Meditation and Mental Health – Part 2

a person sitting in a pile of hay.

Hi, everyone. I’m back for the second installment of this five-article series I’ve developed to uncover some of the most valuable ways that meditation can support our mental health. In the last installment, I described how meditation supports the way we relate to our thoughts. (If you missed that article, you can check it out here.) Next, I’ll explore the unique relationship between meditation and emotional health.

As it turns out, meditation and mindfulness can valuably aid us in developing an enhanced relationship with our emotions. They do this in two particular ways. First, they help us learn how to identify rather than identify with our emotions. Second, they help us more effectively regulate our emotions and self-soothe. These are critical skills that, when practiced regularly, can have a meaningful—even life-changing—impact on our emotional health. And it all starts with the fine-tuned awareness that mindfulness and meditation help us cultivate.

As I’ve already mentioned, meditation and mindfulness help us learn how to identify our emotions, rather than identifying with them. This happens as a function of our ability to notice what we’re experiencing in the moment. When we practice meditation and mindfulness, we connect to our experience in the here-and-now, noticing what’s bubbling up within us. We experience our emotions in real time, witnessing their arrival and watching them move through us. This turns out to be a really useful skill—one that can change the way we relate to emotionally charged experiences. You see, research shows that people who can identify their emotions are more capable of coping with them than people who aren’t aware of what they’re feeling. The more understanding we have of our emotional experience, the more effectively we can manage it. When we know what we’re feeling, we’re more capable of being with that feeling and responding to it in ways that support our mental health.

This experience of identifying our emotions is quite different from the experience of identifying with our emotions—something that’s painfully familiar to most of us. Let me use an example to clarify the distinction. Imagine that you’re driving along the highway on your way to work, and another vehicle cuts in front of you unexpectedly. You have to slam on your brakes to avoid a collision, and your treasured morning coffee takes a spill as a result. Instinctively and immediately, anger arises within you. It courses through your body and stirs up a stream of anger-inspired thoughts. You become angry. You are angry. There’s no distinction between the anger and you; you’re identified with the emotion, and it’s taken over your experience. In that moment, your identification with anger might have you react in particular ways. You might curse loudly, scream obscenities, decide that your day is now ruined, or even attempt to seek revenge against the offending driver. With anger in the driver’s seat of your experience, you might say or do a number of things that you might later regret.

When we’re identified with and consumed by an emotion, our thinking is clouded and our actions are limited. We’re in full-on reaction mode, without much consideration for consequences. This is where identifying with our emotions can get dicey—dangerous, even. Where meditation and mindfulness step in and support us is by allowing us to experience our emotions without becoming consumed by them. When we’re present to our in-the-moment experience (a skill we develop through committed and consistent practice), we can lengthen the space between action and reaction. We can deliberately respond to our experiences with a sense of clarity, instead of emotionally reacting based on impulse. When we learn to identify our emotions through meditation and mindfulness, we can notice what we’re feeling, let ourselves experience it, and then intentionally settle ourselves before responding. This challenging practice is remarkably empowering; it can allow us to more masterfully navigate through our lives and manage everything that comes at us.

Meditation and mindfulness have another significant impact on our emotional health: they improve our capacity to manage and regulate what we’re feeling. There’s a common phrase among therapists that you’ve got to feel it to heal it, and there’s a lot of wisdom in that. Denying, resisting, and suppressing emotions is a recipe for disaster. When we refuse to face our emotions, we wreak havoc on our mental, emotional, and physical health. But as I stated earlier, allowing our emotions to consume us is equally unproductive and unhealthy. So how do develop a relationship with our emotions that allows us to feel them without becoming attached to them? Well, that’s where mindfulness and meditation come in. You see, these practices expand our ability to manage our emotions, regulate their expression, and soothe ourselves when we become distressed. But how do they do it?

When we practice meditation and mindfulness, we get present to our experience in the moment. We notice our emotions as they’re coming up, and we allow ourselves to feel them without impulsively reacting to them. We get familiar with the sensations in our bodies associated with certain emotions, and we learn to sit with the discomfort of feeling what we’d rather not feel. This is a remarkably useful practice—one that allows us to more capably manage our emotions. The capacity to self-soothe—in other words, to work through our own difficult emotions and calm ourselves down instead of relying on outside sources (other people, food, substances, etc.) to do it for us—is an important marker of mental health. The more we practice it, the better we become at it; and the better we are at self-soothing, the more capable we are of managing ourselves under even the most difficult of circumstances.

We humans are extraordinarily complex emotional creatures, and our ability to understand what we’re feeling is one of our most adaptive and advantageous features. As you journey through your own meditation and mindfulness practice, consider how you can increase your emotional attunement, thus improving your ability to identify your emotions and self-soothe. Though practice may never make perfect, in this case, it will most certainly boost your mental health and allow you to move through life with more mastery and grace.

I’ll be back soon with the next installment of this five-part series. Be well until then!

Meditation and Mental Health – Part 1  

a person standing on a beach at sunset.

 

On October 10, 2017—recognized as World Mental Health Day—I presented a talk on meditation and mental health at Innergy Meditation in Miami Beach.  What follows is the first installment in a five-part article series I’ve written to convey the major points of this discussion.

As someone who works with and believes in the power of meditation and mindfulness, I find it heartening to see the world of modern psychology catching up to the ancient wisdom behind these practices. Meditation and mindfulness have clear applicability in the world of psychology and mental health, with abundant support for their effectiveness. My intention behind writing these articles is to offer a compelling testament of these practices that might inspire you to explore how they can strengthen and expand your mental health.

Before I go any further, I want to start by outlining two distinctions. First, when I refer to meditation, I’m referring to the formal practice of sitting in meditation, irrespective of the particular form or tradition being practiced. Whether you’re into sound bowls, mantras, or guided meditations on YouTube, the information in this article applies. My intention is to talk about the functional aspects of meditation practice that support mental health, regardless of how it’s done. Secondly, though meditation is associated with many spiritual and religious traditions, it can be practiced in a secular way. It’s possible, therefore, to gain all the mental health benefits of meditation without having to subscribe to any particular ideology, approach, or tradition.

You’ll also notice that I regularly use the word mindfulness in this discussion. I use it to refer to the fundamental facets of meditation that we carry off the cushion and into the rest of life. To put it even more specifically, I’ll use Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn’s definition of mindfulness, which is simply a practice of paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, with a spirit of acceptance and non-judgment.

Both meditation—formal sitting practice—and mindfulness—a walking, moment-to-moment practice of centering our attention in particular ways—have been demonstrated and validated by scientific study to offer a host of mental health benefits. Some of these benefits include decreased anxiety, decreased depression, decreased stress, increased attention and concentration, increased sense of empathy, and improved overall sense of general wellbeing.

To expand on some of the particular benefits of meditation and mindfulness, I’ve decided to examine their impact on five key areas of mental health. Each article in this series will focus on one of these five mental health domains, the first of which is thoughts.

Any conversation about mental health, has to include some reference to thoughts. Of course, we’re thinking beings, so much of our experience occurs in the domain of thought. And while our minds can do many forms of thinking, there are two in particular that matter significantly to our mental health. First, our minds have a remarkable time-traveling capacity. At any given moment, our thoughts can carry us into the past or the future—and, in fact, this happens all the time. While you might appear from the outside to be cooking dinner or brushing your teeth, you’re likely to be time traveling inside your mind, perhaps thinking about how awful your drive home was or how terrifying it will be to grow old. Life is happening in the present moment, right here and now, but you’re time traveling and missing all of it.

Although it can be pretty neat to hop into the time travel machine in our skulls whenever we please, it doesn’t always turn out to be so pleasant. Depression and anxiety are associated with, among other things, recurring thoughts about the past or future. When our minds insist on pulling us out of our experience and into the time travel machine, our mental health can easily be compromised.

In meditation, we practice sitting with the intention to anchor our attention in the present moment. But inevitably, our thoughts carry us into the time travel machine, and we become distracted. What our practice helps us do is notice when we’ve wandered away so we can gently bring ourselves back. This practice of noticing that we’ve drifted and intentionally bringing ourselves back is like doing brain push-ups. It conditions a mental muscle that, if we utilize it in our daily lives, can help us do less time-traveling and more connecting. Because the truth is, the present moment is usually more pleasant and manageable than where our thoughts tend to take us.

Even if your practice supports you in staying present in the here-and-now, there’s another function of your mind for you to contend with: It’s what I call the storytelling mode—the function of your mind that runs an endless stream of commentary about whatever’s happening in each moment of your life. As humans, we’re meaning-making machines; we interpret everything that happens in our lives, telling ourselves a story about it and making it mean something. And while this isn’t an altogether bad thing, if it goes unchecked, it can dampen our sense of wellbeing and threaten our mental health. Let’s say, for example, that I have a conversation with a colleague. What’s actually happening, in concrete terms, is that my colleague and I are exchanging words with one another. No big deal, right? But if my mind is so inclined, I’ll start to tell myself a story about that conversation. I might tell myself things like, “Gosh, I sounded so stupid when I was talking about this morning’s meeting. I always say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Sooner or later, they’re going to realize I’m not cut out for this job. Then they’ll fire me, and nobody else will ever hire me again. I’m going to end up jobless and alone, because everyone will think I’m a failure. I’m going to die homeless on the streets.” This dramatic, self-deprecating spiral of thoughts can run through the mind in mere seconds. It’s the kind of thing our storytelling mode does—take us from a conversation with a colleague to destitution and ruin in no time at all.

Learning to work with the storytelling mode of the mind is essential to our mental health. If we believe all the thoughts that pass through our minds—especially those based on belief systems that frame us as worthless and life as hopeless—our mental health suffers considerably. If, however, we can develop a different sort of relationship with our thoughts, we can allow them to pass through our minds without becoming disturbed, convinced, or consumed by them. We can maintain and improve our mental health by adopting simple practices that shift the way we relate to the stories in our minds.

Through both meditation and mindfulness, we can learn to observe and bear witness to our thoughts, without believing, endorsing, following, or acting upon them. We come to understand, through our own direct experience, that our thoughts are just thoughts. They aren’t truths. They aren’t commands. They don’t define who we are. In other words, we are not our thoughts. At a literal, scientific level, our thoughts are just electrical impulses in our brains that carry data in the form of words. Just because they come up in our experience doesn’t mean we have to pay attention to them. If we can stay present to what’s actually happening around us in the present moment—like the conversation with a colleague I mentioned before—we can maintain our capacity to respond to life directly, instead of through the filter of the (sometimes terrifying) stories our minds weave. We can learn to notice that all of our thoughts do the same, predictable, thing: They enter our minds, and then they leave. If we do nothing about them, they come and go, all on their own. This ability to allow thoughts to pass without attaching to them is one of the most potent outcomes of meditation and mindfulness practice—one that can stand to transform the way we experience our lives.

Since our mental health consists largely of the relationship we have to the thoughts in our minds, utilizing meditation and mindfulness to transform this relationship is a worthwhile pursuit. I invite you to take the information you’ve read here and look for ways to shift the way you relate to and respond to your thoughts, seeing what new possibilities arise. I’ll see you soon with the second installment of the series. Be well until then.

Ask a Therapist: How Can I Build My Self-Confidence?

a person's hand holding a green leaf in the woods.

Self-confidence, a cornerstone of personal and professional success, is a theme that comes up often in therapy. Undeniably, the way we feel about ourselves significantly influences how we navigate through our lives. When we lack self-confidence, we have a hard time developing solid, mutually supportive relationships with others and doing what it takes to achieve our goals. It stands to reason, then, that building more self-confidence is a worthwhile pursuit that can support a more fulfilling life. While there are many ways to go about doing this, here are a few that I’ve found to be particularly effective. 

Challenge your self-defeating beliefs. Perhaps unsurprisingly, limiting beliefs are at the core of most self-confidence struggles. From an early age, we all adopt certain beliefs about ourselves that significantly influence how capable and worthy we feel.  Many of us have formed certain self-defeating beliefs that keep us feeling small and limit our capacity to reach our potential. The best way to identify these beliefs is by noticing the thoughts that stem from them. For example, thoughts like, “I never get anything right” or “I’m just not meant to have a healthy, loving relationship” reflect core beliefs about being unworthy or unlovable. Catching belief-derived thoughts and challenging them on the spot is a crucial step in breaking down self-imposed barriers and building more self-confidence.

Pay attention to your surroundings. For a variety of reasons, humans are highly influenced by their environment and the relationships they participate in; and when it comes to self-confidence, this is especially true. If you’re surrounded by people who don’t see or bring out the best in you, you’re not likely to feel good about yourself. On the contrary, it can be incredibly affirming to have relationships with people who hold you to your highest and encourage you to be the best version of yourself. If you think you could stand to feel more confident, look around and make sure your surroundings are supportive.

Prioritize self-care. It’s no secret: When we’re well taken care of, we tend to feel good. And who better to take care of you than you yourself? One of the best ways to boost your self-confidence is to make self-care a priority. Eat foods that nourish your body and give you energy; engage in regular physical exercise to boost your mood; carve out time every week (or every day, if you’re able) to do things you love; pamper yourself in ways that make you feel good about yourself; be intentional about how you spend your time. However you go about it, make sure self-care is an integral part of your routine; because the more cared for you are, the more confident you’ll feel.

Stop comparing. Theodore Roosevelt once famously said that “comparison is the thief of joy.” Well, as it turns out, it’s the thief of self-confidence, too. In our increasingly interconnected world, we get plenty of opportunities to compare ourselves with others and feel like we’re falling short. When we measure what we know about our lives against what we assume about others’, we set ourselves up to feel deflated and defeated. We rob ourselves of the confidence that comes from knowing that we are enough. If you want to build yourself up, spend less time looking around and more time looking within. Base your sense of self-worth on internally designed standards so that nobody else’s appearances or accomplishments can rob you of it.

 Be purpose-driven. Setting and achieving goals is one of the most fulfilling and self-affirming things we can do. There’s something about deciding upon something and seeing it through that builds a sense of self-confidence and self-esteem. Even seemingly small goals, like preparing a meal or making a request at work, can make a big impact. If you’re ready to start feeling better about yourself, start getting intentional about the way you live. Get committed to designing a life that reveals a sense of purpose, and watch your self-confidence soar.

Life can be pretty challenging, but living without self-confidence can make it downright unbearable. If you struggle to feel a sense of self-worth that goes beyond what simple strategies like these can address, reach out to the support that’s available to you. You are worth it.

One Big Storm, One Powerful Teacher

a beach with waves coming in to shore.

It’s been two days since Hurricane Irma finished whipping her way through the Caribbean and Southeastern United States. For the last week, life around here has unfolded in surreal fashion, and we’ve got a long way to go before things get back on track. All over the affected areas, people are experiencing varying degrees of devastation as a result of this storm’s overwhelming impact. We’re repairing what was damaged; grieving what was lost; scrambling for gasoline, water, and other essentials; hoping that our electricity, phone signal, and air conditioning will be restored; wondering how long it will take to rebuild. We’ve all got different circumstances and different stories. We’re all pretty tense and pretty tired. But in spite of it all, we’re getting a number of valuable lessons from Irma. If we’re willing to learn from this storm, there are many things it can teach us. Here are just a few:

The power of perspective. One of the first clients I worked with after the storm had a pretty harrowing Irma experience. As he recounted some of the details, I felt compassion and sympathy for what he’d gone through; I was filled with gratitude for not having struggled as much as he had. So I was astonished when he went on to say that his storm experience was one of the most beautiful and profound he’d ever had. While he acknowledged the unfavorable nature of his situation, he chose the perspective that the storm “happened for a reason,” and he opened himself up to what it had to teach him. The truth is, a natural disaster isn’t a completely positive experience. But it isn’t a completely negative one, either. We can choose our perspective, even when we can’t choose our circumstances—and that’s a pretty powerful thing.

The value of community.  It’s no secret: isolation is endemic in our culture, and it’s killing us. Modern living makes it easy to detach from one another and focus on our individual needs. But during times of collective crisis, we tend to pull together and lend each other a hand. In realizing that we’re all in this together, we’re more apt to connect and collaborate. All across the areas impacted by this storm, evidence of this abounds. And though it might be a difficult time, we get to experience some relief in knowing that we’re not alone. Whether we’re giving or receiving support, there’s a lesson to be learned about the magnificent gifts of connection and community.

The wisdom in surrender. One of the things that made Hurricane Irma such a severe disaster was the staggering size of it. For those of us in its path, there were few good options. Mother Nature was sending Irma to us, like it or not, and we couldn’t really get away from it. Though we got busy doing the best we could to prepare and protect ourselves, we couldn’t control the storm itself. We could, however, determine how to respond to it. We could become consumed with fear and anxiety, deny what was happening, resist the situation, or think of all the reasons why it shouldn’t be happening to us. But it was happening anyway. And the thing is, lots of life works this way. Irma gave us a gift in teaching us that when things are out of our control, all we can do is surrender. Not as a way to give up, but as a way to lean in to what’s already happening. There’s wisdom in this—the likes of which can transform our lives.

The beauty in simplicity. This storm has taken many things from many people. It’s brought devastating loss. And as difficult as it might be, it’s possible to see that something can be gained from what’s been lost. All of us who experienced this storm—even if we suffered little loss—have spent several days without certain comforts and constants. Starbucks is shuttered, nail salons are boarded up, and Netflix is inaccessible. Millions of homes lost electricity, and Wi-Fi is hard to find. Being stripped of the trappings of our cozy modern lives can offer a profound lesson for those willing to receive it. Our return to relative simplicity can teach us to discern between the vital and the inconsequential, the fundamental and the frivolous. It’s all too easy to get caught up in the details of our lives and lose sight of what matters most to us. Perhaps this lesson from Irma can inspire us to make an intentional practice of keeping it simple.

The reality of our resilience. There’s no denying that natural disasters like Hurricane Irma, Hurricane Harvey, and the devastating earthquake in Mexico create incredible suffering for the people affected by them. Much is lost and destroyed, to be sure. But even amidst their trauma and devastation, people continue to breathe the next breath, take the next step, and continue moving forward. Words like relief, repair, recovery, and rebuild become part of our common discourse about these events just as soon as they’ve happened; this alone is proof of our expansive capacity to begin again. These are troubling times for many. But they will pass. And we’ll get through it, one way or another, to continue beginning again and again.

If you’ve been affected by Hurricane Irma and are seeking support, let’s connect and set up a time to talk.

Want to lend a hand to the communities affected by the storm? Here are some ways you can contribute:

The Miami Foundation Hurricane Relief Efforts

Hurricane Irma Community Recovery Fund

The New Tropic List of Ways to Help & Volunteer

 

 

 

 

Uncommon Wisdom From a Common Symbol

a picture of a sunset with a yin sign in the foreground.

More than a popular tattoo choice or mindless doodle etched into countless high school notebooks, the symbol we know as the yin-yang is rich in meaning. Represented as a perfect circle divided into two parts—one black with a spot of white, the other white with a spot of black—the yin-yang holds an important place in the Chinese philosophy and religion known as Taoism. It serves as a representation of certain vital aspects of life, and offers a valuable reminder of our own nature.

The central, foundational symbolism in the yin-yang is the fluid balance of the yin and yang energies existing within everything in nature. Yin energy, referred to as the feminine energy, is represented by the black half of the circle; it is passive, yielding, and receptive. Yang energy, referred to as the masculine energy, is represented by the white half of the circle; it is active, strong, and expansive. These dualities constitute equal halves of the circle, as they are equally vital to everything in nature. Yin cannot exist without yang, just as yang cannot exist without yin. Nothing, in essence, can exist without its opposite. We can appreciate love because we understand hate. Joy is meaningless without the existence of sorrow. Life cannot be honored without an understanding of death.

In the yin-yang symbol, each half contains a small circle in the opposite color. This serves to reminds us that everything contains the seed of its opposite. There is always a little spot of light in the darkness, a little bit of darkness in the light. Nothing within the universe, within life, or within ourselves is ever completely black or white. Nothing is ever absolute.

The line along which yin and yang connect is curved instead of straight. This demonstrates that yin and yang depend on each other. It represents the never-ending, ever-flowing cycle in which these opposing energies move. The fluidity represented by the S-shaped division within the yin-yang symbol is a reminder of the harmony inherent in our nature.

Every time I see the yin-yang symbol, I’m reminded of the beautiful design of Nature, which is the same nature of which I am made. I’m reminded that the harmonious balance alive in Nature, which I can witness with my own eyes, is also alive in me. Just as water flows effortlessly, just as day predictably turns to night, so do the rhythms of my own life unfold. When I look at the yin-yang, I’m reminded that nothing is static, nothing is permanent. I’m inspired to trust the flow of Life and let myself flow with it. Instead of getting caught up in my ego’s demands, desires, and disappointments, I yield to the wisdom of the Tao—The Way, the totality, the whole that contains everything—and I peacefully surrender.

If the rich symbolic meaning of the yin-yang inspires you as much as it does me, I invite you to keep one visible for yourself. Return to it often as a gentle reminder that everything—both yin and yang, both light and dark, both pain and pleasure, both life and death—are necessary and, therefore, perfect.

Ask a Therapist: How Do I Mend a Broken Relationship?

a close up of two people holding hands.

In this edition of Ask a Therapist, I’m addressing a question I get asked pretty often: How do I mend a broken relationship? Of course, every relationship and circumstance is different; but there are some general considerations that can support the repair process. Whether you’re looking to re-open lines of communication with someone, re-establish trust with your significant other, or mend the rifts in a meaningful relationship, here are a few things to keep in mind.

1) Spend some time reflecting about what happened. This is a crucial step in the repair process, because it’s important to get clear about what happened and how you contributed to it. In the heat of the moment, it can be hard to comprehend what’s happening; and in the aftermath, it’s easy to focus on your hurt feelings and what the other person did to cause them. Before you make any effort to repair the relationship, give some thought to what took place, and see the part you played in it. Look also at how you interpreted the situation, what hurt you most about what happened, what you would have wanted to play out differently, and what you could have done differently to create that outcome. Having a clear, centered, and non-blaming perspective will support you greatly in your repair efforts.

2) Give some thought to what you really want from the relationship. It’s uncomfortable, and often painful, to be at odds with someone you care about; but before you rush to make things better, reflect on your intentions. Be clear and honest with yourself about whether and why you want the other person in your life. And here’s a really important part: be sure you want to move forward with this person as he or she actually is, not as you would prefer for him or her to be. This step is all about being honest with yourself and, in some cases, being willing to consider that the relationship may not be worth salvaging. Skipping this step could lead to resentments down the road, so take your time with it. Think carefully about what the relationship means to you and what role you can see it playing in your life moving forward

3) Approach the initial conversation with sincere openness. If you’ve completed the first two steps and still want to move forward in the repair process, the next step is reaching out and inviting the other person into a conversation. Let him or her know that you’ve been reflecting on the relationship and the way things occurred between you, and you’d like to work on repairing it. Understand that he or she might not be ready or willing to talk. And that’s okay. The time may not be right now, but that doesn’t mean repair will never happen. Give it time, have faith, and be open to the possibility of the conversation happening in the future.

4) Communicate mindfully. If you reach out to the other person and he or she is willing to talk, prepare to approach the conversation mindfully. Make sure you’re focused and centered, attending to your breath and staying present and connected throughout the dialogue. Be willing to see things from another perspective, and listen to the other person without defending yourself. When it’s your turn to speak, focus on your experience without placing blame on the other person. Be honest and open, keeping in mind—especially during the more difficult parts of the conversation—that your primary intention is to reconnect, repair, and move forward.

5) Establish boundaries as needed. Sometimes it’s important to have a conversation about boundaries before moving forward in a relationship. This can be a difficult subject to broach, but it’s important to do it so that similar transgressions don’t occur in the future. If your personal boundaries were violated in the relationship, be sure to speak up about it and clearly express what you need moving forward. This is a challenging but crucial step in the process, as it involves truly working on repair instead of simply glossing over what happened and rushing to make things right again. Be willing to speak up, but remember not to reject your understanding and compassion in order to do it!

6) Give yourself credit, and be grateful. Nobody’s perfect, and no relationship is perfect either. Open communication, mutual respect, compassionate understanding, and willingness to forgive are all part of the process—and that process isn’t easy! So give yourself credit for doing the work; and give the other person credit, too. Express gratitude for him or her, and acknowledge your mutual decision to heal and grow together. This is a beautiful way to honor the repair process and build on your relationship, offering it the potential to grow stronger and more fulfilling for both of you.

Finding the Sweet Spot: Simple Steps to Getting Balanced

The desire for balance is a common theme for the modern American adult. Whether we realize it or not, we’re always striving to strike some sort of balance in our lives. We aim to find a work-life balance so we can be successful in our careers and still enjoy life. We try to balance togetherness and independence in our relationships, so we can connect with our partners and not lose ourselves in the process. We seek to balance our masculine and feminine energies, so we can allow for the expression of both sides of ourselves. We look for ways to balance how we spend our time, so we can accomplish tasks but also rest when we need it. We try to be balanced about our diets, so we can take care of our health but still eat the things we like. The struggle is real, and it’s everywhere in our lives.

My work is heavily influenced by traditions that emphasize the importance of balance, so I’m always interested in how this manifests in people’s lives. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the many demands on our time and energy, and it isn’t uncommon to think that balance is a luxury or something we’ll get around to later. But living in a balanced way supports our psychological, emotional, and physical health; and the truth is, we’re far more capable of achieving it than we tend to think. To realize this, though, we need to shift our understanding of what balance is and how it’s achieved.

A lot of us tend to conceive of balance as something static—something we gain and then keep. But in reality, balance is a dynamic process that’s always flowing. Finding balance in the various ways we live our lives is similar to finding balance in our physical bodies: We don’t reach a perfect state of balance and stay there, fixed and unmoving. When we stand on one leg, for example, we feel our body wobble and sway, tipping in one direction or the other, before correcting itself and coming back to center. Even when we think we’re completely steady in our balance, or can do it without much effort, there’s still movement involved. If you want to see what I mean, stand with both feet planted on the ground and close your eyes. You’ll notice that your body is making many micro-movements to maintain its balanced state. And so it is with the practices we carry out in our lives. There’s always some movement and adjustment involved in keeping ourselves steadily centered.

Once you understand the fluid nature of balance, it’s easier to achieve it. Small, moment-to-moment changes go a long way in getting you there. Here are a few things you can do to start feeling more balanced:

Focus on specific areas in your life that you want to find more balance in, and get clear about what that balance will look like once you’ve achieved it. This will help you get intentional about how you move through your life, shifting and adjusting as you go. Everyone has a different definition of the perfect balance, so figuring yours out is an important place to start

Develop a mindfulness practice. Be attentive to what you’re doing, and practice being aware of yourself from moment to moment. This will allow you to notice when you’re feeling imbalanced, so you can make whatever adjustments are needed. One moment you might need to take a few deep breaths or go for a jog. Another moment you might need to step it up and apply yourself to completing a few tasks. Whatever needs to happen at any particular moment to achieve that balance, you’ll be attuned to it through your mindfulness practice.

Spend time with people you think strike an optimal balance in their lives. Notice and ask about the things they do to find that balance, and try some of them on for size. Learning from others’ experiences is a powerful way to expand your perspective and open up new opportunities to live in a measured way.

Practice physical balance regularly. Be deliberate about balancing your body, and engage in yoga poses—like Garudasana (Eagle Pose) or Vrikasana (Tree Pose)— to remind you of what it feels like to be centered.

 Give yourself permission to take it one step at a time. An important part of finding balance is seeing the bigger picture and knowing that everything you do makes a difference. If you notice that you’ve tipped too far in one direction, take the opportunity to bring yourself back to center. You can do this with your work-life dynamic, your relationships, your diet and exercise routine, or the way you spend your time. The more you practice being deliberate about your actions and course correcting as you go, the more effective you’ll be at striking the balance you desire.

I’ll leave you with a 2000-year-old quote from the philosopher Epicurus to encourage your practice:

“Be moderate in order to taste the joys of life in abundance.”

Ask a Therapist: How Do I Find the Right Therapist for Me?

two glasses of tea with green leaves in them.

In this edition of Ask a Therapist, I’m addressing a question I get asked pretty often. It’s an everyday occurrence for me to receive a phone call or text from someone in my personal network who’s looking for a therapist—and, of course, I regularly have conversations with potential clients of my own. These conversations always center on an essential question: How do I find a therapist who’s a good fit for me? If you’re presently looking for a therapist or think you could benefit from finding one, here are some simple, straightforward steps to get your search moving in the right direction.

1. Start with the end in mind. Therapy doesn’t operate according to a one-size-fits-all model, so it’s important to consider what you want to gain from the experience. Before you start your search, spend some time thinking about what you want to get out of therapy. I recommend doing this by starting with the end of the experience in mind. In other words, imagine that you’ve just completed your last session with your ideal therapist. How will you know that your work with this person had been helpful? What will you be able to do that you struggle to do now? What will be possible for you then that seems impossible for you now? What will be different in your life, and what will you have done in therapy to make that happen? By imagining what you’ll get out of therapy in your best-case-scenario, you can begin to get some ideas about who can best support you in the process.

2. Reflect on what’s most important to you. Many people assume that if they have mental health benefits through their insurance provider, they should start by finding someone who accepts their plan. This is a logical place to start the search process, of course, but it may not lead you to the therapist who’s right for you. If spending as little money as possible on therapy is your primary consideration, then going through your insurance company makes perfect sense. But it may be that other factors are more important to you, like finding someone who has experience working with a particular issue, or working with someone who utilizes a more holistic approach. Think carefully about what matters most to you, and allow that criteria—rather than the cost of services—to guide your search. You can’t put a price on your wellbeing, and your best life is well worth whatever money you’ll spend on your sessions; so before you let your wallet or insurance card make your decision for you, spend some time thinking carefully about what really matters to you. Thoughtfully consider what qualities your ideal therapist will possess. Whether you want someone of a particular gender, age, secondary language, training, location, availability, skill set, theoretical approach, or background experience, there’s someone out there who fits the bill. Get clear about your must-haves, and let these be your guide.

3. Do the research. Once you have a sense of what you want out of therapy and what qualities your ideal therapist will possess, you can begin the actual search process. Therapy is an intimate interpersonal experience, so word-of-mouth referrals and recommendations from people in your network are a good place to start. If you’re comfortable doing so, reach out to people in your life and ask them to share the names of therapists they’ve worked with and would recommend. Start a list of potential therapists based on the responses you get. Then start exploring other avenues, like the Psychology Today online database or even a Google search for therapists or counselors in your area. Keep adding to your list of potential therapists until you’ve got somewhere between 3 and 10 possibilities. Gather as much preliminary information as you can about these therapists, and narrow the list according to the information you gathered in the first two steps of your search process. Use your personal criteria as well as your intuition to come up with the top 3 therapists on your list.

4. Start the audition process. Once you’ve gotten to this point in the process, the trickier, more annoying stuff is out of the way. Now it’s just a matter of picking up the phone! Many of my clients tell me it took them months, sometimes years, to pick up the phone and call me—and they almost always say they wish they’d done it sooner! I know how intimidating it can be to make that first phone call, but if you’ve done the work of generating a list of potential therapists based on your personal search criteria, you’re likely to find that the initial call is a pleasant and encouraging experience. It’s bringing you one step closer to that future you envisioned, where the problems leading you to therapy are no longer problematic! As you carry out this step, remember that you’re essentially auditioning or interviewing your potential therapist. Prepare a short list of questions to ask during your initial phone call, to be sure you’re talking to someone who’s right for you. Make your phone call(s) at a time when you feel relaxed and won’t be interrupted. You want to be as centered and focused as possible, so you can get a sense of whether or not the person is a good fit. Make an appointment with whoever you feel best about, and remember that you don’t have to commit to the process until you’ve found someone who’s right for you.

5. Evaluate honestly. Once you’ve had a session with a therapist (or two, or three, depending on how you choose to go about the audition process), reflect on what you experienced during the session. Did you feel a sense of connection with the therapist? Did he/she show an interest in getting to know you without judging, labeling, or jumping to conclusions? Was the environment somewhere you can feel comfortable accessing deep emotions and getting vulnerable? Did you leave feeling hopeful? Remembering your reasons for seeking therapy in the first place, reflect on your experience and evaluate accordingly. If the session was unpleasant or the therapist wasn’t a god fit, don’t be discouraged! You may not find the therapist who’s right for you on the first go-around, but that doesn’t mean he or she doesn’t exist. Go to the next person on your list, and keep trying. You are worth the effort it takes to find someone who’s right for you—and when you do, you’ll be glad you put in the work and stuck with the process.

Ask a Therapist: How Do I Overcome Fear?

a black and white photo of a woman with her hand over her face.

If you’ve followed my blog for a while, you probably already know that I’ve been working as a therapist for the past 10 years, serving a diversity of clients in a variety of settings. I’ve supported clients in addressing a host of issues, from minor struggles to major life crises. Along the way, I’ve had the opportunity to offer these clients some clarity and understanding about their issues that they can utilize to heal themselves. In hopes of keeping this blog relevant and using it to share practical information, I’ve decided to introduce a new series called Ask A Therapist, in which I’ll pose some of the questions I’ve been asked over the years and offer answers based on my guiding philosophy and therapeutic approach. I’ll start by answering the questions I’m most commonly asked. At the end of each post, I’ll make a request for you to pose questions of your own.

This week, I’m exploring a question I get asked pretty often: How do I overcome fear?

To answer this question, I’ve got to begin by breaking down what fear is and why it exists. Fear is a response to perceived danger or impending threat that occurs in certain types of organisms. In humans, fear manifests as a combination of emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations. Much of what happens when we’re experiencing fear has been hardwired into us for survival purposes. It’s an important response to potential threats in our environment that prepares us to fight, flee, or freeze up in order to stay alive. When we’re in real danger, our fear response enables us to stay alert and proceed with caution. Without it, we’re prey to many things in our environment, with little ability to protect ourselves. But in reality, most of the things that produce a fear response within us are not actual threats to our survival—we just perceive them to be such. This is the kind of fear that most people want to overcome, as experiencing it is unpleasant, at best, and crippling, at worst.

Knowing that there’s a difference between rational fear—the kind we experience when we’re faced with a true and imminent threat to our survival—and irrational fear—the crippling kind we create in our minds—is an important first step. Rational fear is healthy and essential; since we need a little bit of fear to help us act swiftly and protect ourselves, we don’t want to get rid of it. But the irrational fear is the kind we generally want to get past. The crucial first step in doing so is breaking the fear down in your mind. When you’re afraid of something that isn’t posing an imminent threat, it’s largely because of a story you’re telling yourself. For example, if you have a fear of public speaking, you’d begin to overcome that fear by breaking down the fear story you’ve created. It might look something like: “If I give this presentation in front of all these people, I’ll completely choke, everyone will laugh at me, and I’ll never be able to show my face in public again.” Looking closely at this fear story, it’s clear to see how irrational it is. How can you be sure that those things will happen if you speak in public? How likely is it that this story is true? Pretty unlikely. This first step in overcoming this fear, then, would be to break the fear story down and look at it more rationally. Some people do this by asking themselves, “Can I know for sure that the worst-case-scenario I’m creating in my mind will come to pass if I face this fear?” The answer will almost certainly always be “No.” So, then, what comes next?

After you’ve gotten clear about how your mind is working to get you fearful about something irrational and unlikely, you can tell yourself a more rational story and create a plan of action. Continuing with the public speaking example, you would tell yourself the truth—that you’re experiencing fear about something you’re anticipating and making up in your mind—and then create a plan of action for addressing the fear. Here’s where the most important step comes in: To overcome fear, you absolutely must confront whatever it is that’s making you fearful. But in order to not overwhelm yourself, you want to have a plan and do it in a safe way. The best way to do this is to start small, and gradually build up to bigger things. The first bit of movement in the direction of overcoming your public speaking fear would be to create a plan for speaking in front of, say, a couple of your family members, then start working your way up to a more public presentation.

Once you’ve planned for the first action you’ll take to face your fear, you’ll want to start practicing ways to manage the physical symptoms that occur when you’re feeling afraid. The best way to do this is to develop a practice of centered self-awareness and deep breathing. When you confront your first fear-inducing scenario, you’ll likely feel some unpleasant physical sensations. Manage this by learning how to breathe through it, with compassionate awareness of what’s happening in your body. Just because you feel afraid doesn’t mean anything bad is going to happen. Let yourself be with what you’re experiencing, and intentionally send your breath to all the places in your body that are registering fear.

After facing the first item on your fear scenario list, managing the sensations that arise for you in the moment, you’ll inevitably notice that you’ve survived, and that none of the catastrophes your mind made up have come to pass. This will embolden you to take the next step and more confidently confront the next scenario on your list. Repeat the previous steps until you’ve worked your way up to the scenario you’ve been most afraid of facing.

Overcoming fear is possible through simple, actionable steps; but, of course, it isn’t easy. Many people find that working with a therapist can keep them on task and offer them important support through the process. If you’ve been wanting to overcome a certain fear and would like some help, let’s set up a phone consultation to see what possibilities exist. If you want to go about it on your own, here are five steps for you to follow:

1. Break down the fear in your mind.

2. Replace the fear story with a more grounded and rational one.

3. Create a plan for confronting the fear-inducing scenario, starting with something small.

4. Learn and practice ways to manage the physical symptoms of fear.

5. Confront your first scenario and build confidence to work your way up to the one you fear most.

So, there you have it: overcoming fear in a nutshell. Have a question you’d like me to answer? Send it to me in a comment or email, and I’ll answer it in an upcoming post!