In this edition of Ask a Therapist, I’m addressing a question I get asked pretty often: How do I mend a broken relationship? Of course, every relationship and circumstance is different; but there are some general considerations that can support the repair process. Whether you’re looking to re-open lines of communication with someone, re-establish trust with your significant other, or mend the rifts in a meaningful relationship, here are a few things to keep in mind.
1) Spend some time reflecting about what happened. This is a crucial step in the repair process, because it’s important to get clear about what happened and how you contributed to it. In the heat of the moment, it can be hard to comprehend what’s happening; and in the aftermath, it’s easy to focus on your hurt feelings and what the other person did to cause them. Before you make any effort to repair the relationship, give some thought to what took place, and see the part you played in it. Look also at how you interpreted the situation, what hurt you most about what happened, what you would have wanted to play out differently, and what you could have done differently to create that outcome. Having a clear, centered, and non-blaming perspective will support you greatly in your repair efforts.
2) Give some thought to what you really want from the relationship. It’s uncomfortable, and often painful, to be at odds with someone you care about; but before you rush to make things better, reflect on your intentions. Be clear and honest with yourself about whether and why you want the other person in your life. And here’s a really important part: be sure you want to move forward with this person as he or she actually is, not as you would prefer for him or her to be. This step is all about being honest with yourself and, in some cases, being willing to consider that the relationship may not be worth salvaging. Skipping this step could lead to resentments down the road, so take your time with it. Think carefully about what the relationship means to you and what role you can see it playing in your life moving forward
3) Approach the initial conversation with sincere openness. If you’ve completed the first two steps and still want to move forward in the repair process, the next step is reaching out and inviting the other person into a conversation. Let him or her know that you’ve been reflecting on the relationship and the way things occurred between you, and you’d like to work on repairing it. Understand that he or she might not be ready or willing to talk. And that’s okay. The time may not be right now, but that doesn’t mean repair will never happen. Give it time, have faith, and be open to the possibility of the conversation happening in the future.
4) Communicate mindfully. If you reach out to the other person and he or she is willing to talk, prepare to approach the conversation mindfully. Make sure you’re focused and centered, attending to your breath and staying present and connected throughout the dialogue. Be willing to see things from another perspective, and listen to the other person without defending yourself. When it’s your turn to speak, focus on your experience without placing blame on the other person. Be honest and open, keeping in mind—especially during the more difficult parts of the conversation—that your primary intention is to reconnect, repair, and move forward.
5) Establish boundaries as needed. Sometimes it’s important to have a conversation about boundaries before moving forward in a relationship. This can be a difficult subject to broach, but it’s important to do it so that similar transgressions don’t occur in the future. If your personal boundaries were violated in the relationship, be sure to speak up about it and clearly express what you need moving forward. This is a challenging but crucial step in the process, as it involves truly working on repair instead of simply glossing over what happened and rushing to make things right again. Be willing to speak up, but remember not to reject your understanding and compassion in order to do it!
6) Give yourself credit, and be grateful. Nobody’s perfect, and no relationship is perfect either. Open communication, mutual respect, compassionate understanding, and willingness to forgive are all part of the process—and that process isn’t easy! So give yourself credit for doing the work; and give the other person credit, too. Express gratitude for him or her, and acknowledge your mutual decision to heal and grow together. This is a beautiful way to honor the repair process and build on your relationship, offering it the potential to grow stronger and more fulfilling for both of you.