A few nights ago I had a heart opening phone conversation with a dear friend as he spent time with his family following the death of his beloved grandmother. We spoke about death, grief, and the meaning of life. We connected and reflected, each of us sharing openly and vulnerably about our understanding of death and the meaning we make of it. At one point in the conversation, my friend asked me, “If you could find out the day you’re going to die, would you want to know?” Instinctively, I answered, “No way.” When I posed the same question to him, however, he quickly answered, “Absolutely.” The conversation that followed made a big impact on me and inspired me to write this post.
Although my friend and I didn’t share the same view about being told when we’ll die, we did agree about something: We have a serious case of death denial. Most of us—unless we have a terminal illness and know that death is imminent—go through life without giving much thought to our mortality. And though that certainly keeps us from having to dwell in morbid territory, it also has potential to keep us from living as fully as we could be.
When you get down to it, the truth is that life is always now. What I mean is that the past is gone and the future hasn’t happened yet, so the present moment is the only place we can ever be. It’s the only time that matters. When we we take the present moment for granted, assuming there’s always tomorrow, we miss out on opportunities to live fully and freely.
The reason my friend would want to know when he’s going to die is that he believes it would help remind him to make the most of life. He put it to me this way: “You know, we say we’re afraid of death; but what we really seem to be afraid of is life!” He went on to explain that perhaps knowing how much time he had left would be an antidote to fear and an encouragement to just go for it, whatever it is, because life is short and time is precious. This was a perspective I hadn’t previously considered.
When I work with clients in therapy or coaching, I’m committed to helping them access their potential and use their inherent resources and strengths to resolve whatever challenges they’re encountering. My clients often share with me that the more they get in touch with their potential and purpose, the richer their lives become. They experience more clarity, more appreciation for their lives, and a deeper understanding of what’s important to them. Essentially, our work together supports them in breaking through everything keeping them from living life to the fullest. So when my friend said what he did about using awareness of death as a means of enriching life, I understood perfectly what he was saying—and I had to agree.
Most of us won’t find out in advance exactly when we’re going to die, but that doesn’t mean we can’t live with urgency, passion, commitment, and presence. If we abandon our death denial and choose, instead, to stay fully aware of the brevity of life, we create the potential to make each moment count. Because our time here is short, tomorrow’s never promised, and life is always NOW.
So what would happen if you replaced your death denial with death awareness? What would it inspire you to do that you haven’t been doing? What would it free you up to experience or express?
We don’t like to think about it, but it’s important that we face it: We’re all dying. Every last one of us. And we don’t know when our time will run out. Instead of resisting this realization, I say we embrace it. Because life gets much more meaningful, much more beautiful when we remember that it won’t last forever. So today and every day, I invite you to seize the power of the present moment and live like you know you’re dying. Treat each moment as a gift, and laugh in the face of fear. All we’ve got is the dash between our date of birth and date of death; let’s make it count.
“So, think about this long and hard. Are there things you’d like to change? For you never know how much time is left that can still be rearranged.”
– Linda Ellis, The Dash