Let’s Bring YOLO Back—This Time With Feeling

a woman holding an umbrella in the dark.

Remember YOLO? The once-common acronym that stands for “you only live once” has fallen out of our common vernacular in recent years. But in its heyday, YOLO was the kind of thing people would throw around often—particularly before doing something crazy. In fact, the interjection made its way into the Oxford dictionary in 2016 and is defined there as an informal expression that’s “often used as a rationale for impulsive or reckless behavior.” I remember hearing YOLO used to preempt excessive drinking or other potentially dangerous activity and thinking what a shame it was to waste such a clever acronym (it sort of rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?) on something so contradictory. If we get only one life to live, I wondered, why would we squander or compromise it? Why would we invoke the phrase to celebrate reckless choices?

Thankfully, YOLO went the way of most other trendy phrases and is seldom heard these days. And I think we’re all okay with that. But I’ve been thinking . . . what if we bring it back?

I’ll let you finish your eye roll before I go on . . .

Okay, so here’s what I mean. When you think about it, the acronym stands in the place of a powerful statement reflecting a profound existential truth: we only live once. These words are a reminder of the brevity of life—and like most things that happen only once, that life is pretty special. But how often do we pause to remind ourselves of this? How present are we to the reality that this will all come to an end?

I’m a firm believer that death does a better job than anyone or anything at teaching us how to live. Knowing that our time will run out can infuse deep meaning into every moment; but it’s easy to lose sight of this. It’s easy to waste the moments by rushing through them or staying numb—in other words, by doing the kinds of things YOLO was once used to justify. But assuming we only live once—in this particular incarnation, at least—why not make the most out of each and every moment? Why not fill our lives with meaning and connect with our experience, knowing that it will one day come to an end?

What I mean by suggesting we bring YOLO back is that it’s a good time to return to the truth of our mortality and stay connected to it in devoted commitment to making each moment matter. While we might not revive the trend and throw YOLO around like we once did, let’s write the spirit of it into our hearts and carry it with us everywhere we go. Let’s breathe a little more deeply, love a little more freely. Let’s take time to make peace with time. Let’s hold space for the presence of life and death, allowing ourselves to learn all the lessons we can in this singular, brief, and wondrous existence.

And now I’ll leave you to ponder these words as I sip my oolong tea and marvel at the birds soaring past my open window . . . because YOLO!

The Power of Now: Learning to Live Like You’re Dying

a person's hand reaching out towards the water.

A few nights ago I had a heart opening phone conversation with a dear friend as he spent time with his family following the death of his beloved grandmother. We spoke about death, grief, and the meaning of life. We connected and reflected, each of us sharing openly and vulnerably about our understanding of death and the meaning we make of it. At one point in the conversation, my friend asked me, “If you could find out the day you’re going to die, would you want to know?” Instinctively, I answered, “No way.” When I posed the same question to him, however, he quickly answered, “Absolutely.”  The conversation that followed made a big impact on me and inspired me to write this post.

Although my friend and I didn’t share the same view about being told when we’ll die, we did agree about something: We have a serious case of death denial. Most of us—unless we have a terminal illness and know that death is imminent—go through life without giving much thought to our mortality. And though that certainly keeps us from having to dwell in morbid territory, it also has potential to keep us from living as fully as we could be.

When you get down to it, the truth is that life is always now. What I mean is that the past is gone and the future hasn’t happened yet, so the present moment is the only place we can ever be. It’s the only time that matters. When we we take the present moment for granted, assuming there’s always tomorrow, we miss out on opportunities to live fully and freely.

The reason my friend would want to know when he’s going to die is that he believes it would help remind him to make the most of life. He put it to me this way: “You know, we say we’re afraid of death; but what we really seem to be afraid of is life!” He went on to explain that perhaps knowing how much time he had left would be an antidote to fear and an encouragement to just go for it, whatever it is, because life is short and time is precious. This was a perspective I hadn’t previously considered.

When I work with clients in therapy or coaching, I’m committed to helping them access their potential and use their inherent resources and strengths to resolve whatever challenges they’re encountering. My clients often share with me that the more they get in touch with their potential and purpose, the richer their lives become. They experience more clarity, more appreciation for their lives, and a deeper understanding of what’s important to them. Essentially, our work together supports them in breaking through everything keeping them from living life to the fullest. So when my friend said what he did about using awareness of death as a means of enriching life, I understood perfectly what he was saying—and I had to agree.

Most of us won’t find out in advance exactly when we’re going to die, but that doesn’t mean we can’t live with urgency, passion, commitment, and presence. If we abandon our death denial and choose, instead, to stay fully aware of the brevity of life, we create the potential to make each moment count. Because our time here is short, tomorrow’s never promised, and life is always NOW.

So what would happen if you replaced your death denial with death awareness? What would it inspire you to do that you haven’t been doing? What would it free you up to experience or express?

We don’t like to think about it, but it’s important that we face it: We’re all dying. Every last one of us. And we don’t know when our time will run out. Instead of resisting this realization, I say we embrace it. Because life gets much more meaningful, much more beautiful when we remember that it won’t last forever.  So today and every day, I invite you to seize the power of the present moment and live like you know you’re dying. Treat each moment as a gift, and laugh in the face of fear. All we’ve got is the dash between our date of birth and date of death; let’s make it count.

 

“So, think about this long and hard. Are there things you’d like to change? For you never know how much time is left that can still be rearranged.”

– Linda Ellis, The Dash

Mind Your Presence; It Matters

a view of tall trees in a forest.

I once worked with a client who sought therapy in the midst of an uncomfortable conflict; she came to me to help her way think and feel her way through her conundrum and find some resolution. During our first session together, this bright, confident woman openly shared her struggle with me. She explained that she was in a monogamous relationship with her high school sweetheart but recently found herself falling in love with someone who worked in her office building. Although she loved her partner dearly, she was intrigued by the “newness” of this other man.

When she arrived for the first session, this client appeared distraught and dejected, and she described the way she was feeling in more or less the same way. I asked her if she had talked about what she was experiencing with anyone else. She said she told two of her girlfriends, both of whom admonished her for being unfaithful and urged her to stop talking to the other man. She also spoke with her older sister, who suggested that she leave her partner, because “it isn’t natural to be with the same person for so long.”

At the end of the session, the client thanked me enthusiastically and told me she had found our time together to be profoundly helpful. I reminded her that I didn’t do much, and she acknowledged it. She said, “That’s mostly why it helped. You were the first person who just sat with me and let me sort through it out loud. I think all I really needed was to be able to come to my own conclusion, and you made it possible for me to do that.”  What she said next was, for me, quite significant: “Sometimes it’s a person’s presence that makes all the difference.” I couldn’t agree with her more.

We live in divisive times, which complicates and challenges our capacity to communicate clearly and compassionately with each other. It’s all too easy to get so committed to one way of looking at things that any other view becomes impossible to acknowledge, let alone accept. This makes for interactions that are guarded, at best, and destructive, at worst. Whether discussing politics or conversing over cocktails about the stories of our lives, we all run the risk of letting our judgments interfere with our ability to connect with others—even if those so-called others are people we know and love.

When my client appreciated my being present with her, I felt both gratified and grateful. It served to remind me of why I first felt called to this work, and it affirmed my own belief in the power of presence. Many people have the experience of holding back from expressing themselves or vocalizing whatever they’re going through out of fear that they’ll be criticized or ostracized. Unfortunately, this fear often stems from past experience, as it isn’t uncommon for people to have difficulty responding with curiosity and care when what they’re hearing doesn’t jibe with their personal beliefs.

I think that most people—whatever their preferences or principles might be—can get behind the notion that the world would benefit from more peace and understanding. But regardless of how monumental it might seem to accomplish that, it starts in small and simple ways. It starts with you and me, right here and now. Even the smallest and subtlest interactions can make a world of difference; added together, they’ll make the world different.

I invite you to consider how you can begin to get intentional about the way you show up in the interpersonal encounters of your daily life. Here are some ideas to support your efforts to cultivate a more supportive presence.

  • It’s not always what you say. Sometimes it’s how you say it, and other times, it’s what you don’t say that matters most. Be as aware of the ways in which you communicate—through your tone, timing, and body language, for example—as you are of the words you use. And remember that you don’t have to speak to be beneficial. By being willing to keep company with someone who needs it, you’re already making a remarkable difference.
  • Get curious. As I’ve mentioned in this blog before, curiosity is the antidote to many of the damaging ways we might be inclined to treat one another. When someone is sharing anything with you, they’re demonstrating some degree of courage and vulnerability. When you can lean in with curiosity rather than pull back in fear or disgust, you allow the person to feel seen, heard, and understood. That goes a long way.
  • Practice genuine listening. Listen to understand, rather than to respond. When it comes to being a good listener, most people have room for improvement. Sure, it can be difficult to set aside whatever you might want to say in order to really listen to what another person is saying to you. But focusing on forming a response to what you’re hearing makes it so that you’re not really receiving what’s being shared with you—and that comes across. Listening, like most things, is a skill that can be acquired and refined with practice. Challenge yourself to become fully immersed in the act of listening, trusting all the while that your chance to speak will come, and other people’s willingness to listen will improve as a function of your having been so fully present for them.
  • You can’t go wrong with kindness. At the end of the day, what most people want is to be treated with respect and understanding. You don’t have to be the most articulate person in the world to be a source of tremendous support to other people. All you have to be is willing enough to keep people company and radiate warmth and kindness while you do it. If you’ve ever been going through something difficult, you know how much another person’s kindness can contribute to turning things around. Be that person for others.
  • Concern yourself less with whether you agree or disagree and more with how the exchange transpires. In our current social context, voicing an opinion and seeking to be right often seems more important than connecting with other people and exchanging ideas. The truth is, we don’t always have to agree in order to keep good company with each other. In fact, there’s immeasurable value in viewing things differently; it creates opportunities for learning and growth. But that can only happen if both people mind their presence and show up to the exchange with a willingness to be curious, compassionate, collegial, and kind.

In our current times, it can be easy to get discouraged by the state of human affairs. It might be tempting to lose hope or become hardened to others, choosing separation over connection. But I urge you to have the fortitude to be a source of light in the world. Take small but significant actions toward being more present for others—as well as for yourself—and start to watch your interactions transform in surprising and inspiring new ways.

Feeding the Gentle Wolf: The Power of Mindfulness Practice

a wolf is standing in the grass looking at the camera.

Much of the content I write about on this blog, and a big part of the work I do in therapy, is grounded in centuries-old Eastern philosophies, particularly from the Zen Buddhist and Taoist traditions. I find that this ancient wisdom has significant relevance to the kinds of things many of us experience in our daily lives. Perhaps the most profoundly impactful of these concepts—and certainly the one I talk about most —is that of mindfulness.

Mindfulness has become a bit of a buzzword in our culture recently. It’s been referenced in numerous publications, incorporated in countless studies, and suggested as an intervention for a great number of modern-day challenges. So what is this extraordinary concept all about?

Well, to tell you the truth, it’s really quite simple. Mindfulness is essentially the practice of paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment. It involves observing our experience as it’s happening and responding to it with a spirit of acceptance and non-judgment.

When we live mindfully, we attend to our experience in the here-and-now, taking stock of whatever is happening around us and inside of us. This enables us to stay grounded in the present moment and appreciate our thoughts, sensations, emotions, and surroundings.

The practice of mindfulness is essentially a practice of bringing your mind to meet your body in real time. If you stop to think about it, you’re able to perform most of your daily activities without dedicating 100% of your attention to them. Your body completes the tasks without your mind needing to be fully present. Take washing your hands, for example. While your body goes through the motions, your mind is free to wander—and wander it likely does. The practice of mindfully washing your hands considerably transforms the activity, as it involves bringing your full awareness to the experience. It means feeling the contours of the faucet against your hand as you turn it on, sensing the temperature of the water as it rushes over your skin, seeing your hands move through space to reach for the soap and sponge, smelling the soap as it slips over and between your hands, watching the bubbles encase your hands and then be washed away by the stream of water that you can hear gushing out of the faucet. It’s quite a departure from the typical hand-washing experience, which basically involves going through the motions while mentally time traveling to the past (“I really didn’t like the tone he took with me in that email”) or the future (“What was that item I said I needed to get at the store later?”).

In reality, unless we’re acting mindfully, we’re not really acting at all. To act requires consciousness and intention; so when we go through our daily activities on autopilot, we end up having a passive experience of our lives. It’s no wonder we so often experience boredom, frustration, dissatisfaction, and agitation without knowing why. When we think and emote mindfully, we tune in to our internal experience, getting curious about our thoughts and learning from our feelings. We practice responding to our internal and external experiences rather than impulsively reacting to them. Approached mindfully, a rush of anger is not a command to act aggressively but an invitation to turn inward and find out what caused it to arise. A troubling thought is no longer an introduction to suffering but an opportunity to witness the natural tendency for thoughts to come and go.

When we are mindful, we give ourselves permission to gently stay with our present-moment experience rather than resist it or try to turn it into something more pleasant. We surf the wave of our emotions, trusting ourselves to respond to them thoughtfully, calmly, and responsibly. When the wave breaks, we enjoy, with appreciation, the experience of having ridden it, and we wait patiently to see what the ocean presents to us next.

I’ll be offering much more food for thought on the concept and practice of mindfulness through this blog. In the meantime, I invite you to watch the delightful (and short) videos below on the power of mindfulness and its potential to transform our experience of life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6T02g5hnT4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzKryaN44ss