One Big Storm, One Powerful Teacher

a beach with waves coming in to shore.

It’s been two days since Hurricane Irma finished whipping her way through the Caribbean and Southeastern United States. For the last week, life around here has unfolded in surreal fashion, and we’ve got a long way to go before things get back on track. All over the affected areas, people are experiencing varying degrees of devastation as a result of this storm’s overwhelming impact. We’re repairing what was damaged; grieving what was lost; scrambling for gasoline, water, and other essentials; hoping that our electricity, phone signal, and air conditioning will be restored; wondering how long it will take to rebuild. We’ve all got different circumstances and different stories. We’re all pretty tense and pretty tired. But in spite of it all, we’re getting a number of valuable lessons from Irma. If we’re willing to learn from this storm, there are many things it can teach us. Here are just a few:

The power of perspective. One of the first clients I worked with after the storm had a pretty harrowing Irma experience. As he recounted some of the details, I felt compassion and sympathy for what he’d gone through; I was filled with gratitude for not having struggled as much as he had. So I was astonished when he went on to say that his storm experience was one of the most beautiful and profound he’d ever had. While he acknowledged the unfavorable nature of his situation, he chose the perspective that the storm “happened for a reason,” and he opened himself up to what it had to teach him. The truth is, a natural disaster isn’t a completely positive experience. But it isn’t a completely negative one, either. We can choose our perspective, even when we can’t choose our circumstances—and that’s a pretty powerful thing.

The value of community.  It’s no secret: isolation is endemic in our culture, and it’s killing us. Modern living makes it easy to detach from one another and focus on our individual needs. But during times of collective crisis, we tend to pull together and lend each other a hand. In realizing that we’re all in this together, we’re more apt to connect and collaborate. All across the areas impacted by this storm, evidence of this abounds. And though it might be a difficult time, we get to experience some relief in knowing that we’re not alone. Whether we’re giving or receiving support, there’s a lesson to be learned about the magnificent gifts of connection and community.

The wisdom in surrender. One of the things that made Hurricane Irma such a severe disaster was the staggering size of it. For those of us in its path, there were few good options. Mother Nature was sending Irma to us, like it or not, and we couldn’t really get away from it. Though we got busy doing the best we could to prepare and protect ourselves, we couldn’t control the storm itself. We could, however, determine how to respond to it. We could become consumed with fear and anxiety, deny what was happening, resist the situation, or think of all the reasons why it shouldn’t be happening to us. But it was happening anyway. And the thing is, lots of life works this way. Irma gave us a gift in teaching us that when things are out of our control, all we can do is surrender. Not as a way to give up, but as a way to lean in to what’s already happening. There’s wisdom in this—the likes of which can transform our lives.

The beauty in simplicity. This storm has taken many things from many people. It’s brought devastating loss. And as difficult as it might be, it’s possible to see that something can be gained from what’s been lost. All of us who experienced this storm—even if we suffered little loss—have spent several days without certain comforts and constants. Starbucks is shuttered, nail salons are boarded up, and Netflix is inaccessible. Millions of homes lost electricity, and Wi-Fi is hard to find. Being stripped of the trappings of our cozy modern lives can offer a profound lesson for those willing to receive it. Our return to relative simplicity can teach us to discern between the vital and the inconsequential, the fundamental and the frivolous. It’s all too easy to get caught up in the details of our lives and lose sight of what matters most to us. Perhaps this lesson from Irma can inspire us to make an intentional practice of keeping it simple.

The reality of our resilience. There’s no denying that natural disasters like Hurricane Irma, Hurricane Harvey, and the devastating earthquake in Mexico create incredible suffering for the people affected by them. Much is lost and destroyed, to be sure. But even amidst their trauma and devastation, people continue to breathe the next breath, take the next step, and continue moving forward. Words like relief, repair, recovery, and rebuild become part of our common discourse about these events just as soon as they’ve happened; this alone is proof of our expansive capacity to begin again. These are troubling times for many. But they will pass. And we’ll get through it, one way or another, to continue beginning again and again.

If you’ve been affected by Hurricane Irma and are seeking support, let’s connect and set up a time to talk.

Want to lend a hand to the communities affected by the storm? Here are some ways you can contribute:

The Miami Foundation Hurricane Relief Efforts

Hurricane Irma Community Recovery Fund

The New Tropic List of Ways to Help & Volunteer

 

 

 

 

How To Be At Peace When Everyone Says You Shouldn’t Be

a view of clouds from an airplane.

There’s no doubt 2016 has been a crazy year. We’ve seen more tragedies, tensions, and surprises than any of us can keep track of, and the hits just keep on coming. The events of this year have had many people glued to their televisions and sucked into the social media vortex, trying to keep up with the latest information about the most current major news item. But at the rate this information—both accurate and sensationalized—is pumped out by the media, it’s impossible to keep up.

The beautiful thing about having access to as much information as we do is that we’re able to maintain a sense of awareness about what’s going on in the world. Through this awareness, we can access our ability to speak up and take action wherever appropriate. We can hold our leaders accountable and be agents of change.  But of course, there’s also a down side to having a constant stream of information accessible around the clock. If we aren’t mindful and moderate about our news consumption, we’re likely to experience negative emotions and generate certain assumptions about the world.

We don’t need to try too hard to find reasons to be discouraged and disappointed about the state of things, and we’re persistently given reasons to feel anxious and afraid. For example, just a moment ago I received an email from a local publication with the subject: “Now that the election is over, here are some local issues for you to worry about.” If we allow the emotions stoked in us by the news to dictate the way we experience the world, it’s going to shape that experience in unhelpful ways. We’re likely to look around us with suspicion and judgment, seeing things that support and confirm a pessimistic perspective about our world and its future.

There’s a popular line of reasoning in our culture that suggests a person must be fully informed about everything going on in the world in order to be a good citizen. Now, I’m not opposing that view, as it’s certainly important to have some sense of what’s going on. But if getting informed means getting anxious, angry, guarded, hopeless, or overwhelmed, that’s pretty obviously counterproductive. So how can we remain peaceful and hopeful when everyone’s suggesting that we should be anything but that? Here are just a few ideas for creating that possibility:

  • Walk the middle path. As with just about everything in life, balance is key when it comes to consuming information about current events (and related projections for the future). Stay informed only to the extent that it allows you to direct your energy and efforts toward positive change. Anything more has the potential to perpetuate the problems at hand.
  • Be peace. Even when everything around you suggests otherwise, peace is always available to you. And you are powerful enough to create it. Be intentional about finding opportunities to generate a sense of peace and stillness within, and know that by radiating that peace outward to everyone around you, you’re making an invaluable contribution to the world.
  • Be daring enough to hope. It’s a radical act to be hopeful when there’s little evidence that the future is bright. But if you want to remain peaceful and be a source of change for the future, you must hold on to hope at all costs. And once you’ve got a firm grasp, start sharing that hope with others, getting them to see what you do.
  • Trust that everything has its purpose. It’s not easy to access trust when everything seems like it’s falling apart. And within the context of a cultural climate that is generally pessimistic, it’s even harder to be trusting. But when you can find the faith that everything occurring is part of a plan—perhaps serving as a painful yet necessary step toward true progress—you will find that peace is possible.

Now, more than ever, the world needs us to stay grounded, keep our hearts open, and be instruments of peace. It’s up to all of us to create the world we want to live in and leave behind. So as the spiritual teacher Mooji so beautifully said, “Don’t remind the world that it is sick and troubled. Remind it that it is beautiful and free.”

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When the Unimaginable Happens: Coping With Tragedy

rows of lit candles in a dark room.

I had to take a few weeks off from writing, and I was really looking forward to getting back to it. But this post is not at all what I had in mind. It’s been an incredibly trying few days for countless people who are finding themselves dumfounded and devastated in the wake of the mass shooting at Pulse nightclub in Orlando, Florida. Forty-nine innocent queer individuals and allies lost their lives, and the world is still reeling. I’m not yet able to fully articulate my thoughts and emotions about this horrific event, but I would be remiss if I didn’t take an opportunity to address what happened in some fashion. If you have been affected—as most of us have—by what happened in Orlando, I offer these suggestions:

  • Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Events like this one can stoke a number of unpleasant emotions. Feelings of anger, sadness, despair, fear, and defeat are common; and though it never feels good to keep company with those emotions, it’s important that you allow yourself to do it. Failing to attend to the natural emotions that arise when tragedy strikes can lead to what we in the mental health field call complicated grief. It can prolong the bereavement process and lead to the development of other, more chronic emotional and psychological challenges. Remember that all feelings are okay. Whatever emotions arise for you are completely valid—and like all emotions, they will eventually pass.
  • Set limits on your media consumption. If you tune in to any form of media in the wake of a tragedy, you’re guaranteed to be inundated with images, videos, commentary, and debates that are, to some extent, informative but can become completely overwhelming if not limited. When a traumatic event occurs, it’s natural to want to seek information in an effort to make sense of what happened. But how much is too much? Social science researchers tell us that repeated exposure to tragic events through the media can result in vicarious trauma, a secondhand form of trauma that is incited and perpetuated by the flooding of imagery and information about a tragic event. It’s okay to inform yourself, but do it mindfully and in moderation.
  • Seek the comfort of community. Connect with the people around you, and seek solace in the relationships you have with them. Find strength in togetherness, and lean in to the supportive structure that community provides. There’s something very soothing about recognizing that we’re all in this together. Do everything possible to remind yourself of that.
  • Get involved. One of the most difficult things about coping with a tragedy is the feeling of helplessness it provokes. Knowing that people are suffering as a result of what happened can be troubling, especially if it feels like there’s nothing you can do about it. But in most cases, there are plenty of ways that you can make a difference in the lives of the people most affected by the tragic event. One of the greatest things about social media is that when disaster strikes, we can quickly and easily connect with people, organizations, and resources that will help us get involved and give in whatever ways we can. Volunteering your time or contributing in other ways—like giving blood, making financial contributions, donating necessary items, or building houses—is a helpful way to cope with the tragedy and regain a sense of hope.
  • Talk to a professional. It isn’t always easy to recover from the shock and trauma of a tragic event. Everyone processes things differently, and how long it takes to feel okay again is completely unique to each individual. But while it’s normal to be affected, you should seek the help of a therapist or other professional if your functioning is impaired. Having someone to talk to about what you’re experiencing is incredibly important during times like these; through the support of a professional experienced in treating trauma, you can learn ways to cope effectively and manage to stay well.

 Dealing with the emotional impact of a largescale tragedy is never easy. But it’s important that you find ways to adaptively cope and take care of yourself. Try to keep your hope alive, and remember that you are not alone. Give yourself permission to grieve, and then gather your strength and continue living. The world needs you. Be well, today and always.

Don’t Take Anything Personally

two seagulls are flying in the sky together.

In just a few days, I’ll have the distinct pleasure of hearing one of my favorite authors speak in an intimate setting. For me, this is the equivalent of going to a sold-out rock concert or the premier of a blockbuster movie. It’s a really big deal. The author I’m referring to, don Miguel Ruiz, is best known for sharing transformational insights from the ancient Toltec tradition. The most famous of his books, The Four Agreements, is an international bestseller. The wisdom contained within it is, at once, approachable and profound. It has changed many lives—including my own.

As the title of the book suggests, The Four Agreements describes four contracts we can make with ourselves to become free from the many self-limiting beliefs we’ve been conditioned to hold on to, which cause much of our suffering. While all of the agreements in the book have the potential to radically change the way we view ourselves, others, and life in general, there’s one in particular that’s been on my mind quite a bit lately. It’s the second agreement: Don’t Take Things Personally.

When I first read The Four Agreements, I was struck by the simple language Ruiz uses to describe a life-changing concept. Here’s a particularly compelling excerpt from that section in the book:

“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.”

Wow! Pretty powerful stuff, isn’t it?

I was deeply moved upon first reading these words, and I continue to be struck by their significance today. The many years I’ve spent working with all kinds of people in therapy have shown me that everyone has, at one time or another, been wounded by the opinions, words, and actions of other people. Their interactions with other others have resulted in pain and rejection, and many of them have become fearful as a result. They shut down, avoid intimacy, lash out, or become consumed by thoughts about how other people feel about them. Every one of us has some experience with taking things personally and experiencing real pain as a result. So Ruiz’s declaration that we can free ourselves of these binds is remarkably good news.

The Toltec wisdom contained in the second agreement has been around for centuries, and many famous philosophers and psychologists have written about it and developed theories based on its central premise. In truth, we are all living our own personal realities, which are shaped by our thoughts, emotions, beliefs, culture, mood, upbringing, and experiences. We go through the world as if we are the producer, director, screenwriter, and star of our own personal movie, and we expect everyone we encounter—the other actors, bit players, and extras—to know their lines. When they don’t follow the script, we suffer. But, you see, everyone else in the world is living their own movie. Everyone else is living their own reality—or, as don Miguel Ruiz would put it, their own dream. They don’t know their lines in the script for our movie, just as we don’t know our lines in theirs. When we take this personally, we suffer unnecessarily, because it was never about us to begin with.

In the section of The Four Agreements about not taking things personally, Ruiz goes on to say:

“As you make a habit of not taking anything personally, you won’t need to place your trust in what others do or say. You will only need to trust yourself to make responsible choices. You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you. When you truly understand this, and refuse to take things personally, you can hardly be hurt by the careless comments or actions of others.”

These are words we can all begin to live by, and benefit tremendously from doing so. They can help us to understand a very important truth: that everything we think, say, and do is not a reflection of reality, but a reflection of ourselves. Therefore, it’s also true that everything other people think, say, and do is not a reflection of us, but a reflection of themselves. This shift in understanding creates the potential for a much freer existence fraught with far less suffering.

I can’t wait to have the invaluable opportunity to sit in don Miguel Ruiz’s presence as he imparts more wisdom that I can adopt in my own life and share with my clients and readers. If you’re interested in reading more about the second agreement and getting familiar with the other three agreements outlined in the book, I highly recommend that you get a copy of The Four Agreements. It’s an easy read, a true page turner! And, for those of you in South Florida who are interested in joining me to hear Ruiz speak along with his son, don Miguel Ruiz, Jr., check out the information below and click the link to purchase your ticket.

Until next time!

 

 

To Love With the Freedom of Life: An Evening of Toltec Wisdom

don Miguel Ruiz Sr. & don Miguel Ruiz Jr.

Friday, May 6th at 6:00 p.m.

Unity on The Bay – Miami, FL

https://tickets.brightstarevents.com/event/ruin-unity-on-the-bay

 

Inside Out: A Lesson on Emotions

For quite some time now I’ve been wanting to write a post about the critically acclaimed, award-winning Disney Pixar film Inside Out. If you haven’t yet seen it, I highly recommend that you add it to the top of your must-watch list. Though deceptive in its animated format, the film offers a brilliant exploration of human thoughts and emotions that is relevant to people of all ages. I’ve shared it with numerous clients, all of whom have found deep significance in its core message.
When I came across an article on mindful.org, about the five things Inside Out teaches us about emotions, I couldn’t wait to share it with you. The article captures the essence of the film, highlighting the important lessons it teaches us about what it means to be an emotional being. It grounds the film’s central premise in a mindfulness context, reminding us of what we can draw from it to enrich our emotional lives. Check out the article here, and share your thoughts with me. Did you see the film? What did you take away from it?

Calling All Warrior Women!

a man jumping into the water at sunset.

We, women are remarkable creatures. We possess countless talents and offer so very much to the world. We are as yielding as we are fierce, as gentle as we are strong. We are highly capable and immeasurably valuable. We are also—well, most of us, at least—really, really . . . . . . . . tired.

Yes, you read that right. If you’re reading this and are also a woman, you probably know exactly what I’m talking about. No doubt it’s wonderful to be a woman; but it can also be a lot of other things. That’s because we are often a lot of things to a lot of people! We tend to play many roles, and we’re often expected to play them all well. And though we’re able to keep lots of plates spinning at once (quite expertly, at that), it’s nowhere near easy to do—sometimes it’s completely impossible!

Many of the female clients I’ve worked with over the years have made incredible changes in their lives with the goal of becoming the best imaginable version of themselves. They set out to do things like make gutsier choices, improve their relationships, treat themselves better, start exciting new ventures, have more fun, become more present for others, become more present for themselves, and the list goes on. I am regularly awestruck and inspired by the unbelievable things women are capable of achieving when they are at their healthiest, happiest, and most confident.

My dear friend and colleague, Dr. Olivia Schalpfer Colmer, LMFT, has had a similar experience in her work with clients. In a recent conversation at our local Starbucks, we came to the exciting realization that we could create a unique opportunity for women to connect with each other, share their experiences, set and accomplish goals, draw out their fierce feminine energy, and create their best lives.

We are thrilled to announce that this spring, we’ll be co-hosting a 6-week personal development group that we’ve lovingly entitled Warrior Women: Becoming Your Best Self. Click the flyer below for all the exciting details. I hope you’ll join us and give yourself the gift of discovering just how mighty you can be!

To learn more about Warrior Women or reserve your spot, call 305-814-4863.

WarriorWomenFlyer

 

Retaining Your Resolutions in 2016

a bunch of fireworks are lit up in the night sky.

The start of a new year is an exciting time. It’s an opportunity to wipe the slate clean and approach the upcoming 365 days with new intentions. For many people, New Year’s Day is an occasion for setting resolutions in the spirit of self-improvement. But as we all know, even the most sincerely set resolutions often go unfulfilled. By the middle of the year, most people will have lost sight of what they promised themselves on January 1st. So how can you dodge this trend and follow through with your commitment? Start by following these five simple steps:

1) Reflect on Your Past Efforts

When setting resolutions for a new year, a good place to start is by reflecting on your efforts from previous years. Ask yourself: “What got in my way of sticking to previous years’ resolutions?” Then ask: “What goals have I been able to stick to and attain?” Take notes to get a sense of what works for you and what doesn’t. Learn from your own successes, and figure out how to bypass the obstacles that could keep you from fulfilling your resolution this year.

2) Set Clear and Reasonable Resolutions

Be clear about the change you want to achieve. “Getting in shape” isn’t very specific, but “fitting comfortably into that too-tight pair of skinny jeans in the closet” is. Once you’ve clarified the resolution, break it down into small, manageable objectives—something you can work on little by little. When you break the big goal down into incremental steps, you’ll find it’s easy to stay on track by doing a little something every day. Today it might be taking a walk around the neighborhood, tomorrow buying fresh produce at the local farmer’s market. Before you know it, you’re rocking the skinny jeans in April and feeling like a winner!

3) Be Kind to Yourself While You Work On Your Resolution

The way we speak to ourselves has a whole lot to do with how we feel, how we function, and whether we fulfill our resolutions. Think about it: If you had someone following you around all the time saying critical, insulting things to you, wouldn’t you feel defeated? So why would you say such things to yourself? Many of us walk around saying self-deprecating, even hurtful, things to ourselves, which saps our energy, keeping us from going after what we want. It’s important when setting resolutions and working toward them to act in a spirit of love and a desire to improve our lives.

4) Find a Way to Check in With Your Resolution EVERY DAY

Most people who fail to fulfill their new year’s resolution do so because they simply stop thinking about it. Despite their best intentions to do something different, life—and everything that comes with it—just gets in the way. But this doesn’t have to be the case. It doesn’t take much time or effort to make even major changes; sometimes all it takes is checking in with the resolution to keep it alive. The simplest way to do this is to write it down and keep it visible. Write it on your bathroom mirror, your refrigerator, your office desktop, your cell phone’s home screen, or all of the above! Make it a point to read the resolution every day, mindfully reminding yourself of what you set out to do at the start of the year. You’ll be amazed at how much this works to keep you on track!

5) Create an Audience of Affirmation

Commit yourself to change by making it known that you’ve set a goal for yourself. I call this creating an audience of affirmation. If your resolution for 2016 is to run a marathon, tell everyone you know about it (after you’ve registered for the race, of course). By creating an audience for your efforts, you’re implicitly committing yourself to completing it. Won’t it feel good to be able to tell your coworker, or sister-in-law, or neighbor that you’re up to 15 miles when they ask you five months from now how your training is going? Won’t it be wonderful to see your marathon medal on the mantelpiece next New Year’s Eve? Invite people into your process of change and transformation, and let their excitement for you serve as fuel to motivate your efforts.

May 2016 bring new opportunities for transformation, inspiration, growth, and positive change. Resolve to do it, put in the work, and revel in the joy of accomplishing what you set out to. Cheers!