2017: The Year of the Level-Up

a sparkler that is sitting on a table.

I don’t know about you, but I’m thrilled to be at the start of a brand new year. Say what you will about 2016—and yes, I know there’s a lot to say about it—but there’s a great deal we can all take from it. Because no matter what kind of year you had personally or what kind of year it was in more general terms, there’s wisdom to be drawn from it. All of it—the good, the bad, and the downright horrific—can be a valuable teacher. It can offer great insight and clarity to support your journey in the year ahead of you, serving as the launching pad for new discoveries and breakthroughs. But in order to infuse your future endeavors with the wisdom of your past, you must be willing to take a brief but deliberate glance in the rearview mirror.

As the title of this post indicates, 2017 holds the promise of being a year to level up. It offers us all a chance to take our lives to the next level, using everything last year taught us as our springboard. So take this moment to reflect on your 2016 and see what stands out for you. What were the major events that most impacted you? What experiences challenged you most? What relationships were most significant for you, and how would you rate the quality of those relationships? What were your triumphs? What fears did you overcome? What held you back? What, if any, resolutions did you begin the year with, and how did you fare with accomplishing them?

With the information about your last year to support you, it’s time to set intentions for what’s to come. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you set your level-up in motion:

  • Put your intentions in writing. Whether you’re creating specific resolutions or want to start your year with a more general sense of the possibilities you’ll create, it’s a good idea to put it all in writing. When we put our thoughts down on paper, we solidify them and make them more meaningful and useful. So by writing down your intentions for the year, you’re giving yourself a tangible guide to serve your process and support your ability to turn your intentions into results. Take the time to write down what you envision for your 2017. What does your personal level-up look like? Write it down in whatever way will most inspire you. It might look like a statement of purpose, a bulleted list, a letter to yourself, or a summary of everything you’ll accomplish. However you choose to write it, just be sure to get clear, concrete, and specific. Then put what you’ve written in a place that you’ll be able to see it all year long. You’ll be amazed at how much power there is in putting your intentions on paper.
  • Focus on being as well as doing. Most of us tend to start the year with resolutions to do things more, less, better, or differently. And there’s a lot to be said for the value of doing that. But there’s a layer beneath the doing that we must address if we want to succeed: the layer of being. You see, the way you approach your intentions, resolutions, and commitments has everything to do with whether or not you’ll complete them. Let’s say, for example, that you set a resolution to “get in better shape” this year. The first step to having this happen will be to get a clear definition of what that means for you. The more concrete the goal, the more likely it is that you’ll accomplish it. So with that in mind, the original resolution becomes something like: “By June 1st, I’ll be able to wear my skinny jeans comfortably, with no love handles showing.” Now that you’ve got something specific to work toward, what’s left is putting forth the effort to have it happen. So here’s where the part about being comes in. If you’re going to make and sustain the efforts necessary to fit in those jeans, you’ll need to be a particular way. For example, you’ll likely need to be disciplined, focused, committed, energetic, consistent, creative, motivated, and self-aware. When you focus on the being underlying the doing, you ramp up your potential to successfully achieve everything you’ve committed to. And chances are, you’ll exceed your expectations and go beyond what you’ve thought possible. So when it comes time to plot your 2017 level-up, ask yourself, “How will I need to be in order to successfully do what I say I’ll do?” Then go have it happen!
  • Decide what will support you, and put it in place now. Using everything you learned last year as your guide, give some thought to what will help bolster your 2017 level-up. Who are the people you can count on to hold you accountable? What habits, routines, or resources set you up for success? Based on what worked and didn’t work last year, what do you think you can put in place now to make sure you have it all happen this year? Perhaps you’ll consider keeping a journal or using apps like Strides or LifeTick to track your progress and keep you organized. Therapy or coaching are also excellent means of keeping you on track. Whatever you decide, putting your supports in place now will help you win this year.
  • Start with the end in sight. One of the tricks to goalsetting is starting at the finish line. What this means is getting crystal clear about where you’re going in order to have a sense of how to get there. When you travel, you must first decide on a destination in order to know where to book your flight to, what to plan for, and what to pack. Similarly, you’ve got to know what the outcome of your goals will be so you know just what to do to make them happen. As you plan your 2017 level-up, take some time to envision what you want your life to look like on December 31st. Get as specific as possible, and don’t be afraid to dream big! Knowing what you want the end of this year to look like will help shape the journey from the start. You deserve to have it all, and you can! So let your vision be your guide, and plot the course for a stellar year.

Let this be the year you take your life to the next level. Let it be the year of saying yes to you and no to everything that doesn’t serve you. Take 2017 by storm, and show the world your best self. As always, I’m here to support you, guide you, and keep you company on your journey. Cheers to you, your best year, and your best life!

How Doing Nothing Changes Everything

a close up of a bowl of water with a drop of water.

If you met me 10 years ago, you probably would have thought I was pretty scattered. You’d likely have noticed my fiery temper and the hurried, anxious way I’d do things. When spending time with me, you’d quickly pick up on the fact that I was never really present with you but distracted, instead, by my racing thoughts or the items in my mental to-do list. You might have—as many people in my life at that time did—described me as being “all over the place.” You would have seen that I didn’t know what I wanted and had no idea what I was doing with my life. If you were particularly intuitive, you would have recognized that I was lost and disconnected, functioning on autopilot most of the time. You would have known that I felt insecure and unfulfilled, completely uncertain about my future.

When I write about myself 10 years ago, it’s as if I’m writing about a total stranger. I no longer recognize or resemble that disconnected woman with her head in the clouds, rushing through life with no sense of direction. It’s hard to put into words how grateful I am for finding a path to clarity—a path that altered the course of my life completely. And when I think about what it took to get from where I was then to where I am now, I can’t help but smile at the simplicity of it.

What I learned back then that guided my journey from chaos to clarity was the practice of doing nothing. The formal term for this practice is zazen, the sitting meditation practice in Zen Buddhism. Through this practice I learned how to shift from a state of doing to a state of being, stilling my mind and grounding my awareness in the here-and-now. I learned how to extend my practice to all areas of my life by focusing my attention on the present moment and being with my experience as it unfolds. This simple practice of non-doing created a radical shift in my presence and personality. It also inspired me to become a therapist who incorporates Eastern principles and traditions into my work with clients.

As a mindfulness based psychotherapist and coach, I’m committed to supporting my clients in cultivating awareness and getting grounded in the present moment, the only place where life is happening. When my clients begin to adopt simple mindfulness practices into their lives—such as allowing themselves to experience emotion or paying attention to the small changes they’re making—they quickly begin to experience their lives differently. Their relationships with themselves and others begin to transform, and they get inspired to create solutions for the problems that brought them to my office.

I’m regularly stunned by how much becomes possible through the astonishingly simple practice of being still and doing nothing. I’m amazed by how much power there is in a single conscious breath. In my work and my life, I’m committed to exploring the potential of mindful awareness and sharing what I learn with others—including you!

If you’ve ever been disconnected or dissatisfied with your life and unsure what to do about it, this practice is for you. If you’ve ever struggled to concentrate or sit still, this practice is for you. If you’ve ever felt detached from yourself and the people around you, this practice is for you. If you’ve ever thought that life is moving too quickly and you don’t know how to slow it down, this practice is for you. If you’ve ever wanted to explore your potential and the possibilities that exist for your life, this practice is for you.

The most beautiful thing about mindfulness and meditation is that you can practice anytime, anywhere—and now is as good a time to start as any! So before you close this page, give yourself the gift of a mindful moment.

Focus your eyes on a nonmoving object (not on the phone or computer screen) or allow them to gently close. Begin to shift your awareness to your breath. Focus on the sensation of breathing, perhaps finding a spot in your body where you’re most aware of the breath—it might be your nostrils, or your belly, or your chest. Breathe for a couple of moments with your attention fixed in this way. Any time a thought comes in or something around you tries to pull your focus away, gently bring yourself back to your breath. Do this for a few inhales and exhales. Then set an intention to carry this practice with you throughout your day, coming back to it—if only for a few breaths—any time you want to get centered and connected again.

If you’re eager to discover where else this practice can take you, call me for your free 20-minute consultation (305-814-4863), and let’s start exploring what’s possible!

 

How the Small Stuff Can Make the Biggest Difference: A Lesson in the Paradox of Change

a couple of purple flowers sitting on top of a green lily pad.

I’m constantly amazed by how big a difference the little things in life can make. This morning I had the opportunity to catch up with a client whom I hadn’t spoken to in some time. When he called me last week to make the appointment, there was an unmistakable urgency in his voice. Though he didn’t seem to be distressed, I’d always known him to be the cool, calm, and collected type; so I found myself wondering about the nature of his call. He arrived to our session this morning right on time and practically sprinted into my office from the waiting room with a breathless, “Hey, Dr. D!” As soon as we sat down, he launched right into his explanation for the unexpected visit.  What he shared with me left me breathless.

To give you a sense of why his words had such an impact on me, I’ll need to share a bit of the backstory. You see, this client—whom I’ll refer to as Joshua for the purposes of this blog post—grew up in a wealthy family and was supported in adulthood by a considerable trust fund. Never needing to worry about earning an income or managing financial responsibilities, he was free to create his life however he pleased. The only problem was, he had no idea what he wanted. Session after session during the time we worked together, he bounced from one idea to the next, never showing much conviction about his latest life choice. One month he’d be backpacking through Southeast Asia and the next he’d be diligently researching real estate investments; none of it brought him any satisfaction. Joshua had all but resigned to the fact that he would spend his life searching for purpose and meaning but never finding it.

During our last session together a couple of years ago, Joshua told me he was moving to California to study dolphins. He seemed excited about it, and we both held on to hope that he would feel connected to this new interest in a way that would ignite his passion and bring him joy. I didn’t hear from him again after he left—that is, until he called me up last week. As it turns out, Joshua never ended up studying dolphins. Just a couple of days after arriving in California, he met a woman at a record store who stopped him in his tracks, and the two fell madly in love with each other. They decided to open a retail store together and, to Joshua’s great surprise, it went well. A year after meeting his girlfriend, both the relationship and the business were thriving. For the first time in his life, Joshua felt a sense of fulfillment. As he described it, “I started to understand the people who are excited to start their day in the morning. It was weird for me, but I liked it.”

About a year and a half into opening their business, Joshua and his girlfriend decided they were ready for a new adventure. They hired someone to run the store, put most of their belongings in storage, loaded up a plush RV, and set out to visit every national park in the U.S. “Drunk in love,” as Joshua put it, they traveled around from state to state, marveling at the natural beauty surrounding them. During a particularly magical hike through Zion National Park, Joshua proposed to his girlfriend, and she said yes. They decided to get married next year, in a simple ceremony at a vineyard near their home.

Joshua and his girlfriend, whom I’ll refer to here as Kay, have finished their national park tour and are presently spending time with Joshua’s family. What he came to tell me was that he’s finally discovered his purpose in life. But neither the purpose itself nor the means by which he found it are anything like what he imagined they’d be. He put it to me this way: “So, I realize now that I pretty much got connected to my purpose when I met Kay and opened the business. I’ve been spending all this time thinking that because I have the funds to do it, I need to live life on this crazy scale and do things other people don’t get a chance to do. But the simple things, like being in a committed relationship with someone I love and owning a humble business, made me happier than anything ever has. I don’t know if I realized that at the time, but I totally get that now.” Joshua went on to talk about the other discoveries he’s made while reflecting on the last few years of his life. He told me about how much he enjoys having a sense of passionate commitment and how happy it makes him to imagine being a father in the near future. And then he said something that went like this:

“Dr. D, this is the big thing I realized and the reason I called you. For as long as I can remember I’ve been struggling with myself and beating myself up for not knowing what I want in life. You know how hard it’s been for me to figure out what the hell I’m doing. I was constantly comparing myself to other people and feeling like a loser. But of course they couldn’t understand me; I didn’t understand myself! So here’s the thing: Kay is the first person in my life who was totally cool with me being exactly who I am. She didn’t judge me or label me a spoiled rich kid or tell me what a flake I am. She just accepted me for who I am, and that let me finally accept who I am. It’s the craziest thing in the world to me.”

The most profound part of what Joshua had to say was that as soon as he accepted his free-spirited nature and the lack of clarity he had about his purpose, he essentially settled down, got clarity, and found that purpose. That small shift, from resistance to acceptance, changed his life.

What Joshua discovered about himself moved me deeply—not only because of the beautiful way that it transformed his life, but also because of the applicability it has to all our lives. When we are willing to turn toward the things we’re initially inclined to reject, we create the potential for transformation. This is true for our stories about ourselves—as was the case for Joshua—and it’s also true for our emotions. Paradoxically, acceptance is the prerequisite for change. Once we can acknowledge something, make contact with it, and accept it as it is, we create the space for it to become something different.

This morning’s session was a beautiful reminder that the small and subtle things in life can have the most profound impact. It’s far too easy to get caught up in our assumptions about what our lives are supposed to look like, all the while missing what’s great about the lives we already have. When we acknowledge what’s going right, we open up the possibility to shift whatever’s going wrong. By appreciating things as they are, we become capable of creating something new. This is perhaps the greatest life hack out there; and I’m thrilled that Joshua figured it out.

Accept this as my formal invitation to start noticing the small things in life—the subtle shifts, the simple moments. Allow yourself to embrace your life with a full and grateful heart, and know that by doing so, you might just be laying the foundation for remarkable change. The small stuff matters, and so do you. May you always remain open to possibilities and aware of your vast potential to create them. Peace and love, today and all days.

Zen and Zoned Out Are Not The Same Thing

an image of a foggy forest.

 

As a spiritually minded psychotherapist, peace proponent, and student of Buddhism, I love watching the West wake up to the wisdom of ancient Eastern traditions.  It thrills me to know that people are getting intentional about creating more harmony and stillness in their lives, because I’m fully convinced that what the world needs now, above all else, is a more intentional, more finely attuned sense of awareness and presence among all human beings. When I see any indication that we’re moving in that direction, I feel gratified and hopeful. But here’s the thing: Owning a yoga mat doesn’t make you a yogi, telling people you meditate isn’t the same thing as meditating, and being Zen isn’t the same thing as saying you are. That might sound harsh, but I’m making this point for an important reason. In the instant-gratification-based culture we live in, it’s easy to confuse exposure with understanding. To truly understand something, you must immerse yourself in it, exploring it from multiple angles and seeking to gain as much knowledge about it as possible. And so it is with spiritual traditions and practices like Zen.

The most direct translation of the word Zen is meditation, but the true meaning of Zen can’t fully be expressed in words. Perhaps the closest we can come is to say that Zen is a state of being that involves a sense of connection to a power greater than oneself. It’s a way of living in the present moment and fully experiencing reality as it’s unfolding, with no preference for what happens. It means being aware of the interconnectedness of all living things, and flowing with the universe. Put simply, Zen is an orientation toward life that generates a sense of peace, equanimity, acceptance, and contentment. To be Zen is to be committed to maintaining clarity and remaining grounded in the present moment, no matter how challenging it is to do so.

In our culture, when people talk about “getting Zen” or “being Zen,” they’re usually referring to something along the lines of relaxing, reducing stress, slowing down, or finding peace. And that’s a wonderful thing. But calming down isn’t necessarily the same thing as finding Zen. The reason this distinction matters is that often, our efforts to relax and calm down involve checking out or numbing ourselves to what’s happening—and that isn’t Zen at all! To adopt a Zen mentality is to be at one with whatever we’re experiencing, without trying to manipulate or change it so we can feel better. When we experience Zen, we’re acknowledging and accepting what is, rather than attempting to make it something else.

Although there isn’t an explicit goal in Zen practice, the purpose is to generate greater awareness and appreciation for what’s happening in the present moment. When we confuse zoning out for Zen, we sell ourselves short of experiencing everything that can unfold and open up for us when we accept what we’re feeling instead of trying to OM it away. There’s a commonly used expression among therapists and healers that says, “The only way out is through.” This simple statement speaks to the difference between numbing out and knowing Zen. It’s easy to check out of the present moment by turning on a meditation CD or lighting some candles; but I challenge you to make your practice deeper than that. Don’t settle for artificial peace. Practice loving and staying present with whatever is occurring in the present moment—no matter how unpleasant it may be—and know that true peace awaits you on the other side.

The Inescapable Importance of Acceptance

a small church in the middle of a snowy field.

Penned by Rienhold Niebuhr and popularized by Alcoholics Anonyous and other 12-step programs, the Serenity Prayer has been guiding people for decades. The most commonly used version of it goes like this:  God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

 The wisdom contained in this succinct but powerful invocation is timeless, and its central premise resonates with most everyone. On some level, we all know how important it is to accept the things we cannot change.  What the research shows and most of our experiences validate is that our willingness to accept the unchangeable has a great deal to do with our emotional and psychological wellbeing. Whether we’re talking about a financial crisis, a health diagnosis, the loss of an important relationship, or any other unanticipated, unpleasant event, fighting what is won’t make it not so. Instead, when we do battle with reality, we cripple our capacity to cope with the situation and manage all the emotions we experience in response to it.

A big part of healing and recovering from the painful parts of life is accepting what’s taken place. In order to move on, we must first acknowledge what’s happening now. But, as all of us know, this is much easier said than done. Despite being one of the most important life hacks any of us can master, the practice of acceptance is enduringly difficult.

Where many of us get stuck is that we start out with a warped understanding of what acceptance is and how it works. We think that accepting something means getting over it. But this isn’t the case. Being willing to accept that someone we love has died, for example, doesn’t mean skipping the grief process or seeking to place a silver lining on an obviously dark cloud. It doesn’t mean minimizing the significance of what happened or how you’re feeling about it. It simply means being willing to acknowledge what is, without resisting or denying it.

Another major source of confusion shows up when whatever we’re accepting involves somebody else. Let’s say, for instance, that your partner has a temperament that can be terrifying. He loses his cool easily and often, and you frequently end up being the target for his rage. You know from things his mother has shared with you that he’s always been this way, and his friends tell a similar story. Whenever you speak to him about it, he always seems to justify his behavior, saying, “That’s the way I’ve always been. It’s never going to change.” You know that what’s happening doesn’t feel right, but you keep convincing yourself to stick it out, hoping that things will change. Acceptance, in this example, would be a necessary step toward deciding whether or not this relationship is right for you. If you fail to accept this undesirable quality in your partner, you’ll suffer deeply every time it rears its ugly head. You’ll experience confusion, frustration, and anger, and your desire for things to be different will make it difficult for you to connect with what’s happening here and now.

Did the suggestion that you should accept a partner’s pattern of explosive episodes make you uncomfortable? If that’s the case, you might be confusing acceptance with approval. And, you see, the two are not the same. Acceptance is acknowledging what’s already happened; approval is consenting to more of it in the future. To accept that the person you’re in a committed relationship with has a side to him that causes harm to you doesn’t mean that you’re okay with it or want it to keep happening. It simply means that you’re facing reality as it’s being presented to you so you can make a decision about how to proceed.

Failing to accept reality creates suffering where there’s already pain. It creates confusion where there can be clarity, anguish where there can be peace. We don’t accept things in order to change what’s happening, nor do we do it in order to feel better about it. We accept because it’s the only logical thing to do. Whatever is happening is happening; whatever occurred already occurred. We embrace reality because it’s already here, right now, and resisting it won’t make it go away.

Learning acceptance is a lifelong process, and we’re guaranteed to be given plenty of opportunities to practice. With clarity about what it means to accept and what effect it has on our wellbeing, we can approach our experiences differently, perhaps experiencing different results. What becomes possible when you release your ideas about what should be and embrace what is instead? I invite you to explore what new and unexpected things happen when you start accepting reality on reality’s terms.

 

 

Fanning the Flames of Anger

She was mad. No, not just mad; she was enraged. She’d walked into my office for the first time just 20 minutes before, and shortly after launching into her story about why she’d sought therapy, her anger reached its boiling point. She was seething. After finishing a particularly pointed sentence about how furious she was over her husband’s “stupidity,” she looked up to find that I was sitting with my hands folded in my lap, breathing peacefully and looking at her with compassionate interest as she shared her story with me. Upon seeing my expression and posture, she became even more angered and said, quite passionately, “Ughhh! Seeing you sitting there so calm like that just pisses me off even more. It’s exactly what my husband does when I’m yelling at him. It’s like he doesn’t even care that he hurt me.” I gently stopped her then and asked if she could remember and repeat the last three words she’d just said.

“He hurt me.”

As soon as the words left her mouth, her eyes welled up with tears. Her rigid posture softened, and her once tense shoulders slumped down. She leaned forward with her hands in her lap and cried quietly, allowing herself to express the new set of emotions that my question had invited. Then, suddenly, she began to laugh. She looked at me with smiling eyes and tear-stained cheeks and said, “Damnit! It’s so much easier to be mad than sad.”

It is, isn’t it?

Anger is a normal human emotion. Like fear, it’s typically a response to some stimulus in the environment that activates our nervous system and triggers a fight or flight reaction. Whereas fear tends to invoke a flight response, anger gets us into fight mode. It creates a surge of activating energy that’s sometimes accompanied by a motivation to act out on the emotion and somehow discharge it. In this way, anger is energizing and emboldening.  In the English language, words such as “fiery,” “hot,” and “burning” are used to describe it, evoking a sensation of heat that is often associated with the emotion. If you’ve ever been overcome with anger—the way my client started out when she arrived to our first session—you know how intense the scorching flames can be.

Contrary to what some psychotherapists will tell you, anger is a legitimate emotion. It’s not, as some would argue, a cover-up for fear and sadness. It’s important to understand this distinction, because acknowledging what we’re feeling and accepting its legitimacy is an important part of managing, relieving, and overcoming it. I didn’t tell my client she shouldn’t be angry, nor did I ask her to tell me what was beneath or behind all that anger. Instead, I kept her company while the emotion surged through her, making space for it and remaining curious about her experience with it. That’s because I understand that as with any emotion, the first step to letting anger pass is acknowledging its presence.

According to the teaching of the Buddha, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Because the heat of anger has such an activating effect on us, we can easily become consumed by it. It can erupt in an aggressive outburst or spawn a desire to get revenge. But as the Buddha so wisely pointed out, whenever we hold on to the emotion with the intent of using it to cause others pain, we’re the ones who wind up hurting the most.

The trouble with anger isn’t the anger itself; it’s the automatic assumption that just because we feel it, we have to do something about it. Simply allowing the emotion to pass through, without attaching to it or acting out because of it, gives way to a process that can teach us a lot about ourselves. You see, although anger is more than just a secondary emotion, it usually doesn’t operate alone. As my client discovered, anger is typically associated with other emotions. If we can sit with it long enough for the flames to die down, what we’ll likely discover is a host of accompanying emotions like sadness, frustration, humiliation, disappointment, and fear. What my client realized was that she wasn’t just angry at her husband; she was also feeling hurt by him. The anger, as she explained, was easier to feel. So long as she was charged up with rage, she didn’t have to experience the vulnerability that comes with feeling hurt. But once she made her way through the complex emotions she was experiencing, she was able to get some clarity about her situation. By the time she left my office, she had a better understanding of what happened in the encounter with her husband and what she wanted to do about it.

Anger can teach us a lot about ourselves. It can help us gain access to places inside of us where we otherwise might not travel. If my client had ignored her anger or simply acted upon the impulse to lash out at her husband, she likely wouldn’t have accessed the hurt and sadness underneath it. It was through the process of being with and peeling back the many layers of her emotional experience that she came to a sense of clarity and resolution. Had she dismissed her anger, this process would have been cut short, failing to yield any useful understanding or awareness; had she exploded because of it, she wouldn’t have learned much and might have acted in ways she’d later regret. If we let it, anger can become the source of deep self-awareness and exploration.

In his book entitled Anger, Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh offers the following perspective: “Embrace your anger with a lot of tenderness. Your anger is not your enemy, your anger is your baby. It’s like your stomach or your lungs. Every time you have some trouble in your lungs or your stomach, you don’t think of throwing them away. The same is true with your anger. You accept your anger because you know you can take care of it; you can transform it into positive energy.”

Every emotion we feel is an opportunity to become better acquainted with our inner world. And it’s through this self-understanding that we learn how to navigate life’s challenges, guiding ourselves with the wisdom of our own experiences. What if the next time you felt angry you embraced it? What if instead of dismissing or discharging the anger you listened to it?  What might you learn about yourself? What might you discover?

 

 

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark

the milky above a tree in the night sky.

Most people, if you ask them, will tell you they aren’t afraid of the dark. And since they probably don’t need night lights to help them feel safe in their beds, they’re telling you the truth. But there’s another kind of darkness that even the bravest adults tend to fear. It’s the darkness that life inevitably delivers. The kind that sets in when we fall on hard times; when the unexpected happens; when our faith is tested; when our hearts break. That kind of darkness can bring even the strongest among us to our knees. So, of course, most of us are inclined to fear it.

But the truth is, no matter how afraid we might be of it, the darkness is guaranteed to come. It’s not only unavoidable in life, it’s necessary—for without it, we could never understand or appreciate the light. As the Tao Te Ching—the ancient Chinese text attributed to Lao Tzu—explains, everything in nature and in life exists in pairs of opposites. Day cannot exist without night; good has no meaning without an understanding of bad; there can be no light if there is no darkness.

It’s perfectly natural to prefer the upside of things and to like it better when everything’s going well. And while it’s also understandable to fear things going wrong, it isn’t necessary to go through life carrying around that kind of fear. First of all, because no matter how much we don’t want it, unfortunate things are bound to happen. That’s the way life goes. Secondly, and more importantly, because it’s in our times of darkness that we’re most likely to learn, to grow, to become more resilient, to gain appreciation and gratitude. Think about it: How much could you possibly learn from life if you were never challenged? How could you gain strength if you were never given a reason to be strong? How could you ever appreciate the good times if that’s all there’s ever been? It’s through the challenges, through the times we spend in darkness, that our resilience is fortified.

Many of the clients I work with seek therapy to address issues pertaining to fear and anxiety. They tell me about their worries and share with me how overwhelmed they feel when thinking about the possibilities that exist for terrible things to happen. Of course, this all makes perfect sense to me, and I let them know so. But once I’ve validated their concerns, I start getting curious about some of the challenges they’ve been through in the past. Most of these clients are able to recall times in their lives when things went terribly wrong. They tell me stories of loss, struggle, and intense emotional pain. They’re able to remember how dark it felt when they were going through those past experiences, and they’re also able to acknowledge that eventually, the darkness passed. The night turned into day again. In remembering that they were able to overcome difficult circumstances and dark times—in most cases, emerging from them wiser, stronger, and more resilient—they’re able to recognize that they can do this again. They come to see that no matter what happens or how dark it gets, it doesn’t last forever; and if they can have the fortitude to get through it, they’ll be better on the other side.

I like to say that our dark times are our greatest teachers. When things are going well, we aren’t available to learn; we’re too busy enjoying ourselves. So instead of being afraid of the dark, what if we embrace it? What if we allow ourselves to live life on life’s terms and accept the inescapability of the dark/light dynamic?

If you’ve been living with fear, I invite you to explore how you might allow yourself to start flowing with life and trusting that all things pass. And if this finds you in a time of darkness, remember that it won’t last forever. Soon—maybe sooner than you know it—there will be light.

 

Calling Bull***t On Your Beliefs

The woman rummaging through clothes next to me at the department store is a judgmental snob. The family that lives next door to me, whose conversations I can sometimes overhear, is totally dysfunctional.  Some of my friends have completely childish and immature ways of dealing with life. My boss is too demanding; she doesn’t appreciate anything I do.

People are out to get to me.

The future is uncertain.

The world is a terrifying place.

Aside from the particularities, does any of what you just read sound familiar? I would bet that, to some degree, it does. And the reason I’m willing to bet so is because if you’re reading this, you have a human brain, and the human brain is—among many things—a judging instrument. It takes in information from the outside world and makes assessments. It generates assumptions and creates distinctions, which is what helps determine what each of us thinks, feels, and does in response to the world around us. This is generally a good thing. If not for our brain’s capacity to process information, we’d have no way of making sense of anything or making our way through the world.

But here’s the tricky part: Our brains don’t process things in a neutral way. What we perceive and interpret depends on the beliefs we have in place. You know the expression “Seeing is believing”? Well, it’s really a lot more like “Believing is seeing.” Whatever we believe about ourselves, other people, the world, and life in general shapes what we see. And it gets trickier. According to the psychological principle of confirmation bias, we are skewed to notice things that confirm our beliefs and ignore things that contradict them.

Have I lost you? Maybe an example would help. If I believe that all people are rude and unkind, my brain is primed to find examples of this in the world around me. So when I go to the grocery store, I’m going to notice people behaving in rude and unkind ways. If there’s someone acting in a way that contradicts this belief—demonstrating generosity or friendliness, for example—I’m not likely to notice it. Our beliefs have a powerful filtering effect. They assign meaning to everything we encounter and, thus, play a big role in determining how we experience life.

It’s easy for us to fall into the delusion that everything we think is real and true, because our thoughts are always entering our minds and distracting us. In essence, they make up the soundtrack of our lives. There’s a ceaseless stream of chitter chatter carrying on throughout our waking moments, and if we aren’t careful, we can get swept under by it. Once that’s happened, we have difficulty seeing things clearly. We lose perspective.

There’s a powerful quote attributed to the late, great writer Anais Nin that goes like this: “We do not see things as they are; we see them as we are.” With those words she perfectly summed up the way beliefs work: They influence us to see the world in particular ways. We become convinced that the way we see it is the only way to see it, and because of that, we set ourselves up for unnecessary suffering.

Since our beliefs play such an important role in shaping our reality, it helps for us to be mindful of what we’re going around believing. And, more importantly, it’s a good idea to hold those beliefs up to the light, so to speak, and question how much they’re serving us. One way that I’ve seen this manifest particularly powerfully is with a common belief of unworthiness that has plagued many of my clients throughout their lives. Each of their beliefs about this looks a little different, but the basic idea is, “I am only worthy if I’m ­_______ enough.” That blank can be filled in with anything from thin to powerful to wealthy to approved of by others, and the list goes on. Until that core belief is addressed, it negatively impacts my clients’ lives, limiting their potential and hampering their ability to live as they desire. As I mentioned before, our beliefs are the birthplace of our thoughts, feelings, and actions; whatever we believe will influence what we perceive, which will ultimately determine how we experience and respond to the situations that arise in our lives. If we want to change our experience in the world—if we want to change the world, period—we must begin by exploring and challenging our own beliefs.

The reason I titled this post “Calling Bull***t On Your Beliefs” is because one of the cornerstones of personal growth and transformation is a willingness to question and replace irrational, unhelpful beliefs. Most of the beliefs we carry around have been in place for most of our lives; we formed them in early childhood based on the things we were taught and picked up on from scanning our environment and observing our most significant attachment figures. We came about our beliefs honestly, and at one time, we relied on them to give our lives a sense of order and predictability. But our beliefs can become a source of suffering if we don’t keep them in check.

Please understand that I’m not saying all beliefs are unhelpful and invalid. Believing that touching a hot stove will burn you is a perfectly rational and adaptive belief. There’s evidence to support it, and holding on to it will help keep you safe. But other beliefs—like “I’m unlovable” or “People can’t be trusted”—serve a far less adaptive purpose. It’s those beliefs—the ones that trigger unhelpful thoughts, unpleasant emotions, and undesirable actions—that require some challenging. If you can call bull***t on beliefs like those, you’ll significantly improve the way you feel about yourself, other people, the future, and the world at large.

The best way to start questioning and discarding unhelpful beliefs is to recognize when you’ve gotten caught up in a stream of negative thoughts. If you’re paying close enough attention, you’ll be able to identify the thoughts that are stemming directly from irrational beliefs. Once you’ve recognized the belief-based thought (e.g., “Everyone rejects me;” “I’m stupid;” “Things are never going to get better;” “The world is a scary place”), ask yourself the following questions:

  1. What is the evidence to support that this is true?
  2. Have I ever experienced anything at all that would suggest it isn’t true?
  3. How does it help me to continue believing this?
  4. How does it harm me to continue believing this?
  5. Who would I be if I no longer held on to this belief?
  6. If I were to let go of this belief, if only for right now, what might become possible?

Do you want to live a freer, more content life? Do you want to experience more self-esteem and a greater sense of connection to the people around you? Why not start now? Stop believing the bull***t. Question everything. Release your certainties. Shake off the shackles of your self-limiting beliefs, and watch yourself, your world, your life transform before your very eyes.

I Can Do Nothing For You

a person holding a bunch of leaves in their hands.

In one of the first classes I took as a graduate student, the professor began her first lecture by saying something along the lines of, “So, you want to be a therapist? Well, let’s start with some ground rules. Rule number one: Never help anyone.” I was flabbergasted. Dumbfounded. For a moment I thought I’d sat down in the wrong class. I wondered how a professor could give such an incomprehensible instruction to a group of students who, by and large, chose their career path so they could help and serve others. I started to rethink everything that influenced my decision to become a therapist.

That professor never directly explained what she meant by her shocking introductory message. Instead, she assured us that through the course of our experiences as students, interns, and professionals, we would come to learn exactly what she was talking about. I’ll admit that it took me some time to understand the meaning behind her injunction to “never help anyone.” During the first couple years of my career, I exhausted myself with efforts to help my clients. I put all my energy into trying to motivate them, heal them, free them from their unfortunate circumstances, inspire them to change. In many cases, I worked harder than my clients at making a difference in their lives, only to find myself disappointed and depleted when things didn’t go according to my plan. I can’t recall the specific moment when my professor’s teaching became clear to me, but once it did, it revolutionized my work and inspired me to pass the wisdom on to others.

What I came to understand is that if I was to truly be of service to my clients, I had to transform my understanding of what it meant to “help” them. All along I had been working from the premise that helping others means doing things for them, taking action on their behalf, grabbing the reins and steering their lives in a particular direction. The truth is, I acted from this definition of help not only in my relationships with clients, but in my relationships with everyone. I always saw myself as a giving and helping person, and I regularly went out of my way to be there for the people in my life, even when it meant inconveniencing myself or taking on more than I could handle.

What I finally realized is that my professor wasn’t telling us to be unavailable for our clients. She wasn’t commanding us to be unhelpful. Instead, she was nudging us toward the understanding that to truly be of service to others, we have to position ourselves in a very particular way. In essence, we have to help them by empowering them to help themselves. That brilliant professor wanted her students to understand that the best thing therapists can do for their clients is keep them company on their journey toward solving their own problems, finding their own way. And now that I understand that, I want everyone I know to understand it as well.

There’s a quote from psychologist, author, and spiritual teacher Ram Dass that I’m totally crazy about. It goes: “I can do nothing for you but work on myself. You can do nothing for me but work on yourself.” The wisdom in that quote is the same wisdom imparted on me by my professor. You see, if you are to be of service to anyone in this world, your primary task is to be stable, centered, and well. It is only when you are well that you can help others be well. Think about it this way: When flight attendants give the safety instructions just before takeoff they remind you that in the case of an emergency, when the oxygen masks drop down, you must put yours on first before helping anyone else with theirs. The logic of this is very simple: If you run out of air, you’ll be in no position to assist anyone around you. Helping others, in that case, won’t be very much help at all. And so it is in every aspect of our lives. If we want to be helpful, we must first be well.

When my professor told us to “never help anyone,” she wasn’t telling us to be unkind. And I’m not telling you to be unkind either. Instead, I’m telling you that the greatest gift you can give to anyone in this world is to be the best version of yourself. First, because your doing so is likely to inspire other people, motivating them to work on themselves. Second, because it is only when you are centered and attending to your own needs that you have the capacity to be available to others. And finally, because helping others doesn’t mean taking over for them; it means being a source of support—someone they can lean on when they need it. If they’re going to lean on you, you’ve got to be sturdy. Your foundation has got to be solid.

Once I was able to shift my way of helping others, I never again felt the fatigue or resentment I was once so susceptible to experiencing. Instead, I felt a vitality that was invigorating for me and inspiring for the people around me. When I started to focus on stabilizing and centering myself, my capacity to support others expanded; at last, I became helpful in the truest sense.

I invite you to begin your own journey of rethinking what it means to be helpful, and I welcome you to consider that the best way to give to others is to first give to yourself.

 

Don’t Take Anything Personally

two seagulls are flying in the sky together.

In just a few days, I’ll have the distinct pleasure of hearing one of my favorite authors speak in an intimate setting. For me, this is the equivalent of going to a sold-out rock concert or the premier of a blockbuster movie. It’s a really big deal. The author I’m referring to, don Miguel Ruiz, is best known for sharing transformational insights from the ancient Toltec tradition. The most famous of his books, The Four Agreements, is an international bestseller. The wisdom contained within it is, at once, approachable and profound. It has changed many lives—including my own.

As the title of the book suggests, The Four Agreements describes four contracts we can make with ourselves to become free from the many self-limiting beliefs we’ve been conditioned to hold on to, which cause much of our suffering. While all of the agreements in the book have the potential to radically change the way we view ourselves, others, and life in general, there’s one in particular that’s been on my mind quite a bit lately. It’s the second agreement: Don’t Take Things Personally.

When I first read The Four Agreements, I was struck by the simple language Ruiz uses to describe a life-changing concept. Here’s a particularly compelling excerpt from that section in the book:

“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.”

Wow! Pretty powerful stuff, isn’t it?

I was deeply moved upon first reading these words, and I continue to be struck by their significance today. The many years I’ve spent working with all kinds of people in therapy have shown me that everyone has, at one time or another, been wounded by the opinions, words, and actions of other people. Their interactions with other others have resulted in pain and rejection, and many of them have become fearful as a result. They shut down, avoid intimacy, lash out, or become consumed by thoughts about how other people feel about them. Every one of us has some experience with taking things personally and experiencing real pain as a result. So Ruiz’s declaration that we can free ourselves of these binds is remarkably good news.

The Toltec wisdom contained in the second agreement has been around for centuries, and many famous philosophers and psychologists have written about it and developed theories based on its central premise. In truth, we are all living our own personal realities, which are shaped by our thoughts, emotions, beliefs, culture, mood, upbringing, and experiences. We go through the world as if we are the producer, director, screenwriter, and star of our own personal movie, and we expect everyone we encounter—the other actors, bit players, and extras—to know their lines. When they don’t follow the script, we suffer. But, you see, everyone else in the world is living their own movie. Everyone else is living their own reality—or, as don Miguel Ruiz would put it, their own dream. They don’t know their lines in the script for our movie, just as we don’t know our lines in theirs. When we take this personally, we suffer unnecessarily, because it was never about us to begin with.

In the section of The Four Agreements about not taking things personally, Ruiz goes on to say:

“As you make a habit of not taking anything personally, you won’t need to place your trust in what others do or say. You will only need to trust yourself to make responsible choices. You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you. When you truly understand this, and refuse to take things personally, you can hardly be hurt by the careless comments or actions of others.”

These are words we can all begin to live by, and benefit tremendously from doing so. They can help us to understand a very important truth: that everything we think, say, and do is not a reflection of reality, but a reflection of ourselves. Therefore, it’s also true that everything other people think, say, and do is not a reflection of us, but a reflection of themselves. This shift in understanding creates the potential for a much freer existence fraught with far less suffering.

I can’t wait to have the invaluable opportunity to sit in don Miguel Ruiz’s presence as he imparts more wisdom that I can adopt in my own life and share with my clients and readers. If you’re interested in reading more about the second agreement and getting familiar with the other three agreements outlined in the book, I highly recommend that you get a copy of The Four Agreements. It’s an easy read, a true page turner! And, for those of you in South Florida who are interested in joining me to hear Ruiz speak along with his son, don Miguel Ruiz, Jr., check out the information below and click the link to purchase your ticket.

Until next time!

 

 

To Love With the Freedom of Life: An Evening of Toltec Wisdom

don Miguel Ruiz Sr. & don Miguel Ruiz Jr.

Friday, May 6th at 6:00 p.m.

Unity on The Bay – Miami, FL

https://tickets.brightstarevents.com/event/ruin-unity-on-the-bay