Ask a Therapist: How Do I Find the Right Therapist for Me?

two glasses of tea with green leaves in them.

In this edition of Ask a Therapist, I’m addressing a question I get asked pretty often. It’s an everyday occurrence for me to receive a phone call or text from someone in my personal network who’s looking for a therapist—and, of course, I regularly have conversations with potential clients of my own. These conversations always center on an essential question: How do I find a therapist who’s a good fit for me? If you’re presently looking for a therapist or think you could benefit from finding one, here are some simple, straightforward steps to get your search moving in the right direction.

1. Start with the end in mind. Therapy doesn’t operate according to a one-size-fits-all model, so it’s important to consider what you want to gain from the experience. Before you start your search, spend some time thinking about what you want to get out of therapy. I recommend doing this by starting with the end of the experience in mind. In other words, imagine that you’ve just completed your last session with your ideal therapist. How will you know that your work with this person had been helpful? What will you be able to do that you struggle to do now? What will be possible for you then that seems impossible for you now? What will be different in your life, and what will you have done in therapy to make that happen? By imagining what you’ll get out of therapy in your best-case-scenario, you can begin to get some ideas about who can best support you in the process.

2. Reflect on what’s most important to you. Many people assume that if they have mental health benefits through their insurance provider, they should start by finding someone who accepts their plan. This is a logical place to start the search process, of course, but it may not lead you to the therapist who’s right for you. If spending as little money as possible on therapy is your primary consideration, then going through your insurance company makes perfect sense. But it may be that other factors are more important to you, like finding someone who has experience working with a particular issue, or working with someone who utilizes a more holistic approach. Think carefully about what matters most to you, and allow that criteria—rather than the cost of services—to guide your search. You can’t put a price on your wellbeing, and your best life is well worth whatever money you’ll spend on your sessions; so before you let your wallet or insurance card make your decision for you, spend some time thinking carefully about what really matters to you. Thoughtfully consider what qualities your ideal therapist will possess. Whether you want someone of a particular gender, age, secondary language, training, location, availability, skill set, theoretical approach, or background experience, there’s someone out there who fits the bill. Get clear about your must-haves, and let these be your guide.

3. Do the research. Once you have a sense of what you want out of therapy and what qualities your ideal therapist will possess, you can begin the actual search process. Therapy is an intimate interpersonal experience, so word-of-mouth referrals and recommendations from people in your network are a good place to start. If you’re comfortable doing so, reach out to people in your life and ask them to share the names of therapists they’ve worked with and would recommend. Start a list of potential therapists based on the responses you get. Then start exploring other avenues, like the Psychology Today online database or even a Google search for therapists or counselors in your area. Keep adding to your list of potential therapists until you’ve got somewhere between 3 and 10 possibilities. Gather as much preliminary information as you can about these therapists, and narrow the list according to the information you gathered in the first two steps of your search process. Use your personal criteria as well as your intuition to come up with the top 3 therapists on your list.

4. Start the audition process. Once you’ve gotten to this point in the process, the trickier, more annoying stuff is out of the way. Now it’s just a matter of picking up the phone! Many of my clients tell me it took them months, sometimes years, to pick up the phone and call me—and they almost always say they wish they’d done it sooner! I know how intimidating it can be to make that first phone call, but if you’ve done the work of generating a list of potential therapists based on your personal search criteria, you’re likely to find that the initial call is a pleasant and encouraging experience. It’s bringing you one step closer to that future you envisioned, where the problems leading you to therapy are no longer problematic! As you carry out this step, remember that you’re essentially auditioning or interviewing your potential therapist. Prepare a short list of questions to ask during your initial phone call, to be sure you’re talking to someone who’s right for you. Make your phone call(s) at a time when you feel relaxed and won’t be interrupted. You want to be as centered and focused as possible, so you can get a sense of whether or not the person is a good fit. Make an appointment with whoever you feel best about, and remember that you don’t have to commit to the process until you’ve found someone who’s right for you.

5. Evaluate honestly. Once you’ve had a session with a therapist (or two, or three, depending on how you choose to go about the audition process), reflect on what you experienced during the session. Did you feel a sense of connection with the therapist? Did he/she show an interest in getting to know you without judging, labeling, or jumping to conclusions? Was the environment somewhere you can feel comfortable accessing deep emotions and getting vulnerable? Did you leave feeling hopeful? Remembering your reasons for seeking therapy in the first place, reflect on your experience and evaluate accordingly. If the session was unpleasant or the therapist wasn’t a god fit, don’t be discouraged! You may not find the therapist who’s right for you on the first go-around, but that doesn’t mean he or she doesn’t exist. Go to the next person on your list, and keep trying. You are worth the effort it takes to find someone who’s right for you—and when you do, you’ll be glad you put in the work and stuck with the process.

Ask a Therapist: How Do I Overcome Fear?

a black and white photo of a woman with her hand over her face.

If you’ve followed my blog for a while, you probably already know that I’ve been working as a therapist for the past 10 years, serving a diversity of clients in a variety of settings. I’ve supported clients in addressing a host of issues, from minor struggles to major life crises. Along the way, I’ve had the opportunity to offer these clients some clarity and understanding about their issues that they can utilize to heal themselves. In hopes of keeping this blog relevant and using it to share practical information, I’ve decided to introduce a new series called Ask A Therapist, in which I’ll pose some of the questions I’ve been asked over the years and offer answers based on my guiding philosophy and therapeutic approach. I’ll start by answering the questions I’m most commonly asked. At the end of each post, I’ll make a request for you to pose questions of your own.

This week, I’m exploring a question I get asked pretty often: How do I overcome fear?

To answer this question, I’ve got to begin by breaking down what fear is and why it exists. Fear is a response to perceived danger or impending threat that occurs in certain types of organisms. In humans, fear manifests as a combination of emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations. Much of what happens when we’re experiencing fear has been hardwired into us for survival purposes. It’s an important response to potential threats in our environment that prepares us to fight, flee, or freeze up in order to stay alive. When we’re in real danger, our fear response enables us to stay alert and proceed with caution. Without it, we’re prey to many things in our environment, with little ability to protect ourselves. But in reality, most of the things that produce a fear response within us are not actual threats to our survival—we just perceive them to be such. This is the kind of fear that most people want to overcome, as experiencing it is unpleasant, at best, and crippling, at worst.

Knowing that there’s a difference between rational fear—the kind we experience when we’re faced with a true and imminent threat to our survival—and irrational fear—the crippling kind we create in our minds—is an important first step. Rational fear is healthy and essential; since we need a little bit of fear to help us act swiftly and protect ourselves, we don’t want to get rid of it. But the irrational fear is the kind we generally want to get past. The crucial first step in doing so is breaking the fear down in your mind. When you’re afraid of something that isn’t posing an imminent threat, it’s largely because of a story you’re telling yourself. For example, if you have a fear of public speaking, you’d begin to overcome that fear by breaking down the fear story you’ve created. It might look something like: “If I give this presentation in front of all these people, I’ll completely choke, everyone will laugh at me, and I’ll never be able to show my face in public again.” Looking closely at this fear story, it’s clear to see how irrational it is. How can you be sure that those things will happen if you speak in public? How likely is it that this story is true? Pretty unlikely. This first step in overcoming this fear, then, would be to break the fear story down and look at it more rationally. Some people do this by asking themselves, “Can I know for sure that the worst-case-scenario I’m creating in my mind will come to pass if I face this fear?” The answer will almost certainly always be “No.” So, then, what comes next?

After you’ve gotten clear about how your mind is working to get you fearful about something irrational and unlikely, you can tell yourself a more rational story and create a plan of action. Continuing with the public speaking example, you would tell yourself the truth—that you’re experiencing fear about something you’re anticipating and making up in your mind—and then create a plan of action for addressing the fear. Here’s where the most important step comes in: To overcome fear, you absolutely must confront whatever it is that’s making you fearful. But in order to not overwhelm yourself, you want to have a plan and do it in a safe way. The best way to do this is to start small, and gradually build up to bigger things. The first bit of movement in the direction of overcoming your public speaking fear would be to create a plan for speaking in front of, say, a couple of your family members, then start working your way up to a more public presentation.

Once you’ve planned for the first action you’ll take to face your fear, you’ll want to start practicing ways to manage the physical symptoms that occur when you’re feeling afraid. The best way to do this is to develop a practice of centered self-awareness and deep breathing. When you confront your first fear-inducing scenario, you’ll likely feel some unpleasant physical sensations. Manage this by learning how to breathe through it, with compassionate awareness of what’s happening in your body. Just because you feel afraid doesn’t mean anything bad is going to happen. Let yourself be with what you’re experiencing, and intentionally send your breath to all the places in your body that are registering fear.

After facing the first item on your fear scenario list, managing the sensations that arise for you in the moment, you’ll inevitably notice that you’ve survived, and that none of the catastrophes your mind made up have come to pass. This will embolden you to take the next step and more confidently confront the next scenario on your list. Repeat the previous steps until you’ve worked your way up to the scenario you’ve been most afraid of facing.

Overcoming fear is possible through simple, actionable steps; but, of course, it isn’t easy. Many people find that working with a therapist can keep them on task and offer them important support through the process. If you’ve been wanting to overcome a certain fear and would like some help, let’s set up a phone consultation to see what possibilities exist. If you want to go about it on your own, here are five steps for you to follow:

1. Break down the fear in your mind.

2. Replace the fear story with a more grounded and rational one.

3. Create a plan for confronting the fear-inducing scenario, starting with something small.

4. Learn and practice ways to manage the physical symptoms of fear.

5. Confront your first scenario and build confidence to work your way up to the one you fear most.

So, there you have it: overcoming fear in a nutshell. Have a question you’d like me to answer? Send it to me in a comment or email, and I’ll answer it in an upcoming post!

Let It Hurt, Let It Heal

a large wave is breaking in the ocean.

On any given day in the US, nearly 700,000 prescriptions are dispensed for pain medications. If this number seems staggering to you, that’s because it is—especially when you consider that rates of opioid addiction and overdose in this country are at an all-time high. What can start as a pill here or there to manage pain can quickly unravel into a debilitating dependence. We don’t tend to (or want to) think about it this way, but many of the people who die from heroin overdoses started out in a doctor’s office. We’ve got a troubling epidemic on our hands in this country, and for the last several years of my career, I’ve been on its harrowing front lines.

I’ve worked with many people suffering from addiction to opioids and other substances; and while I treat each of my clients according to their unique circumstances, I often find that my conversations with them venture into familiar territory. One of the topics that comes up most often when I speak to these clients is a common one that also comes up when I speak to my other, non-addicted clients. That’s because it’s a topic that relates much more to the human experience in general than to the unique experience of becoming an addict.

The topic I’m referring to is pain. Not just physical pain, of course. I’m talking about the pain of everyday living. From momentary sadness to crippling regret; from a broken heart after a breakup to the devastating loss of a close companion. No matter who you are, no matter how fortunate you’ve been, pain is (or surely will be) part of your reality. And the truth is, your mental health and overall capacity to function in your life depend critically on your ability to effectively manage it. When I see the overwhelming numbers of people losing their lives and their loved ones to addiction every day in this country, I can’t help but think about how different things might be if we could all learn more adaptive ways to manage discomfort and cope with the tough stuff. People are suffering—and far too many of them are doing so in an effort to avoid feeling pain.

Though not everyone turns to substances, we all have ways of seeking to numb ourselves and avoid facing the parts of life that feel uncomfortable and unpleasant. We overeat, oversleep, overwork, or otherwise disconnect from our experience in the moment. And, in some ways, this makes sense. Pain avoidance is woven into the fabric of what makes us human, so it’s only natural that we look for ways to make ourselves feel better whenever pain arises. The problem is, instant gratification and immediate relief are terrible long-term strategies. They serve to lower our tolerance to pain so that we’re less equipped (and more afraid) to manage it the next time it comes up. It’s no wonder our society is more obese, addicted, and depressed than ever before. Our efforts to tune out and feel good in the moment only end up harming us in the long-run.

Life transforms dramatically when we learn to let ourselves feel pain. Trust me; I make a living helping people through this process. Many people spend their lives developing strategies—both consciously and unconsciously—to resist and avoid pain. But this is the worst thing we can do with painful emotions once they’ve arisen. The resistance only serves to strengthen the pain, making it harder for us to move through it. Think about how difficult it is to swim upstream. When you resist the current and try to move in the opposite direction of where it’s flowing, you make the journey to your destination much more difficult. You get stuck. You wear yourself out from the effort. When, however, you move in the direction of the current—going with what’s already flowing—you move much more swiftly. This is the way it works with our emotions, too. Though we’re naturally inclined to resist feeling painful emotions like anger, sadness, regret, or loneliness, we can move through them much more quickly and easily when we allow ourselves to feel them—going with the current, so to speak—than when we resist.

Our society compels us to believe that we should always turn that frown upside-down or find the silver lining on every dark cloud. But the truth is, life is as much about the difficulties as it is about the triumphs—as much about the happy feelings as the painful ones. Pain takes on a whole new meaning when we can learn to greet it and keep it company. Once we learn to let it hurt, we’ve taken the first step to letting it heal.

If something hurts for a while, or you experience difficult emotions every time you think about a particular part of your life, it doesn’t mean something’s wrong. Hurting is part of healing, and sometimes the healing process takes longer than we’d want or expect it to. If you find yourself stuck in this process and unsure how to manage it on your own, know that support is available to you. I sometimes think of myself as a tour guide or compassionate companion along the journey through pain; I’d be honored to keep you company. But whether or not you work with someone through this process or go it alone, trust that your efforts to make contact with your pain will lead you down the path toward healing. And not only will you heal, you’ll also strengthen your ability to face life courageously and open-heartedly, knowing you can handle whatever comes your way.

If we choose to see it this way, being in pain can serve as an opportunity for us to be with ourselves, slowing down and tuning in to our experience so we can move through it as gracefully as possible, learning what’s there for us to learn along the way. I invite you to begin the process of letting your painful emotions come and go; allow yourself to flow through them, supported by the knowledge that they will pass, so long as you let them.

The Making of a Mind Master

a silhouette of a bird flying over a palm tree.

In his bestselling book, The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, author Robin Sharma wisely states: “The mind is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master.” The simple wisdom of these words speaks to the heart of the human experience, for to be human is to be in constant thought. It is to live inside an endless loop of inner chitter chatter about everything that is, was, and ever could be. Without the light of our awareness and the spirit of our conscious intention, we are bound to be the servants of our minds. And most of us know what it feels like to live this way, at the mercy of our own thoughts, consumed by the contents of our minds. But through subtle shifts in attention and the implementation of simple practices, we can enter a new relationship with our minds, becoming their masters and wielding their greatest potential.

Our minds are remarkably powerful, and they’re particularly good at three specific things: storytelling, meaning making, and time traveling. As a therapist and coach, I know all too well how heavily these functions of mind can impact people’s lives. When the mind is the master, the stories it tells, the meanings it makes, and the places it goes can create tremendous suffering. But I also know that while these activities of the mind can be enslaving, they can also serve as the doorways for liberation; they present an opportunity to become the mind’s master.

As storytelling machines, our minds run an ongoing narrative of everything that happens in our lives. The stories they tell us are captivating and distracting, holding our attention and heavily influencing our experience. Our minds can keep us from connecting with the present moment, because instead of attending to what’s happening in that moment, we’re caught up in the stories they tell us—either about what’s happening, or about something else altogether. It’s easy to feel disconnected when the mind is in control; while life unfolds right in front of us, our stories keep us trapped and unable to make contact.

To move from servitude to mastery, we must heighten our awareness of the mind’s propensity for storytelling. Through the development of practices like mindfulness and meditation, we can learn to notice when the stories in our minds are pulling us away from the present moment. The quicker we notice, the quicker and more effectively we can bring our attention back to our experience in the here-and-now. Becoming the master in this way means being more grounded, connected, and present to life.

Our minds are not only great at storytelling, they’re also pretty magnificent meaning-making machines. They interpret everything, filtering information through our personal biases and beliefs, and influencing how we make sense of the world. When we are servants to our minds, the meanings they make can blind and constrict us, keeping us stuck and limiting our perspective. We hold these interpretations—the meaning our minds generate about our experiences—as truths, and we get completely caught up in them. A great example of how this operates is a former client of mine, who came to me after suffering for 30 years from a sense of unworthiness. He shared with me that when he was in the 3rd grade, a couple of boys in his class teased him about his haircut, and a few other kids within earshot laughed along with them. The meaning my client made of that experience was that he was an “unlovable reject,” and he carried that with him throughout the rest of his life, until the point that we met. This example is as common as it is painful; we all know what it’s like to believe what our minds make up about some event or experience, and we know how limiting and damaging that can be.

The shift from servitude to mastery with respect to meaning-making comes with identifying our core beliefs and recognizing the things our minds make up about what we encounter in life. Therapy and coaching are particularly effective ways to develop mind mastery in this area. The more aware we are of the interpretations our minds create—and, most importantly, the ways in which those interpretations affect us—the more we can distinguish the facts from the interpretations, and the less we suffer.

As I mentioned before, our minds are highly sophisticated time-travel machines. At any given moment, we can travel to the near or distant past, the anticipated or imagined future. And while this is, no doubt, a pretty cool thing, it can also get pretty ugly. Because the reality is, our minds let us travel to the past and future, but we have absolutely no control over either one of them. The past is gone, and the future hasn’t happened yet, so dwelling in either one can be an exercise in suffering. When the mind is the master, its time-traveling adventures can cause depression, by dwelling on what’s already happened, and anxiety, by agonizing about what could happen. And that’s not to mention the ways in which all that time-hopping robs us of our ability to be in the present, where life is happening. Many of my clients speak to me about how terrible it can feel when their minds take control and zap them back into an ugly past or zoom them forward into an uncertain future. There’s a reason the Buddha taught so much about being in the present moment; he was wise to the reality that the mind likes to travel, and when it takes us with it, we’re liable to suffer.

To become a master of the mind’s time-traveling nature is to acknowledge that there are some undeniable upsides to this capability. The past is full of rich material; it contains our memories, the lessons we’ve learned, and valuable information that can guide us through life. Thinking about the future can also be advantageous, as we can plan, get excited about upcoming events, and anticipate things on the horizon in order to prepare for them effectively. When we learn how to travel to the past and future with intention and be in the driver’s seat for the voyage, we can use this function of our minds to its greatest capacity and avoiding unnecessary suffering.

The human mind is magnificent. As John Milton so aptly put it, it can “make a heaven of hell, a heal of heaven.” To master the mind is to master life, so why not start moving toward mastery right here and now? As always, I wish you peace and love and am here to keep you company on your journey however it supports you.

2017: The Year of the Level-Up

a sparkler that is sitting on a table.

I don’t know about you, but I’m thrilled to be at the start of a brand new year. Say what you will about 2016—and yes, I know there’s a lot to say about it—but there’s a great deal we can all take from it. Because no matter what kind of year you had personally or what kind of year it was in more general terms, there’s wisdom to be drawn from it. All of it—the good, the bad, and the downright horrific—can be a valuable teacher. It can offer great insight and clarity to support your journey in the year ahead of you, serving as the launching pad for new discoveries and breakthroughs. But in order to infuse your future endeavors with the wisdom of your past, you must be willing to take a brief but deliberate glance in the rearview mirror.

As the title of this post indicates, 2017 holds the promise of being a year to level up. It offers us all a chance to take our lives to the next level, using everything last year taught us as our springboard. So take this moment to reflect on your 2016 and see what stands out for you. What were the major events that most impacted you? What experiences challenged you most? What relationships were most significant for you, and how would you rate the quality of those relationships? What were your triumphs? What fears did you overcome? What held you back? What, if any, resolutions did you begin the year with, and how did you fare with accomplishing them?

With the information about your last year to support you, it’s time to set intentions for what’s to come. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you set your level-up in motion:

  • Put your intentions in writing. Whether you’re creating specific resolutions or want to start your year with a more general sense of the possibilities you’ll create, it’s a good idea to put it all in writing. When we put our thoughts down on paper, we solidify them and make them more meaningful and useful. So by writing down your intentions for the year, you’re giving yourself a tangible guide to serve your process and support your ability to turn your intentions into results. Take the time to write down what you envision for your 2017. What does your personal level-up look like? Write it down in whatever way will most inspire you. It might look like a statement of purpose, a bulleted list, a letter to yourself, or a summary of everything you’ll accomplish. However you choose to write it, just be sure to get clear, concrete, and specific. Then put what you’ve written in a place that you’ll be able to see it all year long. You’ll be amazed at how much power there is in putting your intentions on paper.
  • Focus on being as well as doing. Most of us tend to start the year with resolutions to do things more, less, better, or differently. And there’s a lot to be said for the value of doing that. But there’s a layer beneath the doing that we must address if we want to succeed: the layer of being. You see, the way you approach your intentions, resolutions, and commitments has everything to do with whether or not you’ll complete them. Let’s say, for example, that you set a resolution to “get in better shape” this year. The first step to having this happen will be to get a clear definition of what that means for you. The more concrete the goal, the more likely it is that you’ll accomplish it. So with that in mind, the original resolution becomes something like: “By June 1st, I’ll be able to wear my skinny jeans comfortably, with no love handles showing.” Now that you’ve got something specific to work toward, what’s left is putting forth the effort to have it happen. So here’s where the part about being comes in. If you’re going to make and sustain the efforts necessary to fit in those jeans, you’ll need to be a particular way. For example, you’ll likely need to be disciplined, focused, committed, energetic, consistent, creative, motivated, and self-aware. When you focus on the being underlying the doing, you ramp up your potential to successfully achieve everything you’ve committed to. And chances are, you’ll exceed your expectations and go beyond what you’ve thought possible. So when it comes time to plot your 2017 level-up, ask yourself, “How will I need to be in order to successfully do what I say I’ll do?” Then go have it happen!
  • Decide what will support you, and put it in place now. Using everything you learned last year as your guide, give some thought to what will help bolster your 2017 level-up. Who are the people you can count on to hold you accountable? What habits, routines, or resources set you up for success? Based on what worked and didn’t work last year, what do you think you can put in place now to make sure you have it all happen this year? Perhaps you’ll consider keeping a journal or using apps like Strides or LifeTick to track your progress and keep you organized. Therapy or coaching are also excellent means of keeping you on track. Whatever you decide, putting your supports in place now will help you win this year.
  • Start with the end in sight. One of the tricks to goalsetting is starting at the finish line. What this means is getting crystal clear about where you’re going in order to have a sense of how to get there. When you travel, you must first decide on a destination in order to know where to book your flight to, what to plan for, and what to pack. Similarly, you’ve got to know what the outcome of your goals will be so you know just what to do to make them happen. As you plan your 2017 level-up, take some time to envision what you want your life to look like on December 31st. Get as specific as possible, and don’t be afraid to dream big! Knowing what you want the end of this year to look like will help shape the journey from the start. You deserve to have it all, and you can! So let your vision be your guide, and plot the course for a stellar year.

Let this be the year you take your life to the next level. Let it be the year of saying yes to you and no to everything that doesn’t serve you. Take 2017 by storm, and show the world your best self. As always, I’m here to support you, guide you, and keep you company on your journey. Cheers to you, your best year, and your best life!

How Doing Nothing Changes Everything

a close up of a bowl of water with a drop of water.

If you met me 10 years ago, you probably would have thought I was pretty scattered. You’d likely have noticed my fiery temper and the hurried, anxious way I’d do things. When spending time with me, you’d quickly pick up on the fact that I was never really present with you but distracted, instead, by my racing thoughts or the items in my mental to-do list. You might have—as many people in my life at that time did—described me as being “all over the place.” You would have seen that I didn’t know what I wanted and had no idea what I was doing with my life. If you were particularly intuitive, you would have recognized that I was lost and disconnected, functioning on autopilot most of the time. You would have known that I felt insecure and unfulfilled, completely uncertain about my future.

When I write about myself 10 years ago, it’s as if I’m writing about a total stranger. I no longer recognize or resemble that disconnected woman with her head in the clouds, rushing through life with no sense of direction. It’s hard to put into words how grateful I am for finding a path to clarity—a path that altered the course of my life completely. And when I think about what it took to get from where I was then to where I am now, I can’t help but smile at the simplicity of it.

What I learned back then that guided my journey from chaos to clarity was the practice of doing nothing. The formal term for this practice is zazen, the sitting meditation practice in Zen Buddhism. Through this practice I learned how to shift from a state of doing to a state of being, stilling my mind and grounding my awareness in the here-and-now. I learned how to extend my practice to all areas of my life by focusing my attention on the present moment and being with my experience as it unfolds. This simple practice of non-doing created a radical shift in my presence and personality. It also inspired me to become a therapist who incorporates Eastern principles and traditions into my work with clients.

As a mindfulness based psychotherapist and coach, I’m committed to supporting my clients in cultivating awareness and getting grounded in the present moment, the only place where life is happening. When my clients begin to adopt simple mindfulness practices into their lives—such as allowing themselves to experience emotion or paying attention to the small changes they’re making—they quickly begin to experience their lives differently. Their relationships with themselves and others begin to transform, and they get inspired to create solutions for the problems that brought them to my office.

I’m regularly stunned by how much becomes possible through the astonishingly simple practice of being still and doing nothing. I’m amazed by how much power there is in a single conscious breath. In my work and my life, I’m committed to exploring the potential of mindful awareness and sharing what I learn with others—including you!

If you’ve ever been disconnected or dissatisfied with your life and unsure what to do about it, this practice is for you. If you’ve ever struggled to concentrate or sit still, this practice is for you. If you’ve ever felt detached from yourself and the people around you, this practice is for you. If you’ve ever thought that life is moving too quickly and you don’t know how to slow it down, this practice is for you. If you’ve ever wanted to explore your potential and the possibilities that exist for your life, this practice is for you.

The most beautiful thing about mindfulness and meditation is that you can practice anytime, anywhere—and now is as good a time to start as any! So before you close this page, give yourself the gift of a mindful moment.

Focus your eyes on a nonmoving object (not on the phone or computer screen) or allow them to gently close. Begin to shift your awareness to your breath. Focus on the sensation of breathing, perhaps finding a spot in your body where you’re most aware of the breath—it might be your nostrils, or your belly, or your chest. Breathe for a couple of moments with your attention fixed in this way. Any time a thought comes in or something around you tries to pull your focus away, gently bring yourself back to your breath. Do this for a few inhales and exhales. Then set an intention to carry this practice with you throughout your day, coming back to it—if only for a few breaths—any time you want to get centered and connected again.

If you’re eager to discover where else this practice can take you, call me for your free 20-minute consultation (305-814-4863), and let’s start exploring what’s possible!

 

How the Small Stuff Can Make the Biggest Difference: A Lesson in the Paradox of Change

a couple of purple flowers sitting on top of a green lily pad.

I’m constantly amazed by how big a difference the little things in life can make. This morning I had the opportunity to catch up with a client whom I hadn’t spoken to in some time. When he called me last week to make the appointment, there was an unmistakable urgency in his voice. Though he didn’t seem to be distressed, I’d always known him to be the cool, calm, and collected type; so I found myself wondering about the nature of his call. He arrived to our session this morning right on time and practically sprinted into my office from the waiting room with a breathless, “Hey, Dr. D!” As soon as we sat down, he launched right into his explanation for the unexpected visit.  What he shared with me left me breathless.

To give you a sense of why his words had such an impact on me, I’ll need to share a bit of the backstory. You see, this client—whom I’ll refer to as Joshua for the purposes of this blog post—grew up in a wealthy family and was supported in adulthood by a considerable trust fund. Never needing to worry about earning an income or managing financial responsibilities, he was free to create his life however he pleased. The only problem was, he had no idea what he wanted. Session after session during the time we worked together, he bounced from one idea to the next, never showing much conviction about his latest life choice. One month he’d be backpacking through Southeast Asia and the next he’d be diligently researching real estate investments; none of it brought him any satisfaction. Joshua had all but resigned to the fact that he would spend his life searching for purpose and meaning but never finding it.

During our last session together a couple of years ago, Joshua told me he was moving to California to study dolphins. He seemed excited about it, and we both held on to hope that he would feel connected to this new interest in a way that would ignite his passion and bring him joy. I didn’t hear from him again after he left—that is, until he called me up last week. As it turns out, Joshua never ended up studying dolphins. Just a couple of days after arriving in California, he met a woman at a record store who stopped him in his tracks, and the two fell madly in love with each other. They decided to open a retail store together and, to Joshua’s great surprise, it went well. A year after meeting his girlfriend, both the relationship and the business were thriving. For the first time in his life, Joshua felt a sense of fulfillment. As he described it, “I started to understand the people who are excited to start their day in the morning. It was weird for me, but I liked it.”

About a year and a half into opening their business, Joshua and his girlfriend decided they were ready for a new adventure. They hired someone to run the store, put most of their belongings in storage, loaded up a plush RV, and set out to visit every national park in the U.S. “Drunk in love,” as Joshua put it, they traveled around from state to state, marveling at the natural beauty surrounding them. During a particularly magical hike through Zion National Park, Joshua proposed to his girlfriend, and she said yes. They decided to get married next year, in a simple ceremony at a vineyard near their home.

Joshua and his girlfriend, whom I’ll refer to here as Kay, have finished their national park tour and are presently spending time with Joshua’s family. What he came to tell me was that he’s finally discovered his purpose in life. But neither the purpose itself nor the means by which he found it are anything like what he imagined they’d be. He put it to me this way: “So, I realize now that I pretty much got connected to my purpose when I met Kay and opened the business. I’ve been spending all this time thinking that because I have the funds to do it, I need to live life on this crazy scale and do things other people don’t get a chance to do. But the simple things, like being in a committed relationship with someone I love and owning a humble business, made me happier than anything ever has. I don’t know if I realized that at the time, but I totally get that now.” Joshua went on to talk about the other discoveries he’s made while reflecting on the last few years of his life. He told me about how much he enjoys having a sense of passionate commitment and how happy it makes him to imagine being a father in the near future. And then he said something that went like this:

“Dr. D, this is the big thing I realized and the reason I called you. For as long as I can remember I’ve been struggling with myself and beating myself up for not knowing what I want in life. You know how hard it’s been for me to figure out what the hell I’m doing. I was constantly comparing myself to other people and feeling like a loser. But of course they couldn’t understand me; I didn’t understand myself! So here’s the thing: Kay is the first person in my life who was totally cool with me being exactly who I am. She didn’t judge me or label me a spoiled rich kid or tell me what a flake I am. She just accepted me for who I am, and that let me finally accept who I am. It’s the craziest thing in the world to me.”

The most profound part of what Joshua had to say was that as soon as he accepted his free-spirited nature and the lack of clarity he had about his purpose, he essentially settled down, got clarity, and found that purpose. That small shift, from resistance to acceptance, changed his life.

What Joshua discovered about himself moved me deeply—not only because of the beautiful way that it transformed his life, but also because of the applicability it has to all our lives. When we are willing to turn toward the things we’re initially inclined to reject, we create the potential for transformation. This is true for our stories about ourselves—as was the case for Joshua—and it’s also true for our emotions. Paradoxically, acceptance is the prerequisite for change. Once we can acknowledge something, make contact with it, and accept it as it is, we create the space for it to become something different.

This morning’s session was a beautiful reminder that the small and subtle things in life can have the most profound impact. It’s far too easy to get caught up in our assumptions about what our lives are supposed to look like, all the while missing what’s great about the lives we already have. When we acknowledge what’s going right, we open up the possibility to shift whatever’s going wrong. By appreciating things as they are, we become capable of creating something new. This is perhaps the greatest life hack out there; and I’m thrilled that Joshua figured it out.

Accept this as my formal invitation to start noticing the small things in life—the subtle shifts, the simple moments. Allow yourself to embrace your life with a full and grateful heart, and know that by doing so, you might just be laying the foundation for remarkable change. The small stuff matters, and so do you. May you always remain open to possibilities and aware of your vast potential to create them. Peace and love, today and all days.

Zen and Zoned Out Are Not The Same Thing

an image of a foggy forest.

 

As a spiritually minded psychotherapist, peace proponent, and student of Buddhism, I love watching the West wake up to the wisdom of ancient Eastern traditions.  It thrills me to know that people are getting intentional about creating more harmony and stillness in their lives, because I’m fully convinced that what the world needs now, above all else, is a more intentional, more finely attuned sense of awareness and presence among all human beings. When I see any indication that we’re moving in that direction, I feel gratified and hopeful. But here’s the thing: Owning a yoga mat doesn’t make you a yogi, telling people you meditate isn’t the same thing as meditating, and being Zen isn’t the same thing as saying you are. That might sound harsh, but I’m making this point for an important reason. In the instant-gratification-based culture we live in, it’s easy to confuse exposure with understanding. To truly understand something, you must immerse yourself in it, exploring it from multiple angles and seeking to gain as much knowledge about it as possible. And so it is with spiritual traditions and practices like Zen.

The most direct translation of the word Zen is meditation, but the true meaning of Zen can’t fully be expressed in words. Perhaps the closest we can come is to say that Zen is a state of being that involves a sense of connection to a power greater than oneself. It’s a way of living in the present moment and fully experiencing reality as it’s unfolding, with no preference for what happens. It means being aware of the interconnectedness of all living things, and flowing with the universe. Put simply, Zen is an orientation toward life that generates a sense of peace, equanimity, acceptance, and contentment. To be Zen is to be committed to maintaining clarity and remaining grounded in the present moment, no matter how challenging it is to do so.

In our culture, when people talk about “getting Zen” or “being Zen,” they’re usually referring to something along the lines of relaxing, reducing stress, slowing down, or finding peace. And that’s a wonderful thing. But calming down isn’t necessarily the same thing as finding Zen. The reason this distinction matters is that often, our efforts to relax and calm down involve checking out or numbing ourselves to what’s happening—and that isn’t Zen at all! To adopt a Zen mentality is to be at one with whatever we’re experiencing, without trying to manipulate or change it so we can feel better. When we experience Zen, we’re acknowledging and accepting what is, rather than attempting to make it something else.

Although there isn’t an explicit goal in Zen practice, the purpose is to generate greater awareness and appreciation for what’s happening in the present moment. When we confuse zoning out for Zen, we sell ourselves short of experiencing everything that can unfold and open up for us when we accept what we’re feeling instead of trying to OM it away. There’s a commonly used expression among therapists and healers that says, “The only way out is through.” This simple statement speaks to the difference between numbing out and knowing Zen. It’s easy to check out of the present moment by turning on a meditation CD or lighting some candles; but I challenge you to make your practice deeper than that. Don’t settle for artificial peace. Practice loving and staying present with whatever is occurring in the present moment—no matter how unpleasant it may be—and know that true peace awaits you on the other side.

Therapy: It’s Not Supposed To Last Forever

a close up of grass with water droplets on it.

When the New York Times recently posted an opinion piece about the right amount of therapy for optimal change, I felt excited and gratified all at once. You see, as a brief therapist, I understand all too well that like most things, therapy is subject to the law of diminishing returns. This economics term essentially means that after a certain amount of input and effort, the benefits reaped from that effort—therapeutic change, for example—peak and plateau. More effort doesn’t yield more benefits; in fact, increased efforts could even do more harm than good.

It used to be that therapy was a lifelong process intended to get at the root of people’s unconscious drives and motivations—but quite frankly, nobody has time for that anymore! As the article mentions, most people these days seek therapy to overcome particular challenges and stuck situations in their lives. The truth is, it doesn’t take endless amounts of therapy to gain the perspective and tools necessary for overcoming those kinds of issues.

Every individual’s experience in therapy is different, but many years of practicing therapy have taught me (and the research supports) that most people see positive results from therapy after only a few sessions. The key is setting clear, measurable goals at the start of therapy and maintaining an open, honest therapist/client dialogue to be sure that progress is being made along the way.

Therapy isn’t for sick people; it isn’t for crazy people. When we treat it as an opportunity to get through difficulties, expand our view of the world, resolve relationship issues, and become better versions of ourselves, it’s clear that therapy is for absolutely everyone. And real change can happen sooner than most people think!

Check out the New York Times article here:

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/22/opinion/sunday/in-therapy-forever-enough-already.html?_r=1