The Practice is the Purpose

a woman doing yoga on the beach in front of the ocean.

In an effort to invite more consistency and discipline into my routine, I’ve recently developed a morning ritual to propel me into the day. Now I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve never been one to consistently follow rituals or routines. I tend to start out strong—swearing to myself that I’ll stick to it no matter what—only to flake off when things start to feel redundant. But this time, I’m approaching things a little differently, guided by the wisdom of something I learned from one of my meditation teachers several years ago.

When I first attempted meditation, I was a self-proclaimed “stress ball.” It was hard for me to sit still for even a few minutes, and my mind felt like it was always racing a mile a minute. No matter how much I tried to slow down or calm down, it never seemed possible. Yoga, which I had been practicing for many years by the time I found my way to sitting meditation, was the closest I could get to stillness—and even that felt like a fairly excruciating challenge. During my initial conversations with the meditation teacher I mentioned, we’d talk about the fundamentals of meditation and address my curiosities and reservations. I explained to him that as much as I wanted to develop a practice of meditation, I just wasn’t the Zen type. “My mind is too busy,” I told him. “Plus, I’m prone to anxiety, so it’s really hard for me to slow down my thoughts and just breathe in the moment.” Part of me wanted him to teach me how to overcome these apparent obstacles; but if I’m being honest, the bigger part of me hoped he’d buy my excuses and exempt me from the difficult practice altogether. He did neither of these. All he did was flash his playful, patient smile and insist, in one way or another, that I keep coming back to my cushion each day. “Just keep sitting,” he’d say. “And remember, the practice is the purpose.”

These words confounded me every time I heard them. They struck me like some sort of complex riddle that I couldn’t quite solve. At once simple and profound, the phrase was clearly supposed to be encouraging; but at that time in my life, all it did was make my head spin. Nonetheless, I heeded his advice and kept returning to my cushion every day, eager to get to the other side of my struggle and reach some sort of clearing, where my mind would become silent, and enlightenment would be mine.

When I look back at these times and remember the thinking that guided me through them, I can’t help but smile. I had no idea what my teacher was talking about, but boy, is it clear to me now. You see, it’s been years since I started meditating, and I can tell you without the slightest bit of hesitation that I’m nowhere near enlightenment. And there hasn’t been a single meditation session that’s led me to a completely silent mind. But I can also tell you that meditation has profoundly and radically transformed my life. No matter what I feel, how resistant I might be, or how much my sessions challenge me, I return to my cushion—over, and over, and over again. And each time I do, I learn and I grow. Each time I do, I realize how right my teacher was: the purpose has always been the practice.

Neuroscience research supports that we can change our brains—and, thus, change our lives—through committed and consistent practice. But we don’t need science to tell us that; it’s evident everywhere we look. How do professional athletes get so good at their game? Practice. How do long-term, successful couples quickly resolve issues in their relationship and reestablish harmony? Practice. How does anyone who’s exceptional at anything get to that point? Yep, you guessed it: they practice, with purpose, repeatedly and consistently. They keep coming back, no matter how difficult or mundane the task may be. And it’s important for us to remember that we all have that capacity. Over time, our brains and bodies reward our practice, yielding positive results that, if we let them, can reinforce our efforts.

Now that I understand what it means for the practice to be the purpose, I challenge people not to count themselves out of meditation because their minds are too busy. And I talk back to my own narratives about not being consistent enough to stick to a morning ritual. There’s beauty in devotion and discipline. Even when it seems like nothing is happening, practice works some pretty brilliant magic—the kind that can change our lives and evolve us into the best versions of ourselves.

So, what practice can you commit to? And who might you become through your purposeful dedication to it?

Meditation and Mental Health—Part 5

a man sitting in a field watching the sunset.

It’s time for the fifth and final installment of this series on meditation’s role in mental health—and I’m honored to share it with you. I’ve talked so far about the many ways in which meditation can support and expand our lives in terms of our thoughts, our emotions, our relationships, and our physical health; but the benefits don’t stop there. The last domain of mental health supported by meditation and mindfulness is one of the most significant. In this way, perhaps, you might say I’ve saved the best for last.

It’s no secret that people who feel good about themselves, live with integrity, and see their values reflected in their choices tend to be pretty healthy when it comes to their mental and emotional experience. This way of living allows them to develop a strong sense of purpose and conviction about the lives they lead, which is all but guaranteed to improve their quality of life. It’s also not much of a secret that many people who maintain a regular meditation and mindfulness practice live in precisely this way.

That’s because the process of witnessing what’s unfolding inside us and what’s happening around us—which meditation and mindfulness are all about—makes us more familiar with who we are, what we value, and what we desire. We grow tremendously when we realize that we are responsible for creating our lives through the choices we make and the stories we tell ourselves. By paying attention to what’s happening in our lives, from moment to moment, we improve our ability to interpret and respond in ways that align with our core values and support our mental health. We learn to step into the power we possess to choose our own way, no matter what circumstances might befall us.

Self-esteem, integrity, and purpose are important aspects of mental health that we can cultivate by learning what we want. But this is one of those things that’s much easier said than done. The question, “What do you want?” is one that most people have no idea how to answer. And the reason it tends to be so elusive is that we aren’t practiced in asking the question and then going inside to wait for the answer. Instead of determining what we really want, we go with what we’ve been told we should want or what other people seem to want. We don’t do the work of finding and owning our authentic, legitimate answers. To do this takes courage; it requires practice. But the more we do it, the more familiar we become with ourselves. We grow to learn what makes us tick, what inspires us, what opens our hearts. We learn to access and honor our internal reservoir of yeses and nos.

Becoming familiar with who we are and what we want fortifies our self-esteem and enables us to feel confident about what we have to offer and what mark we want to leave on the world. It allows us to deliberately and intentionally create lives of integrity; it helps us align our actions with our values. All of this can generate a profound sense of fulfillment—the kind that boosts our mental health and dramatically improves our quality of life. And meditation is one of the foundational practices that can support us in generating these kinds of outcomes and this kind of purpose-driven life.

It’s astonishing to think that sitting in silence and connecting with ourselves in the moment can hold such potent, transformative potential. But this is what meditation has to offer—if only we’re willing to commit ourselves to it. The more we practice, the more purposeful our lives become. We transform our relationship with our thoughts and emotions. We create deeper and more meaningful relationships with other people. We experience greater vitality in our physical bodies. We get closer to living a life of integrity that brings contentment and makes us proud.

It’s been an honor to write this series, and I’d like to conclude it with an offering of the hopes I guard in my heart for all of you. I hope you come away from reading this with new ways to think about the ancient practices of meditation and mindfulness. I hope their many benefits are apparent to you. I hope the information I shared will inspire you to adopt a practice of your own. And finally, I hope you feel confident and excited about the contributions your practice will make to your mental health, your life, your future, your relationships, and the world in general.

Meditation and Mental Health—Part 4

It’s time for part four of the five-part series I’ve been exploring on meditation and mental health. So far, I’ve made the case for how meditation can support us by influencing how we relate to our thoughts, our emotions, and the people in our lives. This time, I want to examine the role that meditation plays in supporting our physical health. You see, a healthy body is associated with a healthy mind. That’s because our minds and our bodies are connected; the health of one influences and is influenced by the health of the other. Through our meditation practice, we come to understand and access the mind-body connection in ways that foster and expand our mental health.

One way to define meditation is as a committed practice of transforming the mind and connecting with the body. Through the practice, we learn to consciously follow the bridge of our breath, guiding our attention into the body and connecting with ourselves. Every time we find ourselves getting distracted or lost in our thoughts, we come back into our bodies and anchor our attention in the present moment. This not only serves us during our formal practice, it also aids us in every other area of our lives. Because the more practiced we are at bridging the connection between mind and body, the more aware of our physical selves we become.

With the awareness of meditation practice comes the capacity to mindfully choose how we treat our physical bodies. We start to think more carefully and be more intentional about the foods we eat, the beverages we drink, and the products we put into or onto our bodies. When our bodies are fueled and fortified in ways that support our physical health, we think more clearly, engage in higher levels of productivity, attend to our needs more efficiently, sustain higher levels of energy, and feel more alive. Improved mental health, in this way, becomes a natural byproduct of physical health—and meditation is one way to get us there.

The mindfulness we cultivate through a regular meditation practice gives us the ability to keep an ongoing awareness of our physical bodies. It enables us to be in contact with our hunger cues, so we know when it’s time to eat. It encourages us to eat and drink slowly, so we enjoy the process and realize when we’ve had enough. It let us tune into our intrinsic wisdom, choosing to eat what our bodies need instead of what our minds crave. All of this serves to reinforce the mind-body connection, thereby increasing our self-awareness, self-care, physical wellness, and mental health.

When we learn to connect with the breath and the body, we start to expand what’s physically possible for us. This is something yogis have known for centuries, which is no surprise, considering yoga is ultimately a moving form of meditation. Not only can we reach new levels of physical fitness through the foundations of meditation, we can also become highly intuitive about how we move our bodies. We can listen to the messages our bodies are sending, so we know when it’s time to be active and when it’s time to rest. We know when it’s a good idea to roll on some lavender oil and take an Epsom salt bath, or when a good old doctor’s visit is in order. To be this aware, this connected, requires ongoing attention. It’s a skill that we develop through practice, over time.

One of the coolest things about meditation is that there are endless ways we can use it to support our bodies and sharpen our minds. For example, many swimmers, basketball players, gymnasts, and runners regularly engage in visualization meditation to improve their performance. That’s because studies have shown that athletes who use visualization meditation to imagine themselves performing a certain physical activity improve as much as—or, in some cases, more than—athletes who practice actually performing the activity. How’s that for a testament to the mind-body connection?

Whether your physical health goals include losing weight, overcoming panic attacks, expanding your yoga practice, changing your physique, adopting a cleaner diet, cutting back your alcohol consumption, improving your athletic performance, reducing the intensity of chronic aches and pains, or just generally feeling more connected to your body, meditation practice can support you—and you get to enjoy the fun bonus prize of enhanced mental health!

As long as we’re enjoying this human experience, we’ll do so within the vessels of our beautiful, remarkable, wise, and resilient bodies. It’s a worthy activity, then, to connect with those bodies and treat them with love and respect. Meditation, which gives us entry to the present moment and guides our awareness within, is a gift we give ourselves in the service of our health. I invite you to begin exploring your mind-body connection through meditation, yoga, and any other practices that call to you. And I look forward to coming back to you soon with the final installment of this series!

Meditation and Mental Health – Part 2

a person sitting in a pile of hay.

Hi, everyone. I’m back for the second installment of this five-article series I’ve developed to uncover some of the most valuable ways that meditation can support our mental health. In the last installment, I described how meditation supports the way we relate to our thoughts. (If you missed that article, you can check it out here.) Next, I’ll explore the unique relationship between meditation and emotional health.

As it turns out, meditation and mindfulness can valuably aid us in developing an enhanced relationship with our emotions. They do this in two particular ways. First, they help us learn how to identify rather than identify with our emotions. Second, they help us more effectively regulate our emotions and self-soothe. These are critical skills that, when practiced regularly, can have a meaningful—even life-changing—impact on our emotional health. And it all starts with the fine-tuned awareness that mindfulness and meditation help us cultivate.

As I’ve already mentioned, meditation and mindfulness help us learn how to identify our emotions, rather than identifying with them. This happens as a function of our ability to notice what we’re experiencing in the moment. When we practice meditation and mindfulness, we connect to our experience in the here-and-now, noticing what’s bubbling up within us. We experience our emotions in real time, witnessing their arrival and watching them move through us. This turns out to be a really useful skill—one that can change the way we relate to emotionally charged experiences. You see, research shows that people who can identify their emotions are more capable of coping with them than people who aren’t aware of what they’re feeling. The more understanding we have of our emotional experience, the more effectively we can manage it. When we know what we’re feeling, we’re more capable of being with that feeling and responding to it in ways that support our mental health.

This experience of identifying our emotions is quite different from the experience of identifying with our emotions—something that’s painfully familiar to most of us. Let me use an example to clarify the distinction. Imagine that you’re driving along the highway on your way to work, and another vehicle cuts in front of you unexpectedly. You have to slam on your brakes to avoid a collision, and your treasured morning coffee takes a spill as a result. Instinctively and immediately, anger arises within you. It courses through your body and stirs up a stream of anger-inspired thoughts. You become angry. You are angry. There’s no distinction between the anger and you; you’re identified with the emotion, and it’s taken over your experience. In that moment, your identification with anger might have you react in particular ways. You might curse loudly, scream obscenities, decide that your day is now ruined, or even attempt to seek revenge against the offending driver. With anger in the driver’s seat of your experience, you might say or do a number of things that you might later regret.

When we’re identified with and consumed by an emotion, our thinking is clouded and our actions are limited. We’re in full-on reaction mode, without much consideration for consequences. This is where identifying with our emotions can get dicey—dangerous, even. Where meditation and mindfulness step in and support us is by allowing us to experience our emotions without becoming consumed by them. When we’re present to our in-the-moment experience (a skill we develop through committed and consistent practice), we can lengthen the space between action and reaction. We can deliberately respond to our experiences with a sense of clarity, instead of emotionally reacting based on impulse. When we learn to identify our emotions through meditation and mindfulness, we can notice what we’re feeling, let ourselves experience it, and then intentionally settle ourselves before responding. This challenging practice is remarkably empowering; it can allow us to more masterfully navigate through our lives and manage everything that comes at us.

Meditation and mindfulness have another significant impact on our emotional health: they improve our capacity to manage and regulate what we’re feeling. There’s a common phrase among therapists that you’ve got to feel it to heal it, and there’s a lot of wisdom in that. Denying, resisting, and suppressing emotions is a recipe for disaster. When we refuse to face our emotions, we wreak havoc on our mental, emotional, and physical health. But as I stated earlier, allowing our emotions to consume us is equally unproductive and unhealthy. So how do develop a relationship with our emotions that allows us to feel them without becoming attached to them? Well, that’s where mindfulness and meditation come in. You see, these practices expand our ability to manage our emotions, regulate their expression, and soothe ourselves when we become distressed. But how do they do it?

When we practice meditation and mindfulness, we get present to our experience in the moment. We notice our emotions as they’re coming up, and we allow ourselves to feel them without impulsively reacting to them. We get familiar with the sensations in our bodies associated with certain emotions, and we learn to sit with the discomfort of feeling what we’d rather not feel. This is a remarkably useful practice—one that allows us to more capably manage our emotions. The capacity to self-soothe—in other words, to work through our own difficult emotions and calm ourselves down instead of relying on outside sources (other people, food, substances, etc.) to do it for us—is an important marker of mental health. The more we practice it, the better we become at it; and the better we are at self-soothing, the more capable we are of managing ourselves under even the most difficult of circumstances.

We humans are extraordinarily complex emotional creatures, and our ability to understand what we’re feeling is one of our most adaptive and advantageous features. As you journey through your own meditation and mindfulness practice, consider how you can increase your emotional attunement, thus improving your ability to identify your emotions and self-soothe. Though practice may never make perfect, in this case, it will most certainly boost your mental health and allow you to move through life with more mastery and grace.

I’ll be back soon with the next installment of this five-part series. Be well until then!

Meditation and Mental Health – Part 1  

a person standing on a beach at sunset.

 

On October 10, 2017—recognized as World Mental Health Day—I presented a talk on meditation and mental health at Innergy Meditation in Miami Beach.  What follows is the first installment in a five-part article series I’ve written to convey the major points of this discussion.

As someone who works with and believes in the power of meditation and mindfulness, I find it heartening to see the world of modern psychology catching up to the ancient wisdom behind these practices. Meditation and mindfulness have clear applicability in the world of psychology and mental health, with abundant support for their effectiveness. My intention behind writing these articles is to offer a compelling testament of these practices that might inspire you to explore how they can strengthen and expand your mental health.

Before I go any further, I want to start by outlining two distinctions. First, when I refer to meditation, I’m referring to the formal practice of sitting in meditation, irrespective of the particular form or tradition being practiced. Whether you’re into sound bowls, mantras, or guided meditations on YouTube, the information in this article applies. My intention is to talk about the functional aspects of meditation practice that support mental health, regardless of how it’s done. Secondly, though meditation is associated with many spiritual and religious traditions, it can be practiced in a secular way. It’s possible, therefore, to gain all the mental health benefits of meditation without having to subscribe to any particular ideology, approach, or tradition.

You’ll also notice that I regularly use the word mindfulness in this discussion. I use it to refer to the fundamental facets of meditation that we carry off the cushion and into the rest of life. To put it even more specifically, I’ll use Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn’s definition of mindfulness, which is simply a practice of paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, with a spirit of acceptance and non-judgment.

Both meditation—formal sitting practice—and mindfulness—a walking, moment-to-moment practice of centering our attention in particular ways—have been demonstrated and validated by scientific study to offer a host of mental health benefits. Some of these benefits include decreased anxiety, decreased depression, decreased stress, increased attention and concentration, increased sense of empathy, and improved overall sense of general wellbeing.

To expand on some of the particular benefits of meditation and mindfulness, I’ve decided to examine their impact on five key areas of mental health. Each article in this series will focus on one of these five mental health domains, the first of which is thoughts.

Any conversation about mental health, has to include some reference to thoughts. Of course, we’re thinking beings, so much of our experience occurs in the domain of thought. And while our minds can do many forms of thinking, there are two in particular that matter significantly to our mental health. First, our minds have a remarkable time-traveling capacity. At any given moment, our thoughts can carry us into the past or the future—and, in fact, this happens all the time. While you might appear from the outside to be cooking dinner or brushing your teeth, you’re likely to be time traveling inside your mind, perhaps thinking about how awful your drive home was or how terrifying it will be to grow old. Life is happening in the present moment, right here and now, but you’re time traveling and missing all of it.

Although it can be pretty neat to hop into the time travel machine in our skulls whenever we please, it doesn’t always turn out to be so pleasant. Depression and anxiety are associated with, among other things, recurring thoughts about the past or future. When our minds insist on pulling us out of our experience and into the time travel machine, our mental health can easily be compromised.

In meditation, we practice sitting with the intention to anchor our attention in the present moment. But inevitably, our thoughts carry us into the time travel machine, and we become distracted. What our practice helps us do is notice when we’ve wandered away so we can gently bring ourselves back. This practice of noticing that we’ve drifted and intentionally bringing ourselves back is like doing brain push-ups. It conditions a mental muscle that, if we utilize it in our daily lives, can help us do less time-traveling and more connecting. Because the truth is, the present moment is usually more pleasant and manageable than where our thoughts tend to take us.

Even if your practice supports you in staying present in the here-and-now, there’s another function of your mind for you to contend with: It’s what I call the storytelling mode—the function of your mind that runs an endless stream of commentary about whatever’s happening in each moment of your life. As humans, we’re meaning-making machines; we interpret everything that happens in our lives, telling ourselves a story about it and making it mean something. And while this isn’t an altogether bad thing, if it goes unchecked, it can dampen our sense of wellbeing and threaten our mental health. Let’s say, for example, that I have a conversation with a colleague. What’s actually happening, in concrete terms, is that my colleague and I are exchanging words with one another. No big deal, right? But if my mind is so inclined, I’ll start to tell myself a story about that conversation. I might tell myself things like, “Gosh, I sounded so stupid when I was talking about this morning’s meeting. I always say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Sooner or later, they’re going to realize I’m not cut out for this job. Then they’ll fire me, and nobody else will ever hire me again. I’m going to end up jobless and alone, because everyone will think I’m a failure. I’m going to die homeless on the streets.” This dramatic, self-deprecating spiral of thoughts can run through the mind in mere seconds. It’s the kind of thing our storytelling mode does—take us from a conversation with a colleague to destitution and ruin in no time at all.

Learning to work with the storytelling mode of the mind is essential to our mental health. If we believe all the thoughts that pass through our minds—especially those based on belief systems that frame us as worthless and life as hopeless—our mental health suffers considerably. If, however, we can develop a different sort of relationship with our thoughts, we can allow them to pass through our minds without becoming disturbed, convinced, or consumed by them. We can maintain and improve our mental health by adopting simple practices that shift the way we relate to the stories in our minds.

Through both meditation and mindfulness, we can learn to observe and bear witness to our thoughts, without believing, endorsing, following, or acting upon them. We come to understand, through our own direct experience, that our thoughts are just thoughts. They aren’t truths. They aren’t commands. They don’t define who we are. In other words, we are not our thoughts. At a literal, scientific level, our thoughts are just electrical impulses in our brains that carry data in the form of words. Just because they come up in our experience doesn’t mean we have to pay attention to them. If we can stay present to what’s actually happening around us in the present moment—like the conversation with a colleague I mentioned before—we can maintain our capacity to respond to life directly, instead of through the filter of the (sometimes terrifying) stories our minds weave. We can learn to notice that all of our thoughts do the same, predictable, thing: They enter our minds, and then they leave. If we do nothing about them, they come and go, all on their own. This ability to allow thoughts to pass without attaching to them is one of the most potent outcomes of meditation and mindfulness practice—one that can stand to transform the way we experience our lives.

Since our mental health consists largely of the relationship we have to the thoughts in our minds, utilizing meditation and mindfulness to transform this relationship is a worthwhile pursuit. I invite you to take the information you’ve read here and look for ways to shift the way you relate to and respond to your thoughts, seeing what new possibilities arise. I’ll see you soon with the second installment of the series. Be well until then.

Ask a Therapist: How Can I Build My Self-Confidence?

a person's hand holding a green leaf in the woods.

Self-confidence, a cornerstone of personal and professional success, is a theme that comes up often in therapy. Undeniably, the way we feel about ourselves significantly influences how we navigate through our lives. When we lack self-confidence, we have a hard time developing solid, mutually supportive relationships with others and doing what it takes to achieve our goals. It stands to reason, then, that building more self-confidence is a worthwhile pursuit that can support a more fulfilling life. While there are many ways to go about doing this, here are a few that I’ve found to be particularly effective. 

Challenge your self-defeating beliefs. Perhaps unsurprisingly, limiting beliefs are at the core of most self-confidence struggles. From an early age, we all adopt certain beliefs about ourselves that significantly influence how capable and worthy we feel.  Many of us have formed certain self-defeating beliefs that keep us feeling small and limit our capacity to reach our potential. The best way to identify these beliefs is by noticing the thoughts that stem from them. For example, thoughts like, “I never get anything right” or “I’m just not meant to have a healthy, loving relationship” reflect core beliefs about being unworthy or unlovable. Catching belief-derived thoughts and challenging them on the spot is a crucial step in breaking down self-imposed barriers and building more self-confidence.

Pay attention to your surroundings. For a variety of reasons, humans are highly influenced by their environment and the relationships they participate in; and when it comes to self-confidence, this is especially true. If you’re surrounded by people who don’t see or bring out the best in you, you’re not likely to feel good about yourself. On the contrary, it can be incredibly affirming to have relationships with people who hold you to your highest and encourage you to be the best version of yourself. If you think you could stand to feel more confident, look around and make sure your surroundings are supportive.

Prioritize self-care. It’s no secret: When we’re well taken care of, we tend to feel good. And who better to take care of you than you yourself? One of the best ways to boost your self-confidence is to make self-care a priority. Eat foods that nourish your body and give you energy; engage in regular physical exercise to boost your mood; carve out time every week (or every day, if you’re able) to do things you love; pamper yourself in ways that make you feel good about yourself; be intentional about how you spend your time. However you go about it, make sure self-care is an integral part of your routine; because the more cared for you are, the more confident you’ll feel.

Stop comparing. Theodore Roosevelt once famously said that “comparison is the thief of joy.” Well, as it turns out, it’s the thief of self-confidence, too. In our increasingly interconnected world, we get plenty of opportunities to compare ourselves with others and feel like we’re falling short. When we measure what we know about our lives against what we assume about others’, we set ourselves up to feel deflated and defeated. We rob ourselves of the confidence that comes from knowing that we are enough. If you want to build yourself up, spend less time looking around and more time looking within. Base your sense of self-worth on internally designed standards so that nobody else’s appearances or accomplishments can rob you of it.

 Be purpose-driven. Setting and achieving goals is one of the most fulfilling and self-affirming things we can do. There’s something about deciding upon something and seeing it through that builds a sense of self-confidence and self-esteem. Even seemingly small goals, like preparing a meal or making a request at work, can make a big impact. If you’re ready to start feeling better about yourself, start getting intentional about the way you live. Get committed to designing a life that reveals a sense of purpose, and watch your self-confidence soar.

Life can be pretty challenging, but living without self-confidence can make it downright unbearable. If you struggle to feel a sense of self-worth that goes beyond what simple strategies like these can address, reach out to the support that’s available to you. You are worth it.

Uncommon Wisdom From a Common Symbol

a picture of a sunset with a yin sign in the foreground.

More than a popular tattoo choice or mindless doodle etched into countless high school notebooks, the symbol we know as the yin-yang is rich in meaning. Represented as a perfect circle divided into two parts—one black with a spot of white, the other white with a spot of black—the yin-yang holds an important place in the Chinese philosophy and religion known as Taoism. It serves as a representation of certain vital aspects of life, and offers a valuable reminder of our own nature.

The central, foundational symbolism in the yin-yang is the fluid balance of the yin and yang energies existing within everything in nature. Yin energy, referred to as the feminine energy, is represented by the black half of the circle; it is passive, yielding, and receptive. Yang energy, referred to as the masculine energy, is represented by the white half of the circle; it is active, strong, and expansive. These dualities constitute equal halves of the circle, as they are equally vital to everything in nature. Yin cannot exist without yang, just as yang cannot exist without yin. Nothing, in essence, can exist without its opposite. We can appreciate love because we understand hate. Joy is meaningless without the existence of sorrow. Life cannot be honored without an understanding of death.

In the yin-yang symbol, each half contains a small circle in the opposite color. This serves to reminds us that everything contains the seed of its opposite. There is always a little spot of light in the darkness, a little bit of darkness in the light. Nothing within the universe, within life, or within ourselves is ever completely black or white. Nothing is ever absolute.

The line along which yin and yang connect is curved instead of straight. This demonstrates that yin and yang depend on each other. It represents the never-ending, ever-flowing cycle in which these opposing energies move. The fluidity represented by the S-shaped division within the yin-yang symbol is a reminder of the harmony inherent in our nature.

Every time I see the yin-yang symbol, I’m reminded of the beautiful design of Nature, which is the same nature of which I am made. I’m reminded that the harmonious balance alive in Nature, which I can witness with my own eyes, is also alive in me. Just as water flows effortlessly, just as day predictably turns to night, so do the rhythms of my own life unfold. When I look at the yin-yang, I’m reminded that nothing is static, nothing is permanent. I’m inspired to trust the flow of Life and let myself flow with it. Instead of getting caught up in my ego’s demands, desires, and disappointments, I yield to the wisdom of the Tao—The Way, the totality, the whole that contains everything—and I peacefully surrender.

If the rich symbolic meaning of the yin-yang inspires you as much as it does me, I invite you to keep one visible for yourself. Return to it often as a gentle reminder that everything—both yin and yang, both light and dark, both pain and pleasure, both life and death—are necessary and, therefore, perfect.

Finding the Sweet Spot: Simple Steps to Getting Balanced

The desire for balance is a common theme for the modern American adult. Whether we realize it or not, we’re always striving to strike some sort of balance in our lives. We aim to find a work-life balance so we can be successful in our careers and still enjoy life. We try to balance togetherness and independence in our relationships, so we can connect with our partners and not lose ourselves in the process. We seek to balance our masculine and feminine energies, so we can allow for the expression of both sides of ourselves. We look for ways to balance how we spend our time, so we can accomplish tasks but also rest when we need it. We try to be balanced about our diets, so we can take care of our health but still eat the things we like. The struggle is real, and it’s everywhere in our lives.

My work is heavily influenced by traditions that emphasize the importance of balance, so I’m always interested in how this manifests in people’s lives. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the many demands on our time and energy, and it isn’t uncommon to think that balance is a luxury or something we’ll get around to later. But living in a balanced way supports our psychological, emotional, and physical health; and the truth is, we’re far more capable of achieving it than we tend to think. To realize this, though, we need to shift our understanding of what balance is and how it’s achieved.

A lot of us tend to conceive of balance as something static—something we gain and then keep. But in reality, balance is a dynamic process that’s always flowing. Finding balance in the various ways we live our lives is similar to finding balance in our physical bodies: We don’t reach a perfect state of balance and stay there, fixed and unmoving. When we stand on one leg, for example, we feel our body wobble and sway, tipping in one direction or the other, before correcting itself and coming back to center. Even when we think we’re completely steady in our balance, or can do it without much effort, there’s still movement involved. If you want to see what I mean, stand with both feet planted on the ground and close your eyes. You’ll notice that your body is making many micro-movements to maintain its balanced state. And so it is with the practices we carry out in our lives. There’s always some movement and adjustment involved in keeping ourselves steadily centered.

Once you understand the fluid nature of balance, it’s easier to achieve it. Small, moment-to-moment changes go a long way in getting you there. Here are a few things you can do to start feeling more balanced:

Focus on specific areas in your life that you want to find more balance in, and get clear about what that balance will look like once you’ve achieved it. This will help you get intentional about how you move through your life, shifting and adjusting as you go. Everyone has a different definition of the perfect balance, so figuring yours out is an important place to start

Develop a mindfulness practice. Be attentive to what you’re doing, and practice being aware of yourself from moment to moment. This will allow you to notice when you’re feeling imbalanced, so you can make whatever adjustments are needed. One moment you might need to take a few deep breaths or go for a jog. Another moment you might need to step it up and apply yourself to completing a few tasks. Whatever needs to happen at any particular moment to achieve that balance, you’ll be attuned to it through your mindfulness practice.

Spend time with people you think strike an optimal balance in their lives. Notice and ask about the things they do to find that balance, and try some of them on for size. Learning from others’ experiences is a powerful way to expand your perspective and open up new opportunities to live in a measured way.

Practice physical balance regularly. Be deliberate about balancing your body, and engage in yoga poses—like Garudasana (Eagle Pose) or Vrikasana (Tree Pose)— to remind you of what it feels like to be centered.

 Give yourself permission to take it one step at a time. An important part of finding balance is seeing the bigger picture and knowing that everything you do makes a difference. If you notice that you’ve tipped too far in one direction, take the opportunity to bring yourself back to center. You can do this with your work-life dynamic, your relationships, your diet and exercise routine, or the way you spend your time. The more you practice being deliberate about your actions and course correcting as you go, the more effective you’ll be at striking the balance you desire.

I’ll leave you with a 2000-year-old quote from the philosopher Epicurus to encourage your practice:

“Be moderate in order to taste the joys of life in abundance.”

Ask a Therapist: How Do I Overcome Fear?

a black and white photo of a woman with her hand over her face.

If you’ve followed my blog for a while, you probably already know that I’ve been working as a therapist for the past 10 years, serving a diversity of clients in a variety of settings. I’ve supported clients in addressing a host of issues, from minor struggles to major life crises. Along the way, I’ve had the opportunity to offer these clients some clarity and understanding about their issues that they can utilize to heal themselves. In hopes of keeping this blog relevant and using it to share practical information, I’ve decided to introduce a new series called Ask A Therapist, in which I’ll pose some of the questions I’ve been asked over the years and offer answers based on my guiding philosophy and therapeutic approach. I’ll start by answering the questions I’m most commonly asked. At the end of each post, I’ll make a request for you to pose questions of your own.

This week, I’m exploring a question I get asked pretty often: How do I overcome fear?

To answer this question, I’ve got to begin by breaking down what fear is and why it exists. Fear is a response to perceived danger or impending threat that occurs in certain types of organisms. In humans, fear manifests as a combination of emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations. Much of what happens when we’re experiencing fear has been hardwired into us for survival purposes. It’s an important response to potential threats in our environment that prepares us to fight, flee, or freeze up in order to stay alive. When we’re in real danger, our fear response enables us to stay alert and proceed with caution. Without it, we’re prey to many things in our environment, with little ability to protect ourselves. But in reality, most of the things that produce a fear response within us are not actual threats to our survival—we just perceive them to be such. This is the kind of fear that most people want to overcome, as experiencing it is unpleasant, at best, and crippling, at worst.

Knowing that there’s a difference between rational fear—the kind we experience when we’re faced with a true and imminent threat to our survival—and irrational fear—the crippling kind we create in our minds—is an important first step. Rational fear is healthy and essential; since we need a little bit of fear to help us act swiftly and protect ourselves, we don’t want to get rid of it. But the irrational fear is the kind we generally want to get past. The crucial first step in doing so is breaking the fear down in your mind. When you’re afraid of something that isn’t posing an imminent threat, it’s largely because of a story you’re telling yourself. For example, if you have a fear of public speaking, you’d begin to overcome that fear by breaking down the fear story you’ve created. It might look something like: “If I give this presentation in front of all these people, I’ll completely choke, everyone will laugh at me, and I’ll never be able to show my face in public again.” Looking closely at this fear story, it’s clear to see how irrational it is. How can you be sure that those things will happen if you speak in public? How likely is it that this story is true? Pretty unlikely. This first step in overcoming this fear, then, would be to break the fear story down and look at it more rationally. Some people do this by asking themselves, “Can I know for sure that the worst-case-scenario I’m creating in my mind will come to pass if I face this fear?” The answer will almost certainly always be “No.” So, then, what comes next?

After you’ve gotten clear about how your mind is working to get you fearful about something irrational and unlikely, you can tell yourself a more rational story and create a plan of action. Continuing with the public speaking example, you would tell yourself the truth—that you’re experiencing fear about something you’re anticipating and making up in your mind—and then create a plan of action for addressing the fear. Here’s where the most important step comes in: To overcome fear, you absolutely must confront whatever it is that’s making you fearful. But in order to not overwhelm yourself, you want to have a plan and do it in a safe way. The best way to do this is to start small, and gradually build up to bigger things. The first bit of movement in the direction of overcoming your public speaking fear would be to create a plan for speaking in front of, say, a couple of your family members, then start working your way up to a more public presentation.

Once you’ve planned for the first action you’ll take to face your fear, you’ll want to start practicing ways to manage the physical symptoms that occur when you’re feeling afraid. The best way to do this is to develop a practice of centered self-awareness and deep breathing. When you confront your first fear-inducing scenario, you’ll likely feel some unpleasant physical sensations. Manage this by learning how to breathe through it, with compassionate awareness of what’s happening in your body. Just because you feel afraid doesn’t mean anything bad is going to happen. Let yourself be with what you’re experiencing, and intentionally send your breath to all the places in your body that are registering fear.

After facing the first item on your fear scenario list, managing the sensations that arise for you in the moment, you’ll inevitably notice that you’ve survived, and that none of the catastrophes your mind made up have come to pass. This will embolden you to take the next step and more confidently confront the next scenario on your list. Repeat the previous steps until you’ve worked your way up to the scenario you’ve been most afraid of facing.

Overcoming fear is possible through simple, actionable steps; but, of course, it isn’t easy. Many people find that working with a therapist can keep them on task and offer them important support through the process. If you’ve been wanting to overcome a certain fear and would like some help, let’s set up a phone consultation to see what possibilities exist. If you want to go about it on your own, here are five steps for you to follow:

1. Break down the fear in your mind.

2. Replace the fear story with a more grounded and rational one.

3. Create a plan for confronting the fear-inducing scenario, starting with something small.

4. Learn and practice ways to manage the physical symptoms of fear.

5. Confront your first scenario and build confidence to work your way up to the one you fear most.

So, there you have it: overcoming fear in a nutshell. Have a question you’d like me to answer? Send it to me in a comment or email, and I’ll answer it in an upcoming post!

Be Careful What You Wish For

a dandelion with drops of water on it.

I recently visited a primary school and noticed an array of student assignments lining the school’s main hallway. Attracted by the bright colors and creative handwriting, I decided to take a closer look. What I saw was a collection of students’ answers to the question: What do you want to be when you grow up? I smiled as I read some of the kids’ responses—predictable ones, like doctor and astronaut, along with some surprises, like aeronautical engineer and toothpaste inventor. As much as I enjoyed seeing the fun stuff these kids came up with, I couldn’t help but feel a bit troubled by the whole thing. Of course, getting kids to think about what they want to be sparks creativity and imagination. It plants seeds of inspiration, inviting them to think about the future and consider what’s possible. But as a therapist who’s spent a lot of time working with disillusioned, distressed, and disappointed adults, I can’t help but see the other side of this well-intentioned thought exercise: It sets the tone for a life spent wishing and wanting.

Now, before you deem me cynical and stop reading, hear me out. As I mentioned before, I appreciate the value in thinking about what we want for the future. If we don’t give it any thought whatsoever, we end up aimless, with no clear direction for our lives. But at a certain point, the act of wanting can become damaging. Research in the field of Positive Psychology has demonstrated that the more we want, the more dissatisfied and unhappy we tend to be. And we don’t really need a bunch of fancy studies to tell us this is the case. If you’ve ever invested time or energy into wanting a bigger house, a better job, or a more compassionate spouse, you’ve felt the sting of not having those things now. Thinking about what we want naturally invites thoughts about what’s lacking—and this, of course, is an obvious downer. Furthermore, since wishing and wanting tend to be future-focused, they pull us out of the present moment, robbing us of our ability to be satisfied with what is. If you’ve read any of my previous blog posts, you already know how vital present-moment awareness and satisfaction are to our overall wellbeing; so while wanting is natural and somewhat necessary for our lives, we have to be aware of this particular pitfall.

Another issue that occurs when we focus on what we want is that we fail to consider the many implications associated with getting it. The expression Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it applies perfectly here. There’s a reason many lottery winners wind up depressed, broke, or suicidal. We might have a clear idea of what we want, but if we don’t consider how our lives will change when we get it, we could end up less happy than when we started. I once worked with a client who spent most of her professional life focused on retirement. She wanted to get there so badly, for so long, that it shaped her life and influenced many of her choices. When we started working together, it had been eight months since she retired, and she was completely miserable. She explained to me that in all the years of rushing toward retirement, she never considered what her life would be like once she got there. With tears flowing, she said this about her experience: “It never occurred to me that once I got to this point in my life, my parents would be dead, I’d be too tired to do the traveling I’d put off until now, and I wouldn’t have any hobbies to keep my busy mind quiet. This is nothing at all like I thought it would be.” We can learn a great deal from the examples of people like my client, who suffer as a result of getting what they once wanted. If we aren’t careful, getting what we want could be a recipe for disaster.

Above all else, the biggest reason to be mindful of what we wish for is that we’re prone to believe we’ll be happier once we acquire what we desire. Social science research has proven that thinking this way is a setup, because the more we get, the more we want. We believe that getting what we wish for will be the answer to all of our problems, granting us lifelong joy and satisfaction. But happiness happens to be an inside job; without knowing how to cultivate it internally for ourselves, no amount of money or external rewards will allow us to experience or maintain it. Considering this and the other points of caution I mentioned earlier, it’s easy to wonder whether wishing and wanting is worth the risk. But let me assure you, there’s some good news here for those willing to take heed.

Despite the potential dangers associated with wanting, there is a way to utilize it in order to enrich our lives without suffering from all the unintended, messy side effects. First, and most importantly, we have to be clear that getting what we want is not a guaranteed solution to our problems. We aren’t going to reach some utopian state of bliss once our desires manifest; life just simply doesn’t work that way. Optimal wanting starts with generating this important awareness. If happiness is what we’re after—and most of the time, it is—we’re wise to focus on how we can cultivate it right here and now, before we’ve bought the yacht, backpacked through Europe, or married our one true love. Life is always happening in the present moment, so it’s important for us to realize that while we wish, want, dream, and fantasize, our real lives are taking place. For me, there’s nothing more terrifying than the prospect of reaching the end of my life and realizing I missed out on all of it, because I was too busy thinking about what I wanted instead of appreciating what I had. Don’t let this happen to you. Set goals for your life and, by all means, get intentional about going after them. But know that everything you hope to feel when you get what you wish for is available to you right here, right now.