2017: The Year of the Level-Up

a sparkler that is sitting on a table.

I don’t know about you, but I’m thrilled to be at the start of a brand new year. Say what you will about 2016—and yes, I know there’s a lot to say about it—but there’s a great deal we can all take from it. Because no matter what kind of year you had personally or what kind of year it was in more general terms, there’s wisdom to be drawn from it. All of it—the good, the bad, and the downright horrific—can be a valuable teacher. It can offer great insight and clarity to support your journey in the year ahead of you, serving as the launching pad for new discoveries and breakthroughs. But in order to infuse your future endeavors with the wisdom of your past, you must be willing to take a brief but deliberate glance in the rearview mirror.

As the title of this post indicates, 2017 holds the promise of being a year to level up. It offers us all a chance to take our lives to the next level, using everything last year taught us as our springboard. So take this moment to reflect on your 2016 and see what stands out for you. What were the major events that most impacted you? What experiences challenged you most? What relationships were most significant for you, and how would you rate the quality of those relationships? What were your triumphs? What fears did you overcome? What held you back? What, if any, resolutions did you begin the year with, and how did you fare with accomplishing them?

With the information about your last year to support you, it’s time to set intentions for what’s to come. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you set your level-up in motion:

  • Put your intentions in writing. Whether you’re creating specific resolutions or want to start your year with a more general sense of the possibilities you’ll create, it’s a good idea to put it all in writing. When we put our thoughts down on paper, we solidify them and make them more meaningful and useful. So by writing down your intentions for the year, you’re giving yourself a tangible guide to serve your process and support your ability to turn your intentions into results. Take the time to write down what you envision for your 2017. What does your personal level-up look like? Write it down in whatever way will most inspire you. It might look like a statement of purpose, a bulleted list, a letter to yourself, or a summary of everything you’ll accomplish. However you choose to write it, just be sure to get clear, concrete, and specific. Then put what you’ve written in a place that you’ll be able to see it all year long. You’ll be amazed at how much power there is in putting your intentions on paper.
  • Focus on being as well as doing. Most of us tend to start the year with resolutions to do things more, less, better, or differently. And there’s a lot to be said for the value of doing that. But there’s a layer beneath the doing that we must address if we want to succeed: the layer of being. You see, the way you approach your intentions, resolutions, and commitments has everything to do with whether or not you’ll complete them. Let’s say, for example, that you set a resolution to “get in better shape” this year. The first step to having this happen will be to get a clear definition of what that means for you. The more concrete the goal, the more likely it is that you’ll accomplish it. So with that in mind, the original resolution becomes something like: “By June 1st, I’ll be able to wear my skinny jeans comfortably, with no love handles showing.” Now that you’ve got something specific to work toward, what’s left is putting forth the effort to have it happen. So here’s where the part about being comes in. If you’re going to make and sustain the efforts necessary to fit in those jeans, you’ll need to be a particular way. For example, you’ll likely need to be disciplined, focused, committed, energetic, consistent, creative, motivated, and self-aware. When you focus on the being underlying the doing, you ramp up your potential to successfully achieve everything you’ve committed to. And chances are, you’ll exceed your expectations and go beyond what you’ve thought possible. So when it comes time to plot your 2017 level-up, ask yourself, “How will I need to be in order to successfully do what I say I’ll do?” Then go have it happen!
  • Decide what will support you, and put it in place now. Using everything you learned last year as your guide, give some thought to what will help bolster your 2017 level-up. Who are the people you can count on to hold you accountable? What habits, routines, or resources set you up for success? Based on what worked and didn’t work last year, what do you think you can put in place now to make sure you have it all happen this year? Perhaps you’ll consider keeping a journal or using apps like Strides or LifeTick to track your progress and keep you organized. Therapy or coaching are also excellent means of keeping you on track. Whatever you decide, putting your supports in place now will help you win this year.
  • Start with the end in sight. One of the tricks to goalsetting is starting at the finish line. What this means is getting crystal clear about where you’re going in order to have a sense of how to get there. When you travel, you must first decide on a destination in order to know where to book your flight to, what to plan for, and what to pack. Similarly, you’ve got to know what the outcome of your goals will be so you know just what to do to make them happen. As you plan your 2017 level-up, take some time to envision what you want your life to look like on December 31st. Get as specific as possible, and don’t be afraid to dream big! Knowing what you want the end of this year to look like will help shape the journey from the start. You deserve to have it all, and you can! So let your vision be your guide, and plot the course for a stellar year.

Let this be the year you take your life to the next level. Let it be the year of saying yes to you and no to everything that doesn’t serve you. Take 2017 by storm, and show the world your best self. As always, I’m here to support you, guide you, and keep you company on your journey. Cheers to you, your best year, and your best life!

How Doing Nothing Changes Everything

a close up of a bowl of water with a drop of water.

If you met me 10 years ago, you probably would have thought I was pretty scattered. You’d likely have noticed my fiery temper and the hurried, anxious way I’d do things. When spending time with me, you’d quickly pick up on the fact that I was never really present with you but distracted, instead, by my racing thoughts or the items in my mental to-do list. You might have—as many people in my life at that time did—described me as being “all over the place.” You would have seen that I didn’t know what I wanted and had no idea what I was doing with my life. If you were particularly intuitive, you would have recognized that I was lost and disconnected, functioning on autopilot most of the time. You would have known that I felt insecure and unfulfilled, completely uncertain about my future.

When I write about myself 10 years ago, it’s as if I’m writing about a total stranger. I no longer recognize or resemble that disconnected woman with her head in the clouds, rushing through life with no sense of direction. It’s hard to put into words how grateful I am for finding a path to clarity—a path that altered the course of my life completely. And when I think about what it took to get from where I was then to where I am now, I can’t help but smile at the simplicity of it.

What I learned back then that guided my journey from chaos to clarity was the practice of doing nothing. The formal term for this practice is zazen, the sitting meditation practice in Zen Buddhism. Through this practice I learned how to shift from a state of doing to a state of being, stilling my mind and grounding my awareness in the here-and-now. I learned how to extend my practice to all areas of my life by focusing my attention on the present moment and being with my experience as it unfolds. This simple practice of non-doing created a radical shift in my presence and personality. It also inspired me to become a therapist who incorporates Eastern principles and traditions into my work with clients.

As a mindfulness based psychotherapist and coach, I’m committed to supporting my clients in cultivating awareness and getting grounded in the present moment, the only place where life is happening. When my clients begin to adopt simple mindfulness practices into their lives—such as allowing themselves to experience emotion or paying attention to the small changes they’re making—they quickly begin to experience their lives differently. Their relationships with themselves and others begin to transform, and they get inspired to create solutions for the problems that brought them to my office.

I’m regularly stunned by how much becomes possible through the astonishingly simple practice of being still and doing nothing. I’m amazed by how much power there is in a single conscious breath. In my work and my life, I’m committed to exploring the potential of mindful awareness and sharing what I learn with others—including you!

If you’ve ever been disconnected or dissatisfied with your life and unsure what to do about it, this practice is for you. If you’ve ever struggled to concentrate or sit still, this practice is for you. If you’ve ever felt detached from yourself and the people around you, this practice is for you. If you’ve ever thought that life is moving too quickly and you don’t know how to slow it down, this practice is for you. If you’ve ever wanted to explore your potential and the possibilities that exist for your life, this practice is for you.

The most beautiful thing about mindfulness and meditation is that you can practice anytime, anywhere—and now is as good a time to start as any! So before you close this page, give yourself the gift of a mindful moment.

Focus your eyes on a nonmoving object (not on the phone or computer screen) or allow them to gently close. Begin to shift your awareness to your breath. Focus on the sensation of breathing, perhaps finding a spot in your body where you’re most aware of the breath—it might be your nostrils, or your belly, or your chest. Breathe for a couple of moments with your attention fixed in this way. Any time a thought comes in or something around you tries to pull your focus away, gently bring yourself back to your breath. Do this for a few inhales and exhales. Then set an intention to carry this practice with you throughout your day, coming back to it—if only for a few breaths—any time you want to get centered and connected again.

If you’re eager to discover where else this practice can take you, call me for your free 20-minute consultation (305-814-4863), and let’s start exploring what’s possible!

 

How the Small Stuff Can Make the Biggest Difference: A Lesson in the Paradox of Change

a couple of purple flowers sitting on top of a green lily pad.

I’m constantly amazed by how big a difference the little things in life can make. This morning I had the opportunity to catch up with a client whom I hadn’t spoken to in some time. When he called me last week to make the appointment, there was an unmistakable urgency in his voice. Though he didn’t seem to be distressed, I’d always known him to be the cool, calm, and collected type; so I found myself wondering about the nature of his call. He arrived to our session this morning right on time and practically sprinted into my office from the waiting room with a breathless, “Hey, Dr. D!” As soon as we sat down, he launched right into his explanation for the unexpected visit.  What he shared with me left me breathless.

To give you a sense of why his words had such an impact on me, I’ll need to share a bit of the backstory. You see, this client—whom I’ll refer to as Joshua for the purposes of this blog post—grew up in a wealthy family and was supported in adulthood by a considerable trust fund. Never needing to worry about earning an income or managing financial responsibilities, he was free to create his life however he pleased. The only problem was, he had no idea what he wanted. Session after session during the time we worked together, he bounced from one idea to the next, never showing much conviction about his latest life choice. One month he’d be backpacking through Southeast Asia and the next he’d be diligently researching real estate investments; none of it brought him any satisfaction. Joshua had all but resigned to the fact that he would spend his life searching for purpose and meaning but never finding it.

During our last session together a couple of years ago, Joshua told me he was moving to California to study dolphins. He seemed excited about it, and we both held on to hope that he would feel connected to this new interest in a way that would ignite his passion and bring him joy. I didn’t hear from him again after he left—that is, until he called me up last week. As it turns out, Joshua never ended up studying dolphins. Just a couple of days after arriving in California, he met a woman at a record store who stopped him in his tracks, and the two fell madly in love with each other. They decided to open a retail store together and, to Joshua’s great surprise, it went well. A year after meeting his girlfriend, both the relationship and the business were thriving. For the first time in his life, Joshua felt a sense of fulfillment. As he described it, “I started to understand the people who are excited to start their day in the morning. It was weird for me, but I liked it.”

About a year and a half into opening their business, Joshua and his girlfriend decided they were ready for a new adventure. They hired someone to run the store, put most of their belongings in storage, loaded up a plush RV, and set out to visit every national park in the U.S. “Drunk in love,” as Joshua put it, they traveled around from state to state, marveling at the natural beauty surrounding them. During a particularly magical hike through Zion National Park, Joshua proposed to his girlfriend, and she said yes. They decided to get married next year, in a simple ceremony at a vineyard near their home.

Joshua and his girlfriend, whom I’ll refer to here as Kay, have finished their national park tour and are presently spending time with Joshua’s family. What he came to tell me was that he’s finally discovered his purpose in life. But neither the purpose itself nor the means by which he found it are anything like what he imagined they’d be. He put it to me this way: “So, I realize now that I pretty much got connected to my purpose when I met Kay and opened the business. I’ve been spending all this time thinking that because I have the funds to do it, I need to live life on this crazy scale and do things other people don’t get a chance to do. But the simple things, like being in a committed relationship with someone I love and owning a humble business, made me happier than anything ever has. I don’t know if I realized that at the time, but I totally get that now.” Joshua went on to talk about the other discoveries he’s made while reflecting on the last few years of his life. He told me about how much he enjoys having a sense of passionate commitment and how happy it makes him to imagine being a father in the near future. And then he said something that went like this:

“Dr. D, this is the big thing I realized and the reason I called you. For as long as I can remember I’ve been struggling with myself and beating myself up for not knowing what I want in life. You know how hard it’s been for me to figure out what the hell I’m doing. I was constantly comparing myself to other people and feeling like a loser. But of course they couldn’t understand me; I didn’t understand myself! So here’s the thing: Kay is the first person in my life who was totally cool with me being exactly who I am. She didn’t judge me or label me a spoiled rich kid or tell me what a flake I am. She just accepted me for who I am, and that let me finally accept who I am. It’s the craziest thing in the world to me.”

The most profound part of what Joshua had to say was that as soon as he accepted his free-spirited nature and the lack of clarity he had about his purpose, he essentially settled down, got clarity, and found that purpose. That small shift, from resistance to acceptance, changed his life.

What Joshua discovered about himself moved me deeply—not only because of the beautiful way that it transformed his life, but also because of the applicability it has to all our lives. When we are willing to turn toward the things we’re initially inclined to reject, we create the potential for transformation. This is true for our stories about ourselves—as was the case for Joshua—and it’s also true for our emotions. Paradoxically, acceptance is the prerequisite for change. Once we can acknowledge something, make contact with it, and accept it as it is, we create the space for it to become something different.

This morning’s session was a beautiful reminder that the small and subtle things in life can have the most profound impact. It’s far too easy to get caught up in our assumptions about what our lives are supposed to look like, all the while missing what’s great about the lives we already have. When we acknowledge what’s going right, we open up the possibility to shift whatever’s going wrong. By appreciating things as they are, we become capable of creating something new. This is perhaps the greatest life hack out there; and I’m thrilled that Joshua figured it out.

Accept this as my formal invitation to start noticing the small things in life—the subtle shifts, the simple moments. Allow yourself to embrace your life with a full and grateful heart, and know that by doing so, you might just be laying the foundation for remarkable change. The small stuff matters, and so do you. May you always remain open to possibilities and aware of your vast potential to create them. Peace and love, today and all days.

Zen and Zoned Out Are Not The Same Thing

an image of a foggy forest.

 

As a spiritually minded psychotherapist, peace proponent, and student of Buddhism, I love watching the West wake up to the wisdom of ancient Eastern traditions.  It thrills me to know that people are getting intentional about creating more harmony and stillness in their lives, because I’m fully convinced that what the world needs now, above all else, is a more intentional, more finely attuned sense of awareness and presence among all human beings. When I see any indication that we’re moving in that direction, I feel gratified and hopeful. But here’s the thing: Owning a yoga mat doesn’t make you a yogi, telling people you meditate isn’t the same thing as meditating, and being Zen isn’t the same thing as saying you are. That might sound harsh, but I’m making this point for an important reason. In the instant-gratification-based culture we live in, it’s easy to confuse exposure with understanding. To truly understand something, you must immerse yourself in it, exploring it from multiple angles and seeking to gain as much knowledge about it as possible. And so it is with spiritual traditions and practices like Zen.

The most direct translation of the word Zen is meditation, but the true meaning of Zen can’t fully be expressed in words. Perhaps the closest we can come is to say that Zen is a state of being that involves a sense of connection to a power greater than oneself. It’s a way of living in the present moment and fully experiencing reality as it’s unfolding, with no preference for what happens. It means being aware of the interconnectedness of all living things, and flowing with the universe. Put simply, Zen is an orientation toward life that generates a sense of peace, equanimity, acceptance, and contentment. To be Zen is to be committed to maintaining clarity and remaining grounded in the present moment, no matter how challenging it is to do so.

In our culture, when people talk about “getting Zen” or “being Zen,” they’re usually referring to something along the lines of relaxing, reducing stress, slowing down, or finding peace. And that’s a wonderful thing. But calming down isn’t necessarily the same thing as finding Zen. The reason this distinction matters is that often, our efforts to relax and calm down involve checking out or numbing ourselves to what’s happening—and that isn’t Zen at all! To adopt a Zen mentality is to be at one with whatever we’re experiencing, without trying to manipulate or change it so we can feel better. When we experience Zen, we’re acknowledging and accepting what is, rather than attempting to make it something else.

Although there isn’t an explicit goal in Zen practice, the purpose is to generate greater awareness and appreciation for what’s happening in the present moment. When we confuse zoning out for Zen, we sell ourselves short of experiencing everything that can unfold and open up for us when we accept what we’re feeling instead of trying to OM it away. There’s a commonly used expression among therapists and healers that says, “The only way out is through.” This simple statement speaks to the difference between numbing out and knowing Zen. It’s easy to check out of the present moment by turning on a meditation CD or lighting some candles; but I challenge you to make your practice deeper than that. Don’t settle for artificial peace. Practice loving and staying present with whatever is occurring in the present moment—no matter how unpleasant it may be—and know that true peace awaits you on the other side.

Therapy: It’s Not Supposed To Last Forever

a close up of grass with water droplets on it.

When the New York Times recently posted an opinion piece about the right amount of therapy for optimal change, I felt excited and gratified all at once. You see, as a brief therapist, I understand all too well that like most things, therapy is subject to the law of diminishing returns. This economics term essentially means that after a certain amount of input and effort, the benefits reaped from that effort—therapeutic change, for example—peak and plateau. More effort doesn’t yield more benefits; in fact, increased efforts could even do more harm than good.

It used to be that therapy was a lifelong process intended to get at the root of people’s unconscious drives and motivations—but quite frankly, nobody has time for that anymore! As the article mentions, most people these days seek therapy to overcome particular challenges and stuck situations in their lives. The truth is, it doesn’t take endless amounts of therapy to gain the perspective and tools necessary for overcoming those kinds of issues.

Every individual’s experience in therapy is different, but many years of practicing therapy have taught me (and the research supports) that most people see positive results from therapy after only a few sessions. The key is setting clear, measurable goals at the start of therapy and maintaining an open, honest therapist/client dialogue to be sure that progress is being made along the way.

Therapy isn’t for sick people; it isn’t for crazy people. When we treat it as an opportunity to get through difficulties, expand our view of the world, resolve relationship issues, and become better versions of ourselves, it’s clear that therapy is for absolutely everyone. And real change can happen sooner than most people think!

Check out the New York Times article here:

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/22/opinion/sunday/in-therapy-forever-enough-already.html?_r=1