One of my clients recently shared with me that he had a dream in which every mirror he looked into reflected back to him a terrifying, gruesome face that didn’t resemble his own. No matter how many mirrors he tried or how many attempts he made to find himself reflected clearly, all he could see was that hideous visage. Although my client was undoubtedly disturbed by his dream, we discovered together that it served as an important metaphor for something he was addressing in his work with me. Like the mirrors in his dreams that would only reflect back a warped, ugly image, my client’s sense of himself in real life was distorted in an equally disturbing way. And because he saw himself so poorly, he suffered greatly in every domain of his life. He believed he was ugly, so he avoided dating. He believed he was stupid (in spite of having an above average IQ), so he chose an unfulfilling career that wouldn’t present any intellectual challenges. He believed he wasn’t worthy of connection, so he limited his contact with others and felt deep pain because of it. This particular client’s situation might seem extreme, but on some level, most people can relate to it.
Human beings are meaning-making machines. Our brains take in information and create interpretations about it. These interpretations eventually become beliefs, and out of those beliefs sprout the thoughts that flow automatically through our minds as we navigate the world. Most of us identify so much with those thoughts that we have difficulty thinking something without becoming attached to it, accepting it as a statement of fact, and inferring from it things about ourselves. Over time it becomes so that our sense of self is, in large part, shaped by what we think. Our thoughts influence our emotions, our emotions drive our actions, our actions become our habits, our habits become our lifestyles, and our lifestyles dictate our destiny. If we aren’t careful, we become slaves to the content of our own minds. We create a false sense of self that negatively shapes our lives and limits our potential.
If you want to see yourself more clearly, like my client did, you have to start by examining and challenging the stuff inside your mind. It is fundamentally true that you are not your thoughts. Nor are you your beliefs, emotions, or events from your past. This might make sense to you, but give it a little more thought. Can you think of something you believe about yourself that influences how you feel and behave? Maybe you believe that you won’t enjoy life until retirement. Or perhaps you believe you won’t be happy until you lose 10 pounds. Somewhere inside of your mind are beliefs you picked up a long time ago, which heavily influence how you live your life. When you base your sense of self on what you believe, you limit what you can experience.
Challenging your beliefs is the first step to seeing yourself more clearly and freeing yourself of unnecessary, self-imposed limitations. Once you start abolishing the beliefs that no longer serve you, it’s time to give your thoughts a similar treatment. Like I tell my clients all the time, one of the best things you can do for yourself in life is recognize that most of your thoughts are bullshit. What I mean is that your thoughts are just thoughts. In the most literal sense, they’re electrical impulses in your brain that carry data in the form of language. That’s it. They aren’t facts, truths, or reflections of who you are. But if you aren’t paying attention, you’ll start believing them and making assumptions about who you are based on them. This is what makes most people suffer.
Practices like meditation, mindfulness, and journaling can help you begin observing your thoughts and beliefs, and therapy is a great way to take that practice to the next level. Getting into the habit of examining your beliefs, watching your thoughts, and soliciting the feedback of an unbiased outsider can put you on the path toward freeing yourself and gaining a clearer sense of who you are. The truth is, you have the opportunity to be different each and every moment of your life. Whether that difference comes through something like taking a breath instead of taking action or making a bold decision instead of playing small, you have the ability to create new experiences by varying the way you go through life. And it all starts with watching how you think and being wary of the lies you tell yourself.
Now, I’m not saying that you should do away with all ideas about who you are. I’m also not suggesting that you can ever have a totally clear sense of self. However, as recent neuroscience research suggests, the more flexible we are about our sense of self, the healthier we’ll be. So if you’ve been looking in the proverbial mirror and not liking what you see, start by considering what you’ve been telling yourself about yourself. And then get busy telling yourself a new story. Because you really aren’t who you think you are—you’re much, much greater.
