You’ve Got To Feel It To Heal It

a woman holding a pink rose in her hands.

It makes me happy when clients come to session in the midst of emotional discomfort.

Now, I know what you must be thinking, so please allow me to explain. No, I’m not a sadist. I don’t take pleasure in my clients’ pain. But I do know an opportunity for healing when I see one.

What I mean is this: When it comes to emotional pain, most of the efforts people make to stop feeling it end up having the opposite effect. The more they try to numb or escape the emotion, the more they end up suffering. This numbing can come in various forms. For some people it’s drugs and alcohol, for others it’s work. Some people dive into relationships to escape unpleasant feelings, others dive into chocolate cake and ice cream. While some of these approaches are more dangerous than others, they all have the same underlying motivation: to avoid, suppress, distort, or deny whatever’s going on inside. We all have our own methods for doing this, and we can all likely agree that even if they seem to work a little at first, the relief doesn’t last. It’s like putting a Band-Aid on a deep wound—some of the surface gets covered, but the real affliction remains untreated.

The reason I get happy when clients come in feeling bad is that I know they’re in the perfect position to heal themselves. That’s because when it comes to the emotional stuff, you’ve got to feel it to heal it. This might seem like unfortunate news—after all, who wants to make direct contact with something that feels so awful? But you need to know that it isn’t all bad. You see, what you’ll come to find when you begin to practice healing through feeling is that you start to feel better much sooner than when you attempt to numb and avoid. Ever heard the expression what we resist persists? Well, it applies perfectly here. Whenever we try not to feel what we’re feeling, whenever we try to push out the pain, we end up getting even more tangled up in it. We add an extra layer of suffering to something that’s already agonizing.

When my clients sit across from me in a state of emotional distress, I have them start by inviting their pain to the proverbial table and asking it to have a seat. This begins the process of keeping company with the emotion. It also begins the process of relieving the pain. Next, I have them identify the emotion as specifically as possible. This is based on research that shows people who are able to identify their emotions and distinguish one from the other are more effective at coping with them. I have my clients track the physical manifestations of the emotional pain throughout their bodies. They might find that nervousness feels like a tightening in the chest or sadness feels like heaviness in the shoulders. Getting in touch with the embodied aspects of the pain furthers the process of addressing and healing it. The rest of the work is a deliberate and compassionate practice of making room for the emotion, learning from it, and trusting that it will pass. It always does.

If therapy or any form of self-work is to be effective, it has to go directly to the source. We have to be willing to go inward and visit the places we don’t want to go. We have to learn how to keep company with all of our emotions, not just the ones we like to feel. We have to make a practice of tuning into our internal experience and asking ourselves the difficult question: What am I trying to keep myself from feeling?

When you feel bad it’s natural to want to feel better; but once you start practicing this stuff, you’ll never again want to settle for feeling better when you know you can actually get better. You are capable, and you are worth it.

Want a Better Life? Do Less, Be More

a person sitting on top of a cliff.

Take a moment to ask yourself the following questions:

  • When was the last time I jumped out of bed in the morning with the energy of a child, eager to face the day?  
  • When did I last take a moment to pause, look up at the sky, and marvel at its vastness? 
  • What was the last thing I did that made me feel completely and utterly in love with myself?
  • How long has it been since I had a meaningful interaction with another person?
  • When was the last time I felt fully satisfied with the life I’m living?

Chances are you had a difficult time answering a few, if not all, of those questions. Most people do.

In our increasingly fast-paced society, in which we glorify being busy and contend with countless demands on our time, life can often feel like a struggle to keep up. Emails flood our inboxes at a frenzied pace, and every issue in our lives seems to require our immediate attention. Our technology keeps us flooded with information that’s impossible to keep up with, and we’re in a constant state of sensory overload. It’s no wonder we often feel exhausted and (ironically) disconnected so much of the time.

Don’t get me wrong, much can be gained from working hard, seeking advancement, and making the most of the technology available to us. The problem is that it comes at quite a cost.

Here’s the thing. There’s a reason we’re called human beings and not human doings. Although we’re highly capable of doing, we were designed for being. And when we allow ourselves to slow down and just be, we discover how much we’re missing and overlooking when we’re zipping through life at lightning speed.

Shifting from doing mode to being mode can create a monumental shift in our experience of life. When we make this shift, we start to feel more centered, more balanced, more grounded, more connected. We start deliberately using our five senses to encounter the world around us. We start getting curious about our internal experience, noticing our thoughts and emotions as they arise. We start to get intentional about engaging with everything that surrounds us, including other human beings. We start discovering and enjoying the miraculous nature of being alive.

People who learn how to create the shift from doing to being tend to have a positive outlook on life. They tend to find their relationships meaningful and satisfying. Most importantly, they tend to experience deep love for themselves and their lives.

Are you interested in becoming one of those people? I’m happy to tell you that you can be. It’s only a matter of practice.

The best way to begin the practice of doing less and being more is to create small rituals and commit to carrying them out each day. You might start by doing something as simple as setting an alarm on your phone that goes off 5 times a day. Each time the alarm goes off, you stop whatever you’re doing and take 5 full, deep breaths, allowing yourself to rest your attention completely on the sensation of breathing. Another entry point to being mode is meditation. You might begin by searching YouTube for guided meditations, choosing one you feel comfortable with, and doing it 2 times a week.

When you commit to living more intentionally, you’re committing to a life of more vitality and deeper awareness. You’re giving yourself the gift of living life more fully, with a greater sense of purpose. I welcome you to explore some other ways you can engage your natural state of being, and I invite you to stay tuned for more posts here at Evergreen Therapy that will guide your journey toward slowing down and tuning in.

 

 

 

 

Why Even Kindness Needs Constraints

a woman standing in a field of tall grass.

The New York Times recently featured an online piece entitled “A Daughter Too Kind for Her Own Good.” The compelling article, written by a mother about her elementary school aged daughter, introduces a subject that women, in general, and mothers, in particular, are likely to find meaningful. In essence, the author raises the question: How much kindness is too much?

Most of us would agree that kindness is a desirable quality. We tend to want others to be kind to us, so we practice the Golden Rule, treating others as we would like to be treated. But, as the author of the article suggests, this kind of compassion has its limits when it means lacking assertiveness with others. By observing her daughter’s response to an interaction with one of her peers, she recognized that her daughter’s kindheartedness—the same virtue that she, as a mother, had taught and encouraged— was leading her to tolerate meanness from others. It was causing her to neglect her own feelings and needs.

This article is an important cause for consideration among all of us, but especially those of us who have been taught to be kind at all costs. While being generally loving and accepting is an asset, it’s important to recognize when it’s appropriate to set boundaries with others. We must learn when to assert ourselves and be deliberate about practicing it—especially when it doesn’t come naturally.

There’s no denying that we are at our best when we are good to others; we just can’t forget to be good to ourselves.

Check out the article here.

Retaining Your Resolutions in 2016

a bunch of fireworks are lit up in the night sky.

The start of a new year is an exciting time. It’s an opportunity to wipe the slate clean and approach the upcoming 365 days with new intentions. For many people, New Year’s Day is an occasion for setting resolutions in the spirit of self-improvement. But as we all know, even the most sincerely set resolutions often go unfulfilled. By the middle of the year, most people will have lost sight of what they promised themselves on January 1st. So how can you dodge this trend and follow through with your commitment? Start by following these five simple steps:

1) Reflect on Your Past Efforts

When setting resolutions for a new year, a good place to start is by reflecting on your efforts from previous years. Ask yourself: “What got in my way of sticking to previous years’ resolutions?” Then ask: “What goals have I been able to stick to and attain?” Take notes to get a sense of what works for you and what doesn’t. Learn from your own successes, and figure out how to bypass the obstacles that could keep you from fulfilling your resolution this year.

2) Set Clear and Reasonable Resolutions

Be clear about the change you want to achieve. “Getting in shape” isn’t very specific, but “fitting comfortably into that too-tight pair of skinny jeans in the closet” is. Once you’ve clarified the resolution, break it down into small, manageable objectives—something you can work on little by little. When you break the big goal down into incremental steps, you’ll find it’s easy to stay on track by doing a little something every day. Today it might be taking a walk around the neighborhood, tomorrow buying fresh produce at the local farmer’s market. Before you know it, you’re rocking the skinny jeans in April and feeling like a winner!

3) Be Kind to Yourself While You Work On Your Resolution

The way we speak to ourselves has a whole lot to do with how we feel, how we function, and whether we fulfill our resolutions. Think about it: If you had someone following you around all the time saying critical, insulting things to you, wouldn’t you feel defeated? So why would you say such things to yourself? Many of us walk around saying self-deprecating, even hurtful, things to ourselves, which saps our energy, keeping us from going after what we want. It’s important when setting resolutions and working toward them to act in a spirit of love and a desire to improve our lives.

4) Find a Way to Check in With Your Resolution EVERY DAY

Most people who fail to fulfill their new year’s resolution do so because they simply stop thinking about it. Despite their best intentions to do something different, life—and everything that comes with it—just gets in the way. But this doesn’t have to be the case. It doesn’t take much time or effort to make even major changes; sometimes all it takes is checking in with the resolution to keep it alive. The simplest way to do this is to write it down and keep it visible. Write it on your bathroom mirror, your refrigerator, your office desktop, your cell phone’s home screen, or all of the above! Make it a point to read the resolution every day, mindfully reminding yourself of what you set out to do at the start of the year. You’ll be amazed at how much this works to keep you on track!

5) Create an Audience of Affirmation

Commit yourself to change by making it known that you’ve set a goal for yourself. I call this creating an audience of affirmation. If your resolution for 2016 is to run a marathon, tell everyone you know about it (after you’ve registered for the race, of course). By creating an audience for your efforts, you’re implicitly committing yourself to completing it. Won’t it feel good to be able to tell your coworker, or sister-in-law, or neighbor that you’re up to 15 miles when they ask you five months from now how your training is going? Won’t it be wonderful to see your marathon medal on the mantelpiece next New Year’s Eve? Invite people into your process of change and transformation, and let their excitement for you serve as fuel to motivate your efforts.

May 2016 bring new opportunities for transformation, inspiration, growth, and positive change. Resolve to do it, put in the work, and revel in the joy of accomplishing what you set out to. Cheers!

Responding Versus Reacting

a large body of water sitting under a blue sky.

Life is beautiful, but it can also be pretty stressful and unpredictable. One minute things are going just fine and the next you’re faced with an unplanned for, unpleasant situation. Let’s say you’re at the grocery store after a long workday. You’re finally unloading your items onto the conveyor belt after waiting in line for 10 minutes, when suddenly the cashier tells you, “I need to close this line. Please go to another register.” You can’t believe what you’ve just heard. Suddenly your body kicks into stress mode: your heart starts pounding, your mind starts racing, and you tense up from head to toe. You feel agitated, frustrated, disappointed, angry, and anxious all at once. So what happens next?

When unanticipated stressful events occur, a number of pretty predictable things happen inside of us. Just like in the grocery store scenario I depicted, a number of emotions arise; the mind gets flooded with thoughts; and the body gets activated, preparing to fight or flee. These things occur automatically when we experience some stressor in the environment, because we’re wired to do what we need to do to survive. But what happens when the stressor isn’t threatening our survival? What happens when it’s just an annoyance, a disruption, or a temporary inconvenience?

In most cases, immediate reactions to non-life-threatening stressful events are unhelpful and wind up causing more stress than the initial event. Let’s say, for example, that when the cashier tells you the checkout line is closed, you blow up at her, cussing loudly while slamming your items back in the cart. Reacting this way might draw negative attention from the people around you and cause you to damage some of the food items you intended to purchase—both of which get you more stressed and more agitated than you started out.

But not all hope is lost. You see, reacting to stressful events isn’t the only option we have. Unlike other living creatures—and even unlike our less evolved ancestors—we have the capacity to respond to situations thoughtfully, rather than just reacting based on instinct or impulse. To do this, however, takes practice. It’s important to remember that you can’t control the thoughts that enter your mind or the emotions that rise up within you when you experience some stressful event. What you can control is what you do next.

Practicing meditation and other relaxation techniques helps to prepare us to be responsive rather than reactive. They train us to be aware of when we’ve been triggered to react so that we can take the hit, take a breath, and take a minute to decide how to respond. Responding mindfully to events, rather than simply reacting, allows us to take command of our experience in the present moment. And it certainly makes grocery shopping a lot more pleasant.