Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark

the milky above a tree in the night sky.

Most people, if you ask them, will tell you they aren’t afraid of the dark. And since they probably don’t need night lights to help them feel safe in their beds, they’re telling you the truth. But there’s another kind of darkness that even the bravest adults tend to fear. It’s the darkness that life inevitably delivers. The kind that sets in when we fall on hard times; when the unexpected happens; when our faith is tested; when our hearts break. That kind of darkness can bring even the strongest among us to our knees. So, of course, most of us are inclined to fear it.

But the truth is, no matter how afraid we might be of it, the darkness is guaranteed to come. It’s not only unavoidable in life, it’s necessary—for without it, we could never understand or appreciate the light. As the Tao Te Ching—the ancient Chinese text attributed to Lao Tzu—explains, everything in nature and in life exists in pairs of opposites. Day cannot exist without night; good has no meaning without an understanding of bad; there can be no light if there is no darkness.

It’s perfectly natural to prefer the upside of things and to like it better when everything’s going well. And while it’s also understandable to fear things going wrong, it isn’t necessary to go through life carrying around that kind of fear. First of all, because no matter how much we don’t want it, unfortunate things are bound to happen. That’s the way life goes. Secondly, and more importantly, because it’s in our times of darkness that we’re most likely to learn, to grow, to become more resilient, to gain appreciation and gratitude. Think about it: How much could you possibly learn from life if you were never challenged? How could you gain strength if you were never given a reason to be strong? How could you ever appreciate the good times if that’s all there’s ever been? It’s through the challenges, through the times we spend in darkness, that our resilience is fortified.

Many of the clients I work with seek therapy to address issues pertaining to fear and anxiety. They tell me about their worries and share with me how overwhelmed they feel when thinking about the possibilities that exist for terrible things to happen. Of course, this all makes perfect sense to me, and I let them know so. But once I’ve validated their concerns, I start getting curious about some of the challenges they’ve been through in the past. Most of these clients are able to recall times in their lives when things went terribly wrong. They tell me stories of loss, struggle, and intense emotional pain. They’re able to remember how dark it felt when they were going through those past experiences, and they’re also able to acknowledge that eventually, the darkness passed. The night turned into day again. In remembering that they were able to overcome difficult circumstances and dark times—in most cases, emerging from them wiser, stronger, and more resilient—they’re able to recognize that they can do this again. They come to see that no matter what happens or how dark it gets, it doesn’t last forever; and if they can have the fortitude to get through it, they’ll be better on the other side.

I like to say that our dark times are our greatest teachers. When things are going well, we aren’t available to learn; we’re too busy enjoying ourselves. So instead of being afraid of the dark, what if we embrace it? What if we allow ourselves to live life on life’s terms and accept the inescapability of the dark/light dynamic?

If you’ve been living with fear, I invite you to explore how you might allow yourself to start flowing with life and trusting that all things pass. And if this finds you in a time of darkness, remember that it won’t last forever. Soon—maybe sooner than you know it—there will be light.

 

Calling Bull***t On Your Beliefs

The woman rummaging through clothes next to me at the department store is a judgmental snob. The family that lives next door to me, whose conversations I can sometimes overhear, is totally dysfunctional.  Some of my friends have completely childish and immature ways of dealing with life. My boss is too demanding; she doesn’t appreciate anything I do.

People are out to get to me.

The future is uncertain.

The world is a terrifying place.

Aside from the particularities, does any of what you just read sound familiar? I would bet that, to some degree, it does. And the reason I’m willing to bet so is because if you’re reading this, you have a human brain, and the human brain is—among many things—a judging instrument. It takes in information from the outside world and makes assessments. It generates assumptions and creates distinctions, which is what helps determine what each of us thinks, feels, and does in response to the world around us. This is generally a good thing. If not for our brain’s capacity to process information, we’d have no way of making sense of anything or making our way through the world.

But here’s the tricky part: Our brains don’t process things in a neutral way. What we perceive and interpret depends on the beliefs we have in place. You know the expression “Seeing is believing”? Well, it’s really a lot more like “Believing is seeing.” Whatever we believe about ourselves, other people, the world, and life in general shapes what we see. And it gets trickier. According to the psychological principle of confirmation bias, we are skewed to notice things that confirm our beliefs and ignore things that contradict them.

Have I lost you? Maybe an example would help. If I believe that all people are rude and unkind, my brain is primed to find examples of this in the world around me. So when I go to the grocery store, I’m going to notice people behaving in rude and unkind ways. If there’s someone acting in a way that contradicts this belief—demonstrating generosity or friendliness, for example—I’m not likely to notice it. Our beliefs have a powerful filtering effect. They assign meaning to everything we encounter and, thus, play a big role in determining how we experience life.

It’s easy for us to fall into the delusion that everything we think is real and true, because our thoughts are always entering our minds and distracting us. In essence, they make up the soundtrack of our lives. There’s a ceaseless stream of chitter chatter carrying on throughout our waking moments, and if we aren’t careful, we can get swept under by it. Once that’s happened, we have difficulty seeing things clearly. We lose perspective.

There’s a powerful quote attributed to the late, great writer Anais Nin that goes like this: “We do not see things as they are; we see them as we are.” With those words she perfectly summed up the way beliefs work: They influence us to see the world in particular ways. We become convinced that the way we see it is the only way to see it, and because of that, we set ourselves up for unnecessary suffering.

Since our beliefs play such an important role in shaping our reality, it helps for us to be mindful of what we’re going around believing. And, more importantly, it’s a good idea to hold those beliefs up to the light, so to speak, and question how much they’re serving us. One way that I’ve seen this manifest particularly powerfully is with a common belief of unworthiness that has plagued many of my clients throughout their lives. Each of their beliefs about this looks a little different, but the basic idea is, “I am only worthy if I’m ­_______ enough.” That blank can be filled in with anything from thin to powerful to wealthy to approved of by others, and the list goes on. Until that core belief is addressed, it negatively impacts my clients’ lives, limiting their potential and hampering their ability to live as they desire. As I mentioned before, our beliefs are the birthplace of our thoughts, feelings, and actions; whatever we believe will influence what we perceive, which will ultimately determine how we experience and respond to the situations that arise in our lives. If we want to change our experience in the world—if we want to change the world, period—we must begin by exploring and challenging our own beliefs.

The reason I titled this post “Calling Bull***t On Your Beliefs” is because one of the cornerstones of personal growth and transformation is a willingness to question and replace irrational, unhelpful beliefs. Most of the beliefs we carry around have been in place for most of our lives; we formed them in early childhood based on the things we were taught and picked up on from scanning our environment and observing our most significant attachment figures. We came about our beliefs honestly, and at one time, we relied on them to give our lives a sense of order and predictability. But our beliefs can become a source of suffering if we don’t keep them in check.

Please understand that I’m not saying all beliefs are unhelpful and invalid. Believing that touching a hot stove will burn you is a perfectly rational and adaptive belief. There’s evidence to support it, and holding on to it will help keep you safe. But other beliefs—like “I’m unlovable” or “People can’t be trusted”—serve a far less adaptive purpose. It’s those beliefs—the ones that trigger unhelpful thoughts, unpleasant emotions, and undesirable actions—that require some challenging. If you can call bull***t on beliefs like those, you’ll significantly improve the way you feel about yourself, other people, the future, and the world at large.

The best way to start questioning and discarding unhelpful beliefs is to recognize when you’ve gotten caught up in a stream of negative thoughts. If you’re paying close enough attention, you’ll be able to identify the thoughts that are stemming directly from irrational beliefs. Once you’ve recognized the belief-based thought (e.g., “Everyone rejects me;” “I’m stupid;” “Things are never going to get better;” “The world is a scary place”), ask yourself the following questions:

  1. What is the evidence to support that this is true?
  2. Have I ever experienced anything at all that would suggest it isn’t true?
  3. How does it help me to continue believing this?
  4. How does it harm me to continue believing this?
  5. Who would I be if I no longer held on to this belief?
  6. If I were to let go of this belief, if only for right now, what might become possible?

Do you want to live a freer, more content life? Do you want to experience more self-esteem and a greater sense of connection to the people around you? Why not start now? Stop believing the bull***t. Question everything. Release your certainties. Shake off the shackles of your self-limiting beliefs, and watch yourself, your world, your life transform before your very eyes.

I Can Do Nothing For You

a person holding a bunch of leaves in their hands.

In one of the first classes I took as a graduate student, the professor began her first lecture by saying something along the lines of, “So, you want to be a therapist? Well, let’s start with some ground rules. Rule number one: Never help anyone.” I was flabbergasted. Dumbfounded. For a moment I thought I’d sat down in the wrong class. I wondered how a professor could give such an incomprehensible instruction to a group of students who, by and large, chose their career path so they could help and serve others. I started to rethink everything that influenced my decision to become a therapist.

That professor never directly explained what she meant by her shocking introductory message. Instead, she assured us that through the course of our experiences as students, interns, and professionals, we would come to learn exactly what she was talking about. I’ll admit that it took me some time to understand the meaning behind her injunction to “never help anyone.” During the first couple years of my career, I exhausted myself with efforts to help my clients. I put all my energy into trying to motivate them, heal them, free them from their unfortunate circumstances, inspire them to change. In many cases, I worked harder than my clients at making a difference in their lives, only to find myself disappointed and depleted when things didn’t go according to my plan. I can’t recall the specific moment when my professor’s teaching became clear to me, but once it did, it revolutionized my work and inspired me to pass the wisdom on to others.

What I came to understand is that if I was to truly be of service to my clients, I had to transform my understanding of what it meant to “help” them. All along I had been working from the premise that helping others means doing things for them, taking action on their behalf, grabbing the reins and steering their lives in a particular direction. The truth is, I acted from this definition of help not only in my relationships with clients, but in my relationships with everyone. I always saw myself as a giving and helping person, and I regularly went out of my way to be there for the people in my life, even when it meant inconveniencing myself or taking on more than I could handle.

What I finally realized is that my professor wasn’t telling us to be unavailable for our clients. She wasn’t commanding us to be unhelpful. Instead, she was nudging us toward the understanding that to truly be of service to others, we have to position ourselves in a very particular way. In essence, we have to help them by empowering them to help themselves. That brilliant professor wanted her students to understand that the best thing therapists can do for their clients is keep them company on their journey toward solving their own problems, finding their own way. And now that I understand that, I want everyone I know to understand it as well.

There’s a quote from psychologist, author, and spiritual teacher Ram Dass that I’m totally crazy about. It goes: “I can do nothing for you but work on myself. You can do nothing for me but work on yourself.” The wisdom in that quote is the same wisdom imparted on me by my professor. You see, if you are to be of service to anyone in this world, your primary task is to be stable, centered, and well. It is only when you are well that you can help others be well. Think about it this way: When flight attendants give the safety instructions just before takeoff they remind you that in the case of an emergency, when the oxygen masks drop down, you must put yours on first before helping anyone else with theirs. The logic of this is very simple: If you run out of air, you’ll be in no position to assist anyone around you. Helping others, in that case, won’t be very much help at all. And so it is in every aspect of our lives. If we want to be helpful, we must first be well.

When my professor told us to “never help anyone,” she wasn’t telling us to be unkind. And I’m not telling you to be unkind either. Instead, I’m telling you that the greatest gift you can give to anyone in this world is to be the best version of yourself. First, because your doing so is likely to inspire other people, motivating them to work on themselves. Second, because it is only when you are centered and attending to your own needs that you have the capacity to be available to others. And finally, because helping others doesn’t mean taking over for them; it means being a source of support—someone they can lean on when they need it. If they’re going to lean on you, you’ve got to be sturdy. Your foundation has got to be solid.

Once I was able to shift my way of helping others, I never again felt the fatigue or resentment I was once so susceptible to experiencing. Instead, I felt a vitality that was invigorating for me and inspiring for the people around me. When I started to focus on stabilizing and centering myself, my capacity to support others expanded; at last, I became helpful in the truest sense.

I invite you to begin your own journey of rethinking what it means to be helpful, and I welcome you to consider that the best way to give to others is to first give to yourself.

 

Don’t Take Anything Personally

two seagulls are flying in the sky together.

In just a few days, I’ll have the distinct pleasure of hearing one of my favorite authors speak in an intimate setting. For me, this is the equivalent of going to a sold-out rock concert or the premier of a blockbuster movie. It’s a really big deal. The author I’m referring to, don Miguel Ruiz, is best known for sharing transformational insights from the ancient Toltec tradition. The most famous of his books, The Four Agreements, is an international bestseller. The wisdom contained within it is, at once, approachable and profound. It has changed many lives—including my own.

As the title of the book suggests, The Four Agreements describes four contracts we can make with ourselves to become free from the many self-limiting beliefs we’ve been conditioned to hold on to, which cause much of our suffering. While all of the agreements in the book have the potential to radically change the way we view ourselves, others, and life in general, there’s one in particular that’s been on my mind quite a bit lately. It’s the second agreement: Don’t Take Things Personally.

When I first read The Four Agreements, I was struck by the simple language Ruiz uses to describe a life-changing concept. Here’s a particularly compelling excerpt from that section in the book:

“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.”

Wow! Pretty powerful stuff, isn’t it?

I was deeply moved upon first reading these words, and I continue to be struck by their significance today. The many years I’ve spent working with all kinds of people in therapy have shown me that everyone has, at one time or another, been wounded by the opinions, words, and actions of other people. Their interactions with other others have resulted in pain and rejection, and many of them have become fearful as a result. They shut down, avoid intimacy, lash out, or become consumed by thoughts about how other people feel about them. Every one of us has some experience with taking things personally and experiencing real pain as a result. So Ruiz’s declaration that we can free ourselves of these binds is remarkably good news.

The Toltec wisdom contained in the second agreement has been around for centuries, and many famous philosophers and psychologists have written about it and developed theories based on its central premise. In truth, we are all living our own personal realities, which are shaped by our thoughts, emotions, beliefs, culture, mood, upbringing, and experiences. We go through the world as if we are the producer, director, screenwriter, and star of our own personal movie, and we expect everyone we encounter—the other actors, bit players, and extras—to know their lines. When they don’t follow the script, we suffer. But, you see, everyone else in the world is living their own movie. Everyone else is living their own reality—or, as don Miguel Ruiz would put it, their own dream. They don’t know their lines in the script for our movie, just as we don’t know our lines in theirs. When we take this personally, we suffer unnecessarily, because it was never about us to begin with.

In the section of The Four Agreements about not taking things personally, Ruiz goes on to say:

“As you make a habit of not taking anything personally, you won’t need to place your trust in what others do or say. You will only need to trust yourself to make responsible choices. You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you. When you truly understand this, and refuse to take things personally, you can hardly be hurt by the careless comments or actions of others.”

These are words we can all begin to live by, and benefit tremendously from doing so. They can help us to understand a very important truth: that everything we think, say, and do is not a reflection of reality, but a reflection of ourselves. Therefore, it’s also true that everything other people think, say, and do is not a reflection of us, but a reflection of themselves. This shift in understanding creates the potential for a much freer existence fraught with far less suffering.

I can’t wait to have the invaluable opportunity to sit in don Miguel Ruiz’s presence as he imparts more wisdom that I can adopt in my own life and share with my clients and readers. If you’re interested in reading more about the second agreement and getting familiar with the other three agreements outlined in the book, I highly recommend that you get a copy of The Four Agreements. It’s an easy read, a true page turner! And, for those of you in South Florida who are interested in joining me to hear Ruiz speak along with his son, don Miguel Ruiz, Jr., check out the information below and click the link to purchase your ticket.

Until next time!

 

 

To Love With the Freedom of Life: An Evening of Toltec Wisdom

don Miguel Ruiz Sr. & don Miguel Ruiz Jr.

Friday, May 6th at 6:00 p.m.

Unity on The Bay – Miami, FL

https://tickets.brightstarevents.com/event/ruin-unity-on-the-bay

 

Why Children Make Great Role Models

a young boy holding the hand of an older man.

A role model is someone we admire and wish to emulate—someone after whom we want to model our lives in some way. When we choose our role models, we tend to choose people who are older than us or have more life experience. We look to people like our parents; our bosses; or people deemed successful by society’s standards, like world leaders, entrepreneurs, celebrities, or famous athletes. But who says role models have to be people we look up to? What if we could look down, literally speaking, to find some of the best examples for how to live?

The way I see it, children make some of the best role models. Here’s why:

1) They’re unfiltered. Children tend to say exactly what’s on their mind (sometimes to their parents’ great embarrassment). They don’t tend to second-guess themselves or augment what they want to say in order to please others. This kind of unbridled honesty is something we can learn from. When was the last time you bit your tongue and chose to stay silent about something when you wanted to speak up? How often do you find yourself choosing your words so carefully that what you end up saying hardly resembles what you mean? As adults we regularly hold back or manipulate our words in order to satisfy other people, evade conflict, or avoid rejection. We censor ourselves, only to end up suffering the pitfalls of not speaking our truth. Children can teach us a lot about saying what we mean.

2) They’re naturally mindful. Because most experiences are new to children, they tend to approach them with what Zen Buddhists call shoshin, or “beginner’s mind.” They have a natural ability to be fully present in the here-and-now, experiencing everything through their five senses in a state of unadulterated awareness. When you think about how much we struggle to remain grounded in the present moment without getting distracted by the flood of thoughts pulling us into the past or future, it’s easy to see how much we can learn from children on this front. Children can teach us a lot about being present. 

3) They understand the value of play. We’re so consumed by our commitments and responsibilities that many of us forget how to have fun. Most adults in Western society consider leisure a luxury; it ranks low on their list of priorities, if it appears there at all. But the role of play doesn’t need to be diminished as a consequence of getting older. In fact, it’s just as important for adults as it is for children. Engaging in fun, playful activities is a great way to relieve stress, improve brain functioning, fortify relationships, and boost creativity. Since children are the experts at play, who better to look to as models for how to do more of it in our own lives? Children can teach us a lot about having fun.

4) They don’t have to work at being authentic. Before children start internalizing society’s messages about who they’re supposed to be and how they’re supposed to act, they express themselves naturally and without pretense. Unless others teach them how to do it, they don’t criticize themselves or put up a front. Their original nature is to be purely, authentically themselves. And that’s our original nature too. But an adult lifetime’s worth of internalizing messages about who we should be tends to limit us from being who we are. Allow the children in your life to serve as a reminder that you don’t have to be who others want you to be—being you is wonderfully enough. Children can teach us a lot about being ourselves.

5) They ask for help when they need it. Our society prizes independence and self-sufficiency. We’re pressured to have it all together all the time; so when we don’t, we often feel like we’ve failed. Admitting that we need help can feel like a form of weakness, so we try everything in our power to avoid doing it. We wear ourselves out and go through unnecessary suffering to avoid uttering the words, “I need help.” Children are supposed to be dependent. They’re not supposed to have all the answers, and nobody expects them to do everything on their own. When they need help, they don’t hesitate to ask for it. Neither should you. Children can teach us a lot about asking for help.

When we are open to learning from them, children can serve as remarkable teachers. They can remind us of who we once were and who we can be again. They can be our greatest role models, if only we let them.

“While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.” – Angela Schwindt

Making Friends With Fear

a boat floating on top of a lake at night.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

This week’s post begins with a confession. When I first sat down to write this, I wound up spending a good amount of time staring at the blank word processor page in front of me, struggling to come up with a way to start this post. Something told me I needed to write about fear, but I wasn’t sure why, and I wasn’t sure how. Not feeling particularly inspired, I temporarily gave up. I toggled over to my web browser and decided to scroll through Facebook for a bit. In less than 30 seconds’ time, I was inundated with news headlines announcing another suicide bombing, this time in Lahore; videos featuring political mudslinging, with countless incendiary comments underneath; invitations to join groups taking action against threats to our natural environment; and more than a couple status updates reflecting negative views of the world and pessimistic thoughts about the future. After stepping away from the computer for a while to center myself and gather my thoughts, I came back to say this:

We have every reason to be afraid.  

I don’t mean to be discouraging or dramatic; I’m merely pointing out the undeniable reality of what it means to live in the world today. Everywhere we turn we’re flooded with news that calls into question our safety and security. Naturally, this evokes fear—the kind of fear that has the potential to overwhelm us and steal our peace.

On some level, all of us are affected by the current climate of fear, and without realizing it, we’re likely participating in perpetuating it. That’s because fear spreads and expands in the form of a giant feedback loop: Individuals experience fear and act with the intention to defend themselves against whatever caused that fear; these actions produce fear in other people, which leads them to react defensively; those actions spur more fear and more defensive reactions; and on, and on, and on we go.

The cycle of fear that we’re currently living in is facilitated by the technology that gives us instant access to information, and the media that delivers the information to us in particular ways. While it’s good to know what’s happening in the world, staying informed has a downside: It’s hard to avoid becoming fearful, anxious, or even paranoid when we’re constantly besieged by reasons to feel afraid. But we have a choice. We don’t have to keep participating in the cycle of fear.

How do we break the cycle of fear?

To understand how to break the cycle, we must first understand the nature of fear. The truth is, fear is an evolutionarily adaptive mechanism that keeps us alive. It’s an emotion designed to allow living beings to react to anything that threatens their survival. In the most simplistic sense, it works like this: When something in your environment provokes fear, your brain and body rev up to prepare you to respond by fighting, fleeing, or freezing.

While the fear response system is designed to help us survive, it’s not without its drawbacks—the biggest being that we experience fear and act to defend ourselves even when our survival isn’t being threatened. Just anticipating that something might threaten us is enough to make us fearful and reactive. It’s important to know this if we want to learn how to do fear differently.

When it comes to fear, what we need to determine is not how we can avoid feeling it, but rather how we can learn to develop a healthy relationship with it. As challenging as this may be, it creates the potential for a much more peaceful, much less reactionary existence.

So what does a healthy relationship with fear look like?

In my view, it’s a relationship that’s characterized by three fundamental qualities: Curiosity, Compassion, and Courage.

Curiosity – When we are overwhelmed by fear and anxiety, our minds seek certainty in an attempt to stabilize and feel safe again. Since what we tend to fear are things that are unfamiliar or unknown to us, our initial instinct may be to recoil or shut down. But it doesn’t have to be this way. We are capable of responding differently to the things—or people—that stoke our fear. Instead of allowing the emotion to repel us from that which makes us afraid, we have the choice to get curious about it instead. You see, curiosity is an incredible antidote to fear. When we are curious, we enter a childlike state of wonderment. We open ourselves up to discovering something new, allowing ourselves to be inquisitive and exploratory. When we learn to respond to our fearful instincts by soothing ourselves with curiosity, we loosen fear’s grip on us.

Compassion – As I mentioned earlier, humans have built-in mechanisms that prepare our bodies to fight (or freeze, or flee) when something threatens our survival. Thankfully, we don’t have too many immediate threats to our survival these days; but even feeling threatened is enough to make us act defensively. As our fight-or-flight mechanism starts pumping adrenaline through our system, we might find that other emotions—like annoyance, anger, disgust, aggressiveness, or contempt—start to make an appearance. In no time, our fear can become rage. The implications of this can be devastating—many of our current news headlines are proof of this. But once again, we have options. We don’t have to relate to fear this way. We can learn to respond to the things we fear with a sense of compassion. Of course, this isn’t easy. It takes effort and practice. But when we can extend compassionate kindness to the things we fear, aiming to accept them as they are, we make it possible for the fear to dissipate. Building a compassionate relationship with fear also means extending compassion toward ourselves whenever we feel fearful. There’s no denying that life can be scary, and fear is a natural human response. It’s important that we allow ourselves to feel the emotion of fear without becoming overwhelmed by it or judging ourselves for feeling it.

Courage – Something beautiful happens when instead of turning away from the things that make us fearful, we begin to move toward them instead. But this is no easy feat. It takes remarkable courage. Many people believe that to have courage means to live without fear; but that isn’t the case. Living courageously means acknowledging that the fear is there, taking a breath, and moving forward anyway. The world can be a terrifying place, and there’s no doubt we live in uncertain times. But we don’t have to be consumed by terror. We don’t have to close ourselves off from the things we are uncertain about. We can, as Eleanor Roosevelt said, learn to look fear in the face. And when we do, we will surely find that beautiful things start to happen.

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.”– Jack Canfield

When Hanging In There Hurts

a hot air balloon floating over the water at night.

If there’s one thing we can count on in this world, it’s change. However hard we may try to keep things consistent, we can’t contend with the fundamental nature of life, which is to remain in a perpetual state of transition and transformation. It’s easy for us to embrace this reality when the changes are favorable. We love seeing the clock strike 5:00 on Friday. We get really excited about getting stronger, losing weight, earning fancier titles, and making more money. We celebrate births, graduations, and all manner of new beginnings. But when it comes to the difficult periods of transition, we tend to be much less willing to lean in to the change.

There’s a certain expression in our culture that people often use when someone’s going through a painful or difficult time of transition: “Hang in there.” It’s a way of saying, “I know this isn’t easy, but don’t give up. This will end eventually.” The expression conveys empathy and compassion; it’s intended to be comforting. But what if those words aren’t enough to sooth something that feels unmanageable or overwhelming? What do you do when hanging on starts to hurt?

1) Breathe and meditate. Breathe with intention and practice centering your mind on the present moment. When going through dark times, it can be easy to get carried away and create catastrophic stories about what the future will hold. It will serve you to develop a practice of anchoring your attention back in the present moment whenever your mind begins to wander. Continue to remind yourself that you will get through this—one moment, one breath at a time.

2) Take care of yourself. Manage your stress and find ways to unwind and decompress. Maintain a balanced and consistent routine as much as you can. Attend to your food, exercise, and sleep habits. It’s easy to neglect your needs and break routines when times are tough. But you’ve got to be well to manage your challenges, get through the tough stuff, and overcome the obstacles in your way.

3) Recall other difficult episodes that you’ve gotten through. Remind yourself that there was another time in your life when you felt confused, afraid, uncertain, or desperate for things to get better. Remember that things eventually changed, and you stopped feeling as awful as you once did. This, too, shall pass.

4) Call on your faith and courage. Whatever spiritual or religions convictions you might have, this is the time to lean on them. Trust that no matter how difficult your present circumstances may be, they are molding you into a stronger, wiser more understanding version of yourself. Access your inner courage and fortitude, and know that you will get to the other side of this, whatever it is.

No matter what you’re going through or how painful it may be, it won’t last forever. Nothing does. Keep these tips in mind and know that you can make it through anything that comes your way.

Inside Out: A Lesson on Emotions

For quite some time now I’ve been wanting to write a post about the critically acclaimed, award-winning Disney Pixar film Inside Out. If you haven’t yet seen it, I highly recommend that you add it to the top of your must-watch list. Though deceptive in its animated format, the film offers a brilliant exploration of human thoughts and emotions that is relevant to people of all ages. I’ve shared it with numerous clients, all of whom have found deep significance in its core message.
When I came across an article on mindful.org, about the five things Inside Out teaches us about emotions, I couldn’t wait to share it with you. The article captures the essence of the film, highlighting the important lessons it teaches us about what it means to be an emotional being. It grounds the film’s central premise in a mindfulness context, reminding us of what we can draw from it to enrich our emotional lives. Check out the article here, and share your thoughts with me. Did you see the film? What did you take away from it?

Fundamental Factors of Successful Recovery from Addiction

a tree with red leaves and the sun behind it.

If you or someone you love has struggled with addiction, you know how difficult it is to get and stay clean. The road to recovery doesn’t go in only one direction, and as hard as it may be to accept, setbacks and relapses are part of the process. Although we all wish it were different, professionals in the field of addiction treatment don’t have a cure to offer. We do, however, have important information about the factors that improve the likelihood of long-term recovery. There’s no such thing as a one-size-fits-all recovery model, but the available research—and my own clinical experience—suggests that some factors are essential. Regardless of what form of treatment you receive or what kind of program you work, here are the fundamentals:

1) Readiness to Change – If you know anything about recovery, you know this one’s a no-brainer. No matter how bad things have gotten, no matter how much other people want you to change, if you’re not ready, it’s not happening. The truth is, it’s hard to take the first step. Sometimes even misery can seem safer than change, so taking action to do things differently is a courageous and commendable act.

2) Belief In the Ability to Overcome Challenges and Create Change – In psychology we call this self-efficacy. It’s basically a fancy term that refers to a person’s belief that he or she can make things happen. When it comes to recovery, this is crucial. Once you’ve decided to get clean, you have to have conviction that you can actually do it. This, of course, can be challenging, as past experiences may make it hard to see that change is possible. But every day clean and sober is an occasion to feel a little stronger, a little more capable. The beautiful thing about self-efficacy is that it builds on itself; the more positive changes you create, the more capable you feel, and the more capable you feel, the more energy you have to keep the positive changes going.

3) Maintenance of Psychological and Emotional Wellness – There’s a strong link that binds addiction, anxiety, and depression. Research shows that mental and emotional wellness are essential to a solid recovery program. Addressing the addiction without attending to any other dimensions of mental health is ineffective. People in recovery who suffer from untreated anxiety or depression tend not to stay clean for very long. When their symptoms become overwhelming, they seek relief; and since their brains are primed to seek a particular type of relief—in the form of their drug(s) of choice—it’s often only a matter of time before the untreated mental health issues result in relapse.

4) Support – This one cannot be understated. Study after study has shown that interpersonal support is essential to recovery. It isn’t easy to get and stay sober. Being in recovery—especially at first—can be terrifying and isolating. That’s why it’s so important to be surrounded by people who understand you; know what you’re going through; and are willing to stay by your side, cheering you on and keeping you focused when the going gets tough. Check out this 2015 Ted talk from Johann Hari, which offers a thought-provoking perspective on why support and connection are so vital to recovery.

5) Structure – Life in active addiction is often uncertain, unbalanced, unstructured, and unpredictable. That’s why a structured environment and routine are cornerstones of a successful recovery program. The research evidence and my experiences with clients make a strong case for the importance of setting up a clear structure and sticking to it. This means having a consistent routine and adhering to it every day. It means establishing a sense of organization and order with regard to daily tasks and responsibilities. It means attending to the basic activities of daily life, keeping a simple daily schedule that you can stick to, maintaining a balanced lifestyle, and making sure sobriety remains a priority. It might sound like a lot, but with a little help from the right supports, it’s completely possible—and it makes all the difference in the world.

6) Productivity – The last, but certainly not least, quality of a successful recovery program is productivity. Everyone who’s ever attempted sobriety can attest to the fact that boredom is a major trigger with enormous relapse potential. That’s why it’s so important to stay busy. The research suggests that people who engage in productive and meaningful activities tend to stay sober for longer. Whether it’s working at a job, engaging in a hobby, doing physical exercise, playing in an intramural sports league, fellowshipping at meetings, or volunteering in the community, staying productive is key to staying sober.

While this list contains proven factors that contribute to a solid recovery program, it is by no means exhaustive. If you’re new to recovery, it’s important to engage the support of a sponsor or mental health professional with experience in addiction. You are not alone, and yes, you can do this! Change is possible, and you are worth it.

Calling All Warrior Women!

a man jumping into the water at sunset.

We, women are remarkable creatures. We possess countless talents and offer so very much to the world. We are as yielding as we are fierce, as gentle as we are strong. We are highly capable and immeasurably valuable. We are also—well, most of us, at least—really, really . . . . . . . . tired.

Yes, you read that right. If you’re reading this and are also a woman, you probably know exactly what I’m talking about. No doubt it’s wonderful to be a woman; but it can also be a lot of other things. That’s because we are often a lot of things to a lot of people! We tend to play many roles, and we’re often expected to play them all well. And though we’re able to keep lots of plates spinning at once (quite expertly, at that), it’s nowhere near easy to do—sometimes it’s completely impossible!

Many of the female clients I’ve worked with over the years have made incredible changes in their lives with the goal of becoming the best imaginable version of themselves. They set out to do things like make gutsier choices, improve their relationships, treat themselves better, start exciting new ventures, have more fun, become more present for others, become more present for themselves, and the list goes on. I am regularly awestruck and inspired by the unbelievable things women are capable of achieving when they are at their healthiest, happiest, and most confident.

My dear friend and colleague, Dr. Olivia Schalpfer Colmer, LMFT, has had a similar experience in her work with clients. In a recent conversation at our local Starbucks, we came to the exciting realization that we could create a unique opportunity for women to connect with each other, share their experiences, set and accomplish goals, draw out their fierce feminine energy, and create their best lives.

We are thrilled to announce that this spring, we’ll be co-hosting a 6-week personal development group that we’ve lovingly entitled Warrior Women: Becoming Your Best Self. Click the flyer below for all the exciting details. I hope you’ll join us and give yourself the gift of discovering just how mighty you can be!

To learn more about Warrior Women or reserve your spot, call 305-814-4863.

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