Meditation and Mental Health – Part 1  

a person standing on a beach at sunset.

 

On October 10, 2017—recognized as World Mental Health Day—I presented a talk on meditation and mental health at Innergy Meditation in Miami Beach.  What follows is the first installment in a five-part article series I’ve written to convey the major points of this discussion.

As someone who works with and believes in the power of meditation and mindfulness, I find it heartening to see the world of modern psychology catching up to the ancient wisdom behind these practices. Meditation and mindfulness have clear applicability in the world of psychology and mental health, with abundant support for their effectiveness. My intention behind writing these articles is to offer a compelling testament of these practices that might inspire you to explore how they can strengthen and expand your mental health.

Before I go any further, I want to start by outlining two distinctions. First, when I refer to meditation, I’m referring to the formal practice of sitting in meditation, irrespective of the particular form or tradition being practiced. Whether you’re into sound bowls, mantras, or guided meditations on YouTube, the information in this article applies. My intention is to talk about the functional aspects of meditation practice that support mental health, regardless of how it’s done. Secondly, though meditation is associated with many spiritual and religious traditions, it can be practiced in a secular way. It’s possible, therefore, to gain all the mental health benefits of meditation without having to subscribe to any particular ideology, approach, or tradition.

You’ll also notice that I regularly use the word mindfulness in this discussion. I use it to refer to the fundamental facets of meditation that we carry off the cushion and into the rest of life. To put it even more specifically, I’ll use Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn’s definition of mindfulness, which is simply a practice of paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, with a spirit of acceptance and non-judgment.

Both meditation—formal sitting practice—and mindfulness—a walking, moment-to-moment practice of centering our attention in particular ways—have been demonstrated and validated by scientific study to offer a host of mental health benefits. Some of these benefits include decreased anxiety, decreased depression, decreased stress, increased attention and concentration, increased sense of empathy, and improved overall sense of general wellbeing.

To expand on some of the particular benefits of meditation and mindfulness, I’ve decided to examine their impact on five key areas of mental health. Each article in this series will focus on one of these five mental health domains, the first of which is thoughts.

Any conversation about mental health, has to include some reference to thoughts. Of course, we’re thinking beings, so much of our experience occurs in the domain of thought. And while our minds can do many forms of thinking, there are two in particular that matter significantly to our mental health. First, our minds have a remarkable time-traveling capacity. At any given moment, our thoughts can carry us into the past or the future—and, in fact, this happens all the time. While you might appear from the outside to be cooking dinner or brushing your teeth, you’re likely to be time traveling inside your mind, perhaps thinking about how awful your drive home was or how terrifying it will be to grow old. Life is happening in the present moment, right here and now, but you’re time traveling and missing all of it.

Although it can be pretty neat to hop into the time travel machine in our skulls whenever we please, it doesn’t always turn out to be so pleasant. Depression and anxiety are associated with, among other things, recurring thoughts about the past or future. When our minds insist on pulling us out of our experience and into the time travel machine, our mental health can easily be compromised.

In meditation, we practice sitting with the intention to anchor our attention in the present moment. But inevitably, our thoughts carry us into the time travel machine, and we become distracted. What our practice helps us do is notice when we’ve wandered away so we can gently bring ourselves back. This practice of noticing that we’ve drifted and intentionally bringing ourselves back is like doing brain push-ups. It conditions a mental muscle that, if we utilize it in our daily lives, can help us do less time-traveling and more connecting. Because the truth is, the present moment is usually more pleasant and manageable than where our thoughts tend to take us.

Even if your practice supports you in staying present in the here-and-now, there’s another function of your mind for you to contend with: It’s what I call the storytelling mode—the function of your mind that runs an endless stream of commentary about whatever’s happening in each moment of your life. As humans, we’re meaning-making machines; we interpret everything that happens in our lives, telling ourselves a story about it and making it mean something. And while this isn’t an altogether bad thing, if it goes unchecked, it can dampen our sense of wellbeing and threaten our mental health. Let’s say, for example, that I have a conversation with a colleague. What’s actually happening, in concrete terms, is that my colleague and I are exchanging words with one another. No big deal, right? But if my mind is so inclined, I’ll start to tell myself a story about that conversation. I might tell myself things like, “Gosh, I sounded so stupid when I was talking about this morning’s meeting. I always say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Sooner or later, they’re going to realize I’m not cut out for this job. Then they’ll fire me, and nobody else will ever hire me again. I’m going to end up jobless and alone, because everyone will think I’m a failure. I’m going to die homeless on the streets.” This dramatic, self-deprecating spiral of thoughts can run through the mind in mere seconds. It’s the kind of thing our storytelling mode does—take us from a conversation with a colleague to destitution and ruin in no time at all.

Learning to work with the storytelling mode of the mind is essential to our mental health. If we believe all the thoughts that pass through our minds—especially those based on belief systems that frame us as worthless and life as hopeless—our mental health suffers considerably. If, however, we can develop a different sort of relationship with our thoughts, we can allow them to pass through our minds without becoming disturbed, convinced, or consumed by them. We can maintain and improve our mental health by adopting simple practices that shift the way we relate to the stories in our minds.

Through both meditation and mindfulness, we can learn to observe and bear witness to our thoughts, without believing, endorsing, following, or acting upon them. We come to understand, through our own direct experience, that our thoughts are just thoughts. They aren’t truths. They aren’t commands. They don’t define who we are. In other words, we are not our thoughts. At a literal, scientific level, our thoughts are just electrical impulses in our brains that carry data in the form of words. Just because they come up in our experience doesn’t mean we have to pay attention to them. If we can stay present to what’s actually happening around us in the present moment—like the conversation with a colleague I mentioned before—we can maintain our capacity to respond to life directly, instead of through the filter of the (sometimes terrifying) stories our minds weave. We can learn to notice that all of our thoughts do the same, predictable, thing: They enter our minds, and then they leave. If we do nothing about them, they come and go, all on their own. This ability to allow thoughts to pass without attaching to them is one of the most potent outcomes of meditation and mindfulness practice—one that can stand to transform the way we experience our lives.

Since our mental health consists largely of the relationship we have to the thoughts in our minds, utilizing meditation and mindfulness to transform this relationship is a worthwhile pursuit. I invite you to take the information you’ve read here and look for ways to shift the way you relate to and respond to your thoughts, seeing what new possibilities arise. I’ll see you soon with the second installment of the series. Be well until then.

Ask a Therapist: How Can I Build My Self-Confidence?

a person's hand holding a green leaf in the woods.

Self-confidence, a cornerstone of personal and professional success, is a theme that comes up often in therapy. Undeniably, the way we feel about ourselves significantly influences how we navigate through our lives. When we lack self-confidence, we have a hard time developing solid, mutually supportive relationships with others and doing what it takes to achieve our goals. It stands to reason, then, that building more self-confidence is a worthwhile pursuit that can support a more fulfilling life. While there are many ways to go about doing this, here are a few that I’ve found to be particularly effective. 

Challenge your self-defeating beliefs. Perhaps unsurprisingly, limiting beliefs are at the core of most self-confidence struggles. From an early age, we all adopt certain beliefs about ourselves that significantly influence how capable and worthy we feel.  Many of us have formed certain self-defeating beliefs that keep us feeling small and limit our capacity to reach our potential. The best way to identify these beliefs is by noticing the thoughts that stem from them. For example, thoughts like, “I never get anything right” or “I’m just not meant to have a healthy, loving relationship” reflect core beliefs about being unworthy or unlovable. Catching belief-derived thoughts and challenging them on the spot is a crucial step in breaking down self-imposed barriers and building more self-confidence.

Pay attention to your surroundings. For a variety of reasons, humans are highly influenced by their environment and the relationships they participate in; and when it comes to self-confidence, this is especially true. If you’re surrounded by people who don’t see or bring out the best in you, you’re not likely to feel good about yourself. On the contrary, it can be incredibly affirming to have relationships with people who hold you to your highest and encourage you to be the best version of yourself. If you think you could stand to feel more confident, look around and make sure your surroundings are supportive.

Prioritize self-care. It’s no secret: When we’re well taken care of, we tend to feel good. And who better to take care of you than you yourself? One of the best ways to boost your self-confidence is to make self-care a priority. Eat foods that nourish your body and give you energy; engage in regular physical exercise to boost your mood; carve out time every week (or every day, if you’re able) to do things you love; pamper yourself in ways that make you feel good about yourself; be intentional about how you spend your time. However you go about it, make sure self-care is an integral part of your routine; because the more cared for you are, the more confident you’ll feel.

Stop comparing. Theodore Roosevelt once famously said that “comparison is the thief of joy.” Well, as it turns out, it’s the thief of self-confidence, too. In our increasingly interconnected world, we get plenty of opportunities to compare ourselves with others and feel like we’re falling short. When we measure what we know about our lives against what we assume about others’, we set ourselves up to feel deflated and defeated. We rob ourselves of the confidence that comes from knowing that we are enough. If you want to build yourself up, spend less time looking around and more time looking within. Base your sense of self-worth on internally designed standards so that nobody else’s appearances or accomplishments can rob you of it.

 Be purpose-driven. Setting and achieving goals is one of the most fulfilling and self-affirming things we can do. There’s something about deciding upon something and seeing it through that builds a sense of self-confidence and self-esteem. Even seemingly small goals, like preparing a meal or making a request at work, can make a big impact. If you’re ready to start feeling better about yourself, start getting intentional about the way you live. Get committed to designing a life that reveals a sense of purpose, and watch your self-confidence soar.

Life can be pretty challenging, but living without self-confidence can make it downright unbearable. If you struggle to feel a sense of self-worth that goes beyond what simple strategies like these can address, reach out to the support that’s available to you. You are worth it.

Uncommon Wisdom From a Common Symbol

a picture of a sunset with a yin sign in the foreground.

More than a popular tattoo choice or mindless doodle etched into countless high school notebooks, the symbol we know as the yin-yang is rich in meaning. Represented as a perfect circle divided into two parts—one black with a spot of white, the other white with a spot of black—the yin-yang holds an important place in the Chinese philosophy and religion known as Taoism. It serves as a representation of certain vital aspects of life, and offers a valuable reminder of our own nature.

The central, foundational symbolism in the yin-yang is the fluid balance of the yin and yang energies existing within everything in nature. Yin energy, referred to as the feminine energy, is represented by the black half of the circle; it is passive, yielding, and receptive. Yang energy, referred to as the masculine energy, is represented by the white half of the circle; it is active, strong, and expansive. These dualities constitute equal halves of the circle, as they are equally vital to everything in nature. Yin cannot exist without yang, just as yang cannot exist without yin. Nothing, in essence, can exist without its opposite. We can appreciate love because we understand hate. Joy is meaningless without the existence of sorrow. Life cannot be honored without an understanding of death.

In the yin-yang symbol, each half contains a small circle in the opposite color. This serves to reminds us that everything contains the seed of its opposite. There is always a little spot of light in the darkness, a little bit of darkness in the light. Nothing within the universe, within life, or within ourselves is ever completely black or white. Nothing is ever absolute.

The line along which yin and yang connect is curved instead of straight. This demonstrates that yin and yang depend on each other. It represents the never-ending, ever-flowing cycle in which these opposing energies move. The fluidity represented by the S-shaped division within the yin-yang symbol is a reminder of the harmony inherent in our nature.

Every time I see the yin-yang symbol, I’m reminded of the beautiful design of Nature, which is the same nature of which I am made. I’m reminded that the harmonious balance alive in Nature, which I can witness with my own eyes, is also alive in me. Just as water flows effortlessly, just as day predictably turns to night, so do the rhythms of my own life unfold. When I look at the yin-yang, I’m reminded that nothing is static, nothing is permanent. I’m inspired to trust the flow of Life and let myself flow with it. Instead of getting caught up in my ego’s demands, desires, and disappointments, I yield to the wisdom of the Tao—The Way, the totality, the whole that contains everything—and I peacefully surrender.

If the rich symbolic meaning of the yin-yang inspires you as much as it does me, I invite you to keep one visible for yourself. Return to it often as a gentle reminder that everything—both yin and yang, both light and dark, both pain and pleasure, both life and death—are necessary and, therefore, perfect.

Finding the Sweet Spot: Simple Steps to Getting Balanced

The desire for balance is a common theme for the modern American adult. Whether we realize it or not, we’re always striving to strike some sort of balance in our lives. We aim to find a work-life balance so we can be successful in our careers and still enjoy life. We try to balance togetherness and independence in our relationships, so we can connect with our partners and not lose ourselves in the process. We seek to balance our masculine and feminine energies, so we can allow for the expression of both sides of ourselves. We look for ways to balance how we spend our time, so we can accomplish tasks but also rest when we need it. We try to be balanced about our diets, so we can take care of our health but still eat the things we like. The struggle is real, and it’s everywhere in our lives.

My work is heavily influenced by traditions that emphasize the importance of balance, so I’m always interested in how this manifests in people’s lives. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the many demands on our time and energy, and it isn’t uncommon to think that balance is a luxury or something we’ll get around to later. But living in a balanced way supports our psychological, emotional, and physical health; and the truth is, we’re far more capable of achieving it than we tend to think. To realize this, though, we need to shift our understanding of what balance is and how it’s achieved.

A lot of us tend to conceive of balance as something static—something we gain and then keep. But in reality, balance is a dynamic process that’s always flowing. Finding balance in the various ways we live our lives is similar to finding balance in our physical bodies: We don’t reach a perfect state of balance and stay there, fixed and unmoving. When we stand on one leg, for example, we feel our body wobble and sway, tipping in one direction or the other, before correcting itself and coming back to center. Even when we think we’re completely steady in our balance, or can do it without much effort, there’s still movement involved. If you want to see what I mean, stand with both feet planted on the ground and close your eyes. You’ll notice that your body is making many micro-movements to maintain its balanced state. And so it is with the practices we carry out in our lives. There’s always some movement and adjustment involved in keeping ourselves steadily centered.

Once you understand the fluid nature of balance, it’s easier to achieve it. Small, moment-to-moment changes go a long way in getting you there. Here are a few things you can do to start feeling more balanced:

Focus on specific areas in your life that you want to find more balance in, and get clear about what that balance will look like once you’ve achieved it. This will help you get intentional about how you move through your life, shifting and adjusting as you go. Everyone has a different definition of the perfect balance, so figuring yours out is an important place to start

Develop a mindfulness practice. Be attentive to what you’re doing, and practice being aware of yourself from moment to moment. This will allow you to notice when you’re feeling imbalanced, so you can make whatever adjustments are needed. One moment you might need to take a few deep breaths or go for a jog. Another moment you might need to step it up and apply yourself to completing a few tasks. Whatever needs to happen at any particular moment to achieve that balance, you’ll be attuned to it through your mindfulness practice.

Spend time with people you think strike an optimal balance in their lives. Notice and ask about the things they do to find that balance, and try some of them on for size. Learning from others’ experiences is a powerful way to expand your perspective and open up new opportunities to live in a measured way.

Practice physical balance regularly. Be deliberate about balancing your body, and engage in yoga poses—like Garudasana (Eagle Pose) or Vrikasana (Tree Pose)— to remind you of what it feels like to be centered.

 Give yourself permission to take it one step at a time. An important part of finding balance is seeing the bigger picture and knowing that everything you do makes a difference. If you notice that you’ve tipped too far in one direction, take the opportunity to bring yourself back to center. You can do this with your work-life dynamic, your relationships, your diet and exercise routine, or the way you spend your time. The more you practice being deliberate about your actions and course correcting as you go, the more effective you’ll be at striking the balance you desire.

I’ll leave you with a 2000-year-old quote from the philosopher Epicurus to encourage your practice:

“Be moderate in order to taste the joys of life in abundance.”

Ask a Therapist: How Do I Overcome Fear?

a black and white photo of a woman with her hand over her face.

If you’ve followed my blog for a while, you probably already know that I’ve been working as a therapist for the past 10 years, serving a diversity of clients in a variety of settings. I’ve supported clients in addressing a host of issues, from minor struggles to major life crises. Along the way, I’ve had the opportunity to offer these clients some clarity and understanding about their issues that they can utilize to heal themselves. In hopes of keeping this blog relevant and using it to share practical information, I’ve decided to introduce a new series called Ask A Therapist, in which I’ll pose some of the questions I’ve been asked over the years and offer answers based on my guiding philosophy and therapeutic approach. I’ll start by answering the questions I’m most commonly asked. At the end of each post, I’ll make a request for you to pose questions of your own.

This week, I’m exploring a question I get asked pretty often: How do I overcome fear?

To answer this question, I’ve got to begin by breaking down what fear is and why it exists. Fear is a response to perceived danger or impending threat that occurs in certain types of organisms. In humans, fear manifests as a combination of emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations. Much of what happens when we’re experiencing fear has been hardwired into us for survival purposes. It’s an important response to potential threats in our environment that prepares us to fight, flee, or freeze up in order to stay alive. When we’re in real danger, our fear response enables us to stay alert and proceed with caution. Without it, we’re prey to many things in our environment, with little ability to protect ourselves. But in reality, most of the things that produce a fear response within us are not actual threats to our survival—we just perceive them to be such. This is the kind of fear that most people want to overcome, as experiencing it is unpleasant, at best, and crippling, at worst.

Knowing that there’s a difference between rational fear—the kind we experience when we’re faced with a true and imminent threat to our survival—and irrational fear—the crippling kind we create in our minds—is an important first step. Rational fear is healthy and essential; since we need a little bit of fear to help us act swiftly and protect ourselves, we don’t want to get rid of it. But the irrational fear is the kind we generally want to get past. The crucial first step in doing so is breaking the fear down in your mind. When you’re afraid of something that isn’t posing an imminent threat, it’s largely because of a story you’re telling yourself. For example, if you have a fear of public speaking, you’d begin to overcome that fear by breaking down the fear story you’ve created. It might look something like: “If I give this presentation in front of all these people, I’ll completely choke, everyone will laugh at me, and I’ll never be able to show my face in public again.” Looking closely at this fear story, it’s clear to see how irrational it is. How can you be sure that those things will happen if you speak in public? How likely is it that this story is true? Pretty unlikely. This first step in overcoming this fear, then, would be to break the fear story down and look at it more rationally. Some people do this by asking themselves, “Can I know for sure that the worst-case-scenario I’m creating in my mind will come to pass if I face this fear?” The answer will almost certainly always be “No.” So, then, what comes next?

After you’ve gotten clear about how your mind is working to get you fearful about something irrational and unlikely, you can tell yourself a more rational story and create a plan of action. Continuing with the public speaking example, you would tell yourself the truth—that you’re experiencing fear about something you’re anticipating and making up in your mind—and then create a plan of action for addressing the fear. Here’s where the most important step comes in: To overcome fear, you absolutely must confront whatever it is that’s making you fearful. But in order to not overwhelm yourself, you want to have a plan and do it in a safe way. The best way to do this is to start small, and gradually build up to bigger things. The first bit of movement in the direction of overcoming your public speaking fear would be to create a plan for speaking in front of, say, a couple of your family members, then start working your way up to a more public presentation.

Once you’ve planned for the first action you’ll take to face your fear, you’ll want to start practicing ways to manage the physical symptoms that occur when you’re feeling afraid. The best way to do this is to develop a practice of centered self-awareness and deep breathing. When you confront your first fear-inducing scenario, you’ll likely feel some unpleasant physical sensations. Manage this by learning how to breathe through it, with compassionate awareness of what’s happening in your body. Just because you feel afraid doesn’t mean anything bad is going to happen. Let yourself be with what you’re experiencing, and intentionally send your breath to all the places in your body that are registering fear.

After facing the first item on your fear scenario list, managing the sensations that arise for you in the moment, you’ll inevitably notice that you’ve survived, and that none of the catastrophes your mind made up have come to pass. This will embolden you to take the next step and more confidently confront the next scenario on your list. Repeat the previous steps until you’ve worked your way up to the scenario you’ve been most afraid of facing.

Overcoming fear is possible through simple, actionable steps; but, of course, it isn’t easy. Many people find that working with a therapist can keep them on task and offer them important support through the process. If you’ve been wanting to overcome a certain fear and would like some help, let’s set up a phone consultation to see what possibilities exist. If you want to go about it on your own, here are five steps for you to follow:

1. Break down the fear in your mind.

2. Replace the fear story with a more grounded and rational one.

3. Create a plan for confronting the fear-inducing scenario, starting with something small.

4. Learn and practice ways to manage the physical symptoms of fear.

5. Confront your first scenario and build confidence to work your way up to the one you fear most.

So, there you have it: overcoming fear in a nutshell. Have a question you’d like me to answer? Send it to me in a comment or email, and I’ll answer it in an upcoming post!

Be Careful What You Wish For

a dandelion with drops of water on it.

I recently visited a primary school and noticed an array of student assignments lining the school’s main hallway. Attracted by the bright colors and creative handwriting, I decided to take a closer look. What I saw was a collection of students’ answers to the question: What do you want to be when you grow up? I smiled as I read some of the kids’ responses—predictable ones, like doctor and astronaut, along with some surprises, like aeronautical engineer and toothpaste inventor. As much as I enjoyed seeing the fun stuff these kids came up with, I couldn’t help but feel a bit troubled by the whole thing. Of course, getting kids to think about what they want to be sparks creativity and imagination. It plants seeds of inspiration, inviting them to think about the future and consider what’s possible. But as a therapist who’s spent a lot of time working with disillusioned, distressed, and disappointed adults, I can’t help but see the other side of this well-intentioned thought exercise: It sets the tone for a life spent wishing and wanting.

Now, before you deem me cynical and stop reading, hear me out. As I mentioned before, I appreciate the value in thinking about what we want for the future. If we don’t give it any thought whatsoever, we end up aimless, with no clear direction for our lives. But at a certain point, the act of wanting can become damaging. Research in the field of Positive Psychology has demonstrated that the more we want, the more dissatisfied and unhappy we tend to be. And we don’t really need a bunch of fancy studies to tell us this is the case. If you’ve ever invested time or energy into wanting a bigger house, a better job, or a more compassionate spouse, you’ve felt the sting of not having those things now. Thinking about what we want naturally invites thoughts about what’s lacking—and this, of course, is an obvious downer. Furthermore, since wishing and wanting tend to be future-focused, they pull us out of the present moment, robbing us of our ability to be satisfied with what is. If you’ve read any of my previous blog posts, you already know how vital present-moment awareness and satisfaction are to our overall wellbeing; so while wanting is natural and somewhat necessary for our lives, we have to be aware of this particular pitfall.

Another issue that occurs when we focus on what we want is that we fail to consider the many implications associated with getting it. The expression Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it applies perfectly here. There’s a reason many lottery winners wind up depressed, broke, or suicidal. We might have a clear idea of what we want, but if we don’t consider how our lives will change when we get it, we could end up less happy than when we started. I once worked with a client who spent most of her professional life focused on retirement. She wanted to get there so badly, for so long, that it shaped her life and influenced many of her choices. When we started working together, it had been eight months since she retired, and she was completely miserable. She explained to me that in all the years of rushing toward retirement, she never considered what her life would be like once she got there. With tears flowing, she said this about her experience: “It never occurred to me that once I got to this point in my life, my parents would be dead, I’d be too tired to do the traveling I’d put off until now, and I wouldn’t have any hobbies to keep my busy mind quiet. This is nothing at all like I thought it would be.” We can learn a great deal from the examples of people like my client, who suffer as a result of getting what they once wanted. If we aren’t careful, getting what we want could be a recipe for disaster.

Above all else, the biggest reason to be mindful of what we wish for is that we’re prone to believe we’ll be happier once we acquire what we desire. Social science research has proven that thinking this way is a setup, because the more we get, the more we want. We believe that getting what we wish for will be the answer to all of our problems, granting us lifelong joy and satisfaction. But happiness happens to be an inside job; without knowing how to cultivate it internally for ourselves, no amount of money or external rewards will allow us to experience or maintain it. Considering this and the other points of caution I mentioned earlier, it’s easy to wonder whether wishing and wanting is worth the risk. But let me assure you, there’s some good news here for those willing to take heed.

Despite the potential dangers associated with wanting, there is a way to utilize it in order to enrich our lives without suffering from all the unintended, messy side effects. First, and most importantly, we have to be clear that getting what we want is not a guaranteed solution to our problems. We aren’t going to reach some utopian state of bliss once our desires manifest; life just simply doesn’t work that way. Optimal wanting starts with generating this important awareness. If happiness is what we’re after—and most of the time, it is—we’re wise to focus on how we can cultivate it right here and now, before we’ve bought the yacht, backpacked through Europe, or married our one true love. Life is always happening in the present moment, so it’s important for us to realize that while we wish, want, dream, and fantasize, our real lives are taking place. For me, there’s nothing more terrifying than the prospect of reaching the end of my life and realizing I missed out on all of it, because I was too busy thinking about what I wanted instead of appreciating what I had. Don’t let this happen to you. Set goals for your life and, by all means, get intentional about going after them. But know that everything you hope to feel when you get what you wish for is available to you right here, right now.

Let It Hurt, Let It Heal

a large wave is breaking in the ocean.

On any given day in the US, nearly 700,000 prescriptions are dispensed for pain medications. If this number seems staggering to you, that’s because it is—especially when you consider that rates of opioid addiction and overdose in this country are at an all-time high. What can start as a pill here or there to manage pain can quickly unravel into a debilitating dependence. We don’t tend to (or want to) think about it this way, but many of the people who die from heroin overdoses started out in a doctor’s office. We’ve got a troubling epidemic on our hands in this country, and for the last several years of my career, I’ve been on its harrowing front lines.

I’ve worked with many people suffering from addiction to opioids and other substances; and while I treat each of my clients according to their unique circumstances, I often find that my conversations with them venture into familiar territory. One of the topics that comes up most often when I speak to these clients is a common one that also comes up when I speak to my other, non-addicted clients. That’s because it’s a topic that relates much more to the human experience in general than to the unique experience of becoming an addict.

The topic I’m referring to is pain. Not just physical pain, of course. I’m talking about the pain of everyday living. From momentary sadness to crippling regret; from a broken heart after a breakup to the devastating loss of a close companion. No matter who you are, no matter how fortunate you’ve been, pain is (or surely will be) part of your reality. And the truth is, your mental health and overall capacity to function in your life depend critically on your ability to effectively manage it. When I see the overwhelming numbers of people losing their lives and their loved ones to addiction every day in this country, I can’t help but think about how different things might be if we could all learn more adaptive ways to manage discomfort and cope with the tough stuff. People are suffering—and far too many of them are doing so in an effort to avoid feeling pain.

Though not everyone turns to substances, we all have ways of seeking to numb ourselves and avoid facing the parts of life that feel uncomfortable and unpleasant. We overeat, oversleep, overwork, or otherwise disconnect from our experience in the moment. And, in some ways, this makes sense. Pain avoidance is woven into the fabric of what makes us human, so it’s only natural that we look for ways to make ourselves feel better whenever pain arises. The problem is, instant gratification and immediate relief are terrible long-term strategies. They serve to lower our tolerance to pain so that we’re less equipped (and more afraid) to manage it the next time it comes up. It’s no wonder our society is more obese, addicted, and depressed than ever before. Our efforts to tune out and feel good in the moment only end up harming us in the long-run.

Life transforms dramatically when we learn to let ourselves feel pain. Trust me; I make a living helping people through this process. Many people spend their lives developing strategies—both consciously and unconsciously—to resist and avoid pain. But this is the worst thing we can do with painful emotions once they’ve arisen. The resistance only serves to strengthen the pain, making it harder for us to move through it. Think about how difficult it is to swim upstream. When you resist the current and try to move in the opposite direction of where it’s flowing, you make the journey to your destination much more difficult. You get stuck. You wear yourself out from the effort. When, however, you move in the direction of the current—going with what’s already flowing—you move much more swiftly. This is the way it works with our emotions, too. Though we’re naturally inclined to resist feeling painful emotions like anger, sadness, regret, or loneliness, we can move through them much more quickly and easily when we allow ourselves to feel them—going with the current, so to speak—than when we resist.

Our society compels us to believe that we should always turn that frown upside-down or find the silver lining on every dark cloud. But the truth is, life is as much about the difficulties as it is about the triumphs—as much about the happy feelings as the painful ones. Pain takes on a whole new meaning when we can learn to greet it and keep it company. Once we learn to let it hurt, we’ve taken the first step to letting it heal.

If something hurts for a while, or you experience difficult emotions every time you think about a particular part of your life, it doesn’t mean something’s wrong. Hurting is part of healing, and sometimes the healing process takes longer than we’d want or expect it to. If you find yourself stuck in this process and unsure how to manage it on your own, know that support is available to you. I sometimes think of myself as a tour guide or compassionate companion along the journey through pain; I’d be honored to keep you company. But whether or not you work with someone through this process or go it alone, trust that your efforts to make contact with your pain will lead you down the path toward healing. And not only will you heal, you’ll also strengthen your ability to face life courageously and open-heartedly, knowing you can handle whatever comes your way.

If we choose to see it this way, being in pain can serve as an opportunity for us to be with ourselves, slowing down and tuning in to our experience so we can move through it as gracefully as possible, learning what’s there for us to learn along the way. I invite you to begin the process of letting your painful emotions come and go; allow yourself to flow through them, supported by the knowledge that they will pass, so long as you let them.

What Can Only Be Gained When You’re Willing to Venture

a person standing on top of a mountain.

Working on this blog post is a particular treat for me. As I write, I’m sitting on a beautiful terrace overlooking a landscape I couldn’t have imagined in my sweetest dreams. It’s the end of a two-week journey I’ve spent traveling through a part of the world that isn’t exactly a popular tourist destination; and I can’t help but smile as I think about everything that led up to this moment. You see, I’ve spent these two weeks in a corner of the world that’s appeared in countless international news headlines. A dark specter of terror hangs over it. When I first began sharing with people that I’d be traveling here, most of them thought I was crazy. Their responses to my travel plans ranged from bewilderment to outrage. Some couldn’t understand why I’d chosen such a controversial destination; others projected their own fears onto me. But a few of the people I told were excited about the adventure ahead of me. And those people had something very specific in common with each other: They’re accustomed to seeking new experiences outside their comfort zones.

I, like the people who supported my decision to visit this part of the world, believe that in order to experience life at its fullest and richest, we must challenge and stretch ourselves. We must reach beyond our modes of everyday living in order to access new experiences, new perspectives, new ways of being in the world. My choice to travel to a destination that had many people shaking their heads has paid off tremendously. It’s been a liberating adventure filled with countless discoveries and profound insights. It’s been fascinating, freeing, and unforgettable. Most importantly, it’s been nothing at all like what the naysayers told me it would be.

This adventure I’ve been enjoying has served as a reminder that there’s always a pot of gold awaiting us on the other side of our fears, doubts, and self-imposed limitations. Life gets so much bigger, so much more thrilling, when we move beyond the confines of our comfort and get intentional about seeing what else is out there. Of course, the kind of expansion I’m talking about can be experienced by traveling to new destinations; but getting on an airplane isn’t a requirement. There are countless ways to access it, and everyone’s process will look and feel different. What matters is the spirit with which these life-expanding experiences are approached, and the questions that guide the journey of discovery: What do you want to see that you haven’t yet seen? What does life look like outside the boundaries of your customary way of living? Who do you get to be to explore the world in a new and different way? What are you willing to risk in order to live the life of your dreams?

As humans, we’re driven to seek comfort in what’s familiar to us. We create habits, structure our lives in repetitive and routine ways, follow predictable patterns, and limit our options to keep ourselves safe. Now, there’s nothing wrong with this natural tendency to stick with what we know; but anyone who wants to get more out of life must be willing to get a little uncomfortable. As personal achievement philosopher Jim Rohn put it, “If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary.” Most of us would love to have exciting, extraordinary lives. But are we willing to step into unfamiliar territory to have it happen? Are we up for ignoring the naysayers and redefining what’s possible? Are we ready to stop settling and start daring greatly to get what we want? Though not everybody sees it this way, the possibilities for our lives are truly endless. We are not who we think we are, and the limitations we place on ourselves are almost always make believe.

You’ve heard it before: nothing ventured, nothing gained. But are you willing to live into this truth? What is the life you envision for yourself? What’s been stopping you from getting it? Maybe the biggest adventure of your life is awaiting you in a coffee shop on the other side of town. Maybe saying hello to the stranger behind you at the checkout line will change your life forever. Maybe you’ll apply for that job, make that phone call, book that flight, get that haircut, tell that person what you’ve been wanting to say. Maybe today will be the day you stand boldly in your declaration to live as fully and freely as you can—no matter what it costs you to do it. You probably don’t need to be reminded that life is short, and every moment matters. Let this nod of encouragement and gentle, loving push to take risks and live courageously propel you into your next big adventure. Aren’t you eager to see all the greatness life has in store for you?

From Panic to Peace: Learning to Manage and Minimize Anxiety

the sun is setting over a body of water.

The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that 18.1% of the US population suffers from chronic anxiety. But that number only includes those individuals who have been formally diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. The percentage of people who get anxious but don’t meet criteria for a formal disorder is much, much higher. That’s because anxiety is a natural human response to life circumstances. Though it affects everyone differently, it’s a pretty universal fact of life. At some point in our lives, we’ll all experience some form of anxiety. The question is, how do we manage it?

Inevitably, I end up talking to most of my clients about ways they can cope with the natural anxiety that arises in the course of everyday life. Whether it’s managing impossible demands and deadlines at work or waiting for medical test results, there’s always something in their path that they want to deal with as effectively and steadily as possible. The work we do in therapy or coaching to help them achieve this objective is twofold—first, we address their relationship to the issue provoking their anxiety; then we work on helping them be with and cope with the anxiety itself . Since everyone responds differently to anxiety, I always engage in unique conversations with my clients and tailor unique interventions to help them manage it. But there are a few general suggestions that are broadly applicable. I’ll share them with you here in hopes that they support you the next time anxiety gets you in its grips.

  1. Be Present to What’s Happening. As I mentioned before, the first part of managing anxiety is getting clear about what’s causing it in the first place. This means being highly attuned to your experience, paying attention to what you’re encountering in the world and the feelings it’s provoking within you. One of my clients speaks to me often about her boss—a perpetually stressed out small business owner—and the effect he has on her. For a long time, she’d come home from work completely depleted, having spent most of the 8-hour workday in a state of anxiety. It wasn’t until we began working together that she was able to identify what was happening throughout the course of the day to get her in such a state. Once she recognized that her interactions with her boss were the source of her anxiety, she was able to create a shift in her experience. The awareness my client demonstrated is the first step to managing anxiety. The more aware you are of your day-to-day experiences and how they affect you, the greater chance you’ll have of minimizing your anxiety. It helps to have a mindfulness practice, remaining as grounded as possible in the present moment and attuned to what’s unfolding within it. When you’re mindful of what’s happening around you, you can quickly notice what’s occurring and prepare to deal with it as effectively as possible. A mindfulness practice will also help with being aware of how anxiety feels and moves through you. As you become familiar with the signs of anxiety—especially the initial ones—you can get better and better at stopping it from progressing. Being present to what’s happening and maintaining an in-the-moment awareness of your experience will support you with responding in a calm and measured way to your anxiety triggers.
  1. Check Your Breathing. One of the first questions I ask my clients when we’re addressing the topic of anxiety is, “How good are you at noticing your breath?” Most people look at me quizzically, because their breath isn’t something they think about often. This might be true of you, too. How aware are you of your breath right now? I’ll bet that you’re much more aware of it at this moment than you’ve been at any other point throughout your day. And that’s okay. Most of us tend not to pay much attention to our breath. But getting connected to the breath is one of the best ways to manage and diminish anxiety. Most adults do a pretty poor job of breathing. It might sound silly, but it’s the truth. We breathe enough to keep ourselves alive, but not enough to get the maximum value out of each inhale and exhale. And when we’re anxious, our breath gets even more superficial. Most people—whether they suffer from acute anxiety or deal with the typical nervousness and stress of everyday living—find that taking a few deep, mindful breaths goes a long way in soothing and relaxing them. Once you get present to your experience, as I spoke about previously, it’s time to get connected to your breath. Find the spot in your body where you’re most aware of your breath. It might be your nostrils, or your chest, or your belly. Once you connect with it, breathe intentionally, tracking the movement of your breath throughout your body. Make an effort to take deep, belly breaths—the same way a baby does. As you inhale, let your belly expand. As the air moves through you, feel your chest opening and your shoulders slightly lifting. Hold your breath at the top for just a moment, and then slowly and intentionally exhale, feeling your body relax and your belly button move toward your spine when the breath is complete. I promise that just three of these intentional breaths will have you feeling calmer, more relaxed, and much less anxious than you began. Breathing deeply sends more oxygen to your brain, stimulates the part of your nervous system responsible for promoting relaxation, and calms your body down. Furthermore, when you pay attention to your breath, you shift your attention away from the flood of thoughts that tends to accompany stress and anxiety. Your breath is one of the most potent tools for anxiety relief, and it helps significantly if you use it often. So find a way to make mindful breathing a regular practice. I always recommend to my clients that they set reminders in their phones to go off at various times throughout the day, reminding them to slow down, take a few deep breaths, and get connected. Practicing this often will help you maintain a lower baseline of arousal and will come in handy whenever you get anxious.
  1. Check Your Thinking. In the course of a typical day, you’re likely to come across plenty of people, events, and situations that have the potential to trigger anxiety. But getting anxious is really an inside job. What I mean is that the way we think about those people, events, and situations is what determines whether or not we get anxious. Psychologist Aaron Beck, known as the father of Cognitive Therapy, identified a series of cognitive distortions—a.k.a. irrational ways of thinking—that trigger and exacerbate stress and anxiety. Some of these distortions include the following:
  • All or Nothing Thinking – seeing things in a rigid, either/or kind of way (e.g., “If I don’t get every question right on this test, I’m a total failure.”)
  • Personalization – taking things personally; blaming yourself for things that are out of your control (e.g., “My colleague was in a bad mood today because I’m not pulling my weight enough around here.” )
  • Catastrophizing – anticipating and predicting the worst; filling in the blanks of uncertainty with doomsday predictions (e.g., “I’m going to get fired if I don’t make it to work on time today, and nobody will ever hire me in this industry again.”)
  • Magnifying – exaggerating and blowing things out of proportion (e.g., “These expense reports are a mess. This is way too much work for me to handle. I’m never going to get this all done in time. This always happens. I can’t deal with it!”)

When you familiarize yourself with these cognitive distortions and other irrational lines of thinking, you can catch yourself and redirect your thinking, thus minimizing or halting your anxiety.

  1. Take Your Time Responding. When you’re anxious, a false sense of urgency can arise, prompting you to react hastily when it isn’t necessary to do so. Your thoughts move more quickly than usual in an anxious state, so it’s easy to become impulsive and feel as though you need to take immediate action. But this isn’t the case. You’re much likelier to respond effectively to a situation if you’re thinking clearly and taking your time. When you’re anxious, you’re essentially handicapped; your emotions are turned up, and it’s difficult to think clearly and rationally. When something triggers your anxiety, go slowly and deliberately through the process of responding. Think carefully and critically about how you want to make sense of what’s happening; then move forward with intention. Following the three suggestions above will support you in getting centered so you can reflect on your response to the situation at hand. One of my clients told me just this week that learning to go slow when she’s anxious has made a monumental change in her life. As she explained it, “When I notice the first signs of anxiety, I start paying attention to how I’m breathing and what assumptions I’m having about what’s going on. It slows me down so I don’t just freak out like I used to and feel out of control. It makes me feel powerful to be able to think clearly and not do things I regret because I’m anxious or worked up.” Like my client, you can learn to go slow and get in the driver’s seat of your experience when anxiety arises. This—as my client put it—is a pretty powerful thing.

Norman Mailer said that “the natural role of twentieth century [wo]man is anxiety.” He’s right. If we’re not acting with awareness, it’s easy for us to be driven blindly by anxiety. But being aware is a process and a practice; and when we engage in it deliberately and systematically, we can minimize our anxiety and navigate through our lives with more peace, presence, and purpose.

The Making of a Mind Master

a silhouette of a bird flying over a palm tree.

In his bestselling book, The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, author Robin Sharma wisely states: “The mind is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master.” The simple wisdom of these words speaks to the heart of the human experience, for to be human is to be in constant thought. It is to live inside an endless loop of inner chitter chatter about everything that is, was, and ever could be. Without the light of our awareness and the spirit of our conscious intention, we are bound to be the servants of our minds. And most of us know what it feels like to live this way, at the mercy of our own thoughts, consumed by the contents of our minds. But through subtle shifts in attention and the implementation of simple practices, we can enter a new relationship with our minds, becoming their masters and wielding their greatest potential.

Our minds are remarkably powerful, and they’re particularly good at three specific things: storytelling, meaning making, and time traveling. As a therapist and coach, I know all too well how heavily these functions of mind can impact people’s lives. When the mind is the master, the stories it tells, the meanings it makes, and the places it goes can create tremendous suffering. But I also know that while these activities of the mind can be enslaving, they can also serve as the doorways for liberation; they present an opportunity to become the mind’s master.

As storytelling machines, our minds run an ongoing narrative of everything that happens in our lives. The stories they tell us are captivating and distracting, holding our attention and heavily influencing our experience. Our minds can keep us from connecting with the present moment, because instead of attending to what’s happening in that moment, we’re caught up in the stories they tell us—either about what’s happening, or about something else altogether. It’s easy to feel disconnected when the mind is in control; while life unfolds right in front of us, our stories keep us trapped and unable to make contact.

To move from servitude to mastery, we must heighten our awareness of the mind’s propensity for storytelling. Through the development of practices like mindfulness and meditation, we can learn to notice when the stories in our minds are pulling us away from the present moment. The quicker we notice, the quicker and more effectively we can bring our attention back to our experience in the here-and-now. Becoming the master in this way means being more grounded, connected, and present to life.

Our minds are not only great at storytelling, they’re also pretty magnificent meaning-making machines. They interpret everything, filtering information through our personal biases and beliefs, and influencing how we make sense of the world. When we are servants to our minds, the meanings they make can blind and constrict us, keeping us stuck and limiting our perspective. We hold these interpretations—the meaning our minds generate about our experiences—as truths, and we get completely caught up in them. A great example of how this operates is a former client of mine, who came to me after suffering for 30 years from a sense of unworthiness. He shared with me that when he was in the 3rd grade, a couple of boys in his class teased him about his haircut, and a few other kids within earshot laughed along with them. The meaning my client made of that experience was that he was an “unlovable reject,” and he carried that with him throughout the rest of his life, until the point that we met. This example is as common as it is painful; we all know what it’s like to believe what our minds make up about some event or experience, and we know how limiting and damaging that can be.

The shift from servitude to mastery with respect to meaning-making comes with identifying our core beliefs and recognizing the things our minds make up about what we encounter in life. Therapy and coaching are particularly effective ways to develop mind mastery in this area. The more aware we are of the interpretations our minds create—and, most importantly, the ways in which those interpretations affect us—the more we can distinguish the facts from the interpretations, and the less we suffer.

As I mentioned before, our minds are highly sophisticated time-travel machines. At any given moment, we can travel to the near or distant past, the anticipated or imagined future. And while this is, no doubt, a pretty cool thing, it can also get pretty ugly. Because the reality is, our minds let us travel to the past and future, but we have absolutely no control over either one of them. The past is gone, and the future hasn’t happened yet, so dwelling in either one can be an exercise in suffering. When the mind is the master, its time-traveling adventures can cause depression, by dwelling on what’s already happened, and anxiety, by agonizing about what could happen. And that’s not to mention the ways in which all that time-hopping robs us of our ability to be in the present, where life is happening. Many of my clients speak to me about how terrible it can feel when their minds take control and zap them back into an ugly past or zoom them forward into an uncertain future. There’s a reason the Buddha taught so much about being in the present moment; he was wise to the reality that the mind likes to travel, and when it takes us with it, we’re liable to suffer.

To become a master of the mind’s time-traveling nature is to acknowledge that there are some undeniable upsides to this capability. The past is full of rich material; it contains our memories, the lessons we’ve learned, and valuable information that can guide us through life. Thinking about the future can also be advantageous, as we can plan, get excited about upcoming events, and anticipate things on the horizon in order to prepare for them effectively. When we learn how to travel to the past and future with intention and be in the driver’s seat for the voyage, we can use this function of our minds to its greatest capacity and avoiding unnecessary suffering.

The human mind is magnificent. As John Milton so aptly put it, it can “make a heaven of hell, a heal of heaven.” To master the mind is to master life, so why not start moving toward mastery right here and now? As always, I wish you peace and love and am here to keep you company on your journey however it supports you.