What a Trip!

a wooden table topped with lots of plates and bowls.

I haven’t written in a while, but I’ve certainly had some things in mind to share; and I’m grateful to have that opportunity now. As some of you know, I spent a couple of weeks away this month on a visit to Morocco and Spain. It was my first time in Morocco, and though it was a wedding in Marrakech that brought me there, I got a chance to experience a few other parts of the country and enjoy some of the many riches it has to offer. I had few expectations going into the trip; and I’m glad for that, because nothing could have prepared me for the journey it turned out to be. While I was there, and since coming home, I’ve done a lot of reflecting on what I experienced and what all of it had to teach me.

From the moment my flight touched down in Marrakech, I was overcome by the energy of this new place. My senses were overloaded, and it took effort to stay centered. There was so much to take in, so many things around me demanding my attention, something unexpected at every turn. I felt completely scattered, yet totally present. Time flew by while somehow seeming to drag on forever. It was a dizzying experience that, oddly enough, led me to feel more grounded than ever.

Getting immersed in a new place requires a certain degree of surrender, a releasing of patterned ways of thinking and being. But the truth is, we don’t need to stamp our passports to get this experience. We always have this choice—to let go of what isn’t serving us and live into new possibilities; to shed old skin and grow into something new. For me, this trip was a humbling reminder of how much there is in this world, this Life, to be discovered. When we allow ourselves to move outside our context, our culture, our comfort zones, our customary ways of being in the world, we get rewarded and expanded. We move a little closer to the essence of Life, catching a glimpse of its vastness through the small pieces of it we get to savor. It’s a choice we get to make every day—stay small, or expand; close ourselves off, or open ourselves up with curiosity. Remembering that we have this choice isn’t always easy, and sometimes we have to shake things up to realize it again. But when we do, we get to grow.

One of the biggest treasures of this experience was the sense of connection I felt with the people I met in Morocco. Through the brief but significant encounters I had with them, I got reminded of how transcendent human connection can be. We have the ability to communicate with people in powerful ways that go far beyond the words we speak. This awareness came most penetratingly to me through an encounter with a practical stranger that I doubt I’ll ever forget. We didn’t share a language—save for a few words of Arabic and English that both of us could understand—but, in our brief exchange, I experienced trust, understanding, acceptance, forgiveness, and love. We connected and communicated in a way that transcended language, culture, or any other seeming differences between us. It served as a reminder and affirmation that true connection isn’t about the surface stuff. It’s about presence, awareness, attunement, patience, and a mutual willingness to understand. To really connect, we’ve got to slow down and pay attention. We’ve got to hold ourselves in the space to give and receive. Our connections with each other open us up to new worlds; they reveal new insights and understandings; they help us resolve our differences and discover our sameness; they affirm that we’re all having this curious and wondrous human experience together.

For me, this trip was a teacher. It humbled me, expanded me, and got me present to some things I believe wholeheartedly—that new experience is a transformative tool, and human connections are powerful medicine. After two weeks of traveling, I was eager to return home; but I promised myself that I’d hold on to all the lessons I learned while I was away. And now I get to share them with you. Thank you for being the space to receive them. I hope they resonate with a part of you and, in some way, contribute to your own beautiful journey.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark

the milky above a tree in the night sky.

Most people, if you ask them, will tell you they aren’t afraid of the dark. And since they probably don’t need night lights to help them feel safe in their beds, they’re telling you the truth. But there’s another kind of darkness that even the bravest adults tend to fear. It’s the darkness that life inevitably delivers. The kind that sets in when we fall on hard times; when the unexpected happens; when our faith is tested; when our hearts break. That kind of darkness can bring even the strongest among us to our knees. So, of course, most of us are inclined to fear it.

But the truth is, no matter how afraid we might be of it, the darkness is guaranteed to come. It’s not only unavoidable in life, it’s necessary—for without it, we could never understand or appreciate the light. As the Tao Te Ching—the ancient Chinese text attributed to Lao Tzu—explains, everything in nature and in life exists in pairs of opposites. Day cannot exist without night; good has no meaning without an understanding of bad; there can be no light if there is no darkness.

It’s perfectly natural to prefer the upside of things and to like it better when everything’s going well. And while it’s also understandable to fear things going wrong, it isn’t necessary to go through life carrying around that kind of fear. First of all, because no matter how much we don’t want it, unfortunate things are bound to happen. That’s the way life goes. Secondly, and more importantly, because it’s in our times of darkness that we’re most likely to learn, to grow, to become more resilient, to gain appreciation and gratitude. Think about it: How much could you possibly learn from life if you were never challenged? How could you gain strength if you were never given a reason to be strong? How could you ever appreciate the good times if that’s all there’s ever been? It’s through the challenges, through the times we spend in darkness, that our resilience is fortified.

Many of the clients I work with seek therapy to address issues pertaining to fear and anxiety. They tell me about their worries and share with me how overwhelmed they feel when thinking about the possibilities that exist for terrible things to happen. Of course, this all makes perfect sense to me, and I let them know so. But once I’ve validated their concerns, I start getting curious about some of the challenges they’ve been through in the past. Most of these clients are able to recall times in their lives when things went terribly wrong. They tell me stories of loss, struggle, and intense emotional pain. They’re able to remember how dark it felt when they were going through those past experiences, and they’re also able to acknowledge that eventually, the darkness passed. The night turned into day again. In remembering that they were able to overcome difficult circumstances and dark times—in most cases, emerging from them wiser, stronger, and more resilient—they’re able to recognize that they can do this again. They come to see that no matter what happens or how dark it gets, it doesn’t last forever; and if they can have the fortitude to get through it, they’ll be better on the other side.

I like to say that our dark times are our greatest teachers. When things are going well, we aren’t available to learn; we’re too busy enjoying ourselves. So instead of being afraid of the dark, what if we embrace it? What if we allow ourselves to live life on life’s terms and accept the inescapability of the dark/light dynamic?

If you’ve been living with fear, I invite you to explore how you might allow yourself to start flowing with life and trusting that all things pass. And if this finds you in a time of darkness, remember that it won’t last forever. Soon—maybe sooner than you know it—there will be light.

 

Why Children Make Great Role Models

a young boy holding the hand of an older man.

A role model is someone we admire and wish to emulate—someone after whom we want to model our lives in some way. When we choose our role models, we tend to choose people who are older than us or have more life experience. We look to people like our parents; our bosses; or people deemed successful by society’s standards, like world leaders, entrepreneurs, celebrities, or famous athletes. But who says role models have to be people we look up to? What if we could look down, literally speaking, to find some of the best examples for how to live?

The way I see it, children make some of the best role models. Here’s why:

1) They’re unfiltered. Children tend to say exactly what’s on their mind (sometimes to their parents’ great embarrassment). They don’t tend to second-guess themselves or augment what they want to say in order to please others. This kind of unbridled honesty is something we can learn from. When was the last time you bit your tongue and chose to stay silent about something when you wanted to speak up? How often do you find yourself choosing your words so carefully that what you end up saying hardly resembles what you mean? As adults we regularly hold back or manipulate our words in order to satisfy other people, evade conflict, or avoid rejection. We censor ourselves, only to end up suffering the pitfalls of not speaking our truth. Children can teach us a lot about saying what we mean.

2) They’re naturally mindful. Because most experiences are new to children, they tend to approach them with what Zen Buddhists call shoshin, or “beginner’s mind.” They have a natural ability to be fully present in the here-and-now, experiencing everything through their five senses in a state of unadulterated awareness. When you think about how much we struggle to remain grounded in the present moment without getting distracted by the flood of thoughts pulling us into the past or future, it’s easy to see how much we can learn from children on this front. Children can teach us a lot about being present. 

3) They understand the value of play. We’re so consumed by our commitments and responsibilities that many of us forget how to have fun. Most adults in Western society consider leisure a luxury; it ranks low on their list of priorities, if it appears there at all. But the role of play doesn’t need to be diminished as a consequence of getting older. In fact, it’s just as important for adults as it is for children. Engaging in fun, playful activities is a great way to relieve stress, improve brain functioning, fortify relationships, and boost creativity. Since children are the experts at play, who better to look to as models for how to do more of it in our own lives? Children can teach us a lot about having fun.

4) They don’t have to work at being authentic. Before children start internalizing society’s messages about who they’re supposed to be and how they’re supposed to act, they express themselves naturally and without pretense. Unless others teach them how to do it, they don’t criticize themselves or put up a front. Their original nature is to be purely, authentically themselves. And that’s our original nature too. But an adult lifetime’s worth of internalizing messages about who we should be tends to limit us from being who we are. Allow the children in your life to serve as a reminder that you don’t have to be who others want you to be—being you is wonderfully enough. Children can teach us a lot about being ourselves.

5) They ask for help when they need it. Our society prizes independence and self-sufficiency. We’re pressured to have it all together all the time; so when we don’t, we often feel like we’ve failed. Admitting that we need help can feel like a form of weakness, so we try everything in our power to avoid doing it. We wear ourselves out and go through unnecessary suffering to avoid uttering the words, “I need help.” Children are supposed to be dependent. They’re not supposed to have all the answers, and nobody expects them to do everything on their own. When they need help, they don’t hesitate to ask for it. Neither should you. Children can teach us a lot about asking for help.

When we are open to learning from them, children can serve as remarkable teachers. They can remind us of who we once were and who we can be again. They can be our greatest role models, if only we let them.

“While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.” – Angela Schwindt