avoid making contact, you somehow always end up catching whatever he or she’s got. It’s unnerving, uncomfortable, and seemingly unavoidable. Unpleasant though it may be, it’s the nature of office culture and contagious illness: if someone catches something, everyone else is likely to catch it also.

But the common cold isn’t the only thing that gets spread this way. Emotions, moods, and attitudes are just as contagious. Whether it’s a negative person in the workplace or a family member who’s perpetually on edge, there’s always going to be someone whose energy can contaminate you—that is, until you learn to immunize yourself from it.

Years ago, one of my mentors shared something with me that forever changed the way I conduct therapy and relate to other people in my life. We were having a discussion about one of my clients and the particularly challenging family issue she was working through in our sessions together. Week after week, this client arrived to our sessions distraught, anxious, and desperate for things to be different. The 60 minutes we’d spend together every week—during which she’d spend most of the time complaining, and I’d spend most of the time shrinking into my chair—felt like torture for me; by the time each session ended, I’d be worked up and bent out of shape. Noticing this, my mentor said the following to me: “If you absorb the emotional energy she’s emitting, you’ll be in no position to support her. You have to keep your emotional and energetic space clear if you’re going to have a shot at helping her clear hers.” “That makes sense,” I told him. But how do I do that?” “It’s simple,” he answered. “Whenever you’re in her presence—or in the presence of anyone whose emotions are affecting you—ask yourself this question: Whose emotion is this?” Time stopped the moment I heard those words. The question struck me as so powerful, so profound in its simplicity, that I had to pause for a moment and center myself. What this question has yielded for me and the clients I’ve shared it with over the years has made all the difference in the world.

You see, human beings are wired for connection, and certain cells in our brains—known as mirror neurons—cause us to automatically react to other people’s emotions. It’s the reason we instinctively cringe when we see someone get injured; it’s why we cry when the protagonist in a film experiences something painful. We can’t help but be affected by each other; we’re contagious in this way. So it can sometimes be difficult to distinguish other people’s emotions from our own. But, thankfully, we have the ability to choose how much we want to be affected by the emotions we come in contact with in the course of our relationships with others. The more skillfully we can do this, the less susceptible we are to getting weighed down by other people’s emotional baggage.

Here are some tips for developing that skill:

  1. Practice mindfulness. The more grounded and centered you are in your own experience, the easier it will be for you to distinguish your emotions from those of other people. Practice checking in with yourself on a regular basis, noticing what you’re thinking, feeling, observing, and experiencing in the moment. The more familiar you get with what’s going on inside you, the more quickly you’ll notice when you’ve absorbed someone else’s stuff.
  1. Set clear boundaries. It’s possible to have empathy for people without burdening yourself with their emotions. This requires setting firm boundaries and maintaining a clear sense of where others end and you begin. Sometimes, of course, that’s much easier said than done. No doubt, some people will challenge your ability to keep your emotional space clear, but it’s your responsibility to keep the boundaries in place. If you notice yourself getting worked up on a phone call with a perpetually pissed off relative, it’s okay to lovingly end the call. If the coworker you have lunch with always spends the time complaining, and you find yourself returning to the office in a bad mood, it’s okay to tell her you won’t be joining her for a few days. Caring about others and being supportive doesn’t require you to take on their emotions. The clearer your boundaries are, the clearer that distinction will be.
  1. Practice the catch and release method. Sometimes it’s impossible to avoid catching emotions that didn’t originate from you. But the quicker you notice that it’s happened, the quicker you can do something about it. Whenever you see that you’ve been affected by another person’s energy/mood/vibe, inhale deeply, say to yourself, “I’ve picked up something that doesn’t belong to me,” and on the exhale, focus your attention on releasing it. The more regularly you do this, the better you’ll become at it. Before you know it, you’ll be letting other people’s emotional energy pass right through you without it getting stuck, and you’ll be in a much better position to stay in connection with them without being negatively affected.
  1. Make your emotional health a priority. When you commit to being emotionally well, you build your immunity from other people’s emotional junk. So make your wellbeing a priority. Take care of yourself, manage your stress level, keep company with people who make you feel good. The healthier you are, emotionally speaking, the less likely you’ll be to absorb other people’s emotions.

Vitamin C, rest, physical exercise, and a healthy diet will help you maintain your body’s immune system. To keep your emotional immune system healthy, mindfulness, self-care, and clear boundaries will do the trick. The next time you notice yourself picking up someone else’s emotional baggage, ask yourself “Whose emotion is this?” If the answer isn’t “Mine,” gently set it down. Because if it isn’t yours, why would you take it?

The Power of Now: Learning to Live Like You’re Dying

a person's hand reaching out towards the water.

A few nights ago I had a heart opening phone conversation with a dear friend as he spent time with his family following the death of his beloved grandmother. We spoke about death, grief, and the meaning of life. We connected and reflected, each of us sharing openly and vulnerably about our understanding of death and the meaning we make of it. At one point in the conversation, my friend asked me, “If you could find out the day you’re going to die, would you want to know?” Instinctively, I answered, “No way.” When I posed the same question to him, however, he quickly answered, “Absolutely.”  The conversation that followed made a big impact on me and inspired me to write this post.

Although my friend and I didn’t share the same view about being told when we’ll die, we did agree about something: We have a serious case of death denial. Most of us—unless we have a terminal illness and know that death is imminent—go through life without giving much thought to our mortality. And though that certainly keeps us from having to dwell in morbid territory, it also has potential to keep us from living as fully as we could be.

When you get down to it, the truth is that life is always now. What I mean is that the past is gone and the future hasn’t happened yet, so the present moment is the only place we can ever be. It’s the only time that matters. When we we take the present moment for granted, assuming there’s always tomorrow, we miss out on opportunities to live fully and freely.

The reason my friend would want to know when he’s going to die is that he believes it would help remind him to make the most of life. He put it to me this way: “You know, we say we’re afraid of death; but what we really seem to be afraid of is life!” He went on to explain that perhaps knowing how much time he had left would be an antidote to fear and an encouragement to just go for it, whatever it is, because life is short and time is precious. This was a perspective I hadn’t previously considered.

When I work with clients in therapy or coaching, I’m committed to helping them access their potential and use their inherent resources and strengths to resolve whatever challenges they’re encountering. My clients often share with me that the more they get in touch with their potential and purpose, the richer their lives become. They experience more clarity, more appreciation for their lives, and a deeper understanding of what’s important to them. Essentially, our work together supports them in breaking through everything keeping them from living life to the fullest. So when my friend said what he did about using awareness of death as a means of enriching life, I understood perfectly what he was saying—and I had to agree.

Most of us won’t find out in advance exactly when we’re going to die, but that doesn’t mean we can’t live with urgency, passion, commitment, and presence. If we abandon our death denial and choose, instead, to stay fully aware of the brevity of life, we create the potential to make each moment count. Because our time here is short, tomorrow’s never promised, and life is always NOW.

So what would happen if you replaced your death denial with death awareness? What would it inspire you to do that you haven’t been doing? What would it free you up to experience or express?

We don’t like to think about it, but it’s important that we face it: We’re all dying. Every last one of us. And we don’t know when our time will run out. Instead of resisting this realization, I say we embrace it. Because life gets much more meaningful, much more beautiful when we remember that it won’t last forever.  So today and every day, I invite you to seize the power of the present moment and live like you know you’re dying. Treat each moment as a gift, and laugh in the face of fear. All we’ve got is the dash between our date of birth and date of death; let’s make it count.

 

“So, think about this long and hard. Are there things you’d like to change? For you never know how much time is left that can still be rearranged.”

– Linda Ellis, The Dash

2017: The Year of the Level-Up

a sparkler that is sitting on a table.

I don’t know about you, but I’m thrilled to be at the start of a brand new year. Say what you will about 2016—and yes, I know there’s a lot to say about it—but there’s a great deal we can all take from it. Because no matter what kind of year you had personally or what kind of year it was in more general terms, there’s wisdom to be drawn from it. All of it—the good, the bad, and the downright horrific—can be a valuable teacher. It can offer great insight and clarity to support your journey in the year ahead of you, serving as the launching pad for new discoveries and breakthroughs. But in order to infuse your future endeavors with the wisdom of your past, you must be willing to take a brief but deliberate glance in the rearview mirror.

As the title of this post indicates, 2017 holds the promise of being a year to level up. It offers us all a chance to take our lives to the next level, using everything last year taught us as our springboard. So take this moment to reflect on your 2016 and see what stands out for you. What were the major events that most impacted you? What experiences challenged you most? What relationships were most significant for you, and how would you rate the quality of those relationships? What were your triumphs? What fears did you overcome? What held you back? What, if any, resolutions did you begin the year with, and how did you fare with accomplishing them?

With the information about your last year to support you, it’s time to set intentions for what’s to come. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you set your level-up in motion:

  • Put your intentions in writing. Whether you’re creating specific resolutions or want to start your year with a more general sense of the possibilities you’ll create, it’s a good idea to put it all in writing. When we put our thoughts down on paper, we solidify them and make them more meaningful and useful. So by writing down your intentions for the year, you’re giving yourself a tangible guide to serve your process and support your ability to turn your intentions into results. Take the time to write down what you envision for your 2017. What does your personal level-up look like? Write it down in whatever way will most inspire you. It might look like a statement of purpose, a bulleted list, a letter to yourself, or a summary of everything you’ll accomplish. However you choose to write it, just be sure to get clear, concrete, and specific. Then put what you’ve written in a place that you’ll be able to see it all year long. You’ll be amazed at how much power there is in putting your intentions on paper.
  • Focus on being as well as doing. Most of us tend to start the year with resolutions to do things more, less, better, or differently. And there’s a lot to be said for the value of doing that. But there’s a layer beneath the doing that we must address if we want to succeed: the layer of being. You see, the way you approach your intentions, resolutions, and commitments has everything to do with whether or not you’ll complete them. Let’s say, for example, that you set a resolution to “get in better shape” this year. The first step to having this happen will be to get a clear definition of what that means for you. The more concrete the goal, the more likely it is that you’ll accomplish it. So with that in mind, the original resolution becomes something like: “By June 1st, I’ll be able to wear my skinny jeans comfortably, with no love handles showing.” Now that you’ve got something specific to work toward, what’s left is putting forth the effort to have it happen. So here’s where the part about being comes in. If you’re going to make and sustain the efforts necessary to fit in those jeans, you’ll need to be a particular way. For example, you’ll likely need to be disciplined, focused, committed, energetic, consistent, creative, motivated, and self-aware. When you focus on the being underlying the doing, you ramp up your potential to successfully achieve everything you’ve committed to. And chances are, you’ll exceed your expectations and go beyond what you’ve thought possible. So when it comes time to plot your 2017 level-up, ask yourself, “How will I need to be in order to successfully do what I say I’ll do?” Then go have it happen!
  • Decide what will support you, and put it in place now. Using everything you learned last year as your guide, give some thought to what will help bolster your 2017 level-up. Who are the people you can count on to hold you accountable? What habits, routines, or resources set you up for success? Based on what worked and didn’t work last year, what do you think you can put in place now to make sure you have it all happen this year? Perhaps you’ll consider keeping a journal or using apps like Strides or LifeTick to track your progress and keep you organized. Therapy or coaching are also excellent means of keeping you on track. Whatever you decide, putting your supports in place now will help you win this year.
  • Start with the end in sight. One of the tricks to goalsetting is starting at the finish line. What this means is getting crystal clear about where you’re going in order to have a sense of how to get there. When you travel, you must first decide on a destination in order to know where to book your flight to, what to plan for, and what to pack. Similarly, you’ve got to know what the outcome of your goals will be so you know just what to do to make them happen. As you plan your 2017 level-up, take some time to envision what you want your life to look like on December 31st. Get as specific as possible, and don’t be afraid to dream big! Knowing what you want the end of this year to look like will help shape the journey from the start. You deserve to have it all, and you can! So let your vision be your guide, and plot the course for a stellar year.

Let this be the year you take your life to the next level. Let it be the year of saying yes to you and no to everything that doesn’t serve you. Take 2017 by storm, and show the world your best self. As always, I’m here to support you, guide you, and keep you company on your journey. Cheers to you, your best year, and your best life!

How Doing Nothing Changes Everything

a close up of a bowl of water with a drop of water.

If you met me 10 years ago, you probably would have thought I was pretty scattered. You’d likely have noticed my fiery temper and the hurried, anxious way I’d do things. When spending time with me, you’d quickly pick up on the fact that I was never really present with you but distracted, instead, by my racing thoughts or the items in my mental to-do list. You might have—as many people in my life at that time did—described me as being “all over the place.” You would have seen that I didn’t know what I wanted and had no idea what I was doing with my life. If you were particularly intuitive, you would have recognized that I was lost and disconnected, functioning on autopilot most of the time. You would have known that I felt insecure and unfulfilled, completely uncertain about my future.

When I write about myself 10 years ago, it’s as if I’m writing about a total stranger. I no longer recognize or resemble that disconnected woman with her head in the clouds, rushing through life with no sense of direction. It’s hard to put into words how grateful I am for finding a path to clarity—a path that altered the course of my life completely. And when I think about what it took to get from where I was then to where I am now, I can’t help but smile at the simplicity of it.

What I learned back then that guided my journey from chaos to clarity was the practice of doing nothing. The formal term for this practice is zazen, the sitting meditation practice in Zen Buddhism. Through this practice I learned how to shift from a state of doing to a state of being, stilling my mind and grounding my awareness in the here-and-now. I learned how to extend my practice to all areas of my life by focusing my attention on the present moment and being with my experience as it unfolds. This simple practice of non-doing created a radical shift in my presence and personality. It also inspired me to become a therapist who incorporates Eastern principles and traditions into my work with clients.

As a mindfulness based psychotherapist and coach, I’m committed to supporting my clients in cultivating awareness and getting grounded in the present moment, the only place where life is happening. When my clients begin to adopt simple mindfulness practices into their lives—such as allowing themselves to experience emotion or paying attention to the small changes they’re making—they quickly begin to experience their lives differently. Their relationships with themselves and others begin to transform, and they get inspired to create solutions for the problems that brought them to my office.

I’m regularly stunned by how much becomes possible through the astonishingly simple practice of being still and doing nothing. I’m amazed by how much power there is in a single conscious breath. In my work and my life, I’m committed to exploring the potential of mindful awareness and sharing what I learn with others—including you!

If you’ve ever been disconnected or dissatisfied with your life and unsure what to do about it, this practice is for you. If you’ve ever struggled to concentrate or sit still, this practice is for you. If you’ve ever felt detached from yourself and the people around you, this practice is for you. If you’ve ever thought that life is moving too quickly and you don’t know how to slow it down, this practice is for you. If you’ve ever wanted to explore your potential and the possibilities that exist for your life, this practice is for you.

The most beautiful thing about mindfulness and meditation is that you can practice anytime, anywhere—and now is as good a time to start as any! So before you close this page, give yourself the gift of a mindful moment.

Focus your eyes on a nonmoving object (not on the phone or computer screen) or allow them to gently close. Begin to shift your awareness to your breath. Focus on the sensation of breathing, perhaps finding a spot in your body where you’re most aware of the breath—it might be your nostrils, or your belly, or your chest. Breathe for a couple of moments with your attention fixed in this way. Any time a thought comes in or something around you tries to pull your focus away, gently bring yourself back to your breath. Do this for a few inhales and exhales. Then set an intention to carry this practice with you throughout your day, coming back to it—if only for a few breaths—any time you want to get centered and connected again.

If you’re eager to discover where else this practice can take you, call me for your free 20-minute consultation (305-814-4863), and let’s start exploring what’s possible!

 

How the Small Stuff Can Make the Biggest Difference: A Lesson in the Paradox of Change

a couple of purple flowers sitting on top of a green lily pad.

I’m constantly amazed by how big a difference the little things in life can make. This morning I had the opportunity to catch up with a client whom I hadn’t spoken to in some time. When he called me last week to make the appointment, there was an unmistakable urgency in his voice. Though he didn’t seem to be distressed, I’d always known him to be the cool, calm, and collected type; so I found myself wondering about the nature of his call. He arrived to our session this morning right on time and practically sprinted into my office from the waiting room with a breathless, “Hey, Dr. D!” As soon as we sat down, he launched right into his explanation for the unexpected visit.  What he shared with me left me breathless.

To give you a sense of why his words had such an impact on me, I’ll need to share a bit of the backstory. You see, this client—whom I’ll refer to as Joshua for the purposes of this blog post—grew up in a wealthy family and was supported in adulthood by a considerable trust fund. Never needing to worry about earning an income or managing financial responsibilities, he was free to create his life however he pleased. The only problem was, he had no idea what he wanted. Session after session during the time we worked together, he bounced from one idea to the next, never showing much conviction about his latest life choice. One month he’d be backpacking through Southeast Asia and the next he’d be diligently researching real estate investments; none of it brought him any satisfaction. Joshua had all but resigned to the fact that he would spend his life searching for purpose and meaning but never finding it.

During our last session together a couple of years ago, Joshua told me he was moving to California to study dolphins. He seemed excited about it, and we both held on to hope that he would feel connected to this new interest in a way that would ignite his passion and bring him joy. I didn’t hear from him again after he left—that is, until he called me up last week. As it turns out, Joshua never ended up studying dolphins. Just a couple of days after arriving in California, he met a woman at a record store who stopped him in his tracks, and the two fell madly in love with each other. They decided to open a retail store together and, to Joshua’s great surprise, it went well. A year after meeting his girlfriend, both the relationship and the business were thriving. For the first time in his life, Joshua felt a sense of fulfillment. As he described it, “I started to understand the people who are excited to start their day in the morning. It was weird for me, but I liked it.”

About a year and a half into opening their business, Joshua and his girlfriend decided they were ready for a new adventure. They hired someone to run the store, put most of their belongings in storage, loaded up a plush RV, and set out to visit every national park in the U.S. “Drunk in love,” as Joshua put it, they traveled around from state to state, marveling at the natural beauty surrounding them. During a particularly magical hike through Zion National Park, Joshua proposed to his girlfriend, and she said yes. They decided to get married next year, in a simple ceremony at a vineyard near their home.

Joshua and his girlfriend, whom I’ll refer to here as Kay, have finished their national park tour and are presently spending time with Joshua’s family. What he came to tell me was that he’s finally discovered his purpose in life. But neither the purpose itself nor the means by which he found it are anything like what he imagined they’d be. He put it to me this way: “So, I realize now that I pretty much got connected to my purpose when I met Kay and opened the business. I’ve been spending all this time thinking that because I have the funds to do it, I need to live life on this crazy scale and do things other people don’t get a chance to do. But the simple things, like being in a committed relationship with someone I love and owning a humble business, made me happier than anything ever has. I don’t know if I realized that at the time, but I totally get that now.” Joshua went on to talk about the other discoveries he’s made while reflecting on the last few years of his life. He told me about how much he enjoys having a sense of passionate commitment and how happy it makes him to imagine being a father in the near future. And then he said something that went like this:

“Dr. D, this is the big thing I realized and the reason I called you. For as long as I can remember I’ve been struggling with myself and beating myself up for not knowing what I want in life. You know how hard it’s been for me to figure out what the hell I’m doing. I was constantly comparing myself to other people and feeling like a loser. But of course they couldn’t understand me; I didn’t understand myself! So here’s the thing: Kay is the first person in my life who was totally cool with me being exactly who I am. She didn’t judge me or label me a spoiled rich kid or tell me what a flake I am. She just accepted me for who I am, and that let me finally accept who I am. It’s the craziest thing in the world to me.”

The most profound part of what Joshua had to say was that as soon as he accepted his free-spirited nature and the lack of clarity he had about his purpose, he essentially settled down, got clarity, and found that purpose. That small shift, from resistance to acceptance, changed his life.

What Joshua discovered about himself moved me deeply—not only because of the beautiful way that it transformed his life, but also because of the applicability it has to all our lives. When we are willing to turn toward the things we’re initially inclined to reject, we create the potential for transformation. This is true for our stories about ourselves—as was the case for Joshua—and it’s also true for our emotions. Paradoxically, acceptance is the prerequisite for change. Once we can acknowledge something, make contact with it, and accept it as it is, we create the space for it to become something different.

This morning’s session was a beautiful reminder that the small and subtle things in life can have the most profound impact. It’s far too easy to get caught up in our assumptions about what our lives are supposed to look like, all the while missing what’s great about the lives we already have. When we acknowledge what’s going right, we open up the possibility to shift whatever’s going wrong. By appreciating things as they are, we become capable of creating something new. This is perhaps the greatest life hack out there; and I’m thrilled that Joshua figured it out.

Accept this as my formal invitation to start noticing the small things in life—the subtle shifts, the simple moments. Allow yourself to embrace your life with a full and grateful heart, and know that by doing so, you might just be laying the foundation for remarkable change. The small stuff matters, and so do you. May you always remain open to possibilities and aware of your vast potential to create them. Peace and love, today and all days.

How To Be At Peace When Everyone Says You Shouldn’t Be

a view of clouds from an airplane.

There’s no doubt 2016 has been a crazy year. We’ve seen more tragedies, tensions, and surprises than any of us can keep track of, and the hits just keep on coming. The events of this year have had many people glued to their televisions and sucked into the social media vortex, trying to keep up with the latest information about the most current major news item. But at the rate this information—both accurate and sensationalized—is pumped out by the media, it’s impossible to keep up.

The beautiful thing about having access to as much information as we do is that we’re able to maintain a sense of awareness about what’s going on in the world. Through this awareness, we can access our ability to speak up and take action wherever appropriate. We can hold our leaders accountable and be agents of change.  But of course, there’s also a down side to having a constant stream of information accessible around the clock. If we aren’t mindful and moderate about our news consumption, we’re likely to experience negative emotions and generate certain assumptions about the world.

We don’t need to try too hard to find reasons to be discouraged and disappointed about the state of things, and we’re persistently given reasons to feel anxious and afraid. For example, just a moment ago I received an email from a local publication with the subject: “Now that the election is over, here are some local issues for you to worry about.” If we allow the emotions stoked in us by the news to dictate the way we experience the world, it’s going to shape that experience in unhelpful ways. We’re likely to look around us with suspicion and judgment, seeing things that support and confirm a pessimistic perspective about our world and its future.

There’s a popular line of reasoning in our culture that suggests a person must be fully informed about everything going on in the world in order to be a good citizen. Now, I’m not opposing that view, as it’s certainly important to have some sense of what’s going on. But if getting informed means getting anxious, angry, guarded, hopeless, or overwhelmed, that’s pretty obviously counterproductive. So how can we remain peaceful and hopeful when everyone’s suggesting that we should be anything but that? Here are just a few ideas for creating that possibility:

  • Walk the middle path. As with just about everything in life, balance is key when it comes to consuming information about current events (and related projections for the future). Stay informed only to the extent that it allows you to direct your energy and efforts toward positive change. Anything more has the potential to perpetuate the problems at hand.
  • Be peace. Even when everything around you suggests otherwise, peace is always available to you. And you are powerful enough to create it. Be intentional about finding opportunities to generate a sense of peace and stillness within, and know that by radiating that peace outward to everyone around you, you’re making an invaluable contribution to the world.
  • Be daring enough to hope. It’s a radical act to be hopeful when there’s little evidence that the future is bright. But if you want to remain peaceful and be a source of change for the future, you must hold on to hope at all costs. And once you’ve got a firm grasp, start sharing that hope with others, getting them to see what you do.
  • Trust that everything has its purpose. It’s not easy to access trust when everything seems like it’s falling apart. And within the context of a cultural climate that is generally pessimistic, it’s even harder to be trusting. But when you can find the faith that everything occurring is part of a plan—perhaps serving as a painful yet necessary step toward true progress—you will find that peace is possible.

Now, more than ever, the world needs us to stay grounded, keep our hearts open, and be instruments of peace. It’s up to all of us to create the world we want to live in and leave behind. So as the spiritual teacher Mooji so beautifully said, “Don’t remind the world that it is sick and troubled. Remind it that it is beautiful and free.”

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