The Power of Now: Learning to Live Like You’re Dying

a person's hand reaching out towards the water.

A few nights ago I had a heart opening phone conversation with a dear friend as he spent time with his family following the death of his beloved grandmother. We spoke about death, grief, and the meaning of life. We connected and reflected, each of us sharing openly and vulnerably about our understanding of death and the meaning we make of it. At one point in the conversation, my friend asked me, “If you could find out the day you’re going to die, would you want to know?” Instinctively, I answered, “No way.” When I posed the same question to him, however, he quickly answered, “Absolutely.”  The conversation that followed made a big impact on me and inspired me to write this post.

Although my friend and I didn’t share the same view about being told when we’ll die, we did agree about something: We have a serious case of death denial. Most of us—unless we have a terminal illness and know that death is imminent—go through life without giving much thought to our mortality. And though that certainly keeps us from having to dwell in morbid territory, it also has potential to keep us from living as fully as we could be.

When you get down to it, the truth is that life is always now. What I mean is that the past is gone and the future hasn’t happened yet, so the present moment is the only place we can ever be. It’s the only time that matters. When we we take the present moment for granted, assuming there’s always tomorrow, we miss out on opportunities to live fully and freely.

The reason my friend would want to know when he’s going to die is that he believes it would help remind him to make the most of life. He put it to me this way: “You know, we say we’re afraid of death; but what we really seem to be afraid of is life!” He went on to explain that perhaps knowing how much time he had left would be an antidote to fear and an encouragement to just go for it, whatever it is, because life is short and time is precious. This was a perspective I hadn’t previously considered.

When I work with clients in therapy or coaching, I’m committed to helping them access their potential and use their inherent resources and strengths to resolve whatever challenges they’re encountering. My clients often share with me that the more they get in touch with their potential and purpose, the richer their lives become. They experience more clarity, more appreciation for their lives, and a deeper understanding of what’s important to them. Essentially, our work together supports them in breaking through everything keeping them from living life to the fullest. So when my friend said what he did about using awareness of death as a means of enriching life, I understood perfectly what he was saying—and I had to agree.

Most of us won’t find out in advance exactly when we’re going to die, but that doesn’t mean we can’t live with urgency, passion, commitment, and presence. If we abandon our death denial and choose, instead, to stay fully aware of the brevity of life, we create the potential to make each moment count. Because our time here is short, tomorrow’s never promised, and life is always NOW.

So what would happen if you replaced your death denial with death awareness? What would it inspire you to do that you haven’t been doing? What would it free you up to experience or express?

We don’t like to think about it, but it’s important that we face it: We’re all dying. Every last one of us. And we don’t know when our time will run out. Instead of resisting this realization, I say we embrace it. Because life gets much more meaningful, much more beautiful when we remember that it won’t last forever.  So today and every day, I invite you to seize the power of the present moment and live like you know you’re dying. Treat each moment as a gift, and laugh in the face of fear. All we’ve got is the dash between our date of birth and date of death; let’s make it count.

 

“So, think about this long and hard. Are there things you’d like to change? For you never know how much time is left that can still be rearranged.”

– Linda Ellis, The Dash

How To Be At Peace When Everyone Says You Shouldn’t Be

a view of clouds from an airplane.

There’s no doubt 2016 has been a crazy year. We’ve seen more tragedies, tensions, and surprises than any of us can keep track of, and the hits just keep on coming. The events of this year have had many people glued to their televisions and sucked into the social media vortex, trying to keep up with the latest information about the most current major news item. But at the rate this information—both accurate and sensationalized—is pumped out by the media, it’s impossible to keep up.

The beautiful thing about having access to as much information as we do is that we’re able to maintain a sense of awareness about what’s going on in the world. Through this awareness, we can access our ability to speak up and take action wherever appropriate. We can hold our leaders accountable and be agents of change.  But of course, there’s also a down side to having a constant stream of information accessible around the clock. If we aren’t mindful and moderate about our news consumption, we’re likely to experience negative emotions and generate certain assumptions about the world.

We don’t need to try too hard to find reasons to be discouraged and disappointed about the state of things, and we’re persistently given reasons to feel anxious and afraid. For example, just a moment ago I received an email from a local publication with the subject: “Now that the election is over, here are some local issues for you to worry about.” If we allow the emotions stoked in us by the news to dictate the way we experience the world, it’s going to shape that experience in unhelpful ways. We’re likely to look around us with suspicion and judgment, seeing things that support and confirm a pessimistic perspective about our world and its future.

There’s a popular line of reasoning in our culture that suggests a person must be fully informed about everything going on in the world in order to be a good citizen. Now, I’m not opposing that view, as it’s certainly important to have some sense of what’s going on. But if getting informed means getting anxious, angry, guarded, hopeless, or overwhelmed, that’s pretty obviously counterproductive. So how can we remain peaceful and hopeful when everyone’s suggesting that we should be anything but that? Here are just a few ideas for creating that possibility:

  • Walk the middle path. As with just about everything in life, balance is key when it comes to consuming information about current events (and related projections for the future). Stay informed only to the extent that it allows you to direct your energy and efforts toward positive change. Anything more has the potential to perpetuate the problems at hand.
  • Be peace. Even when everything around you suggests otherwise, peace is always available to you. And you are powerful enough to create it. Be intentional about finding opportunities to generate a sense of peace and stillness within, and know that by radiating that peace outward to everyone around you, you’re making an invaluable contribution to the world.
  • Be daring enough to hope. It’s a radical act to be hopeful when there’s little evidence that the future is bright. But if you want to remain peaceful and be a source of change for the future, you must hold on to hope at all costs. And once you’ve got a firm grasp, start sharing that hope with others, getting them to see what you do.
  • Trust that everything has its purpose. It’s not easy to access trust when everything seems like it’s falling apart. And within the context of a cultural climate that is generally pessimistic, it’s even harder to be trusting. But when you can find the faith that everything occurring is part of a plan—perhaps serving as a painful yet necessary step toward true progress—you will find that peace is possible.

Now, more than ever, the world needs us to stay grounded, keep our hearts open, and be instruments of peace. It’s up to all of us to create the world we want to live in and leave behind. So as the spiritual teacher Mooji so beautifully said, “Don’t remind the world that it is sick and troubled. Remind it that it is beautiful and free.”

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When Hanging In There Hurts

a hot air balloon floating over the water at night.

If there’s one thing we can count on in this world, it’s change. However hard we may try to keep things consistent, we can’t contend with the fundamental nature of life, which is to remain in a perpetual state of transition and transformation. It’s easy for us to embrace this reality when the changes are favorable. We love seeing the clock strike 5:00 on Friday. We get really excited about getting stronger, losing weight, earning fancier titles, and making more money. We celebrate births, graduations, and all manner of new beginnings. But when it comes to the difficult periods of transition, we tend to be much less willing to lean in to the change.

There’s a certain expression in our culture that people often use when someone’s going through a painful or difficult time of transition: “Hang in there.” It’s a way of saying, “I know this isn’t easy, but don’t give up. This will end eventually.” The expression conveys empathy and compassion; it’s intended to be comforting. But what if those words aren’t enough to sooth something that feels unmanageable or overwhelming? What do you do when hanging on starts to hurt?

1) Breathe and meditate. Breathe with intention and practice centering your mind on the present moment. When going through dark times, it can be easy to get carried away and create catastrophic stories about what the future will hold. It will serve you to develop a practice of anchoring your attention back in the present moment whenever your mind begins to wander. Continue to remind yourself that you will get through this—one moment, one breath at a time.

2) Take care of yourself. Manage your stress and find ways to unwind and decompress. Maintain a balanced and consistent routine as much as you can. Attend to your food, exercise, and sleep habits. It’s easy to neglect your needs and break routines when times are tough. But you’ve got to be well to manage your challenges, get through the tough stuff, and overcome the obstacles in your way.

3) Recall other difficult episodes that you’ve gotten through. Remind yourself that there was another time in your life when you felt confused, afraid, uncertain, or desperate for things to get better. Remember that things eventually changed, and you stopped feeling as awful as you once did. This, too, shall pass.

4) Call on your faith and courage. Whatever spiritual or religions convictions you might have, this is the time to lean on them. Trust that no matter how difficult your present circumstances may be, they are molding you into a stronger, wiser more understanding version of yourself. Access your inner courage and fortitude, and know that you will get to the other side of this, whatever it is.

No matter what you’re going through or how painful it may be, it won’t last forever. Nothing does. Keep these tips in mind and know that you can make it through anything that comes your way.