Don’t Tread on Me: The Essential Nature of Relationship Rules

padlocks on a railing near a lake with mountains in the background.

We don’t tend to enter romantic relationships with the intention of getting our hearts stepped on, but at some point or another most of us have felt that pain. There are few things more agonizing than reflecting on a romance turned sour and wondering what could have been done differently. However, there’s also a lot we can learn from looking back at what went wrong. One thing that’s really helpful to look into when exploring our past relationships is the way we dealt with rules and boundaries.

All relationships, romantic and otherwise, operate based on certain rules. Each person comes into the relationship with a personal set of rules, and together the couple establishes rules that dictate what works and what doesn’t in the relationship. While we tend to put some of the rules on the table, many of them go unspoken. We communicate those unspoken rules—with varying degrees of subtlety—through our actions and interactions in the relationship. For example, if a man gets agitated and rigid every time his partner attempts to show affection in public, he’s silently communicating one of his personal rules—in this case, that PDA is off limits. But if his partner doesn’t pick up on this nonverbal communication, it’s almost a guarantee that the interaction will generate some unpleasant friction. A single instance of this may not cause much damage, but if it happens often, it could unravel the relationship.

That’s why it’s so important to be clear about our personal rules and boundaries. We need to know what they are and maintain them firmly, ensuring that whoever we enter a relationship with is willing to respect them as much as we do. When processing breakups in therapy, many of my clients come to realize that they and their partners failed to speak up about their rules, which set in motion negative patterns of interaction that destroyed the relationship.

I recently worked with a client who was devastated after breaking up with a woman he thought would become his wife. When we explored the series of events that he identified as the cause for the breakup, he started to get agitated and experience feelings of anger and resentment. The further he went into these feelings, the closer he got to understanding where they were coming from. He realized that he felt disrespected and taken advantage of by this woman. This is how he put it: “I did everything for her and didn’t ask for anything in return. There were tons of things that she did that I wasn’t okay with, but I let her do them because I didn’t want any problems. And she didn’t appreciate any of it. She just took and took from me and then ended things without considering what I wanted.”

My client’s feelings of resentment and anger were understandable. His pain was justified. But for him to learn from what went wrong in that relationship, it was important for him to look at the role he played. By examining this in therapy, my client came to realize that he had specific personal rules he never communicated to his girlfriend and, more importantly, didn’t uphold or respect himself. He came to acknowledge that while he wanted respect from his girlfriend, he wasn’t showing much respect for himself by allowing her to do things he wasn’t okay with. By violating his own rules, he was silently telling his girlfriend she could violate them also.

How we treat our own rules sends a message to our partners about how they can treat them. Think about it this way: If you have a no shoes in the house policy in your home but walk around with shoes on, you can’t expect your guests to know the rule and follow it. By breaking the rule yourself, you’ve given them permission to break it as well.

Nobody’s perfect, and no relationship is perfect either. But most of us do strive to have intimate relationships that are as healthy and harmonious as possible. It’s important to remember that harmony at the relationship level starts with clarity at the individual level. Take some time to identify your personal rules and boundaries, and be intentional about respecting them so your partner will respect them too.

Loving an Addicted Person: The Help/Harm Paradox

a road with a mountain in the background.

As a family therapist with years of experience in addiction treatment, I know how painful it is to love someone with a substance use problem. It means staying up all night worrying about what might happen. It means fearing the worst every time the phone rings. And for many people, it means tirelessly trying to figure out how to help.

It can feel helpless to witness a loved one struggle with substance abuse, and it’s natural to want to do everything possible to keep him or her safe. The problem is that when it comes to addiction, helping can sometimes be harmful. Many people try to support their loved ones in active addiction without realizing that they’re doing more harm than good. Despite their best intentions, their efforts to help ultimately allow their loved ones to keep damaging their lives.

Although loving a person who suffers from addiction can feel hopeless, you need to know that there is, in fact, hope. Here are a few ways you can manage the difficult help/harm paradox, supporting your loved one while keeping yourself well.

1) Learn about addiction. As it is with most illnesses, the more informed you are about addiction, the better positioned you’ll be to effectively support your loved one. There are some excellent resources out there (like this one) that clearly explain the nature of addiction. Learn as much as you can, and develop a relationship with a therapist or professional who can answer your questions.

2) Aim to strike a balance. As difficult as it can be, it is possible to help your loved one without causing harm. This means being compassionate but keeping necessary boundaries in place. It means remaining in connection with your loved one while holding him or her accountable. You’ll need to be clear about what you are and aren’t willing to tolerate. Only by determining and being firm with your limits can you effectively support your loved one while keeping your mental and emotional health in tact.

3) Understand that recovery is a process. People can and do change, but they pass through several stages on their way to making it happen. These stages are not linear, so some stalls, stops, and reverses in progress are to be expected. Understand that although there are likely to be setbacks, your loved one is still capable of creating and sustaining a sober lifestyle.

4) Take care of yourself. When you fear for a loved one’s health and safety, it can be easy to lose yourself. But if you’re not well, you’re in no position to help anyone else get well. It’s essential that you attend to your personal needs, prioritizing your health and wellbeing. As you work on trying to get your loved one professional support, make sure you’re being supported as well.

6) Know that you are not alone. You’re tired, you’re angry, you’re afraid. But you’re not alone. Addiction doesn’t discriminate, and it’s more common than you might think.  Al-Anon Family Groups are held every day in countless locations throughout the country, offering family members of people with substance abuse problems a place to vent their struggles in an atmosphere of mutual support.

Whether your loved one is in active addiction, in treatment, or in recovery, it’s possible for you to be an important ally and champion for change in his or her life. Educate yourself and take care of yourself, being sure to be good to yourself while you do good for your loved one.

Why Even Kindness Needs Constraints

a woman standing in a field of tall grass.

The New York Times recently featured an online piece entitled “A Daughter Too Kind for Her Own Good.” The compelling article, written by a mother about her elementary school aged daughter, introduces a subject that women, in general, and mothers, in particular, are likely to find meaningful. In essence, the author raises the question: How much kindness is too much?

Most of us would agree that kindness is a desirable quality. We tend to want others to be kind to us, so we practice the Golden Rule, treating others as we would like to be treated. But, as the author of the article suggests, this kind of compassion has its limits when it means lacking assertiveness with others. By observing her daughter’s response to an interaction with one of her peers, she recognized that her daughter’s kindheartedness—the same virtue that she, as a mother, had taught and encouraged— was leading her to tolerate meanness from others. It was causing her to neglect her own feelings and needs.

This article is an important cause for consideration among all of us, but especially those of us who have been taught to be kind at all costs. While being generally loving and accepting is an asset, it’s important to recognize when it’s appropriate to set boundaries with others. We must learn when to assert ourselves and be deliberate about practicing it—especially when it doesn’t come naturally.

There’s no denying that we are at our best when we are good to others; we just can’t forget to be good to ourselves.

Check out the article here.

Taking the Plunge: Vulnerability and Authenticity in Intimate Relationships

a person making a heart shape with their hands.

Human beings are wired for connection. It’s in our DNA. But as much as our nature primes us to connect with others, we often struggle to make and maintain these connections. Part of the reason for this difficulty is that connection requires quite a bit of risk. To truly experience intimacy with another human being, we have to be willing to be vulnerable and show up with our full selves. For most of us, this means tapping into raw emotions and deep desires that are difficult for us to confront, let alone share with another person.

Drawing from a model of couples therapy that urges partners to access and share their emotions so they can strengthen their connection, Dr. John Amadeo talks about the power of being authentic in our intimate relationships. Check out his thought-provoking article here, and share your thoughts with me. What do you think makes authenticity such a challenge? What are some ways you could become more authentic in your relationships?