Why Resting is Revolutionary

If I had to guess, I’d say that in most conversations between two adults in the Western World, at least one of the people will utter the word “busy” to describe how they’re doing. This state of being—or, rather, of constantly doing—is so common and so pervasive, that it’s often what we lead with when speaking about our lives. Sometimes, we say it with exhaustion, like a quiet admission of feeling trapped by all our obligations. Other times, we wear it like a badge of honor—proof of our productivity, importance, or success. Either way, we say it a lot. And, for the most part, it’s true. 

In our fast-paced, industrialized, capitalist society, productivity is praised above all else. We’re trained to be more like human doings than human beings, and we often have an unreasonable number of demands on our time. The pressure to produce is immense, and what it takes to survive—let alone to achieve or acquire more, as most of us have been taught to do—just keeps increasing, so that we never feel like we’re doing enough. 

With this as our backdrop, the act of rest becomes revolutionary. To commit to slowing down, unplugging, setting aside the task list, and allowing ourselves to do nothing is a radical act in a world that has taught us to conflate our productivity with our worth. But prioritizing rest isn’t just about subverting societal norms. For many of us, it’s also about challenging things we learned in our childhood about resting—that it means you’re lazy, for example, or that you can only rest once you’ve earned it. Because of all the things we’ve been taught to believe about it, rest can feel like a selfish or slothful indulgence, rather than a necessity. 

Sometimes, resting is not only difficult because of what’s going on in our minds, but also because of what’s going on in our bodies. It is often the case that slowing down and attempting to shift from the doing mode to the being mode feels uncomfortable or even unpleasant. Some of us grew up in chaotic, unpredictable environments, where our nervous systems were shaped for vigilance. Letting our guard down to rest can feel exposing, even unsafe. Or, it can feel boring and under-stimulating, because we’re so unaccustomed to being in the present moment that attempting to rest in the here-and-now feels like torture. 

Rest is a natural and fundamental state for any living being. Yet, our culture has shaped us to perceive it in layered, emotionally charged, and overly complicated ways. The customary way of life in our culture places legitimate barriers in the way of us resting as much as we need to. And, if we aren’t mindful, we can participate in building our own barriers to it.. This is why we must become revolutionaries when it comes to rest. Rest isn’t a luxury; it’s a reclaiming of what’s most natural. If we want to truly live—and not just survive—we must teach ourselves to honor the deep truth found in nature: that we can only be as active as we are rested. 

Waking Up From the Dream of Unworthiness

In almost 20 years of doing therapy, I’ve come to discover a few universal threads that weave themselves through all our lives. Whenever I take a step back and look at the experiences of my clients as a window into what it means to be human, I always get brought back to one consistent theme: the belief in our brokenness. Over and over, in almost every single therapeutic process I get to be part of, I see traces of that common core belief. Through many intimate conversations over many years, I’ve come to discover that this belief about our unworthiness is more common than any of us realize.

The belief that we are unworthy, that we are not enough, takes root very early in our lives. Before we have the conscious ability to thoughtfully reach this conclusion, we unconsciously determine that it must be true. There are evolutionary reasons for this. As defenseless, dependent beings, children quickly grasp how little control they have over their world. But what’s one thing they can control? Themselves. This is where the belief in unworthiness begins—because if I am the problem, then maybe I can be the solution.

If I assume that I’m the reason my needs aren’t being met; the reason my parents seem so exhausted and overwhelmed; the reason my siblings are getting everyone’s attention; the reason things feel so scary and unpredictable, then maybe I can do something about it. I can make sure to make others happy with me, so I don’t give them anything else to worry about. I can hold back my needs and try not to bother anyone, so I don’t make things worse. 

As it turns out, believing there’s something wrong with us was, at one point, a strategy for survival. But over time, this belief takes root inside us and starts to influence the way we see ourselves, the way we carry ourselves, and the way we engage with others. 

At some point in the therapy process, almost every single person I’ve ever worked with comes into contact with an unworthiness belief. Usually, when it comes out, it’s attached to a second core belief: one that’s equally damaging, equally scary, equally common, and equally untrue. Not only do most of us deal with believing there’s something wrong with us, we also believe that we’re the only ones dealing with it. The thought process tends to go a little like this:

There’s something deeply, fundamentally wrong with me. And if others knew how broken/damaged/undeserving/unlovable I actually am, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. 

That’s a pretty painful thing to walk around believing, isn’t it? Yet so many of us are walking around this way, cut off from each other out of fear and shame. And while we’re all playing small and safe, hiding and performing so that nobody catches on to our unworthiness or brokenness, we fail to see the universal quality of our condition. We fail to see that actually, we’re all in this together. I can’t help but smile when I touch on this ironic truth that emerges from the work I get to do with people. The only thing that’s really wrong with us is the belief that there’s something wrong with us. And one of the biggest reasons we feel alone is that we’re keeping each other at a distance, already believing we’re alone in our experience. It’s interesting to consider that if we all could just recognize how universal this core belief is, we could stop feeling so shut down, fearful, and ashamed around each other. We could let ourselves be fully and imperfectly human, understanding that all we’re surrounded by are other imperfect humans. 

Waking up from the dream of unworthiness is a vital step on the path toward personal growth and transformation. It’s a process of

  • healing the child within, who did the best they could with what they had, 
  • coming into a more gracious, loving, and accepting relationship with ourselves,
  • choosing who we wish to be in each moment, rather than continuing to run on old, outdated programs,
  • being generous in our interpretations of others’ actions, understanding that it’s easier to be forgiving of others’ flaws when we are accepting of our own.

Most importantly, it’s a process of entering a state of awareness that allows us to be fully connected to ourselves and others. In this way, waking up from the dream of unworthiness isn’t just about healing, it’s about freedom—the freedom to discover that we were never broken or alone to begin with.

 

Conscious Motherhood: The Subtle Yet Profound Art of Parenting With Awareness

A woman with curly hair holds a sleeping child close to her chest, both seated. The woman has a thoughtful expression, and the background includes a blurred indoor setting.

Any mother can attest to the fact that their child’s development—especially in the early months and years—is of paramount importance. Rare is the day that goes by without focusing on milestones, looking for subtle changes, or marveling over new skills unlocked. For a child, the developmental process is monumental. For a mother, it’s extremely important, too.

Motherhood, like childhood, is a process of becoming. Moment by moment, day by day, mothers are shaped by the experience of raising a child. As they move through the steep learning curve of parenting, they evolve and expand into their new identity. This happens automatically, as a natural function of adapting to the new role and taking on the ever-changing responsibilities of parenting. But there’s a different, more deliberate way to move through this process that’s on offer for those who choose to approach it this way. This is the path of the conscious mother.

Being a conscious mother means approaching motherhood with intentionality and deliberateness. It means bringing a mindful presence to the process of parenting, aiming to be congruent in your intentions, words, and actions when engaging with your children. Most importantly, it means navigating your role as mother with as much awareness as possible, attuning to your children as you remain attuned to yourself.

What Conscious Motherhood Can Offer the Child
One of the cornerstones of conscious motherhood is presence. It’s about aiming to be fully engaged and attentive during conversations, moments of play, and times of discipline and redirection. The conscious mother aspires to bring mindful attention and awareness into each interaction, fostering a deeper connection between mother and child. Understanding the importance of their children’s emotional world, conscious mothers strive to be validating, accepting, consistent, compassionate, and responsive with their children. In this way, they provide a foundation for their children that serves as a source of emotional safety and security. The hope is that by internalizing this experience of safety, the child will develop qualities such as stability, resilience, attachment security, emotional intelligence, and self-confidence.

What Conscious Motherhood Can Offer the Mother
The benefits of this parenting style aren’t only for the child; the mother is also positively shaped by the experience of conscious motherhood. By making intentional and values-aligned parenting choices, the conscious mother can experience a stabilizing sense of congruence. Most importantly, the experience of parenting with conscious awareness offers an opportunity to develop a deeper understanding of inner experiences such as reactive patterns, unhealed wounds, internalized beliefs and expectations about parenting, fears and anxieties, and projections. Choosing to be cognizant of their inner world and its influence on the way they parent, conscious mothers get to grow through the process of nurturing their children. They add emotional and even spiritual depth to the process of parenting, which positively influences them, their children, and their relationships. Engaging in conscious mothering can contribute to improved overall well-being for mothers, promoting a sense of fulfillment and purpose in the parenting role that can lead to greater satisfaction and happiness.

Given the already challenging nature of parenting in our hectic and high-paced world, the prospect of developing a conscious approach can seem daunting. But those who wish to venture on this path can start with small and simple practices, like the ones below.

Five Simple Ways to Start Practicing Conscious Mothering

  1. Use interactions with your child as a mindfulness practice.
  2. Work with a therapist to bring conscious awareness into your experience of mothering.
  3. Keep a journal that you write in daily or multiple times per week, using it to check in with yourself and reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and observations—pertaining to the process of parenting, and in general.
  4. Take time to reflect on your parenting choices and identify the personal values or beliefs that guide them.
  5. Thoughtfully embody and model the behaviors and ways of being you wish for your child to adopt.

What is LGBTQIA+ Affirmative Therapy, And Why Does It Matter?

a woman standing in front of a purple wall looking at her cell phone.

LGBTQIA+ affirmative therapy is a type of therapy designed to provide specific support to individuals who identify as LGBTQ+ so that they feel safe, understood, validated, and valued. Therapists who use this approach are specially trained to work with members of the LGBTGQIA+ community and recognize the unique experiences and challenges they face. To accurately be referred to as LGBTQIA+ affirmative, this type of therapy should provide a consistently safe and nonjudgmental space for clients to openly express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns.

Apart from being a space where LGBTQIA+ identified individuals can know they will be understood and treated well, the ultimate goal of affirmative therapy is to support clients in the process of leading authentic and fulfilling lives. To help clients get there, affirmative therapists might encourage an exploration of how sexual orientation and/or gender identity intersect with various areas of the client’s life, such as relationships, career, and family. Affirmative therapy can also be a space to address specific experiences such as the coming out process, the experience of childhood trauma, the effects of systemic marginalization and oppression, cutoff or estrangement from family members, unique relationship challenges, and more. This form of therapy has been shown to be effective in reducing anxiety, depression, relationship conflicts, and stress among LGBTQIA+ individuals.

One of the central elements of affirmative therapy is the therapist’s commitment to be educated, compassionate, affirming, supportive, and validating at every stage of the process. At their core, the therapist acknowledges the client’s sexual orientation and gender identity as a normal part of who they are and respects their right to self-determination. Beyond this, the therapist understands that it is not a client’s job to educate them about the LGBTQIA+ experience. Typically, therapists who provide LGBTQIA+ affirmative therapy are either members of the community themselves or active advocates and allies who have done the work to appropriately and adequately provide this type of therapy. 


For clients who identify as LGBTQIA+, it’s important to have the confidence that therapy will truly be a safe, supportive, and affirming place. That’s why it’s important to seek out an affirmative or specialized therapist, rather than someone who simply says that they’re accepting of LGBTQIA+ individuals. In a world that remains largely heteronormative and cisnormative, it isn’t enough for a therapist to be tolerant of LGBTQIA+ people. Rather, to hold a genuinely safe and helpful space, they should have the qualifications, clinical experience, and understanding of what it means—at the individual, relational, and societal levels—to hold an LGBTQIA+ identity.

Taking Care of Your Mental Health As An LGBTQIA+ Identified Person

a man sitting on a bed looking off into the distance.

People who identify as LGBTQIA+ are at higher risk of experiencing several mental health challenges—not because of who they are as people, but because of the stigmatization of queer identities that still exists in our culture. This can make it hard to live a fully expressed and fulfilled life as an LGBTQIA+ individual while also making it difficult to seek help without fear of judgment. But it’s important to know that queerness is not a mental illness, and seeking help is not a sign of weakness.

If you identify as LGBTQIA+, here are some ways you can take care of your mental health:


1. Prioritize your mental and emotional wellness. Being aware of your mental health challenges and the ways you can address them is a helpful first step in gaining the confidence to seek support. But beyond this, understanding that your mental health matters is fundamental. Start an exploration into how to optimize your mental and emotional wellness by reading books, following reputable mental health influencers, listening to podcasts, and learning about tools and practices you can incorporate into your daily life.

 

  1. Practice self-care. Taking care of your physical and mental health is essential to your overall wellness. Eating well, exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, and practicing good hygiene can all help reduce stress and improve your mood. You can also practice mindfulness, meditation, movement, and other relaxation techniques to help you become the calmest, most centered, most clear-minded version of yourself. 

 

  1. Surround yourself with support. For LGBTQIA+ identified people, community is everything. It’s important to find people who will see you, support you, celebrate you, and make you feel safe. This could be friends, family, members of local community groups, or an LGBTQIA+ affirmative therapist. Online groups and communities can also offer a supportive space to connect with others whose experiences are similar to yours.

    4. Know your rights. The LGBTQIA+ community has made great strides in recent years, but in many parts of the country, discrimination and bigotry still exist. Know your rights and be aware of the resources available to you in case of discrimination or mistreatment.

    5. Seek mental health care when needed. If you feel like your mental health challenges are impacting your daily life, seek professional help. A licensed mental health professional who practices LGBTQIA+ affirmative therapy can provide a safe and supportive environment where you can open up about what you’re experiencing, address your concerns, and develop tools and skills to help you navigate your world in an authentic and empowered way.


Taking care of your mental health as an LGBTQIA+ individual can be challenging, but it’s essential to your overall wellbeing. By finding support, educating yourself, practicing self-care, knowing your rights, and seeking help when needed, you can overcome the struggles you’re facing and live a fulfilling, connected, and fully expressed life.

Common Challenges for LGBTQIA+ Couples, and How Therapy Can Help

two women hugging each other on a city street.

Although LGBTQIA+ people face relationship issues just like those faced by all couples, they also encounter some unique challenges that are unique to their experience. From differences in personal identities and experiences to issues like the impact of discrimination and societal stigma on the relationship, the particular challenges of LGBTQIA+ couples are important to identify. Fortunately, LGBTQIA+ affirmative therapy is an accessible way for couples to address and overcome these challenges in order to build stronger, more connected and mutually satisfying relationships. Here are just a few of the most common relationship issues that LGBTQIA+ couples may face, as well as how therapy can help address them:

1. Difficulty navigating identity. Many LGBTQIA+ individuals struggle with navigating their own identities and understanding their place in society. This can lead to questions or confusion around issues of sexual orientation or gender identity, which can cause tension and confusion in the relationship. An affirmative therapist can provide a safe and supportive space for individuals and couples to explore their identities and work through any feelings of confusion or doubt that may be impacting their relationship.

2. Overcoming discrimination and stigma. Sadly, stigma against the LGBTQIA+ community is still prevalent in many parts of the world. This can put a strain on relationships, especially if one or both partners have experienced discrimination or harassment firsthand. In therapy, couples can process their experiences and develop coping strategies to manage the impacts of discrimination and marginalization on their relationships.

3. Communication difficulties. As with any relationship, communication is a key component of a healthy and thriving partnership. However, communication can be challenging for LGBTQIA+ couples, due to differences in their backgrounds and past experiences. Therapy can be a healthy and productive space to learn tools and strategies that facilitate effective communication, including mindful listening and conflict resolution techniques.

4. Struggles with internalized homophobia. Some LGBTQIA+ individuals may experience internalized homophobia or shame surrounding their sexual orientation or gender identity. This can manifest in a variety of ways, from feelings of self-doubt and low self-worth to difficulty expressing emotions or engaging in intimacy. Therapy can help couples confront and work through these difficult feelings, promoting greater self-acceptance for both partners and deeper emotional openness within the relationship.

5. Managing the stress of coming out. Coming out, or sharing one’s sexual orientation or gender identity with others, can be a significant source of stress for LGBTQIA+ individuals. Many couples face challenges when one person is out and the other isn’t, or when each individual in the relationship has a different way of moving through the world as a queer individual. An affirmative therapist can provide support and guidance to navigate the challenges that come with this unique aspect of LBTQIA+ couples’ relationships. 


 While there are some challenges that come with being an LGBTQIA+ couple, therapy offers an invaluable opportunity to overcome these challenges and build stronger, healthier relationships. Whether you’re struggling with identity, discrimination, communication, internalized homophobia, or the stresses of coming out, an affirmative therapist can provide a safe and supportive space to explore your feelings and develop strategies for greater intimacy and fulfillment.

 

What Is Psychedelic Preparation and Integration?

a woman laying on a couch listening to headphones.

Psychedelic preparation and integration are two aspects of what is commonly referred to as psychedelic assisted therapy. This form of therapy is designed to support individuals who are intentionally engaging in self-work using psychedelics such as psilocybin, ketamine, LSD, and ayahuasca. These medicines can be vital tools for helping individuals explore their consciousness and gain a deeper understanding of themselves and the world around them. Preparation and integration are a vital part of the therapy process designed to enhance the benefits of psychedelic experiences and reduce potential risks.

Psychedelic preparation involves a series of sessions with a trained therapist to help individuals prepare for their psychedelic experience. The preparation process begins with a thorough assessment, to determine whether an individual is an appropriate candidate for psychedelic therapy. It includes education about the effects and potential risks of the specific psychedelic substance being used, an exploration of the individual’s intentions and goals for the experience, and the development of coping strategies to deal with any difficult emotions or thoughts that may arise during the experience.

Psychedelic integration happens after an individual has had an experience with the psychedelic medicine. In these sessions, the therapist and client work together to discuss the insights gained during the psychedelic experience and integrate them into daily life. This part of the process is aimed at creating a sense of meaning and purpose from the psychedelic experiences, helping the client make positive changes in their lives and maintain the benefits of their psychedelic experiences in the long-term.

Psychedelic preparation and integration aren’t for everyone; but for individuals who are looking to explore their consciousness, gain a deeper understanding of themselves and others, and improve their mental health and wellbeing, they can be a powerful and effective tool. This type of therapy may be useful for people suffering from depression, anxiety, PTSD, addiction, and other mental health conditions.

Psychedelic assisted therapy has gained increasing attention in recent years, as studies have shown it to be a promising treatment for mental health conditions. However, it is important to note that psychedelic substances are still illegal in many parts of the world, and their use should only be conducted in safe and supervised settings. 

5 Ways to Become a More Disciplined Person

a man and a woman sitting at a table with a laptop.

5 Ways to Become a More Disciplined Person

 

At this time of year, more than any other, many of us are eager to implement positive changes in our lives. But the truth is, if we don’t have the discipline to work on making those chances, we won’t reach our goals or get the outcomes we desire. Discipline is an essential ingredient in the process of creating change. But it’s something a lot of us are lacking.

 

Discipline is a multi-dimensional skill. It consists of elements such as focus, commitment, structure, consistency, and the willingness to tolerate discomfort. Practicing discipline means choosing to make the effort, even when you don’t feel like it. It means committing yourself to something when you’re tempted to avoid it. It means keeping changed behaviors in place, even after you’ve reached your original goal. Motivation helps you set new goals; commitment helps you start working on them; but only discipline can help you keep the changes and place and turn the goals you achieve into new ways of being.

 

If discipline isn’t your strong suit, don’t stress! There are many ways you can start to develop it, no matter how old you are or how undisciplined you might be. Here are 5 simple ways you can get started:

 

  • Identify the areas where you struggle most. For some people it’s following through on a task or commitment; for others it’s finishing what they’ve started. Some people have the hardest time with implementing new behaviors on a consistent basis. Others struggle most with making excuses and talking themselves out of their efforts to change. Take an honest look at your own challenge areas, so you can see where the work is most needed.

 

  • Set yourself up for success. Sometimes, the things that get in the way of being disciplined are things people tend not to consider, like getting enough sleep and maintaining proper nutrition. Paying attention to these lifestyle basics will help you access the energy and mental focus you’ll need to stay disciplined.

 

  • Notice the thoughts and emotions that drain you of discipline. It’s one thing to work towards a goal when you’re motivated; it’s another to keep at it, even when you don’t feel like it. This is what discipline is all about. Your thoughts and feelings, which are constantly changing, can easily keep you from making good on the promises you make to yourself. To keep this from happening, pay attention to the emotions and feeling states that tend to derail you, and be mindful of the kinds of thoughts that keep you from sticking to your commitments.

 

  • Write things down and set reminders. Distraction is a big barrier to discipline. To keep it from taking you off course, organize yourself by writing down your goals/intentions/tasks and keeping them somewhere you’ll be sure to look at on a regular basis. Get a calendar or planner, if you don’t already have one, where you can write things down and keep yourself organized. Set reminders in your phone or use organizational apps and digital tools to keep yourself on track.

 

  • Practice delayed gratification. Our world is wiring us all for instant gratification, and it’s never been easier to take shortcuts and stay on the comfortable path of least resistance. But discipline requires delayed gratification—the ability to sustain effort in the absence of reward. This can be incredibly difficult, especially if you didn’t develop the ability early on in life; but you can train yourself to get better at it. Start with small practices, like not turning on the TV until you’ve completed all the essential tasks on your to-do list; not opening TikTok until you’ve sent those important work emails; or waiting to enjoy your morning coffee until after you’ve finished a 30-minute workout. Eventually, you can build up to setting bigger goals that require discipline and delayed gratification to complete.

 

Looking Beyond Labels: Why Diagnoses Don’t Always Help

a woman sitting on a bench in front of a cloudy sky.

Looking Beyond Labels: Why Diagnoses Don’t Always Help

 

If you’ve ever gone to see a therapist or psychiatrist, especially if it’s been covered by your insurance, you’ve likely received a mental health diagnosis. This type of diagnosis is derived from The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM. The manual, currently in its 5th edition, is intended to be a means by which mental health professionals can assess an individual’s functioning based on predetermined criteria that are decided upon by a council of medical and mental health professionals. At its best, the DSM offers professionals a way to understand their patients’ needs more clearly, in order to provide targeted and effective clinical care. But the truth is, this diagnostic system often doesn’t function at its best. 

 

Realistically speaking, every diagnosis in the DSM is a snapshot of normal human behavior at a certain degree of intensity and duration. Take Major Depressive Disorder, for example. To meet criteria, a person needs to exhibit at least 5 of 7 specific symptoms over the course of at least 2 weeks. These symptoms include insomnia, depressed mood, loss of interest or pleasure in most activities, poor concentration, and changes in appetite. The truth is, most of us have, at some point or another in our lives, exhibited these “symptoms.” Sure, we may not all go through several of those things at once, or for as long a period of time; but what’s described by that diagnosis is well within the spectrum of the typical human experience. 

 

What tends to happen far too often is that diagnoses become labels that serve as markers of identity. Professionals, if they aren’t mindful, think of their patients as disorders rather than people. They focus so much on symptoms and criteria that they fail to see the unique, dynamic, multidimensional human being in front of them. They fail to consider important and highly relevant factors such as context, culture, and environment; and, most unfortunately, they assume their patients’ experience and needs, rather than being curious about them. For people on the receiving end of these diagnoses, getting labeled as “depressed,” “anxious,” “bipolar,” “ADHD” or “borderline” can feel stigmatizing and damning. It’s not to say that people aren’t helped by getting a clear diagnosis; it can certainly be relieving to put a label on what you’ve been experiencing. But when that label starts to dictate how you see yourself and what you believe to be possible for your life, it’s a problem. 

 

At Evergreen, we take a non-pathologizing approach to therapy. This means that, though we’re knowledgeable about the DSM and have a firm understanding of diagnostic criteria, this isn’t what we lead with in our work with clients. We believe that each person who comes to therapy is a unique individual having a distinctive experience in a specific context. We don’t listen to find out what’s wrong with our clients; we join with them in a state of sincere curiosity about what’s been happening in their lives and what they desire for the future. We listen to identify their strengths and resources, and we collaborate to discover solutions. The way we see it, every diagnosis—just like every part of the human experience—can be broken down into separate pieces. So, instead of working on your depression, we’ll focus on your guilt and explore it in ways that offer clarity and relief. Instead of working on your anxiety disorder, we’ll look at the mental, emotional, and physical dimensions of the anxiety you’ve been experiencing. With that understanding, we’ll collaborate with you to design solutions that will help you feel more grounded and less overwhelmed. Our aim, with each client we meet, is to honor their unique experience and look beyond labels to create new possibilities.

Dealing with the Dark Side of Family Time

two young women standing next to each other.

Dealing With the Dark Side of Family Time 

 

The late spiritual teacher Ram Dass once offered the sage advice, “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” I often find myself echoing some version of these words in my conversations with clients who, feeling like they’ve made considerable progress in their personal development, find themselves frustrated after spending time with family. They tell me that things they thought they had resolved suddenly resurfaced in the presence of family members. Without warning, the grounded and responsive version of themselves they worked so hard to become was quickly replaced with an emotionally reactive and easily triggered version they thought they’d left behind. The first thing I do when clients share with me the disappointing encounters they’ve had around their families is to remind them that this is totally normal. Just as Ram Dass’s words suggest, no matter how far any of us believes we’ve gotten along the path of personal growth or spiritual enlightenment, time with family is bound to put our tools, our skills, and our insights to the ultimate test. This might seem counterintuitive. Why is it easier to be your best and highest self around strangers and acquaintances than it is around the people you’ve known all your life? It’s natural to find this confusing; but perhaps it shouldn’t come as such a surprise. After all, your family of origin—or, in other words, the family you were born into—is the environment in which you were shaped and molded. It’s where you first developed a sense of yourself and a way of seeing the world. The family environment is an emotionally charged environment that has its own energetic force field. When you return to that environment after becoming your own individual self, you reenter that force field. The effects of this differ from person to person, but they can include:  

 

  • Irritability or agitation 
  • A feeling of being easily triggered or set off 
  • Physical symptoms of anxiety (e.g., rapid heartrate, clamminess, dizziness)
  • Fatigue
  • Regression to a less mature, more childlike version of yourself 
  • Difficulty speaking up or stating an opinion
  • Heightened sensitivity or sense of insecurity 
  • An unconscious resuming of old roles once played in the family 
  • Brain fog and difficulty concentrating 

 

If you suffered childhood trauma or were subject to abuse in your family home, returning to the family environment can be especially destabilizing. When that’s the case, it’s important to develop a self-care plan and clear set of boundaries to help you keep the experience as emotionally safe as possible. Working with a therapist or survivor support group is a great way to develop these tools so that, if you do find yourself around family for planned or unexpected reasons, you can take care of yourself through the process. Regardless of your history or the nature of your relationships with family members, you’re likely to feel some effects from returning to a family environment as an independent adult. You might feel certain emotions come up, or notice a less preferred side of you coming out. When this happens, avoid the temptation to beat yourself up, and try to observe what’s happening with tender curiosity. Allow yourself to be a little less enlightened than you thought you were, and aim to approach the experience with mindful awareness. Practice breathing a little deeper, talking to yourself a little more kindly, and seeing your family landscape through a different lens. Use the tools you’ve been reading in books and talking about in therapy. Though you might come away from the encounter realizing there’s more work for you to do on yourself (not such a bad thing, in my eyes!), you might also find yourself with new understandings of yourself and your family that can help you grow, heal, and expand.