Calling Bull***t On Your Beliefs

The woman rummaging through clothes next to me at the department store is a judgmental snob. The family that lives next door to me, whose conversations I can sometimes overhear, is totally dysfunctional.  Some of my friends have completely childish and immature ways of dealing with life. My boss is too demanding; she doesn’t appreciate anything I do.

People are out to get to me.

The future is uncertain.

The world is a terrifying place.

Aside from the particularities, does any of what you just read sound familiar? I would bet that, to some degree, it does. And the reason I’m willing to bet so is because if you’re reading this, you have a human brain, and the human brain is—among many things—a judging instrument. It takes in information from the outside world and makes assessments. It generates assumptions and creates distinctions, which is what helps determine what each of us thinks, feels, and does in response to the world around us. This is generally a good thing. If not for our brain’s capacity to process information, we’d have no way of making sense of anything or making our way through the world.

But here’s the tricky part: Our brains don’t process things in a neutral way. What we perceive and interpret depends on the beliefs we have in place. You know the expression “Seeing is believing”? Well, it’s really a lot more like “Believing is seeing.” Whatever we believe about ourselves, other people, the world, and life in general shapes what we see. And it gets trickier. According to the psychological principle of confirmation bias, we are skewed to notice things that confirm our beliefs and ignore things that contradict them.

Have I lost you? Maybe an example would help. If I believe that all people are rude and unkind, my brain is primed to find examples of this in the world around me. So when I go to the grocery store, I’m going to notice people behaving in rude and unkind ways. If there’s someone acting in a way that contradicts this belief—demonstrating generosity or friendliness, for example—I’m not likely to notice it. Our beliefs have a powerful filtering effect. They assign meaning to everything we encounter and, thus, play a big role in determining how we experience life.

It’s easy for us to fall into the delusion that everything we think is real and true, because our thoughts are always entering our minds and distracting us. In essence, they make up the soundtrack of our lives. There’s a ceaseless stream of chitter chatter carrying on throughout our waking moments, and if we aren’t careful, we can get swept under by it. Once that’s happened, we have difficulty seeing things clearly. We lose perspective.

There’s a powerful quote attributed to the late, great writer Anais Nin that goes like this: “We do not see things as they are; we see them as we are.” With those words she perfectly summed up the way beliefs work: They influence us to see the world in particular ways. We become convinced that the way we see it is the only way to see it, and because of that, we set ourselves up for unnecessary suffering.

Since our beliefs play such an important role in shaping our reality, it helps for us to be mindful of what we’re going around believing. And, more importantly, it’s a good idea to hold those beliefs up to the light, so to speak, and question how much they’re serving us. One way that I’ve seen this manifest particularly powerfully is with a common belief of unworthiness that has plagued many of my clients throughout their lives. Each of their beliefs about this looks a little different, but the basic idea is, “I am only worthy if I’m ­_______ enough.” That blank can be filled in with anything from thin to powerful to wealthy to approved of by others, and the list goes on. Until that core belief is addressed, it negatively impacts my clients’ lives, limiting their potential and hampering their ability to live as they desire. As I mentioned before, our beliefs are the birthplace of our thoughts, feelings, and actions; whatever we believe will influence what we perceive, which will ultimately determine how we experience and respond to the situations that arise in our lives. If we want to change our experience in the world—if we want to change the world, period—we must begin by exploring and challenging our own beliefs.

The reason I titled this post “Calling Bull***t On Your Beliefs” is because one of the cornerstones of personal growth and transformation is a willingness to question and replace irrational, unhelpful beliefs. Most of the beliefs we carry around have been in place for most of our lives; we formed them in early childhood based on the things we were taught and picked up on from scanning our environment and observing our most significant attachment figures. We came about our beliefs honestly, and at one time, we relied on them to give our lives a sense of order and predictability. But our beliefs can become a source of suffering if we don’t keep them in check.

Please understand that I’m not saying all beliefs are unhelpful and invalid. Believing that touching a hot stove will burn you is a perfectly rational and adaptive belief. There’s evidence to support it, and holding on to it will help keep you safe. But other beliefs—like “I’m unlovable” or “People can’t be trusted”—serve a far less adaptive purpose. It’s those beliefs—the ones that trigger unhelpful thoughts, unpleasant emotions, and undesirable actions—that require some challenging. If you can call bull***t on beliefs like those, you’ll significantly improve the way you feel about yourself, other people, the future, and the world at large.

The best way to start questioning and discarding unhelpful beliefs is to recognize when you’ve gotten caught up in a stream of negative thoughts. If you’re paying close enough attention, you’ll be able to identify the thoughts that are stemming directly from irrational beliefs. Once you’ve recognized the belief-based thought (e.g., “Everyone rejects me;” “I’m stupid;” “Things are never going to get better;” “The world is a scary place”), ask yourself the following questions:

  1. What is the evidence to support that this is true?
  2. Have I ever experienced anything at all that would suggest it isn’t true?
  3. How does it help me to continue believing this?
  4. How does it harm me to continue believing this?
  5. Who would I be if I no longer held on to this belief?
  6. If I were to let go of this belief, if only for right now, what might become possible?

Do you want to live a freer, more content life? Do you want to experience more self-esteem and a greater sense of connection to the people around you? Why not start now? Stop believing the bull***t. Question everything. Release your certainties. Shake off the shackles of your self-limiting beliefs, and watch yourself, your world, your life transform before your very eyes.

Don’t Take Anything Personally

two seagulls are flying in the sky together.

In just a few days, I’ll have the distinct pleasure of hearing one of my favorite authors speak in an intimate setting. For me, this is the equivalent of going to a sold-out rock concert or the premier of a blockbuster movie. It’s a really big deal. The author I’m referring to, don Miguel Ruiz, is best known for sharing transformational insights from the ancient Toltec tradition. The most famous of his books, The Four Agreements, is an international bestseller. The wisdom contained within it is, at once, approachable and profound. It has changed many lives—including my own.

As the title of the book suggests, The Four Agreements describes four contracts we can make with ourselves to become free from the many self-limiting beliefs we’ve been conditioned to hold on to, which cause much of our suffering. While all of the agreements in the book have the potential to radically change the way we view ourselves, others, and life in general, there’s one in particular that’s been on my mind quite a bit lately. It’s the second agreement: Don’t Take Things Personally.

When I first read The Four Agreements, I was struck by the simple language Ruiz uses to describe a life-changing concept. Here’s a particularly compelling excerpt from that section in the book:

“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.”

Wow! Pretty powerful stuff, isn’t it?

I was deeply moved upon first reading these words, and I continue to be struck by their significance today. The many years I’ve spent working with all kinds of people in therapy have shown me that everyone has, at one time or another, been wounded by the opinions, words, and actions of other people. Their interactions with other others have resulted in pain and rejection, and many of them have become fearful as a result. They shut down, avoid intimacy, lash out, or become consumed by thoughts about how other people feel about them. Every one of us has some experience with taking things personally and experiencing real pain as a result. So Ruiz’s declaration that we can free ourselves of these binds is remarkably good news.

The Toltec wisdom contained in the second agreement has been around for centuries, and many famous philosophers and psychologists have written about it and developed theories based on its central premise. In truth, we are all living our own personal realities, which are shaped by our thoughts, emotions, beliefs, culture, mood, upbringing, and experiences. We go through the world as if we are the producer, director, screenwriter, and star of our own personal movie, and we expect everyone we encounter—the other actors, bit players, and extras—to know their lines. When they don’t follow the script, we suffer. But, you see, everyone else in the world is living their own movie. Everyone else is living their own reality—or, as don Miguel Ruiz would put it, their own dream. They don’t know their lines in the script for our movie, just as we don’t know our lines in theirs. When we take this personally, we suffer unnecessarily, because it was never about us to begin with.

In the section of The Four Agreements about not taking things personally, Ruiz goes on to say:

“As you make a habit of not taking anything personally, you won’t need to place your trust in what others do or say. You will only need to trust yourself to make responsible choices. You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you. When you truly understand this, and refuse to take things personally, you can hardly be hurt by the careless comments or actions of others.”

These are words we can all begin to live by, and benefit tremendously from doing so. They can help us to understand a very important truth: that everything we think, say, and do is not a reflection of reality, but a reflection of ourselves. Therefore, it’s also true that everything other people think, say, and do is not a reflection of us, but a reflection of themselves. This shift in understanding creates the potential for a much freer existence fraught with far less suffering.

I can’t wait to have the invaluable opportunity to sit in don Miguel Ruiz’s presence as he imparts more wisdom that I can adopt in my own life and share with my clients and readers. If you’re interested in reading more about the second agreement and getting familiar with the other three agreements outlined in the book, I highly recommend that you get a copy of The Four Agreements. It’s an easy read, a true page turner! And, for those of you in South Florida who are interested in joining me to hear Ruiz speak along with his son, don Miguel Ruiz, Jr., check out the information below and click the link to purchase your ticket.

Until next time!

 

 

To Love With the Freedom of Life: An Evening of Toltec Wisdom

don Miguel Ruiz Sr. & don Miguel Ruiz Jr.

Friday, May 6th at 6:00 p.m.

Unity on The Bay – Miami, FL

https://tickets.brightstarevents.com/event/ruin-unity-on-the-bay

 

When Hanging In There Hurts

a hot air balloon floating over the water at night.

If there’s one thing we can count on in this world, it’s change. However hard we may try to keep things consistent, we can’t contend with the fundamental nature of life, which is to remain in a perpetual state of transition and transformation. It’s easy for us to embrace this reality when the changes are favorable. We love seeing the clock strike 5:00 on Friday. We get really excited about getting stronger, losing weight, earning fancier titles, and making more money. We celebrate births, graduations, and all manner of new beginnings. But when it comes to the difficult periods of transition, we tend to be much less willing to lean in to the change.

There’s a certain expression in our culture that people often use when someone’s going through a painful or difficult time of transition: “Hang in there.” It’s a way of saying, “I know this isn’t easy, but don’t give up. This will end eventually.” The expression conveys empathy and compassion; it’s intended to be comforting. But what if those words aren’t enough to sooth something that feels unmanageable or overwhelming? What do you do when hanging on starts to hurt?

1) Breathe and meditate. Breathe with intention and practice centering your mind on the present moment. When going through dark times, it can be easy to get carried away and create catastrophic stories about what the future will hold. It will serve you to develop a practice of anchoring your attention back in the present moment whenever your mind begins to wander. Continue to remind yourself that you will get through this—one moment, one breath at a time.

2) Take care of yourself. Manage your stress and find ways to unwind and decompress. Maintain a balanced and consistent routine as much as you can. Attend to your food, exercise, and sleep habits. It’s easy to neglect your needs and break routines when times are tough. But you’ve got to be well to manage your challenges, get through the tough stuff, and overcome the obstacles in your way.

3) Recall other difficult episodes that you’ve gotten through. Remind yourself that there was another time in your life when you felt confused, afraid, uncertain, or desperate for things to get better. Remember that things eventually changed, and you stopped feeling as awful as you once did. This, too, shall pass.

4) Call on your faith and courage. Whatever spiritual or religions convictions you might have, this is the time to lean on them. Trust that no matter how difficult your present circumstances may be, they are molding you into a stronger, wiser more understanding version of yourself. Access your inner courage and fortitude, and know that you will get to the other side of this, whatever it is.

No matter what you’re going through or how painful it may be, it won’t last forever. Nothing does. Keep these tips in mind and know that you can make it through anything that comes your way.

Get Out of Your Head, Get Into Your Experience

a view of the top of a snowy mountain.

“Experience, contrary to popular belief, is mostly imagination” – Ruth Benedict

I came across this quote recently, and it really struck a chord with me. It got me thinking about perspective and how much it influences the way we experience our lives. Recently I worked with a client who was struggling with a sense of being “stuck in a rut.” She knew she should be happy with her two fabulous jobs, her gorgeous new home, her adoring partner, and her ever-expanding wardrobe, but she just didn’t feel satisfied. And it seemed the more she tried to remind herself of all the reasons she had to be happy, the less content she felt. By the time she came to see me, she was convinced that she was “self-sabotaging,” setting herself up for “a miserable life.”

My client’s experience is not uncommon. Who can’t relate to being surrounded by things that should produce joy, yet feeling underwhelmed? The truth is, things like appreciation and gratitude—the things my client wanted to feel but didn’t—are just like muscles; they have to be conditioned and put to work in order to grow stronger. And the first step in the process of conditioning these mental muscles is paying attention.

If we want to shift our experience of life and become more aware of how good we have it, we must start by tuning in to what’s going on. We often feel dissatisfied because we’re distracted and consumed by our own thoughts. Rather than taking stock of what we do have, we think about what we’d rather have or compare ourselves to people who have more. We get caught up in anxious thinking, dreaming up catastrophe situations or wondering when things will go wrong. Or we simply get carried away by the chitter-chatter taking place inside our minds. The problem with this is that whenever we’re in our minds, it’s a guarantee that we’re not present for our experiences. We’re living in our imaginations rather than living our actual lives. Going through life this way is a setup for disappointment and disillusionment. It’s one of the biggest reasons why so many people search for happiness and fail to find it.

Through our work together, my client came to realize that a big culprit for her discontent was that instead of living her life, she was telling herself stories about her life. I taught her techniques to ground herself in the present moment and flex the mental muscles of attention, awareness, and appreciation. Within just a few weeks, she was feeling completely differently. She had achieved a sense of deep satisfaction, and the important people in her life noticed a big difference in her attitude and outlook.

Just as a picture of a place will never do it justice, a story about our experience will never compare to the real thing. The time to start appreciating what you have is right now. But first you’ve got to get out of your head so you can get into your experience. When you learn to do this and commit yourself to practicing it, you’ll be surprised to find that happiness is well within your reach.